in my post about feminism and choice, i neglected to mention another segment of women (often married, with kids, natch) who are also occasionally taken to task over their choices: housewives. orb has talked about this on her blog, as this is the career she’s chosen for herself. also, my mum was a housewife until juchan was in high school, so it’s kind of an emotionally-charged issue for me.

if given my druthers, i don’t think i’d mind being a housewife. for one thing, i hate working. i don’t care if this makes me look lazy or whatever. i’ve only ever had two jobs i actually liked being at, and before a year was up, i hated them, too. the main reason is that i hate being told what to do. especially if i think that the person bossing me around doesn’t have the right to do so. most of my bosses have been idiots, and i don’t listen to idiots. which doesn’t usually go over too well. i borrow my work motto from mrs. slocombe of are you being served fame: you are in no way my superior. this whole anti-authority thing didn’t do me any favors in school, either, but somehow i never learned my lesson. that might be pride fucking with me, but it’s not something i’m willing to sell. especially for the crap wages i always seem to get stuck making.

then there’s also the fact that i hate leaving the house. part of it is because i’m sick all the time. and aside from being more comfortable in bed and near my own bathroom than at my desk at work, sometimes it can be downright embarrassing being the kind of sick i get whilst in public. i’ve never worked anywhere that was understanding about the kind of time off work i generally need because of this stupid chronic illness. (which i understand from their point of view, but it doesn’t make it suck any less for me.) the other thing is that i still have a lot of social anxiety. and while i know i need to get over it or get on some damn meds, it never completely helps. i’ve been on anxiety meds before, and it makes being around other people only marginally more comfortable. leaving my home is almost always an unpleasant prospect for me, especially if i’m dragging myself someplace i don’t want to be.

which leaves being a housewife. but, i hear some argue, if you choose to be a housewife, then your husband is your boss. i have two things to say about that: 1) hahahahahaha in his dreams and 2) i’d rather have to answer to my husband than to some jacked up asshole i neither like nor respect. i feel like i have more freedom when i’m unemployed. ever since i started working, i haven’t painted once, and my attempts at creative writing have been crap. i’m so tired and worn down when i get home that all i’m capable of is watching tv, eating dinner, then going to bed. i don’t have the energy to do anything creative. you’ll notice that i haven’t done anything with my website since the beginning of ‘06. the layout hasn’t changed in three years. thankfully, i like it, but i used to change it at least four or five times a year. i don’t thrive at all when i’m working full-time. neither did mum. she was always doing all this craft stuff – and even had some of her work published – until she started working.

i mentioned in the other post that i felt more subverted being unemployed than i did being married. the main reason behind this is because you’re made to feel worthless in this society unless you’re earning a paycheck. though, now that i sit here and think about it, i think this job in particular has made me feel more helpless and worthless and owned than being unemployed ever did. sohei might have been crappy to me when i wasn’t working, but it’s nothing compared to how awful the university has been treating me. so, again, if faced with the choice of having sohei act all nasty to me because i’m not working, or having a faceless group of bastards treating me like shit, i’d rather put up with sohei’s wrath. (ideally, i’d be treated decently no matter what, but that’s the problem with the whole patriarchy thing. even though admin is all-female where i work, so you’d think they’d know better…)

after being the breadwinner for three years, i can kind of understand where sohei’s coming from. it’s really, really stressful to be the only one bringing in any money. what happens if you get fired or something happens to you and you can’t work? also, in our case, i’m the only one who can get health insurance through work, since his dad’s business isn’t large enough to offer it as a benefit. so i can see why it’s important that i have a job. but that doesn’t mean i’ll like working. i’ll still hate it. and i probably never will get to pursue any of the creative endeavors i wanted to.

the way i see it, no matter what choice a woman makes career-wise, she’ll be a slave to the patriarchy no matter what. she’ll either be serving her husband and family or her corporate (or state or federal) overlords. she’ll always get paid less than her male peers, she’ll always get the crappier jobs, and she’ll always have to kiss someone’s ass and work 100x harder than the guys. but if i have to “serve” – and it’s clear that i will always have to on some level – i’d rather “serve” my family. at least at home i have some time to call my own and some goddamn freedom. even if i have to listen to sohei bitch that i didn’t do the dishes or whatever, i’ll have made what i consider good use of my time doing the things i want to do with my life, and creating or doing something i can actually feel good about at the end of the day. and what’s he going to do anyway? fire me?

