there was a third loss announcement before the day was up. i can’t believe so many women lose their babies this late in the game, considering how supposedly medically advanced we are. i know at least two were lost in labor. if you’re in the damn hospital, how can that happen?! i don’t really want to think about it anymore. i can’t stand it.

anyway, it’s been an interesting day for me, physically. it felt like little bear dropped some more this morning, like i mentioned before. then i found myself having to go to the bathroom constantly. (and i don’t mean peeing, because constant peeing is pretty much an everyday thing at this point.) that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, though, because i frequently have days that i spend in the bathroom. though less so the further along i get in pregnancy. so between the weird dropping/pressure feelings and the frequent trips to the bathroom, i felt kind of off today. then sohei got home and we spent some quality time together. (which i’ve heard is good for getting labor going, but hasn’t done much to that effect yet.) afterwards, i started feeling very crampy. like menstrual cramps. i was kind of crampy over the weekend, and sometimes i wake up with them, but these hurt a little worse and were pretty much non-stop. i decided to try to push things along and had eggplant parmesan for dinner, which i’ve also heard is good for starting labor. (i have no idea where this one came from, as at least the sex thing has a somewhat scientific explanation.) not long after dinner, the cramping became less consistent, but was joined by lower back pain. now it’s about time for bed and i’m still having cramping and back pain, which has been joined by what’s starting to feel like an upset stomach.

so i’m feeling pretty uncomfortable, but the pain is far from excruciating. am i going into labor? i’ve been checking with my friend, the interwebz, and get mixed reviews. i guess i’m just going to go to bed and try to sleep, and if it gets worse or my water breaks, i’ll go to the hospital. otherwise, maybe i’ll call the doctor in the morning if i’m still crampy. we’ll see. it sure would be nice if i were going into labor, but i’m thinking as it’s been a few hours and the pain isn’t getting a lot worse, i’m probably not. instead, i’m just starting to feel kind of sick.

there were two announcements today on the september pregnancy board i read about losses. one of them had the same due date i do, and the other only had about five more days. part of me wishes i could call my doctor right this second and beg for a c-section. just waiting for my wednesday appointment is agony, and depending on what the ultrasound says, i’m going to be doing more waiting after that. (i’m hoping they find that he’s hit 9 pounds and i need to be induced that day, but i doubt it.) i know induction is wrong and that i’ll probably have a c-section in the end, but with every new horror story i hear, i just want him out of me and safe in my arms. he’s been kind of sluggish today, which can be a sign of impending labor, but to my panicky mind, it just gives me something else to worry about. i’m pretty sure he’s dropped a bit, too, as it hurts even worse than usual when i walk or try to pick my legs up to put on underwear.

gah, i am so ready for little bear to be here! then i can start worrying about whether he’s breathing and check on him constantly. (hey, at least i’ll be able to freaking see him.)

last night, sohei said he can’t believe the most exciting thing to happen to us ever is only a few days away. (after he said that, we thought about it for a couple minutes and couldn’t come up with anything more exciting than bringing a human being into the world, though i think we agreed that getting brumby was pretty exciting, too.) it’s almost over. it’s kind of weird. i mostly really enjoyed being pregnant, and i’m going to miss it. and i’m a little sad because i know i probably won’t do it again. but i can’t wait for him to be here. our family has been just the two of us for so long, and now we’re going to be adding someone to it. it’s also nice that sohei is so psyched about it. for the first time during this, though, i’m a little jealous of him. the entire pregnancy, i kept thinking how jealous i’d be if i were him. i can feel the baby and he’s with me all the time, and i get to experience all this stuff that sohei just can’t. but now i’d rather be in his position, in that he gets a great, new little bear, without all the pain of labor. i guess it’s only a day (or so) out of my life, but i’ll admit i’m getting just a bit nervous about it. oh well. in a week or so, he’ll be here. i can’t wait!

