i feel kind of stupid saying this, but i’m sad that chrysler is declaring bankruptcy. hopefully, this doesn’t mean the death of the company, though who knows. i have an unreasonable loyalty to chrysler, because i generally really like their cars. when sohei and i started dating, he had an ‘88 lebaron, and it was pretty sweet. it was black and had a spoiler and sunroof and everything. we had that car for a few years, and it made it on all the trips back and forth from gainesville to land o’ lakes, etc. i cried my eyes out when the fuckers at the condo association had it towed, because it’s tags weren’t current. when we went car shopping a year or so later, i had my heart set on a pt cruiser. it’s been a pretty good car, too, though i don’t think it’s quite as hardy as the lebaron was. (it only really started acting up after sohei left it running with the keys locked inside.) i really need a new car, and if i were actually allowed to buy one, i probably wouldn’t buy a chrysler this time around, but only because they don’t seem to make hybrids. if they made a hybrid pt cruiser, though, i’d totally buy it. (which is moot, because gish can’t have a new car, for some reason.) i guess maybe if chrysler caught up with the foreign companies who are smart enough to build hybrids, maybe they wouldn’t be going into bankruptcy…

i had the worst nightmare last night, and i keep thinking about it. i dreamed that i had a miscarriage, and it was kind of graphic. considering how much i worry about stuff, i’m kind of surprised i don’t have more such nightmares. i wish i could forget about it, though. it’s still making me feel unsettled. in fact, i wish i’d stop having nightmares altogether. i have them constantly now, but at least most of them have nothing to do with being pregnant.

lolz.

i was reading this, and feeling a little smug that i never got wrapped up in that whole traditional wedding thing. in case you didn’t know the story, sohei and i got married on a monday (our seven year dating anniversary) at the courthouse with our two best friends as witnesses. we all went to our favorite mexican restaurant afterwards, then to the movies to see spider-man. that’s pretty non-traditional, methinks. then that saturday we had a reception at our house with our family and friends. it was japanese-themed, and i wore a kimono. which is pretty hilarious, but i’m not at all sorry. (though i am a teensy bit sorry i wasn’t more adamant about having hello kitty and dear daniel figures on our cake.)

anyway, now that i’m older, i’ve come to a realization and do have one regret. weddings aren’t just for the couple. they’re for the families as well. our parents never got to see us be married. no one seemed that upset about it, so i guess it’s probably okay. but our parents aren’t the type to make a fuss about that sort of thing, so i don’t know whether they were just nice enough to not act upset. (it’s not like we eloped or anything, btw. we’d known for a few months ahead of time what we were going to do.) i guess i just assumed that since we all have siblings, our parents would get to see them married in an actual ceremony and everything. but my mum died before ju-chan got married, and sohei’s dad only has one other kid, and she’s estranged or whatever. so now i feel bad. i guess i should just take them at their word that they’re okay with it. i still have no desire to have an actual wedding, though i might consider it if i felt our parents wanted us to or something. i just hope i didn’t hurt anyone with my choice.

holy shit, i feel awful today. i stayed home sick yesterday and am not feeling that much better today… it’s finals week, too, which means it’s a fucking madhouse around here, and there was next to no parking this morning. (the little assholes park in the faculty lots, and the university seems fine with that. i’m so glad i pay exorbitant rates every year for the privilege of not having anywhere to park.) i keep fantasizing about telling everyone to go fuck themselves and quitting now. i hope i throw up on a patron.

i was just reading a thread on the pregnancy board i frequent about how this woman and her husband were so devastated at finding out they weren’t having a girl that they didn’t even finish the ultrasound. they’re both super depressed. and a lot of other women chimed in that they felt the same way. while i understand wanting a girl really badly, i can’t imagine reacting this way to your own baby. i guess i’m so pessimistic that i was glad just to see that he was alive and seemingly well. (you don’t even want to know the kinds of problems i was imagining we’d be greeted with that day.) now i’m incredibly impatient to get to the end so i don’t have to keep worrying about what might be going on in there. and it’s hard to fathom not loving him because he’s a boy. i’m just so glad he’s here… i feel awful for some of these children, and hope their parents get a grip before the baby is born.