seriously, it probably seems that i’ve been really anti-feminism lately. and i’m not. it’s important that women are willing to put up with eye-rolls and much worse to assert their rights. but i still think that a lot of self-proclaimed feminists are patronizing and nasty and far too willing to throw other women under the bus for their choices. and, for me, it eventually comes down to the fact that i am a woman, but i’m a human being, too. and, as a human being, i feel completely unfulfilled and unhappy working. i hate answering to other people, i hate getting sick away from home, and i hate that nothing i do at work ever has any real meaning. and i feel that my mum was far more valued by my sister and myself than she ever was at work. her life wasn’t ideal, and she put up with a lot of crap over the years for choosing to be a housewife. and while our hands are all too often tied, i think it’s safe to say that every human being wants to feel like they have some control over their lives and be free to make their own choices whenever possible. unfortunately, i don’t get to choose not to work. it’s not feasible in my situation. just like i think it’s completely unfeasible that humans should stop reproducing or that they’ll ever stop treating other people like crap. i respect what feminism ultimately means, but i think some of the ideas that come from it border on ridiculous. i think that, like any group of people with an agenda, they ultimately lose sight of what it’s like to be an individual. i don’t need an entity that i look to for ideas and inspiration and support constantly telling me, “ur doin it wrong.” and while i admit to taking some of it personally because of the choices i’ve made, a lot of the time, it’s not oversensitivity on my part.

i wish i could believe that most people are good. but there are plenty of evil women, too. and i think that, if women did stop marrying and having kids, and we did have some kind of revolution, the world would not be much different. (aside from a major drop in population, unless men suddenly were able to bear children somehow.) because it’s always the awful people who get ahead, no matter what their gender. my bosses at the university are all women (supervisor, associate director, and director as well as hr), and no one has been more horrible to me since i announced my pregnancy than they have. the only people who have helped me at all are men! and no one’s ever meaner about how you look (after middle school anyway, and before then it’s pretty much 50/50) than other women. when i think about what life would look like if women were equal or in charge, i don’t see how it would change that much for me. maybe we’d have less war, maybe i’d get a fair wage at work, maybe women would be depicted in a better light in books and movies and stuff… but the things that fundamentally make my life suck would still be there. and maybe my life would suck worse, because i generally like being married, and having this baby is just about one of the most exciting things to ever happen to me. (i mean, creating a life and watching it grow? how fucking cool is that?)

i still believe i have a right to be treated with respect no matter my gender. and i think that all women should be treated better. when it comes to privilege, men definitely have us beat, and that sucks. it’s also stupid that a lot of women are expected to both work and do most of the household-related tasks, including child-rearing. (though, in a lot of families i’m acquainted with, things are being split a lot more equitably than they may have been back in the day.) i don’t disagree that women are mostly treated as second class citizens. but wouldn’t it be more beneficial to all of us if we genuinely banded together, instead of sneering at the women who aren’t as “feminist” as they should be? why should i think that a woman who’s willing to treat me like an idiot and throw me under the bus because i don’t agree with them, is going to be any better to me than a guy who does the same damn thing? also, isn’t it a little unrealistic to suggest that we should be subverting men? for one thing, it’s completely unfair to turn around and treat other people the way we know we don’t like being treated. revenge is pretty much crap no matter what, and doesn’t do anyone any good.

basically, what i’m trying to say is that i do believe women should be treated as equals. but that we could get a lot more done if we were realistic about our goals, and if we treated our sisters with a little more respect than we sometimes do. (like calling other women skanks or telling them that they’re helping the patriarchy by having kids.) zealotry, no matter the cause (religious, political, etc.), never actually accomplishes anything, because you cut out a large segment of people who might otherwise be willing to help, and no one can take you seriously. (for example, i am completely sympathetic with the animal rights cause, but could never join peta.)

anyway, i guess i’d better get back to work. if you made it through this entire screed, congratulations. i hope i haven’t pissed anyone off too badly.