i went to my weekly doctor appointment today, where i learned that i am not at all effaced or dilated. i know that these exams don’t really mean a whole lot, in that some women are completely closed and end up in labor the next day, and some get stuck at 3 cm for two weeks. but aside from some painful practice contractions, i’m really showing no signs of going into labor any time soon. so it’s looking like i’m going to be induced in about a week and a half. when this whole thing started, i was adamant about not being induced or having a c-section, etc. but i’m just kind of over it now. i have these irrational fears about him having a knotted cord or it being around his neck or something, so i really just want him out. i know it’s stupid, but if we made it this far to lose him now, i’d pretty much die. so, yeah, i’m so beyond caring how he gets here or whether i have to have an epidural or whether i get cut open or what. if they’d given me the option of going straight to the hospital today and getting a c-section, i’d probably have said yes.

it’s funny how much different things are than they were a few months ago. how much my attitude has changed regarding things. and then there are things that i used to dread that i’m now actively hoping for. when i spotted a few months ago, it felt like the end of the world. now i want to see some freaking blood, damn it! and cramps would throw me into a panic, but no longer. cramping and contractions? more please. (not that they’re actually doing anything, apparently. ) and why was he so ready to leave seven or eight months ago, and now he won’t budge? what the hell, little bear?

so, i’m 30 today. it’s hard to believe my 20s are over and done with. i hate aging. not so much because i look older and i’m vain, but because it seems like more is expected of me. for example, genma and no-chan refused to get us video games for our birthdays this year, because it’s time for us to “grow up.” also, i don’t like dressing my age. i like the little plaid skirts with chains from hot topic, and fishnet shirts. and lots of eyeliner and unnaturally red hair. can i still wear this stuff? i guess, but it’s getting less and less acceptable. also, people have been bugging me to get rid of my lip ring. sorry, that’s not happening. i will wear that thing for the rest of my life. (i was even bribed with a car if i’d get rid of it. i turned it down. which i suppose is yet another example of how much growing up i need to do.) anyway, it seems like once you hit 30 – like it’s some magic number – it’s time to get serious. even with a baby on the way, i’m just not there…

i am being a good girl and getting mostly practical gifts this year. genma got me a more reliable cell phone. (everyone was worried that my old one was crapping out and wouldn’t work when i really need it. which has actually happened before.) no-chan got me the slipcover i wanted for the recliner in the nursery. sohei is taking me shopping tomorrow for some furniture. hopefully, if i can find stuff at thrift stores, i can get a tv stand and a bookcase or two. i know i’m going to get a cute bookshelf for little bear’s room. and i may get a ceiling fan for his room with the birthday money i got. or i may put it towards the credit card bill. we’ll see.

i think my brain went into some kind of aging crisis mode last night, because i had a dream that i moved to the beach and bought a condo for myself. and then today sohei told me an idea that no-chan had, that maybe i should go back to school and get my health insurance through the university. which, of course, i was totally for. (i know i said i was done with school and never wanted to go back again, but we all knew that was a lie.) so i figure i have two options: 1) i can do the minimum 6 hours/semester undergrad work for fun, or 2) i can enroll in another grad program. if i’m going to pay for classes, they should probably count for something, i’d think. also, i’ve been looking into adjunct teaching at the local community college, and to do that, i need 18 hours of graduate classwork in the area i want to teach in. (you have to have a masters in whatever it is, or a masters + 18 hours of credits specific to that area.) so i reckon if i take classes toward my adjunct goal, i can get insurance while doing that, then get insurance while doing the adjunct thing part-time until little bear goes to school. (i checked, and part-time staff/faculty do get insurance, just for a higher rate.) the only issue here is that if i do the english program, the majority of my classes will be in person, so i’ll need someone to look after little bear while i’m in class. better than needing full-time care, but not entirely ideal. also, i’m not sure whether sohei will agree to it, or even if it’s realistic. i emailed the department head of the technology department (i thought it might be fun to apply for the adjunct position for web design/dreamweaver), and he was polite but not entirely helpful. i think i’d have better luck with english, anyway. though coursework toward web stuff would be a lot handier when i go back to librarianship at the academic level. if that ever happens. hum. still, it’s exciting to have some potential options.

so 30 isn’t feeling as depressing as i thought it might. even if i am about to be a mum, and have to grow up.