i don’t have much time to write, so i may expand upon this later. but i wanted to put it out there so i don’t forget.

i think part of the reason i’ve always been so gung-ho for having a girl is because i felt like i’d be able to handle some of her crises better, because i’ve been there. i still remember quite well what elementary school can be like if you’re shy and/or fat. i can remember being a teenage girl and all that entailed. and i have some thoughts on what to tell a girl about her body issues. but i have no idea what it’s like to be a boy! i don’t know how a boy should handle things like bullying or feeling ugly or disputes with friends. i don’t know what it’s like to have a voice that cracks at inopportune times or body parts that do other embarrassing things at inopportune times. (i know what it’s like to accidentally fart in front of someone you have a crush on, but i have a feeling that it might be slightly less mortifying than standing at the chalk board with a boner.) i know that sohei will be able to handle a lot of this, but the thing is, i don’t want him to. not alone, anyway. i had all these notions about the ideas i wanted to plant inside my poor child’s malleable brain. i know what i want for my kid. but i can’t help but worry that maybe sohei will have a solution that i might not agree with if i knew more about the situation. thankfully, i’m not sure this will come up too often, since most of the time we seem to be sharing a brain. but i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t a little worried about how to handle these things, or whether sohei will handle them like i would…

yes to all of this.

when you’re pregnant, it seems like one of the first questions that comes to mind for people is what the baby’s sex is. and if you don’t know, they’ll ask what you want. after the 1st trimester issues, i’d say that sohei and i always kind of assumed we’d have a girl, but i’d be happy as long as the baby just makes it here okay. i thought that maybe, after years of referring to our future unborn as “zoe” i might be disappointed a little if the baby was a boy. it turns out, however, that i was so happy just to see my baby bear on that screen, moving around and looking just fine, that it didn’t matter what he was. when i tell people we’re having a boy now, a lot of them seem to expect me to be disappointed. i’ve been reading an online board for other women due in september, and some of them were so disappointed at their ultrasound that they started crying and have been depressed and stuff. but i’m not at all upset. i can’t imagine, after “meeting” him, being anything but thrilled and completely in love. sohei and i daydream and talk about our futures together, and i find myself thinking about his sweet little face far too often.

so, no, i’m not all that disappointed in the fact that there will probably never be a zoe. i’m a little sad, i guess, because she was kind of a presence in our lives for so long. but ben is here, and real. and i can’t wait to get to know him. and smother him with affection.

So once again we see what happens when one tries to use Rush, the band, as a guide for wise living.

You can listen to the freaking oak trees if you want, and let them shade out your entire vegetable garden, but I finally got fed up today and went out to the scraggly weed patch where the garden used to be, and I was like, “Hey, remind me. I shouldn’t trim the crap out you because…? And they were all like, “This is a violation of our rights,” and “You’re punishing success,” and “The taller shall not be ruled by the shorter.” So I pull-started the chainsaw and started trimming, and they yelled and sent all their squirrels snarling down, and long story short, the tip for wise living this time was that if someone comes over and finds you out back chainsawing squirrels in a rain of green acorns, don’t be naïve and think the oaks won’t be all, “Uh, we just got here.” “Take more acorns, sir, but spare these hamsters.” “Hi, what are you guys looking oh my God…”

-via sadly, no

i hate that song.

gah I’m obsessed with little bear… Earlier this week he was moving a lot, but he’s been kind of quiet the past couple of days. I find that I miss feeling him move when he’s quiet. Even though he’s finally moved off my bladder and only occasionally kicks it. I won’t lie, though, some of it’s worry when I don’t feel him move. I guess I still have a hard time believing I could be this lucky.

