sohei went out of town thursday-sunday, so it’s been me and little bear and brumby. it’s been going alright, though i’m overtired now and can’t sleep. he’s been pretty good, though, especially considering his teething. unfortunately, i’ve had to leave him in his crib a few times to do things like shower and go to the bathroom, and he screams and cries every time. i refuse to do cry it out on purpose, but sohei is going to start pushing it soon – like probably when he gets back. i’ve been doing a lot of research to try and figure out if there’s an alternative or anything. i tried the sleep training thing where i sit next to him the whole time, but it seems to have made things worse. and then i read all this awful stuff about crying it out, and now i’m even more sure i don’t want to do it. apparently the baby stops crying and goes to sleep because the experience was so traumatic to him. and when he eventually gives up crying altogether, it’s because he’s given up on receiving comfort from his parents. i’ll come right out and say it: i can’t handle that shit.

today, after i got out of the bathroom, i went and retrieved my crying baby from his crib and sat him down next to me on the bed. he looked up at me, his face still red, tears running down his cheeks, lip quivering. then he buried his face in my arm and hugged me. and not just the arms thrown around me thing he does when i carry him, but actually clutching me. i picked him up and cuddled him until he felt better. his tiny hug melted my heart. as far as i’m concerned, if it’s that important to him, i don’t see why he can’t just keep sleeping with us. he clearly hates his crib and hates being alone. it’s not like he’s going to be doing this for five years. i should just tell sohei that little bear and i took a vote and it’s 2-1 for him staying. even if his vote is only .5, we still win. seriously, though, i don’t know what to do. sohei has the right to sleep the way he wants, but little bear and i have that right, too. and, to be fair, i do my best to keep the baby from waking him. most mornings, sohei can’t even remember little bear waking him at all. i just don’t know what to do about this. separate beds are no good, either, because i hate sleeping without sohei… i have a feeling he’s going to get his way. but the idea of little bear feeling like he can’t rely on me is killing me.

anyway, in other news… ever since i started feeding little bear solids – about a month ago – he’s been trying to take the spoon and do it himself. a lot of the time, he’s more willing to take what’s on the spoon if he puts it in his own mouth. so, against the advice of the book, i let him help. well, tonight, he damn near fed himself. i would fill the spoon and move it towards him, then he’d grab it and slurp the rice cereal right off. he’s so independent. at christmas, he was opening his own presents. we’d pull a strip of paper off, and he’d finish it by himself. he also wants to drink out of a glass. he sees me drink, then reaches out for it. sometimes, if i’m drinking water and there’s just a bit left, i hand him the glass. he can hold it in both hands and put it to his mouth, but he hasn’t mastered tipping it back yet. when i tip it for him, he struggles against me, as if to say, “i can do it myself, ma!” and when the water actually reaches his mouth with my help, it seems to weird him out. this stuff isn’t milk! what the hell? still, he’s always willing to try. why he’s independent about everything but sleeping, i don’t know…

i really need to try to sleep, so i’m going to leave off here. i’ll do his six months post sometime this weekend, hopefully.