I met with little bear’s future pediatrician today. There are three doctors in the practice, and the two I met looked younger than me. Which isn’t saying much nowadays, I guess, but you know… Anyway, she’s really nice and isn’t making me vaccinate him in the hospital, and said we can do his vaccines (or not) however I want. Also, I can call at any time, and have my questions answered whenever I’m freaking out. The practice seems well-run, and she’s not a jerk about stuff, so as long as we can afford them, that’s where we’re going.

While I was waiting to see her, I had my first serious ouch contraction. My Braxton-hicks have been painless though slightly uncomfortable until now. This one freaking hurt. And it went all the way around to my back. I feel kind of sick to my stomach even now, and my back still feels a bit tight. But there are no other indicators of impending labor, so I think it’s just practice. Maybe he’ll be here soon, though…

brumby hasn’t barfed again, so hopefully he’s feeling better. the other day, he had his head on my stomach, like he tends to do lately, and little bear kicked him. and brumby just looked up at me, bewildered, as if to say, “what happened, mama?” poor puppy. i wonder what he thinks is going on inside my belly. he seems to listen sometimes, and the kick definitely startled him. maybe he thinks i’m going to have puppies.

i can’t wait for little bear to get here. it’s starting to drive me nuts. i know he’s not even due yet, but i want him now! i want the whole labor and delivery thing to be over with, and for him to be here at home with us. also, sohei begins each day by asking if he’s going to be born already. we’re definitely getting antsy…

I’m really worried about Brumby. The vet says there’s nothing wrong with him, but he puked again today, and he’s just acting really sick. I honestly don’t know what could be wrong with him. I keep thinking must be getting into something, but I can’t figure out what. He’s eating the food the vet suggested, and he doesn’t seem to have diarrhea anymore. but he’s sluggish almost every day, and now he’s barfing again. I guess i’ll just keep a close eye on him, but it’s really freaking me out.

while i’m on the subject of weight-related issues… i’ve been really surprised at how good pregnancy has been for my self-image. i was doing pretty well regarding fat acceptance, thanks to the likes of shapely prose and all those books i read. but i was a little scared that pregnancy would make me gargantuan, and that i wouldn’t be able to handle it. but i have felt nothing but gorgeous this whole time. i don’t think i’ve looked in the mirror once and had a negative thought. (well, okay, the stretch marks do look awful, but i’ve been pretty good about ignoring them. they’ll fade.) in general, i’ve loved how pregnancy makes me look. and while i always thought i wouldn’t be one of those women who rub their bellies all the time, i totally do. part of it is because it’s the closest i can come to touching little bear, but it’s also just fun to feel how big and round it is. it’s even dwarfing my boobs and butt, which i thought was impossible. anyway, pregnancy has just given me a very nice silhouette. i’m not sure how i’ll feel about it when i still look six months’ pregnant after giving birth, but for now, i like it. (since my total weight gain is still under 20 pounds, i’m honestly not sure i’ll look too terribly different from pre-pregnancy when all is said and done. not a few months down the road, anyway.)

i’ve also noticed that i feel no shame about my body in certain situations, either. i’ve been swimming a lot this summer, mostly in front of strangers, and it hasn’t bothered me at all. i’ve proudly stuck my belly out and waddled past a crowd of people i’ve never met, at no-chan’s house. it wasn’t long ago that i don’t think i’d have dared. and i walk to the pool in our complex in just suit, sandals, and towel. i don’t even own a cover-up. i don’t know if it’s because i’m pregnant or if i’m finally accepting my body, but i just don’t care. if i want to swim, i’ll swim. i also thought if i ever got a massage, i’d be too mortified to really enjoy it. not so! i felt surprisingly little embarrassment at having a strange man rub my naked back with oil. i didn’t care if my back looked fat or if he could see my stretch marks. (i was on my side, with a towel over my boobs, so you could pretty much see everything from the waist up except nip.) actually, i was so relaxed i dozed off.