sohei keeps dreaming that we have a boy. he’s only had one dream where we have a girl. strangely, i have not been dreaming about the baby at all. i’ve heard that when you’re pregnant, your dreams get really weird and you dream about the baby all the time, but i haven’t dreamed about it once. that i can remember. anyway, some people apparently think that it can be an eerie predictor of gender. or that a woman gets “feelings” about such things. personally, i’m really in the dark. i have no idea what it’s going to be. but i don’t know if that’s because it is a boy and i wanted a girl so badly that i’m blocking it out somehow. of course, i’ll love my child no matter what gender it is. but sohei keeps getting upset with me and acting like i’m going to hate the baby if it’s a boy. which i totally won’t. but we’ve been referring to our kid as “zoe” for so long, it’s just going to seem weird if it’s not zoe… on the other hand, it would probably be for the best if the baby’s a boy. we’ve been building up all these expectations for zoe all these years, without really meaning to, and that’s kind of unfair to her. for some reason, we never really thought we’d have a boy, so his slate is pretty clean, so to speak. so, because of sohei’s dreams, my complete cluelessness, and the fact that his cousin and step-sister-in-law keep having girls, i reckon we’re due for a boy. we’ll see in a couple of months, i guess, if we’re lucky.

mmm-hmm. thank you.

okay, since my last two posts have been bitchy, i’ll try to write something nice for once…

i’ve been going through our stuff and throwing a lot of it out, and consolidating the rest in boxes. i thought i’d be more sentimental since i’m pregnant, but i’m actually a lot less than usual. i’ve already thrown out tons of stuff i couldn’t bear to part with during the last move. i think i’m subconsciously trying to make room for the baby or something. anyway, last night i was looking through these old boxes of letters. there’s one shoe box with my letters to sohei, and pictures and stuff, and one with his letters to me, etc. we had to write via snail mail, coz i didn’t have email during the year we spent apart. we’re both pretty humiliated by the things we wrote, but there’s no way i can throw them out. we were really, sickeningly in love, apparently. it was nice reading how he felt about me back then, and some of the adventures he had while he was away at school. and our old photos are great. we were so young! and cute! and thin! but it’s nice, too, because despite all the sarcasm and bickering, we still love each other a lot.

in other news, i’ve been reading obsessively about proto-joey again. apparently, she’s moving and joeying about in there, even if i can’t feel it yet. and growing little hairs. and producing insulin. is there anything proto-joey can’t do? it feels so good not to have to worry all the time if she’s going to make it. because chances are good now that she will. so now it’s like it’s okay to let myself get all excited and stuff. i’m really and truly going to have a joey! i am so looking forward to actually being able to feel her move around in there. i know i’m going to be sorry i said that later, but for now, i can’t wait. i keep reminding myself that i need to just enjoy this and take things as they happen, since i’m probably not going to do the pregnancy thing again. and that it’ll be over before i know it, and i’ll be kind of sad and maybe miss it a little. i’m thinking having the baby around will probably make up for it, though…

Now that I’ve started telling people I’m pregnant, the reactions have been pretty funny. Keeping in mind that I’m pushing 30, I’m especially amused by the amount of “was it planned?!” type questions I keep getting. (which I’m never sure how to answer. “it’s none of your business” most often comes to mind. Followed closely by, “well, when you fuck all the time like I do, it’s bound to happen eventually.”) anyway, it’s like people are afraid to seem too happy, just in case I’m not. I’ve mentioned before that a lot of people seem to think I’m a lot younger than I am. They’re shocked to find out I’m married, so I’m sure learning that I’m knocked up has thrown some of them for a loop.

