i’m just completely paralyzed. i’m overwhelmed and depressed. we’re broke. sohei gets paid on friday, so we’re not doomed, but looking at the bank statement sends me into a panic. and i’m losing my house. the process server came the other night, which wasn’t unexpected, but it’s still a kick in the gut.

i have so much to do, but little bear hasn’t been napping very well, so it’s just piling up. i still haven’t finished the thank you notes from his birthday. and i need to find new auto insurance and call the dental/vision insurance people, and clean the house, and pack. my grandma keeps writing to me to ask us to visit, and even sent a check for airfare, which i know she can’t afford. but even with the help, we can’t afford to travel and there just isn’t time right now. i feel like shit about it, and have been too embarrassed to explain, but will have to soon or she’ll think i don’t want to see her.

and of course i’m married to a complete bastard. we’re moving for his job, and he still wants to be a dick regarding anything to do with the move. this morning he said anything that’s not packed when we leave is getting left behind. he refuses to take any time off to help because, even though everyone else in that office takes time off constantly, he gets shit for it. and he doesn’t want to make his dad angry. he doesn’t give a shit about my feelings, but god forbid he upsets his dad or the secretary. then this morning he blamed me for little bear being behind.

little bear’s been screaming the whole time i’ve been writing this, so i guess i’d better stop. i’ve already given him baby advil, so i’m not sure what else to do, but apparently i’m the shittiest mother ever so it figures.

i guess disco was still hot in 1979, but i’m picking… this.

the cure – boys don’t cry

i sing the most random stuff in the shower. i sang this a lot when i was pregnant…

die warzau – Shine (All Good Girls Part 2)

i can’t think of any lately, but back in the day, it was this. it’s not a particularly sexy song, but i guess it was just kind of hardcore.

nine inch nails – wish

any beatles song, just about. or sting, but especially this one. she had this album on every day when i got home from school for, like, a year.

sting – shape of my heart

there are actually a few. almost any early 90’s country song that was on the radio probably does, though i only listen to country when he’s around, so… also, he listened to genesis and stuff a lot. the best one, though, is from when i was a kid. he’d always turn it up, and every time i hear it, it makes me think of those days.

dire straits – money for nothing

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for a long time, nin’s “closer” reminded me of jason, but i heard it on the radio so often it lost any attachment to him. but now, some of the judybats album “down in the shacks” reminds me of him, particularly “how it is.” i guess because i listened to that album constantly when we were together and not enough since. he killed himself almost five years ago… sometimes i think that’s where all my awful karma came from. anyway, the song doesn’t make me think of any of that, really. just about hanging out in my driveway when it was freezing outside, before everything kind of went to hell.

the judybats – how it is

nickleback.

i heard “odd one” on the radio and really liked it, then was very embarrassed to learn that it was by sick puppies. still, i think the most embarrassing “band” i like enough to own an album of is tatu. yes, i own a tatu album. i’m sorry.

tatu

there are so many bands i love. ministry, smashing pumpkins, muse, radiohead… check out my facebook list for most of them, if you care to. however, as far as my favorite band, like, of all time? well duh.

skinny puppy

this is difficult. i love meg lee chin, and jessicka of jack off jill and scarling fame. also, heather of tapping the vein is absolutely awesome. but i think i have to give this one to…

chibi, the birthday massacre

i love maynard and all, but i think we all know the answer to this one.

also, i love this interview with him.

ogre, skinny puppy

pretty much anything by die warzau or front line assembly will make me dance. but when i discovered terrorfakt, i was all, “dayum!”

ebm and powernoize ftw.

(little bear just fell asleep in my lap while listening to this.)

terrorfakt – the fine art of killing yourself

this was the song that kept going through my head the day my mum died, and just kind of stayed there for a while. it used to make me literally sob every time i heard it, and i thought i was kind of over it, but even now i guess it makes me teary. coldplay’s “the scientist” kind of has the same effect, for the same reason, but this one still gets me.

gravity kills – Here [Mark Saunders Remix]

(apparently these will only play through fully the first time. will upload my own later.)

(okay, i’m already doing poorly at this. also, do listen to the song, but don’t watch the video, because yuck.)

this was really hard, because i have a lot of songs that i really love, but if i had to pick one favorite – and, apparently, i do – this would be it:

skinny puppy – worlock