carvedangel.net

It’s getting to be that time of year again… spring is in the air. I’m listening to all my old nostalgia-type music and re-living the beginning of my relationship with sohei. This upcoming anniversary will be number 14/7. Which means we’ve been married as long as we were dating before we got married. So from now on, we’ll have been married longer than we dated, which is weird because it seemed like such a long time. I can’t believe I could spend so much time with someone and still love them so much. But I still feel the same way about him 14 years later. It’s not like it’s been perfect the whole time or anything, of course. But I can’t imagine life without him. And I know that, in his own bear-like way, he still loves me too.

He’s been absolutely amazing through this pregnancy thing. He has gone to every appointment, every lab test, and sat with me through the entire 13-hour er ordeal. And while he worries sometimes about proto-joey (mainly that she’s not growing enough or that maybe her heart isn’t as strong as it should be, etc.) he doesn’t make me worry about it or console him. (too often.) and though he likes to play it cool most of the time, I think he gets pretty psyched about seeing her on ultrasound and hearing her heartbeat and stuff. He doesn’t seem to feel much trepidation about becoming a parent. If he does, he doesn’t tell me about it.

Sometimes I wonder how the baby’s going to change our relationship. Since – aside from the year apart – we’ve always spent most of our time together, it’ll be weird sharing the house with someone else. I mean, I’m sure I’ll get used to it pretty quickly and it won’t seem weird for long, but still… I suppose I’ll have to get used to not having his undivided attention anymore. It was my understanding that this is usually a concern for the husband, in that he’ll have to share his wife’s affections. And I don’t think I’m jealous of the baby or that I will be. But the change in relationship dynamic will probably take some getting used to.

Anyway, since we’ll be moving back to tampa on our anniversary weekend (my last day at the library is 5/14, the day after our anniversary), we’ll get to eat at our favorite restaurant and maybe visit whatever old haunts are left. Last year, near our anniversary, we were over at the lake house, which brought back so many memories. I don’t doubt that this year will be different. His old house, where we used to hang out after school every day, is next door to the lake house. Even though I know it’s totally different on the inside, and some parts of the outside have changed a little (like the dumb roof they put on), it’s still the same old house. Sometimes I wish we could buy it back some day and make it like it was and live there forever.

I know I’m rambling, but work is so boring lately. I have about a dozen projects to finish before I leave in 44 days, but I don’t feel like doing them. It’s so hard to care anymore. All I can think about is the baby and going back home. And, lately, sohei. I mean, I think about him a lot anyway, but you know how I am in the spring. I’ll be so happy when we make it back safe and sound and can focus on getting our home ready for proto-joey…

also, i forgot. it felt like proto-joey kicked me last night. again, i have no idea whether it’s really her or not, but i’ve never experienced gas that felt like it was trying to punch its way through my stomach in one little spot. of course, i’ve also never been pregnant before, and maybe pregnancy gas is just really hardcore. frankly, i think she headbutted me. a dirty little fighter, just like her mum.

some (probably) good news about proto-joey:

i had to call the nurse today about some light spotting (very light) that i had after some quality time with sohei on saturday. she said if i’m still in any pain as of tomorrow morning, to call and schedule an appointment. as i’m not in any real pain right now – just mild discomfort – i’m not all that concerned. but the good news is, i asked whether the test results from the screening were going to be mailed to me or what. and she said that, unless there’s a problem, they’ll be discussed at my next appointment. and since the results should already be there, and she didn’t say there was anything wrong, that probably means the results are within normal parameters. w00t! so, according to the crappy test that’s wrong around 10-15% of the time, proto-joey is probably okay. i know i can’t wait til i see her on ultrasound next friday. they’ll be able to determine, by looking, whether she has everything and it’s all where it’s supposed to be. also, i’m hoping she’ll show us her junk, so i can finally tell people what we’re having. (sohei has said that i’m not allowed to refer to his child’s nethers as “junk” but we all know what a classy lassie i am.)

lovelovelove proto-joey…

my pregnant coworker, who was 7-8 weeks ahead of me, is no longer pregnant. she had her baby on friday. and while the email says mother and baby are doing well, i can’t imagine how a 24-25 weeks’ gestation baby could be doing what i’d consider well. in the course of listening to the rumor mill, i’ve learned that most women who work here at the library have their babies quite prematurely. i guess it’s some kind of common curse here to have your baby before the shower. as mine is scheduled for 4/23, i’m hoping like hell that’s not the case for me. proto-joey wouldn’t be near viable by then. what the hell is it about this place that causes so many premature births?? sure, they work the staff like mules, but faculty aren’t held to the same hellish schedule, and their babies are preemies, too. i just know that the sooner i get out of this hellhole, the better i’ll feel…

i’m kind of wishing i hadn’t taken that stupid screening test last friday. because i’m pretty darn sure the baby’s just fine, and i’m also sure that the test will give a false positive and then i’ll have to deal with follow up tests and stuff, all for nothing. i’m already thinking that, even if the results are bad, i’ll just have the ultrasound and hope for the best. i’m really not wanting to do amnio anymore. i was kind of cavalier about it before, but it just feels like the baby is okay, and i don’t think i want to risk miscarriage over a stupid lab error. we’ll see, i guess. i’m not so much worried that the results are bad because there’s something wrong with the baby, like i thought i’d be. i’m more concerned now that the test is going to be completely wrong, causing me needless future worry. arg. it seems like every single decision i make is wrong.

