[music|apocalypse please - muse]

the worst day of my life happened a year ago today. i got up before dawn, went to the airport, bungled my way through security all alone, and spent most of the morning in a panic, hoping to reach her side before she passed. the minute the plane had touched down in atlanta, i had turned on my cell phone and called dad to ask if she were still there. then i waited some more for my next flight, still in a panic. i was so out of it that i didn’t even recognize my uncle, who was waiting for me at the airport in raleigh, while dad drove in circles, awaiting my arrival. after i hugged him, the first words out of my mouth were, “is she still alive?” she was when they left. so in the car, i greeted dad, then asked if we were going straight to the hospital. he said we were, and kind of briefed me on the situation. so i’d know what to expect.

it didn’t help.

i’ve already told the story, though. and i’m not up to telling it again today.

i miss you so much, mum. i can’t help it. i’m still so used to calling you on mondays that the day hasn’t completely lost its lonely, melancholy feeling since losing you. i know we’re essentially the same. i know you’re still technically here. but i miss jackie. i miss being hugged. and i keep remembering our last hug, and wishing i’d appreciated it more. i took for granted that i’d be able to hug you again. but that day, i’d had other things on my mind. once you and dad left and were on the road, i had a lot to do. i felt the sad emptiness i always felt when we had to part. so i can’t even say it was some kind of psychic thing. though i was told later that you’d cried in the car and said it felt like that was the last time you’d see me.

and almost exactly three months later, she was gone.