on saturday night, i finally lived the dream and saw skinny puppy live. it was a.ma.zing. we were in the very front, standing right where ogre would probably be most. (we were right, he spent most of the show in front of me.) i’m not a great concert reporter, because i can never remember what order the songs were in or anything. they did play assimilate and protest, which made me really happy. i was worried they weren’t going to play worlock, but ended up playing it as the encore. i thought they’d do smothered hope, but no. he wore his costume with mask during the whole thing, so i was really hoping he’d take it off for the encore, and he did. 
it was really cool being that close to him. i could see his face pretty clearly despite it being so dark. his eyes are just as gorgeous as they are in pictures. though, on the whole, he’s a lot more, i dunno, real than in pictures. he looks older and less theatrical, i guess. it was kind of neat. i wasn’t just drooling over some artistic rendering of ogre. i was inches away from slightly short, incredibly thin, very much in his forties, kevin ogilvie. at one point, he was standing in front of me, messing with the microphone, and completely overcome, i shouted, “i love you!” to which he replied, “…thank you.” (i thought it was very nice of him not to append, “you sad, creepy woman” to that.) also, while he was singing with gusto, a fleck of spittle landed on my cheek. i have washed my cheek since, but i reckon the memory will linger forever. 
my only regret is that i didn’t try to touch him. i could have a few times, but somehow couldn’t bring myself to do it. i don’t know why. i clearly didn’t mind being a dork, as evidenced by my loudly professing my love for him, etc. i suspect it had something to do with him seeming less god-like to me, and more like a really awesome, talented guy just standing there. i don’t make a habit of touching people randomly, so i guess it just felt weird. still, if i ever get that close to him again, i will definitely touch him like everyone else was, and not be such a chicken about it. anyway, it was the best concert i’ve ever been to, and even now i’m unable to describe just how absolutely fantastic everything was. i hope i can see them again someday.
30.11.09
skinny puppy
20.11.09
19.11.09
17.11.09
random thoughts at midnight
i love watching my son sleep. i love him so much it makes me feel all splodey. and while i love sohei in splodey proportions also, this is totally different. sometimes it’s hard to believe he’s mine and that i could be so lucky. when i first brought him home, something about him seemed so impermanent that i was terrified of losing him somehow. i’d watch him all the time and have this constant feeling of anxiety like something might happen when i wasn’t looking. i still feel like that to some degree, which is why he still sleeps with me at night. i think “adoration” doesn’t even begin to cover it.
i may have mentioned this before, but that family guy “until you have a child” joke keeps ringing embarrassingly true to me. and now i have to go because little bear’s awake and smiling. i do love that kid.
16.11.09
50
this weekend, i hit the 50 pound weight loss mark. 50 pounds. in two months. granted, 20 of that was pregnancy weight, but no one seems to think it’s the least bit odd to lose that much weight in so little time. i get that i am/used to be/hell, still am freaking huge, but doesn’t that seem a little drastic? everyone says it’s because i’m nursing, but i can’t find anyone, online or otherwise, who lost that much weight in such a short time just from breastfeeding. (i’m loathe to post about it on a forum or something, because i always hate those people who post things like, “is my baby sleeping too much?” and i don’t want to be that person.) i don’t think it’s a thyroid thing, because i don’t have any symptoms other than weight loss, and i tend toward low thyroid function anyway, not high. i guess it could just be that i’m not eating enough, but that never caused me to lose weight before. i’m a little worried that it may be that my diabetes got worse after i had little bear, not better. i’ve checked my sugar a handful of times since coming home from the hospital, and it’s remained pretty high. i need to do the glucose test again, but have to wait until i’m insured. i also need to get my kidneys checked out, as well as some worrisome moles. because you know what else can cause weight loss? cancer! (no, i don’t suppose i really think i have cancer, but my kidney function does suck, and would like to have something done about the moles before they become problematic.) i do know that my joints hurt pretty bad, despite popular opinion that they’d feel better once i was less fat. and i’m always tired, though that’s not uncommon for a new mom. anyway, my point is, i lost 50 pounds in two months with no effort, which is not healthy no matter how fat i am, so stop being excited about it, everyone!
but i’ll probably gain all the weight back and then some, like i always do. and if it is health related, i can’t do anything about it until i’m insured again anyway. so i guess i’ll just enjoy being slightly less fat while it lasts.
