i’m sorry i haven’t fixed the comments issue yet. i’m going to have to get the newest version of wordpress and do a lot of tweaking (which i need to do anyway), but i’m not in a very technical mood lately. i’ve been working on web stuff at work for the past couple of months, and by the time i get home, i don’t even want to think about html or fixing things. it will get fixed, i promise. in the meantime, maybe registering again will help?
in other news, there’s been a bit of an awkward situation with my boss lately. when we were dealing with fmla stuff, she wanted to know what was wrong with me. and i told her i’d rather not talk about it. and when she said, “well, i’m not sure if you have to tell me, but-” and i cut her off and said, “by law, i don’t have to tell you anything. i’d really rather not discuss it. i’ll fill out the paperwork and everything, but this is an hr issue. believe me, you don’t want to know about it anyway.” then she started asking me if i’m okay all the time. so i finally just told her that i’m fine most of the time, and if i’m at work, i must be mostly okay. but i’m really sick sometimes to the point where i can’t eat, and at those times i’m in too much pain to come to work. (those of you with similar stomach problems know how frustrating this can be, because you “look like there’s nothing wrong with you.” you look normal, and everyone thinks you’re full of it.) i told her how i’d lost almost ten pounds in two weeks’ time, and she said, “yay!” i stared at her incredulously for about thirty seconds before looking out the window and biting my tongue to stop all the things i wanted to say. finally, i settled on, “um, not so much. that’s a lot to lose in such a short amount of time.” and she kind of backpedaled and agreed that it was, but a lot of people would like to lose weight like that so quickly. and i didn’t say anything else. i wanted to, but i didn’t. then, the other day, i went to her office to talk about something i’m working on, after being out sick two days. and she offered me trail mix, then gum. as i hiked my pants up so i could sit down (the only thing holding my pants up these days is my big bum, and if i sit without pulling my pants up first, it’s uncomfortable and there’s serious risk of joe-the-plumber crack) i declined both offers, to which she replied, “good girl!” i didn’t know what to say.
i can only keep up the polite silence so long. what i want to say, to whoever thinks illness-induced weight loss is cause for celebration, is:
i’m happy the way i am. i’m not looking to lose weight. if i’m losing weight, that means there’s something wrong. i wish i could eat as much of whatever i wanted, like i used to. even if it means i’m fat, or unattractive to most people. i’d rather have my health (such as it is) than the admiration of shallow people who would be glad to see me thin, even if being thin meant fluctuating between gnawing hunger and pain. nothing tastes as good as being thin feels? fuck that. if this is how being thin feels (and i’m not thin by a long shot) i’d choose to be fat any day. unfortunately, i have no choice in the matter.
i haven’t weighed myself since the doctor visit a couple weeks ago that confirmed my rapid loss. but i can tell by the way my clothes fit – or don’t, as the case may be – that i haven’t gained any back, and might actually still be losing. it’s hard to tell on someone my size if you lose ten or twenty pounds, because everyone still sees you as a fatty. so no one’s made any remarks yet, thankfully. i haven’t told anyone but ki-san because i know everyone will react the way she did, and i can’t stand it. but if it gets to the point where it’s noticeable and people start complimenting me on it, i’m going to have to put my foot down. i’m going to have to stop worrying about making people feel uncomfortable. maybe they should feel uncomfortable. because if you think weight loss no matter the reason is hot, you’re sicker than i am.
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