i went shopping for maternity clothes for the first time yesterday. even with the belly band, my jeans are getting uncomfortably tight, in places the band can do nothing about. mainly, my butt. unfortunately, i found almost nothing in my size (wow, what a surprise), and what i did find was just awful. for one thing, the fabric was really flimsy and looked like it would fall apart after a couple washes. (also, one of the dresses was thin enough to feel a bit see-through to me.) another problem was that the couple of dresses i did find in my size were clearly designed for the small/extra small end of the spectrum, and not for women with boobs or a butt. but hey, at least they deigned to make it in my size. needless to say, i didn’t buy anything, so i guess i’ll just wear the same two skirts i’ve been wearing to work on alternating days. hopefully, i won’t get too huge until after i’m done working. then i can just sit around the house in a burlap sack or a garbage bag. i guess i figured that maternity clothes would be awesome to wear as a fat chick, since everyone gets kind of “fat”/curvy during pregnancy. wrong.

i think i might have just felt the baby! the first time i thought i felt something, a couple of weeks ago, it was kind of a very slight fluttery feeling. this time it felt like a pop! i’ve never had gas that felt like this, so i’m thinking this probably isn’t gas.

happy week 16, proto-joey!

i was lying in bed this morning, thinking about how our lives would change once the baby is born. mainly because i feel like i’m not giving it enough thought. i know it’s the sort of thing you should think about before getting pregnant, which i did, but i don’t seem to have become panicky enough at any point. i read that if you don’t feel at least somewhat nervous, you’re not being realistic or preparing yourself for what is to come. not that i am completely without nerves. i’m not looking forward to never sleeping again. i’m worried that there might be something wrong with the baby or that i might do something stupid. but i’m not really freaked out about how my life in general will change. i mean, i know i won’t be able to cuss so much. that’s going to be a hard habit to break. also, i guess i’ll kind of miss spontaneity. but once the kid is old enough, i’ll get some of that back. i don’t know, i’m just not able to get into a panic about any of it. and while i’m glad that’s one less thing for me to stress about now, i am a little concerned that i’m going to be in for a huge shock later and not be able to handle any of it. whatevs. guess i’ll cross that bridge when i come to it.

last night sohei and i were watching the episode of star trek: the next generation where troi gets pregnant by some mysterious being, etc. and they showed this embryo, with its little crook arms and black dot eyes, which made me squee with hormonal joy. “gahhhh! it’s a proto-joey!” and though my proto-joey is past this stage, i was still excited and was all, “i have one of those!” and sohei is concerned that i am rather too attached to her, when she’s so far from being born all safe and sound. but i can’t help it. i love proto-joey madly, and no amount of trying to be rational is going to change that. he doesn’t think we should call her by name, either, until she’s born. which is easy for now, of course, because i have no idea what she’s going to be. but it will probably be more difficult later.

anyway, my navel still hurts off and on. i guess i’m going to call the doctor today. i think i need to buy a couple of maternity items this weekend, because my loose pants aren’t loose anymore, and i think they’re rubbing my belly button too much. also, i thought i might have felt proto-joey move again yesterday. i first felt something a couple of weeks ago, but thought it was way too early. but the doctor said it’s completely possible. also, we know that proto-joey is a spaz, so if she’s moving around a lot, maybe i can feel it now and then. i’m waiting for a more definitive feeling before i start telling people, though. silly little proto-spaz…

i’ve been in some form of pain all weekend. i’m having this weird pain in my navel area, off and on. which then kind of runs down my abdomen into my crotchtal area. and if you’re as paranoid about stuff as i am, any kind of abdominal pain while pregnant is scary. i totally overdid it trying to pack and move stuff around yesterday, so it’s not like it’s for no reason. i’m just hoping i didn’t give myself a hernia or something. thankfully, this afternoon i’m not really having much in the way of abdominal pain. but my gums hurt like fuck, and there’s no discernible reason for it. i ate a few mini-eggs (it’s the most wonderful time of the year!) and suddenly my gums hurt. they don’t seem to be bleeding or anything, but ow. i really need to go to the dentist before i lose my dental insurance…

sorry, i know this is totally boring. i’m supposed to be getting the house ready for our move, but i’m taking it easy today in the hopes that the belly pain goes away. but i got so much done yesterday! i finished the damn loft, which is probably the most difficult part. (i think it took about three weekends.) i threw out almost ten bags of garbage, and am giving about that many to goodwill. i also got started on the bathroom, and packed all the non-essential stuff. and packed a bunch of bedroom stuff as well. oh, and some stuff in sohei’s office. so, looking at that list, i can see why i’ve been all painy for the past couple days. and i reckon i probably didn’t do any harm to proto-joey. women who work way harder than i do manage to have babies somehow.