12.11.09
two months
once again, i’m late in documenting little bear’s milestones. it’s neat watching him grow and learn to do new things, but it feels like he’s growing up too fast…
when grandma babysat on 10/24, little bear rolled from tummy to back for the first time. over the course of the past month, he’s been working on his laugh, getting better at grabbing and holding things like his rattle, and can usually follow an object with his eyes. he especially seems to like watching brumby run around. sometimes, when he’s holding my fingers, he’ll put one in his mouth, which is pretty cute. though i know that before long, when he’s putting other things in his mouth, like pet toys and whatnot, it won’t be nearly as funny. he’s getting more vocal and still “talks” and smiles a lot, particularly in the morning. he’s also getting really good at keeping his head up. when we pull him into a sitting position, his head only lolls back about half the time. and when we have him sitting up, his head doesn’t tip back and forth anymore. he still needs support to sit, of course, but i can tell he’s getting stronger all the time.
his colic is a lot better now that i cut dairy out of my diet. he still cries and fusses, but not for hours at a time like he used to. he also figured out how to nurse this month. his latch isn’t perfect, but it’s getting a lot better, mostly. he had his first outing this month (that wasn’t to someone’s house or the doctor), when he went to the federal courthouse to watch his father get sworn in to the florida bar. he seems to be progressing at a decent rate, which is a relief as his head circumference percentile is a tad low. he’s still in the upper height percentile at 24 (!) inches, and average in weight at 12 lbs. gah! he’s 2 feet tall already!
11.11.09
little pincushion bear
my baby bear had his first series of vaccines today… i still think getting five at one go is a bit much, and i’m worried about him, but most reasonably scientific folks seem to think it’s okay. the doctor argued that little bear is exposed to all kinds of germs every day, which is true. however, none of them have ever given him a fever, so… anyway, i’m trying not to be one of those crazy vaccine people, but it’s hard. how can that not overload his little immune system, is all i’m saying. he’s not feverish enough to be concerned about, according to the doctor’s website and my trusty what to expect book, his temperature being in the 99.something range. i don’t know how sohei keeps from worrying like i do. i worry about sids and autism and vaccine reactions and just about everything else, but none of it seems to bother him much. and he just gets pissed off when i worry about it. i just feel like if something happened to my little guy, especially if it was my fault, i’d feel horrible.
in other news, he’s getting a bit better at nursing, and pretty much does that exclusively now, with only a supplementary bottle or two per day. my poor nips still hurt, as he’s still not always great at latching, but it’s not quite as excruciating as it was. also, the vinegar-water solution is keeping me mastitis-free so far. (i did get the antibiotics at a discount, so at least i can take them without having to pay for a doctor visit in the event that i get mastitis again.)
i’m going to go cuddle my baby boy, as he’s had a kind of rough day and is looking very cute right now. here’s hoping the next few days are uneventful…
06.11.09
misery
i have hives all over… arms, back, belly, sides, boobs, even bum. it started with about five when i woke up this morning and over the course of the day, new ones keep popping up. my palms are itchy, and having to wash little bear’s bottles in really hot water isn’t helping. i’m assuming this was caused by the bactrim i’ve been taking for my mastitis. well, i’m fine with that, because i fucking hate bactrim anyway and am glad that i can now tell doctors i’m allergic and they’ll have to give me something else. (i always tell them it gives me an upset stomach and headaches, but they don’t much care.) i called my obgyn today – since i still don’t have a gp here – to ask whether it was okay to stop taking it, and she prescribed me z-pack instead. i’ve never taken it, but hear it’s hardcore. to be honest, i’ll probably fill the script if it’s not too expensive and just hold on to it in case i get mastitis again. it was a really minor case, and was pretty much cleared up by monday evening, so i don’t really feel like i need more antibiotics. (i know this is incredibly stupid, but if it comes back, i’ll just take the meds then. i can’t afford to go to the doctor to get another prescription in the event i need antibiotics again, so i’ll take my chances.)
unfortunately, sohei doesn’t give a crap that i’m in agony and won’t come home and bring me some freaking antihistamine. i am really. fucking. miserable.
03.11.09
02.11.09
breastfeeding fail, part two
so, after nursing for less than a week, i got mastitis. if there’s anything good about it, it’s that i came down with it on saturday, which was my last day with insurance. there weren’t any walk in clinics open, so i went to the er. since it’s a small neighborhood facility, at least i was seen right away. even though it didn’t take that long, it kind of ruined halloween, as by the time i got home from that, getting my prescription filled, and picking up dinner, there weren’t any kids out trick or treating anymore. i can’t nurse while i’m on the antibiotic, so that gives little bear ten days to forget how. frankly, now i’m afraid to nurse, because without insurance, i can’t afford to go to the doctor every time i get mastitis. i think this is about the last straw for me regarding breastfeeding. i could actually put up with the breast pain and stuff, but the medical bills? not so much. i’m sick of being thwarted at every turn with this. i managed to overcome the shitty hospital experience, his tongue-tie, his impatience, his myriad food sensitivites, the dwindling of my supply, his continuing inability to latch properly (causing the nipple damage that in turn probably caused the mastitis), but it’s been two months of hitting wall after wall, and i’m done.
and, since it’s fucking monday, he won’t sleep, so i can’t even finish this post.