howard zinn died, apparently… he made american history more interesting to me. i’ve always liked world history, but history about my own country always seemed so dry. and, you know, kind of full of itself. not the way he told it, though. if i homeschool little bear (ha) a people’s history would be his history text. anyway, it always sucks when a great mind dies, and we’ve lost another one today.

aaaand my car has some weird new problem. it’s making this revving noise, and the brakes aren’t responding very well. hopefully it’s just some stupid thing i did and it’s fine, but i’m not going to try to drive it again until sohei gets home. we were still on our street when it happened, so little bear and i made it home alright. but for now my freedom is gone again… i do appreciate the time and money spent on my car, but i still think the $900 would have been more wisely spent on a newer used car. i never cared about driving something so old before, but i don’t like driving the baby around in a 20 year old car. like i said, though, hopefully there’s nothing wrong, or it’s a very cheap fix. but the idea of dumping more money into the car makes me pretty uncomfortable…

i wrote this earlier, but forgot to post for some reason, so i’ll add some stuff about his doctor appointment at the end.

he hasn’t learned anything new this month, per se, but continues to work on his existing skills. once pulled to sitting, he can sit on his own for a short time. (usually under a minute, at this point.) he continues to get more cheerful as his digestive system matures. it’s really neat watching him grow. he’s enjoying his christmas toys a lot, and i’m hoping the fun jungle will help teach him to do things like stand. not much of an update, i know, but he’s plugging along. and still sleeping in our bed.

his four month doctor visit went well. we had to postpone it for a week because he got his first cold. it was very minor, but we all thought it best to wait til he felt better. he got a clean bill of health, and has been doing alright after his vaccinations. though today he’s had some minor diarrhea. hopefully it stays minor. he took his first shot very well, while being distracted by a toy, but no toy could stop him screaming during the second. this kid really hates shots… the tears stopped soon after though, and i gave him a quick cuddle before we left. he was 27 inches (putting him in the 95th percentile for height) and 15 lb 8 oz (53rd? percentile for weight). he’s getting to be such a big boy.

i love my boy so much it’s overwhelming sometimes. i feel so lucky to be his mother.

again, yes, this.

yes, this.

i hate being sick… i can’t sleep.

i was reading a thread on the baby discussion board i frequent re: holding your baby while he cries vs. letting him cry it out on his own. i have tried to let little bear cry it out before, and i hate it. i always go pick him up and cuddle him and sometimes nurse him until he calms down. sohei says that just teaches him he can have whatever he wants when he cries. which could be true. but i can’t stand just leaving him to cry. i worry that i’m spoiling him. a lot of people say you can’t spoil a baby, but what if i’m just setting him up for a huge disappointment when i eventually have to lay down the law? i mean, when he’s old enough to have tantrums for candy at the store, i sure as hell am not giving it to him. but if he’s used to my responding with care when he cries only to be chided for a tantrum, will he be confused? will he think i suddenly hate him?

i’m having this problem with co-sleeping as well. i love it, he loves it. it’s really the only way he’ll sleep. poor sohei has given up on moving him to the crib for now, because he doesn’t want to be kept up all night from the crying. that’s part of it for me, but i also just like having little bear sleep next to me. he’s easier to check on and feed, etc. but i probably won’t want him sleeping between us when he’s a little more self-sufficient, weaned, and out of the woods sids-wise. like, when he’s around a year old. but by then he’ll be used to it, and it will apparently be impossible to make him sleep on his own. people who are pro-co-sleeping say that he’ll sleep on his own when he’s ready, but what if that’s not until he’s four or something? the doctor said we should start having him sleep on his own now, while he’s more malleable. i reckon that really is what we should do, but i’m just not ready for him to go.

i sure wish my mum was still alive. nana says he’ll be fine no matter what i do, since i obviously love him. but am i spoiling him? is it stupid to let him keep sleeping in my bed? am i setting him up for disappointment later?

another problem i’m running into is that i don’t want to go back to work. i don’t think i’m going to do well with leaving him in daycare. i’m not saying that it’s bad to do things that way. a lot of women do, and their kids are just fine. it’s not that i’m worried he won’t be okay, it’s that i love spending time with him and i want to watch him grow and learn for a couple years. i’m not just enamored with him, i’m fascinated by him. also, like i mentioned above, i’m not really cool with him being left to cry it out, and i don’t see how a care provider who has other kids to deal with can give him the sort of attention i feel he should have. as it is, pretty much no one is as patient with him as i am. he has an ear-piercing shriek, which i know is hard to tolerate, but most of the time, it just breaks my heart. after a few cuddles, he’s usually okay. even some other mothers on the board have to go outside to keep from losing it with their babies. if mothers feel this way about their own kids, how is a stranger going to deal with my obnoxious little fellow?