One time, at a stupid work function, we were playing that game where you stand in a circle with a person in the middle, and the person says some thing they’ve done, and everyone who’s also done it has to run around looking for a space in the circle, and the odd man out has to go stand in the middle. I’m totally not explaining it well, but whatevs. Anyway, at one point, the person in the middle says, “kissed a boy.” So all the ladies are running around, and I can’t find a spot, so I end up being the middle person. And some lady pipes up, “[gish]! You’ve kissed a boy?” and half the room replied, “she’s married!” and I was like, “yeah, when you get married, kissing the groom is almost kind of like a requirement.” I’m not sure why she was so shocked that I’d kissed someone in my lifetime, but I do, on occasion, run into women who are incredulous that I’m married when somehow they’ve never managed it. (this happens to a lot of the married/engaged women in the fat acceptance community, I’ve found.) I’m running into the same thing now that I’m pregnant, because there’s no way any man could possibly want to – ugh – have sex with me. Sometimes I want to laugh derisively and say, “haha! Fatty fatty fat fat is living the dream, bitchez!” (I’m certainly not going to tell them that my marriage isn’t perfect or that the American dream is crap. or that they can “joke” about how I’m not participating in the new fitness program at work, but that somehow, jogging hasn’t done anything to help them with their relationships. Mostly because how much exercise you get has nothing to do with being married.)

That’s not to say that people aren’t happy for me. A lot of people are thrilled and react how you’d imagine a normal human being would. I guess I can even understand the people who see me as being young enough that pregnancy might be a crisis. But the small group of people who have met the news with a terse smile or the kind of shock that isn’t followed closely with “congratulations” is proving kind of amusing to me. Mostly because this group is composed of nasty, gossipy women/girls who are obsessed with being skinny and “hawt” and constantly wondering why they can’t find boyfriends. (here’s a hint: having a personality helps.)

I didn’t intend for this entry to be so snide, but as I was writing, I got to thinking about the situation. And how it’s funny but also really annoying at the same time. being married isn’t that big a deal to me, so I never felt compelled to feel smug about it. But having a baby is about the best thing ever, so not being smug has been really hard.

i’m sure i’ve already established that i’m not the best feminist in the world. so i’m sure you won’t be shocked when i’m forced to ask: why is marriage considered to be some terrible construct dreamed up by the patriarchy? (i had a conversation about this with a friend once, which i may expound upon some other time.) i guess i can kind of understand why some people think it’s lame for a woman to get all decked out in white like some kind of virgin sacrifice. i think the traditional wedding is mostly a waste of time and money. but the reasons i feel it’s stupid have very little or nothing to do with misogyny. i also don’t think that, by marrying a man, a woman is any closer to being “owned” by him. maybe i’m not seeing things correctly because my own circumstances were kind of weird.

in my situation, i was the one who said, conversationally, that we should probably get married. sure, i’d been against it for years, because i didn’t feel i needed some kind of proof from the state that i loved sohei. but, realistically, i needed to be added to his health plan, etc. (now, the whole “no insurance coverage unless you’re married” thing might be some kind of tool of the patriarchy. however, since i’m now the breadwinner and insurance guarantor, i’m thinking that view might be a little backward. maybe in the majority of relationships, the guy is the one who brings home the bacon and the benefits, but i guess that’s just another way in which my marriage is weird.) my wedding wasn’t exactly traditional, either. i wore a simple, cheapish, little black dress and sohei wore a suit. we got married at the courthouse, with our two best friends as witnesses. i did not feel, during the entirety of the ceremony, that i was being given away or sold into slavery or sacrificed or anything else. i could be wrong, but i’m pretty sure he had to say exactly the same vows i did, which means if i had to promise to obey, so did he. (we got a printout of the vows, i think, which i now want to go reference. because for some reason i don’t remember that part.)

then there’s the issue of divorce. i guess it’s harder to leave when you’re legally bound in a relationship. but it seems to me that both parties are equally “stuck.” and, really, i’m not that much more “stuck” with sohei than i was before we married. splitting up our stuff would be a pain in the ass no matter what, since we jointly own almost all of our possessions. so i guess maybe long term relationships are a construct of the patriarchy as well? i don’t know… but i’m pretty sure i prefer that to loneliness or a long line of flings. (that’s just me, of course. i’m not saying you can’t be happy unless you’re in an ltr. i just know that i would personally be less happy without sohei in my life. which is why, despite everything, i’m still married to him.) also, it’s no more difficult for a woman to get a divorce than a man. not in florida, anyway. you can get divorced whenever you want, for whatever reason. if you don’t want it to be a long, drawn-out battle, it doesn’t even really cost that much here.