i was reading an excellent post over at shapely prose the other day, regarding how most of us can accept how fat we are now, but are unsure how we’d deal with being any fatter. and a lot of women said they were terrified of getting pregnant because of that. but speaking from personal experience, unless your significant other or family members are a bunch of douchebags who make you feel bad about it, being pregnant is kind of a positive step in the fat acceptance journey. i realize that i’m lucky that my husband happens to love my pregnant body, maybe even more than my regular one. but even if he didn’t, i still think this would have been a good experience for me, self-image-wise. and it makes me sad that so many women would pass this up because they’re freaked out about how they’ll look. i always feel bad for the not fat women on the message board i read, when they say their s.o. isn’t attracted to them anymore, or they feel disgusting or whatever. it sucks that we live in a society where so much of who we are is tied up in how much we weigh.

i’ve been watching more to love, and it’s not terrible. people have complained that there are too many scenes with the women eating. there are a lot of eating scenes, but honestly, most other reality shows feature eating, too. i didn’t really feel it was necessarily exploitative, except for this last episode where one of the girls was eating a chocolate-covered banana dessert. in that case, they did seem to be doing their damnedest to make her look gluttonous and awkward. but when they’re just sitting around eating breakfast, i’ve seen that on top model, rock of love, etc. so it hardly seems like a big deal. (it’s funny, but i actually find it more interesting that they feel the need to show models eating a bunch of junk food, as if to say, “see? they eat!”) another complaint i’ve heard is that the women all seem desperate. some of them do, yeah, but i’ve seen skinny women on similar shows acting desperate and crying, too. though i have to say, kristian creeps me right out. i’ve known girls like that, and they just make you wince. most of the women blame their weight for their lack of success at dating and relationships, but in a few cases, i can tell them exactly what their problem is. in kristian’s case, she probably scares the crap out of any reasonably sane man. she just screams “stalker” and i can’t imagine why she’s still on the show. dramz, i guess. as for danielle, she talks way too much. and i don’t mean that women should follow the “talk about him” advice where they only talk about the guy or ask him about himself, because that’s crap. but if you can’t actually converse with someone, that’s going to be a problem no matter what. also, tmi, dear. and melissa cries constantly. i know that being fat makes life harder than it needs to be, but you have to try to be a little confident, especially on this kind of show. otherwise, you just look like you belong in therapy. it’s not like i’m not sympathetic, but in some instances, it’s clearly a personality thing. really, i know i’d have an awful time trying to date, because it can be more difficult to find someone who’s into the chub. but my real downfall is that i’m weird and i don’t get people and i talk without a taste filter. it’s too easy to blame teh fat. i’m not sure i ever blamed my social isolation on it, but if i did, i was mistaken. and if someone doesn’t want to date you or be your friend because you’re fat? fuck them. unless you’re into hanging out with shallow people, you’re not missing out on anything. that being said, i think it’s kind of sad that so many of these women don’t date. some of them do, and seem pretty emotionally healthy, but it sucks that apparently a lot of them don’t think they’re worthy of companionship. anyway, i’m kind of torn on the whole thing. it’s nice that there’s finally a reality show where fat people aren’t the butt of the joke for one episode before being summarily dismissed. but, like a lot of people, i can’t tell how exploitative this is, exactly. also, i hate saying that for a lot of these women, their problems are based on personality issues, especially when some of these issues probably stemmed from insecurity about their weight. anyway, i’m going to keep watching it for now, but with a critical eye.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
8:00

2. How do you like your steak?
medium-rare

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
watchmen

4. What is your favorite TV show?
umm. chowder?

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
i spent the last three years very homesick, so i’m going to be boring and say here.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
yogurt

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
mexican food

8. What foods do you dislike?
mushrooms, most shellfish, pork (i guess i mostly unintentionally keep kosher)

9. Favorite place to eat?
various mexican restaurants

10. Favorite dressing?
ranch

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
‘92 buick lesabre

12. What are your favorite clothes?
jeans, t-shirt

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
domestically, seattle. internationally, japan.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
it’s the same amount either way.