It’s a pain in the ass updating from my iPod, so I’ll just end here. I love you little bear!

ihatemyjobihatemyjobihatemyjobihatemyjobihatemyjobihatemyjobihatemyjobihatemyjob. i want out now.

i’m officially at the half-way point today! man, after the 1st trimester, the weeks just flew by! this pregnancy is going to be over before i know it. i reckon it’s just as well, since i’m guessing that this constant bladder irritation isn’t going to end and i’ll never get used to it… and anyway, i’ll be so happy if we make it to term, and to see my boy’s healthy and all. i wonder if the time will fly when we’re staying with sohei’s dad. sometimes when i’m not working, the time flies a lot less. i know i’ll be glad not to be on my feet or stuck in an uncomfortable chair so much. the bigger i get, the more going to work sucks. i don’t know how other women do it. anyway, i’d better get back to work. and stop looking at my ultrasound pictures. (yes, i think i have a problem.)

i love my little boy! it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life to see him on that screen yesterday. his little arms were waving around, and at the point above, he looked right at us. he’s been kicking up a storm this evening, and now i can imagine what he looks like flailing around in there. after the misfortune of my coworker, i’m afraid to say i can’t wait to meet him. (believe me, little bear, i can wait around 20 more weeks! so stay put!) still, i am so looking forward to holding him.

anyway, the scan went pretty well yesterday. there’s nothing at all wrong with our little bear. there is something slightly wrong with my placenta, however. it’s called a marginal insertion, which is when the umbilical cord attaches to the placenta at the end rather than in the middle. out of all the things i worried about, i never really gave any thought to that. probably because i’ve never heard of it before, and none of the pregnancy books i’ve read (not a one!) even mentioned this condition. the doctor didn’t seem to think it’s a big deal, but said i have to get ultrasounds every few weeks to make sure he’s growing okay. it is a little nerve wracking, because there’s not a lot of information on it. the only risk the doctor mentioned is that it can cause the baby not to grow as much as he should, but little bear is exactly the right size for now. i read a couple of things that indicated an increased risk for stillbirth, but i think those people were confusing marginal insertion with something like vasa previa. which i apparently don’t have, because my placenta is up near my fundus, in exactly the right place, and nowhere near my cervix. so i refuse to worry about this. i know my little guy is going to be okay. and i love him even more now that i’ve seen him. and his sweet little skull face.

so proto-joey will henceforth be known as little bear.

man, i’m starting to feel paranoid… i keep seeing all this horrible news about people dying, and i just found out that my coworker’s preemie isn’t doing too well. (i really, really hope that sweet little baby pulls through.) also, all these ominous dark clouds are gathering outside. i’m not expecting any particularly bad news today, since the tetra test was fine, but all this gloom is just nerve-wracking.

also, not for the first time, i really hate my goddamn bladder. the constantly full feeling is driving me crazy. i wish i could take those pills that you take when you have utis, where you can’t feel your bladder at all, and your pee turns orange. i’m pretty sure those are not allowed while pregnant, however. if proto-joey came out looking like an oompa loompa, i’d feel awful. worse than i feel now, even.

so, today’s the big day! the day i’ve been waiting for since learning i’m pregnant… if all goes well, i’ll be finding out the sex of proto-joey today. also, the place i’m having the procedure done will tape it for you. i was kind of like, gah, vhs? but it turns out the digital media center here at the library will convert vhs to cd or dvd, so w00t! and i actually found an unused vhs tape last night, so i’m good to go. ughhhh 2:00 will never get here…

dear proto-joey,

please stop laying on/kicking my bladder. getting up to pee every five minutes is getting pretty frustrating.

