i’ve really been missing mum lately. i guess i’m just kind of lonely. i almost never hear from my dad or sister anymore. come to think of it, i see more of sohei’s extended family than i speak to my own immediate family. besides which, i still haven’t seemed to completely grasp the finality of mum being gone. you know, like, forever. on some level, it’s like it seems as though i could talk to her if i wanted to. i just haven’t had time or something. but when i really, really want to talk to her, visions of her in the hospital bed hit me like some kind of flashback, and i can see her at the wake, in a coffin, and i know it’s not going to happen. ever. and then i try to remember her voice and i panic because i’m not entirely sure i’m remembering it accurately even though it was a part of my life for so long. i’m so terrified i’m going to forget things about her. and i just realized her deathiversary is coming up, which i hadn’t actually thought about, but maybe that’s why i’ve been such an idiot lately. it’s been three years, though. only three years? it seems like longer than that. but i shouldn’t still be in daily denial, i don’t think. it shouldn’t have to dawn on me that she’s gone. it should be an accepted fact of life by now, shouldn’t it? on the other hand, maybe it would be worse to be continually aware of her absence. maybe it’s some kind of self-preservation thing. i don’t know. but it feels like i’m going to miss her forever. like i’m going to get that pang every time i think of her for the rest of my life.

it’s the lack of control over life that bothers me, too. i could die tomorrow. anyone i love could die at any time. (i suspect that this has been brewing in the back of my mind, causing the recent spate of anxiety.) will i ever get over this control issue? will i be such a panicky nutjob that i make my child’s life hell? i freak out when the dog sleeps too soundly or when the cat throws up “a little too often.” zoe is going to throw up constantly until she’s about twelve, if i remember what childhood is like. am i going to flip out every time? am i going to assume she has leukemia every time she gets a bruise? probably. because i won’t know. it’s the not knowing. the driving to work every day, wondering. saying goodbye to sohei every morning, wondering. and, someday, sending zoe off to school, wondering. the part of my life where i just assumed that things couldn’t happen to me is over. if the universe could take my mother, and so suddenly, it could take anyone else at any time. i don’t know. how do people live with that?

i’m getting sleepy and my eye is doing that twitching thing again, so i reckon i’d better try to get to bed soon. i’m going to be like this for a while, apparently, just so you know.