i’m a sad sod today…

i think it has something to do with another night that went back and forth between sleepless and nightmare. the worst nightmare being the following:

it seemed very real, to begin with. it was the middle of the night, and i got up to look out the sliding glass doors in our bedroom, stopping to pet sleeping brumby on the way. i pull one of the blinds aside and look down at my car, in the driveway. the trunk is open, and then someone lowers it a bit, and it turns out to be mum. i start screaming, and she looks up at me, and seems kind of sad, and then i wake up, sweating like crazy.

pain woke me up again last night around 3:00, and i took my next-to-last painkiller and tried to go back to sleep. but then i couldn’t because i kept thinking about all the stuff i’m supposed to do today. like rsvp for a baby shower, and call our mortgage guy to see if he’ll help us again, and dealing with the new realtor, etc. don’t forget, i hate calling people. and i hate having all this responsibility, regarding the house. i pretty much dealt with the whole mess single-handedly when we bought this house. and now i have to sell it and find a new one, and sohei expects me to time these things perfectly somehow, so we go right from one to the other. and i’m wondering if we’ll even be able to get a loan, seeing as he’ll be a student, and i’ll be unemployed at first.

so i’ve spent the morning looking at some of the properties the realtor sent, and crying off and on. i’m so tired. i feel guilty that i screamed in terror upon seeing my mum, instead of running outside and hugging her or something. (i take this to mean, however, that i’m fully conscious of the fact that she’s dead, instead of having those dreams where i think she’s alive, and then remember she’s not, and get really depressed. i think screaming upon seeing someone standing outside your house, who is supposed to be dead, is not an unusual response.) i’m also stressed and bummed about the listings i got. i have no idea what we can afford, but the ones that seem more reasonable are tiny and/or ugly. we’ll be listing our current house at $170,000 since that’s what the other houses like ours are selling for, but i didn’t want to spend more than $110,000 which is what we paid for this house. i reckon we can afford more, but i want to have some money available in case of emergency and whatnot. since, you know, we’re going to be broke college kids again. at first, i was just going to get an apartment, but since a lot of them seem to be populated by drunk, noisy undergrads, i thought maybe we should just get a house after all. especially since we’ll be heavily taxed on our house profit if we don’t put it into another house.

and my sister is leaving for mexico this weekend. by herself. to live with strangers in a place where two cops were just beheaded. and she won’t be back for a month or so, i guess.

i want to fast-forward to august. i want my sister back, safe and sound. i want to have sold the house and bought a new one that i actually like.

but the next few months are going to be long and hellish, i reckon. i’m moving to a town i don’t know anything about, where i don’t know anyone. i don’t know which neighborhoods are scary or noisy. i don’t know where i’m going to work. i’ve been really nonchalant about this, but i’m beginning to panic. as usual, i’m supporting sohei, but no one’s supporting me.

i’m feeling really alone again.