love,

mum

i had another uneventful checkup yesterday. the baby’s heart is still plugging away, and everything seems fine for now. i can’t wait til the ultrasound on friday. neither can sohei, apparently. it kept him up last night. he has his usual apprehension about it (he always gets nervous before ultrasounds), but mostly he’s excited. i think we’re both kind of assuming it’s a boy, since everyone we know is having girls, and we’re getting kind of psyched about the idea. of course, we’ll be happy no matter what we have, but after referring to our potential child as “zoe” all these years, it’s good to get ready for something different. he was thinking about what it’s going to be like to have a kid and all the things we’ll get to do. as easter approaches, i’ve been getting kind of excited about celebrating holidays with our kid. (even though we’re not at all religious, shut up.) it’ll be so fun to watch her (still sticking with the feminist neutral until we know better thankyouverymuch) hunt for easter eggs and open christmas presents. i think it’s really cute that it kept sohei up, though. it’s like christmas…

(and we’re not the only ones who are excited, apparently. proto-joey’s been going nuts in there the past few days. oof.)

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i definitely felt proto-joey kicking up a storm last night. i was lying in bed doing a crossword puzzle, and she would not settle down. i wish i felt her more during the day, but i hear they’re more active at night. my baby is definitely a spaz.

i’m going back to the doctor today for my regular monthly checkup. looking forward to hearing that little heartbeat again!

call me crazy, but i’m betting this isn’t going to be as uplifting or positive as they’re letting on…

i keep meaning to write about this, and keep forgetting. as a (reformed?) hypochondriac, my pregnancy has been fraught with panic about anything and everything that could go wrong. and when i go to look for answers, the standard response is that no one knows why these things happen. and no one knows what causes all these various symptoms in women. also, most of the time, there’s nothing that can be done, and the woman will have to live with the symptoms. or, worse, get over the loss of her baby and hope that it all goes better next time, somehow. (even though no one can figure out what happened to begin with.) when that woman i work with went into premature labor and gave birth to her 24-week-old daughter, no one could explain why. “sometimes these things just happen,” her doctor said. and in how many other diseases and disorders would this be an acceptable response when the catastrophic happens? if it weren’t pregnancy-related, would “shit happens” be an answer someone could live with?

we already know that far too many women die of heart attacks, because their symptoms weren’t “conventional” and therefore weren’t caught in time. (and by “conventional” i mean that they don’t have the damn sense to have a heart attack the way a man does.) which leads me to think, since medicine is obviously as patriarchal as any other area of society, that any problem that is exclusive to women would probably be summarily ignored. in addition to the heart attack issue, we also know that far too many hysterectomies and episiotomies are performed each year, completely unnecessarily. and don’t get me started on mastectomies. women have been butchered for ages for no other reason than these problems don’t affect men, so no one bothered to study them carefully. what’s a tit or uterus in the grand scheme of things?

as pregnancy is something that only affects women, it stands to reason this same attitude applies. does the man in the equation suffer when a pregnancy is lost? in many cases, yes. but i’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that, because they aren’t carrying the baby and can’t feel it moving around and stuff, they aren’t going to hurt nearly as badly as the woman, as she had more of an opportunity to bond. (oh, and there’s usually physical pain when a pregnancy ends as well, which is suffered exclusively by the woman.) after a while, i started getting really pissed off at the complete lack of answers regarding symptoms and pregnancy loss. almost invariably, when you try to figure out why you’re puking or why you have headaches or any of the other myriad discomforts of pregnancy, you’ll almost always see some variation on: “hormones.” wow, really? gee, thanks for putting so much thought into it. “we don’t know, but it’s probably all those hormones!” no explanation as to why or what these hormones are or where they come from or what they do. who gives a shit? just deal. (i am still pretty sure if a man spent three months or more puking almost every day, someone would have done something about it by now.)