i’m not saying i’m perfect or anything. far from it. i am seriously worried that i’m doin’ it rong. (it seems more than half the advice out there says that i am.) i just want him to grow up to be healthy and reasonably well-adjusted. i want him to know how much his mama loves him, and for him to feel secure. i know he’ll be fine in daycare when i do return to work. i just don’t wanna…

oh well. i have an appointment to take him to first thing in the morning, so i’d better try to sleep.

little bear and i went out again today. we went to the bookstore. he was a bit fussier this time, but i got him a couple of books before returning home. sohei caught a cold over the weekend, and now i have it, too. i felt kind of gross this morning, but i’m downright sick this afternoon. little bear seems okay, and i hope he stays that way. there are supposed to be antibodies in my breast milk, so he’s supposedly protected from the virus. and even if he’s not, he’ll be less sick. i hope that’s true.

i think i’m going to rest for a while, if he’ll let me…

ben and i had our first solo outing today. we went to the grocery store, and he was a very good baby. i carried him in the sling, which was a bit of a logistical nightmare.  but he was pretty quiet, and fell asleep toward the end. and, as you can see in the picture below, he looked pretty freakin’ adorable. i’m re-adjusting to driving without a rearview mirror, and it’s been okay. i sure do love that little fellow.

it’s a nice evening. i’m playing hello kitty online with juchan, tna has me interested in wrestling again (we’ll see if that lasts.), and ben has started laughing spontaneously. and one of my ten books from amazon has shipped. (i don’t know why the rest haven’t, but whatevs.)

today, he rolled from back to tummy, then to his back again.

but he also pulled one of his teddy bears over his face and started flailing around like a maniac until i pulled it off of him.

what can i say? he’s advanced.

so, it’s a new year, new decade. the past ten years have been pretty sucktastic for the world at large, i guess. the reign of bush 2, 9/11, the tsunami, katrina, recession, etc… it’s been mainly okay for me. on the plus side, i got married and had little bear. on the minus side, i lost my mum.

we had a very good christmas this year. since we decided to stop paying the mortgages, and sohei got two major bonuses, we had more money to spend than usual. so everyone got good presents, and little bear got totally spoiled. in addition to clothes, he got a toy piano and other instruments, rattle, car seat toy, fun jungle exersaucer, books, a swing from grandpa genma, and two classic pooh baby’s first christmas ornaments. and some other stuff i forgot. aunt juchan got him a really cute outfit. so he really made out like a bandit.

as for me, i was just happy to have a healthy, beautiful baby. it’s hard to believe he was just a tiny cluster of cells this time last year… and juchan came to visit for a week, and that was so awesome. i already miss her so much. so a lot of great family stuff, but i got some nice presents as well. genma fixed my car, which ran around $900. sohei got me a cute little pink netbook, which i am typing this post on. (i. love. it.) dad gave me quite a bit of money, and i spent some of it on a book shopping spree today. (good sale at amazon, w00t.) i also got a frappuccino maker, which i got quite a bit of use out of so far. and, you know, a lot of other odds and ends, like wii fit plus and wii sports resort. and juchan got me an ornament of the leg lamp from a christmas story, so that was freaking awesome. i pretty much got everything i wanted and then some.

it was great seeing everyone and showing little bear off. on christmas eve, we went to the annual party. everyone said how cute/beautiful/etc. my baby is, and how good i’m looking. (i don’t think anyone believed me when i said i had no idea how i dropped 55 pounds, but i really don’t.) then we spent the night at no-chan’s house and had a fantastic breakfast and opened presents. then we went to get juchan at the airport, then went home to take care of brumby, then went to sohei’s mum’s house. we had a really good dinner there, and opened yet more presents. then we went home and juchan spent the week here and we pretty much slept a lot and goofed around. i wish she could live here.

so i had a pretty great holiday, which was nice, because it’s going to be a tough year in some ways. we’re going to lose our houses and have to move again. we’re probably going to have to declare bankruptcy, too. for now, though, i’m going to enjoy the time i got to spend with everyone, and all the neat loot i got.