i don’t know… i just don’t see it. i’m not saying my relationship is perfect, but i don’t feel particularly subverted, either. i actually felt like a second-class citizen more before we got married than i do now. it’s not like we got married and sohei suddenly turned into some kind of monster. “ha! we’re married! i own you now.” he’s no more or less controlling than he ever was. in my experience, being unemployed makes me feel far more “owned” than marriage ever has. while he’s in school, i’ve been the one working full time and bringing home a paycheck and insurance. he’s the one cooking and cleaning and doing most of the house-related stuff. but i don’t particularly feel like i “own” him, either. i honestly think we’ve got a pretty equal partnership going now. i think that would be the case whether we’re married or not.

i think the reason the anti-marriage (and anti-reproduction, in some cases) thing bugs me is that it seems to assume that women who choose to get married are too dumb to understand what they’re doing to themselves. i didn’t get married or choose to have a baby because “it seemed like the thing to do, durr.” or because i’m “supposed to.” i married sohei because i love him, and it also made sense to do that. i guess it was kind of “the right thing to do” in that the smart thing at the time was to acquire health insurance rather than sink another $1000 into medical bills. but i didn’t feel like i was selling myself for health insurance or anything else. and the whole relationship security thing goes both ways. though neither of us feel particularly more secure than we did before, really. we didn’t get married because our parents pressured us or i was too stupid to know better. i found someone i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, so marriage didn’t seem like that big of a deal. and as far as getting pregnant, that was a decision we both made. we’re not doing it because we feel some sort of societal pressure. our parents never pressured us to have kids, either. i didn’t used to think it was something i wanted to do, but as i got older, i thought it would be kind of neat to get to experience it. i didn’t just wake up one morning and go, “welp! i’m a lady! i better commence to procreatin’!” besides, if no one had kids, i’m not sure how we’d go about, you know, continuing the human race and populating the planet and stuff. treating women like they’re idiots for wanting to be “breeders” is pretty stupid and short-sighted. i think it’s pretty interesting that some of the same people who get all up-in-arms about choice are the same ones who think those who choose to have babies are morons for, um, making a choice.

this isn’t to say that all feminists think that all fetuses should be aborted or something. i’m not even saying that everything i wrote above pertains to every feminist or whatever, etc. i just don’t understand the ones who think this way. and i think treating other women like they’re dumb animals for the choices they make (marriage, reproduction, employment, etc.) is pretty fucking un-feminist. because these aren’t choices my husband or father get to make, and they’re not choices you get to make for me, either. i’m the one who wanted to get married, i’m the one who wants to have a baby, and i’m the one who wants to stay home with it for a year. (whereas sohei was ambivalent toward the first, wouldn’t have even mentioned the second if i hadn’t kept hounding him about it, and is pretty much completely against the third.) i think the patriarchy is pretty rotten and does a lot of shitty things. but i think that acting like marriage and having kids means you’re in thrall to it, and if you don’t realize it, you’re a big stupid dummy, is pretty shitty too. and condescending.

well, i’ve hit the 13 week mark. i guess that means things are probably okay? i’m still feeling a little nervous about the screening test, but not nearly to the extent i worried about losing the baby these past few weeks. just this last week, and i reckon i’ll be out of the 1st trimester. it seemed to take forever. now i’m counting down the days until the screening, then the ultrasound where we learn the gender, and of course, finally, the big day. actually, it’s just the screening and the gender determination that i’m really antsy about. other than that, i’m not in a hurry to not be pregnant anymore. i’m sure i’ll change my tune when i’m huge and uncomfortable (i mean more than usual), but for now… i guess i’ll find out at my next appointment (3/10) when i’ll be doing the bloodwork and stuff. and i know that there’s quite a wait for the results. like a week or two? then it’ll be at least another month and a half before i find out what the baby is. i bet it’ll do like b-san’s (the other pregnant lady at work) baby and refuse to cooperate. as it is, it’s impossible to see anything anyway.

this will only be funny to like three people who already know about it, but i’m putting it here for posterity.

Number 1 Thing That Is Awkward To Bring Up When Your Comic’s Characters Are All Anthropomorphic Animals, And Sometimes There Are Mixed Carnivore-Herbivore Marriages: the food chain. Still, the vagaries of evolution and geography have prevented us from enjoying an epic bear vs. kangaroo battle to the death, so perhaps we should be thankful if our bear-plugger goes crazy and start mauling half the restaurant.

