01.04.07 @ 14:00
i’ve been depressed and angry lately. life has been unending stress, and it seems like there’s something new to worry about every damn day. it’s not just the stress, though. i’m becoming so disgusted and jaded that i can’t even retreat into myself anymore. it follows me everywhere, with no respite. i used to take some comfort in a sense of compassion – real or imagined – that is swiftly leaving me. i am becoming so resentful and hateful that it’s leaving an indelible mark on everything in my life, including the only escape i’ve had these past few months; my story. it always had hope, somewhere, but i can’t even see it now. everything is so ugly and dark that i can’t see beyond it anymore. i’m tired of looking. i’m tired, period.
i saw this quote the other day from david berkowitz, of all people, and i identified with it to a scary extent. in fact, if you know me at all, or have been reading me for any length of time, i have said things like this before.
I want to make love to the world. I love people. I don’t belong on earth.
i could never kill anyone, though, let alone be a serial killer. the difference between me and the type of person who can do something like that is that i turn it all inwards, instead of inflicting it on others. i torture and kill pieces of myself all the time, i think. and no matter how much i think i hate other people, i can never hate them more than i hate myself.
that’s unfair to say, though. i don’t hate myself, really. i get frustrated with myself a lot, because i go through life with “i don’t get it” looping over and over in all situations. i can’t mesh that with the praise that was heaped on me by my mum when i was a child for being so “gifted.” i never felt particularly gifted, though. just freaking weird. and i guess i never learned how not to be weird. and i don’t think i’ll ever learn to understand people. i’m getting tired of trying.
i’m not going to make this entry private. i’m not going to try to hide who i am anymore. i’ll still make posts about other people private, but i’m done with acting. i don’t have the energy for it. it’s a pointless exercise anyway.
April 1st, 2007 at 19:32
I think private types (like me, and, I’m assuming, like you) tend to run the risk of overdoing the self-censorship until you’ve made yourself feel like nothing about you is acceptable to the world. I don’t know what the solution is, but I do find it occasionally therapeutic to deliberately uncensor myself and to be staunchly unapologetic for who I am. It’s hard work to put yourself out there and then to have to defend yourself from people who disapprove, but honestly, what’s the alternative? Keeping it in indefinitely is a terrible way to live.
So what I mean is, good for you.
April 1st, 2007 at 19:50
thanks.
you’re totally right about the feeling unacceptable thing. i’m not sure this is a good solution, but i’ve kind of reached the point where if i keep censoring myself, i’m going to lose it. i always feel like i have to defend who i am anyway, and it’s not like this has made me insanely popular or anything, so i don’t think i have anything to lose here.
i read your recent post about ozy, and i think it’s pretty sad when people want to diagnose you with something and medicate you so they can feel superior somehow. (i’m making assumptions re: medication, but they do that to death here, anyway.) it’s not an easy world to live in when you’re as special as he is. but it sounds like he has people who understand and support him, so he’ll probably be alright.