then there are all the mysterious ways in which a woman can lose a baby. in the first trimester, it’s usually blamed on something being wrong with the baby. though there are plenty of people who admit that they don’t really know why around 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage at that time. no real, actual proof that it was some genetic or structural anomaly. and just when you think the baby is safely out of harm’s way, you run into problems like incompetent cervix. (who the fuck names these things, anyway?) oops, your cervix opened for no apparent reason and the baby just fell out! maybe it was a biopsy you had before or an std (an astounding number of pregnancy complications are blamed on stds, i’ve noticed. you whore.) or maybe it was genetic or something. again, who knows? you may have lost this baby that you spent the past five or so months carrying and falling in love with, but rest assured that next time, we might be able to stitch your cervix closed like a purse, and maybe – just maybe – the baby won’t fall out next time. (though it may, and also your bladder might rupture or some other awful complication. but hey, it’s the best we can do.) or you run into a situation like my coworker where you show up at the hospital in a lot of pain, only to be told that no one knows why you’re in labor, but you are, and will have to be cut open posthaste. because, you know, these things “just happen” sometimes.

so, yeah, i just find this whole thing a little fishy. also the fact that there are precious few meds made that are safe for a pregnant woman to take. it seems like we spend the majority of our pregnancies being told that we’ll just have to suffer. and i’m pretty damn sure that pregnancy would be a lot different if men had to do it. i don’t think there would be nearly the same amount of suffering involved.

i think proto-joey just kicked the hell out of me again. it’s amazing what such a tiny thing is capable of… i’m starting to get a little nervous about the beating i’m going to get a couple months from now, when she really packs a wallop.

ugh tired. i’ve been getting up a lot more often to pee again, after a few weeks’ respite. i am left to think the baby is using my bladder as a trampoline, as my uti culture is apparently negative. doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable, though it does make it slightly less worrisome. (as we all know, my utis don’t respond to anything less hardcore than cipro, which is a no-no while pregnant.)

after mooning around the past couple of weeks, i finally gave in and bought the dinosaur jr. album, where you been, in mp3 format on amazon. because it was one of our frequently-played albums when we used to drive around. (we listened to cassettes back then, so i’ve been getting them in used cd format in the meantime. but i can never find that album used.) so now it’s been added to my “<3″ play list along with the soundtracks for pulp fiction and sliver, urge overkill’s saturation, and bryan adams’ single ever loved a woman. (that last song is one of “our songs” because it’s the first slow song we danced to at prom. or ever, really. since then, we’ve graduated to louis armstrong’s a kiss to build a dream on. but that was our song back then, and kind of always will be, i guess.) so, yeah, i’m listening to that play list pretty consistently these days, and it’s nice to have some new songs on it.

anyway, i guess i’d better get back to work. even though i still can’t think about anything but the baby and going back home. oh, and i forgot that i actually wrote down my test results from before. i was mostly right.

osbr (open defects?) – 1:1,713
dsr (downs, i presume?) – 1:10,000
t18 (trisomy 18) – 1:2,723

you know, i love rain and everything, but how many more days of shitty weather and dark skies do i have to put up with? it’s great when i’m at home and don’t have anywhere to go, but does it ever do this on the weekend when i can enjoy it? no. it has to storm every time i have to drive somewhere. or stand outside for some reason. i should just start staying home on days when the weather sucks. what are they gonna do? fire me?

i went to the doctor yesterday because something has been feeling not quite right “down there” for the last few days. turns out that everything looks okay and my cervix is still closed, so w00t. so, yeah, no real explanation as to why it feels like the baby is already trying to make its way out my vag. i guess i’m crazy, which is always the explanation when i feel weird for no apparent reason. anyway, she checked the heartbeat, too, which never ceases to bring me crazy amounts of joy. this time, sohei remarked, with no small amount of excitement, how strong it sounded. and it did, until proto-joey swam away from the doppler again. the doctor said it was a good, strong heartbeat, within the normal range, etc. also, i got my test results back and they were completely fine. i don’t have the numbers in front of me, but i think my chances were 1:10000 for downs, 1:1800ish for trisomy 18, and 1:1700ish for open defects (like spina bifida, open abdomen, etc.). i’m fine with those odds. and also, the large “screen negative” at the top of the results page.

best. website. ever.