-the comics curmudgeon

i had a nightmare last night that i ate a turkey sandwich. now i want one really bad. i know it’s really stupid and there’s very little chance of my getting listeriosis, but if i did get it, i’d feel awful. (physically and emotionally, clearly.) but damn, i want that sandwich.

it turns out that now sohei doesn’t want to announce the pregnancy because he’s afraid he’ll jinx it. i’ll let him make his own decisions. i have some of the same fears, of course, but i’m tired of worrying all the time. stupid work stuff aside, i’m going to try to enjoy this as much as i can because, despite what sohei wants, i will only be doing this once. (he’s wanting two now.)

i’m not sure whether i’ve mentioned his sympathy symptoms on here before, but sohei is definitely experiencing some. i think it’s pretty funny. he’s exhausted for no reason sometimes and he’s been really hungry. it seems like there were others, but those are the most common ones. i figure as long as he doesn’t complain more than i do about them (as if it were possible to complain more than me), it’s fine. honestly, we’re so like that in other ways, i had a feeling this would happen.

recently, he’s been a little creeped out about proto-joey’s size. he was fine when it was a tiny bean, but now that it’s around two inches long, he’s viewing it as more of a tapeworm than a fetus. and he is in turn creeping me out. (”gah! stop talking about it like that! it’s inside me!”) he says he’ll feel better when it’s actual human-size, but we’ll see.

also, i didn’t relate much of the story about the day i found out, i don’t think. so i guess i will now, before i forget. it was the day after christmas, and i was two days late. i’d been having these really bad, weird cramps on christmas eve, so i figured my period would eventually show up. in the afternoon, they got so bad that i had to lay down and took a nap until it was time to get ready for the party. still assuming that i was just late, i drank a lot that night, like i always do at the christmas eve party. then on christmas, i felt so tired all day i napped pretty much constantly. my mother in law chalked it up to having too much fun the night before, and i agreed. still cramping, no period. i had a couple chocolatinis that night, but when i went to bed and was still sans period, i started getting suspicious. and feeling kind of guilty. so the next day i insisted to sohei that i get a test while we were out and about. he thought i was being ridiculous and said if i was still worried, i could get one when we got home. but i told him i wanted to know so i could drink and go in the hot tub and stuff. so he said fine, but i’d have to pay for it if it was negative. (he thought it would be a waste of $20. but there was a sale and i got two for $10.)

anyway, genma and no-chan were napping when we got home, so i scurried to the bathroom and took the test. i watched in disbelief as two lines appeared. teary-eyed, i stood in the doorway of the bedroom and gestured to sohei to come look. he came in and looked at the test, and was like, “i don’t know what this means.” and i pointed out where it said on the stick, 2 lines = pregnant. he was eating an ice cream cone at the time and was nearly finished with it. he threw the remainder of the cone in the sink and said, “dammit!” but he didn’t mean it. he was kind of scared, because we don’t have a lot of money or anything and there’s a lot to do anyway in the next few months. but mostly he was excited. he couldn’t wait to start telling people. unfortunately, his dad took forever to wake up. so we told no-chan who woke up first. she was so happy! then we told dad, who was still half asleep, but also happy. and i called my dad and sister, but they were out bowling, so i had to wait some more before i could tell them. sohei wanted to tell everybody, but i told him i wanted to wait until the first trimester was over. which was kind of frustrating to him, and he did tell his professor/boss. but anyway, that’s the story. we went to villarta’s that night to celebrate. and everyone had drinks except me.

it’s been kind of a surprise to see how sohei’s dealt with all this so far. he’s not an emotional or particularly romantic guy, but he’s been so, so nice. the other day he got me xbox points for no apparent reason. and he does pretty much everything around the house. i’m relieved to see how he’s taking becoming a daddy.

so tomorrow is that magical day. not the last day of my first trimester, unfortunately, but close enough. apparently week 12 is when it’s generally accepted as okay to spill the beans, because your baby probably won’t die. probably. so i’m going to throw caution to the wind and tell everyone. i was going to wait until after my screening test, in case there was something really wrong with the baby and we’d have to terminate the pregnancy. but the doctor seems to think i have nothing to worry about, so whatever. and if something does happen, i’ll just tell everyone it was a late miscarriage or something. i don’t think i can wait another month. also, i’ve already told a few people, so i might as well tell the world. i’ll let sohei tell people, too, which i know will make him happy, as he’s been wanting to from the start.