15. Where would you want to retire?
here

16. Favorite time of day?
it’s kind of all the same now

17. Where were you born?
ames, iowa

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
soccer

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
not tagging anyone

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
^

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
i’m nosy, so i’m interested to read anyone’s response.

22. Bird watcher?
not really

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
usually night, but my clock’s all screwed up.

24. Do you have any pets?
neko (cat), brumby (dog)

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?
i’ll be having a baby any day now, though that’s not really new.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
space doctor (like mccoy on star trek)

27. What is your best childhood memory?
i have some pretty good ones, but one of my favorites is playing in the snow fort dad built me when we lived in iowa.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
i used to be a cat person, but now i’m kind of on the fence. depends on the individual animal, really.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
yep.

31. Been in a car accident?
i bumped someone in a parking garage, but as it was a parked car, it wasn’t really a big deal.

32. Any pet peeves?
a lot of pet peeves.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
sausage, onion, green pepper. or, if it’s a white pizza, chicken and ricotta.

34. Favorite Flower?
black rose

35. Favorite ice cream?
lemon or birthday cake

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
taco bell

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
i failed the test for my learner’s once, but somehow didn’t fail my actual driver’s test.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
amazon.com

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
right now, a car dealership. though lowes and the sanrio store are pretty close.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
not really. i guess buying the mobile yesterday was kind of spontaneous.

41. Like your job?
don’t have one. unless it’s being a housewife, in which case, not so much.

42. Broccoli?
with cheese, i guess. otherwise, yuck.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
haven’t been on one that didn’t suck in years, so i don’t know…

44. Last person you went out to eat with?
sohei’s mum. or maybe sohei. i don’t remember.

45. What are you listening to right now?
nothing

46. What is your favorite color?
black

47. How many tattoos do you have?
none. too permanent.

i haven’t actually seen the show yet, but i always enjoy caricature generators…

wow, i never update anymore…

so i had my second baby shower on the 1st. no-chan and sohei’s mum threw it for me at no-chan’s house. it was neat to see a lot of people i never see anymore. also, between the shower and genma and gift cards, little bear’s nursery is now pretty much complete, and he should have everything he needs. i finished up the shopping today and got him an extra crib sheet, a 2-pack of bumgenius cloth diapers (yeah, i’m giving it a go, but at $35/pack, i’m trying it out before buying more.), and a sling. (because i guess i’m also giving the “attachment parenting” thing a go. i think i’ll like having him strapped to me at all times, but we’ll see.) i also got him the classic pooh musical mobile. the mobile is actually the only thing i’ve bought for him with my own money, if you can believe it. frankly, i can’t. the kid has more clothes than he’ll probably ever wear, diaper gear, a travel system, a playard, toys, and myriad other stuff. every time i go into his nursery, i feel kind of overwhelmed. not just because there will be another human being living in our house in a couple weeks, though that does kind of blow my mind. but also because everyone has been so good and generous to us. my son is going to be the first (biological) grandchild for all our parents, and is also the last male with our name, which is important to genma. everyone’s so anxious for him to get here, me included. i really did enjoy my pregnancy, but the last real hurdle is this possible cord issue, and the danger it poses has to do with delivering him, so i’d really like him to just be here already. every morning, sohei wakes up and asks if i’m in labor yet, and asks little bear when he’s going to get here.

and i’m still so, so happy to be back home. i get visits from no-chan and sohei’s mum all the time, which is nice. i missed my family so much. and if it weren’t for their help with shopping and unpacking and stuff, i don’t know what i’d do. even if i had my car, i’m not sure i can drive now. my belly is huge, and the no a/c thing would really be a problem at this point. it’s awesome to have everyone so nearby, and it was so nice of no-chan to let me stay with her all the times sohei was away this summer. and we’ve been seeing some old friends, too. after the relative social desolation of tallahassee, this kicks ass.

went to the doctor yesterday, and she said my pregnancy is going really well. no major issues (she doesn’t seem to see the diabetes as much of an issue as my numbers are mostly good), not too much weight gain, measuring well, etc. i’m actually pretty good at being pregnant. who knew?

i always mean to talk about all kinds of things when i sit down to write a post, but forget what half of it was. oh well…