we got to hear the heartbeat this time! i get so ecstatic when i hear it. she said it’s a good, strong heartbeat. sohei was kind of worried when we couldn’t hear it last time, and i could tell he was nervous about whether we’d hear it this time, coz he asked the doctor whether the baby could have a weak heartbeat or something. but it was fine! also, i don’t have diabetes! but i’ll have to take that long, long test again around week 26. whatevs. now i’m not nearly as worried about the neural tube defect thing. though i’m still going to the lab next week for the screening test. and i’m having a diagnostic ultrasound in april, at which i’m hoping to learn the gender of proto-joey. lovelovelove proto-joey.

it’s proto-joey appointment day! i don’t know if i’ll get to see her on ultrasound today… if they can hear the heartbeat with the doppler thingy, i probably won’t. i can never tell what i’m looking at anyway. though i will ask the doctor when we’re going to do the diagnostic, gender-detecting ultrasound, and whether i’ll get pictures. after all the ultrasounds i’ve had, i haven’t got one picture! i think the hospital has pics of proto-joey as a fetal pole, but i’m not sure it’s worth it to get those… of course, i’ll probably be sad later if i don’t have them, so i may brave the phone maze and try to get my hands on them. i’m debating how insane that would be.

aanyway, we’re approaching week 15, and all seems to be well so far. i’m really looking forward to hearing that little heartbeat today!

some people have told me, in the past week or so, that i’m showing. i didn’t really believe it at first, because there’s pretty much no way you show this early with your first. but i just looked at a gallery of bellies, and it is completely possible. so, no, it’s not just fat or bloat. woo!

also, i realized why i’m enjoying pregnancy so much. i haven’t really been depressed at all since finding out! for me, depression is pretty much a constant companion. i have even felt suicidal from time to time. but since getting pregnant, i’ve felt panicky at times, and really angry, but not depressed. the anger thing is weird, because i did tend to get angry now and then. but now i’m angry a lot more and don’t even bother trying to hide it. things that used to make me want to hide somewhere and cry now throw me into a hulk-like rage, and rather than wanting to disappear, i start chewing people the fuck out. at first, this made me feel bad, but now i’m kind of liking it. i have never, ever been this aggressive, and i imagine that i’ll become docile again once these hormones are gone… and though i never thought i’d do something like yell at a cop, it felt pretty good. since i didn’t get tased or arrested or anything. anyway, aside from the occasional panic attack and bout of hormone rage, i imagine this must be what it feels like to be kind of normal. even while on buspar, my depression didn’t completely disappear. and now it’s just not there anymore. for some reason, it took me this long to recognize its absence.

by the way, this is my favorite pregnancy calendar. i wish i’d known about it from the beginning. it may have made me slightly less panicky.

by all accounts, i’m in the second trimester now. i thought this day would never come. so unless the screening test reveals something awful, it should be mostly smooth sailing from now on. (as smooth as pregnancy can be, anyway.) i love going to all the week-by-week websites on wednesdays and seeing what proto-joey is up to. apparently, this week she’s the size of a fist. it’s kind of crazy how fast she grows… and i should be able to feel her moving around in about a month or so. i thought i felt her move just a tiny bit the other day, but there are so many weird sensations emanating from my lower abdomen, it’s more likely that it was gut-related. now that she’s probably going to stick around, i’m going to try to take the rest of the pregnancy slowly and not be in such a rush for the rest of it. i am excited about impending things like feeling her move and having a proper bump and knowing what gender she is. but it’s not accompanied by the sense of frantic urgency i’ve felt up until now. and if i get to hear her heartbeat on the doppler thingie at my appointment next tuesday, the lead-up to future appointments will also feel less manic. the appointments before were preceded with excitement but panic. what if the ultrasound showed that her heart wasn’t beating anymore? but now that things are supposed to be relatively safe for her, i’m only a little nervous about the next one. just to make sure nothing’s happened during the last couple of weeks of the first trimester, you know? i would assume that after this, i can just mostly look forward to future appointments under the assumption that of course she’s still alive in there, duh!

argggg. you know, i can put up with most pregnancy symptoms okay. i’m very, very grateful i didn’t have morning sickness to the point of actual barfing. (because that’s my least favorite thing ever.) but this itching is driving. me. nuts. i’ve been a little itchy from the start, but it’s really bad now. i got some cocoa butter/shea stuff over the weekend, and it helps some, but i don’t really want to use it at work and get it all over my work clothes. so i sit here and scratch my back until it hurts. it actually bled the other day, which has never happened to me before. scratching until i bleed, i mean. at least that’s the only place that really itches. i have this spot on my stomach that itches a lot, too, but not nearly as much. i keep reading that it’s related to stretching skin, and i get stretchmarks really easily. but none yet. (no additional ones, i should say.) just a lot of relentless itching.