also, i’ve been bored at work, so i started looking into schools and daycares back home. yeah, i’m that nuts. i’m not too wild about anything i saw, though, so i’m hoping that when proto-joey reaches the point where it’s relevant, there’ll be something i like. frankly, i’d be okay with staying home with her and homeschooling her until she’s ready to graduate, but whatevs. the other pregnant lady at work was talking about pregnancy/baby stuff, and it’s kind of neat having someone else to chat with about it. even though we’ve never been particularly friendly or anything. but i can tell she’s being nicer to me, and kind of wants someone to commiserate with. so that’s cool. i never really thought i’d be pregnant along with anyone i knew, because none of the people i work with seemed likely to have kids right now. and all my friends here are pretty much guys. she’s a couple months ahead of me, so i get kind of a sneak preview of what the next few months are going to be like.

i know that it apparently infuriates some women to hear this (according to some of the pregnancy books i’ve read, anyway), but i really like being pregnant.

in addition to hating my job, i still also hate this dumb hick town. i got pulled over for speeding yesterday. want to know how fast i was going? 35 mph. the cop claimed i was going 45, but i’d seen him before he saw me and automatically checked my speedometer. which was at exactly 35. i was going over the speed limit, yes. by five mph. and that was only because i thought the speed limit was 35. i wasn’t having it and basically told him he was full of shit. i told him that there was no way, in downtown traffic, that i could have reached that speed, especially just after pulling away from a stoplight. he gave me the ticket anyway, the corrupt prick, and made me sit around and wait while he ran my plate to see if there wasn’t something else he could bust me for. there wasn’t, of course. the ticket is for $250, and i have to take the fucking traffic class again. i guess i should be glad he didn’t use my attitude as an excuse to tase or arrest me. (sohei told me that people have been arrested for less at routine traffic stops, apparently.) but i wasn’t about to be all polite with the dumb fuck. thanks to my out of control hormones, everyone’s been hearing exactly what i think lately, and he was no exception. (i don’t think i’ve ever been this mean or nasty without any fear of consequences in my life. aside from when i was a teenager, and even then i wasn’t this much of a bitch.) anyway, i was going the same speed as everyone else. i just got pulled over because i drive a shitty ghetto car, and he probably thought i was black. funny how i never once got pulled over back home, but since i came here, i’ve had three run-ins with the cops. i hate these stupid southern* hick towns with their stupid pig cops. as if i needed another reason to desperately want to return home.

*i know that, geographically, tampa/st. pete is south of tallahassee. however, anyone from florida can tell you that the further south you go in this state, the further “north” you get. tallahassee, culturally, is actually the ass-end of georgia. whereas south florida – further south than tampa – is so full of northerners that it’s basically an extension of new york.

i fucking hate my job. i hate where i work so fucking much that i wish i could go to each and every person who has made the last month of my life a living hell and tell them to fuck off and just leave and never come back. words cannot express how much i hate it here and how evil these fucking pieces of shit are. the supervisors, administration, and hr are stupid, thoughtless fucks and i swear to god if i have to deal with any of them anymore, i’m going to fucking strangle them with my bare hands. i wish i could quit. i wish i could walk out the goddamn door right now. i hate this place so, so fucking much.

this is one of the things i’m really looking forward to about having a kid. i bet we’ll have the best conversations.

the appointment went pretty well yesterday. sohei and the doctor saw the heartbeat. i couldn’t make it out, but took their word for it. the blood results were good, except for the glucose one, of course. i’ll be spending 4-5 hours at the lab on friday to take the follow-up test. the doctor didn’t seem concerned about my blood sugar or what it might have done to the baby, so i won’t be doing the birth defect screening until between 15-20 weeks. the only other kind of bad finding is that i’m not immune to chicken pox. now, see, this is yet another thing that should have come up during that preconception visit, but somehow didn’t. so instead of getting the chicken pox vaccine when i got my tetanus booster, like i should have, i am now completely vulnerable to it. hopefully i won’t be around anyone who has it, as it can cause some pretty serious harm to the baby. still, out of the long list of things on that paper that i could have had, i reckon it could have been worse. i tested negative for cystic fibrosis, thalassaemia, and all the ashkenazi jewish diseases. (some of my family were eastern european jews, so we decided to go ahead and test for those.) oh, and stds and hiv as well. but i kind of figured i’d do fine on that.

so, once again, my panic has abated for the time being. i doubt the doctor would say things are fine if they’re not. i’m still dealing with work crap, but the doctor is going to fax over yet another note, so we’ll see how that goes. at least proto-joey’s alive, and that’s all i really care about for now.

[edit:] i also forgot to mention that, despite my awful new eating habits, i didn’t gain an ounce.

okay, i know i’m writing way too much today, but this is apparently what doctor appointment days are going to be like. my mind is all racing and stuff, you know?

anyway, i was just thinking about how, before i got pregnant, i had all these grandiose ideas about how i wanted the birth to go. i wanted to do it at home, to start with. sohei vetoed that idea, as he’s certain i’m going to die in childbirth, and he’ll feel a lot less worried if we’re at least in a hospital. alrighty. so then i figured i was at least going to do it without an epidural or meds or anything. but part of having diabetes, gestational or otherwise, is an increased chance of having a c-section. so i’ve finally decided that i don’t give a damn how the baby gets out of me, as long as she’s healthy and everything. i’m not going to be all depressed because it didn’t go exactly how i would have wanted, which i was pretty sure before that i would have. it seems like the only really important thing is ultimately having the baby itself, safe and sound. so now i’m sure that i don’t care how it gets here. even if they have to cut me open to do it.

i can tell i’m going to be restless today…

so, just randomly, i’m glad to have sohei around. i feel bad because i upset him yesterday about proto-joey. and i know it was irresponsible of me to write about it on the internet, but i was just really distraught. and he was like, “well, if there was something wrong with your kid, would you decide not to love him, and treat him badly?” and he was chiding me for my crap attitude about it. which he was right to do, of course, because it is a crap attitude to have. and he says he loves me even if i’m crazy and stupid, and i totally appreciate that. and when i woke up at 5:00 again this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep, he let me lay on him.

i’m sick of waking up at 5:00 every morning and not being able to get back to sleep. i just lay there for an hour, worrying about proto-joey or stewing about how much i hate my job and want to just call in sick.

which reminds me, i was talking to a friend of the other guy in my department/section (there are two of us and our supervisor), and she said he’s not happy with ki-san, either. which kind of surprised me, because he’s so easy-going. but he hates working with her, too, apparently. so at least now i don’t feel completely crazy. he’s looking for work now, because he’s graduating soon. and so is his friend. and so is m-senpai. (well, he graduated a while ago, but now he hates it here like the rest of us.) we’re all looking to leave. i know i can’t wait until june 25th… it’ll be so funny when the mass exodus happens and they won’t be able to replace anyone due to the hiring freeze. that’s what they get for treating us like shit and not giving any of us better opportunities when we graduate.

[edit:] i love you, proto-joey! lovelovelove proto-joey. obsessed with proto-joey. cannot do work because of proto-joey.

oh dear lord, i hate people like this woman.

i’m going to the doctor today, and hoping to see proto-joey. i keep telling myself that she’ll be fine, and i’ll see her little heart thumping away again. we’re so close to the end of the first trimester now, i can hardly stand it. three months has never taken so long to go by. i’m still afraid my stupid diabetes may have hurt her, but i’ll cross that bridge when i come to it. gahhh i can’t wait to see you, proto-joey!

right before bed last night, I discovered I was spotting again. Which really sucked because I haven’t for a while. So of course I had nightmares about miscarrying all night. One was particularly vivid and has been bothering me all day… I wish this stuff would just stop. Maybe I’ll feel better after my appointment on Tuesday. I want to see her on u/s again. I can’t wait til this trimester is over.

okay, i’m not letting myself read pregnancy message boards anymore. period. i figured, hey, if i make it through the first trimester, surely i won’t have much else to worry about, right? wrong.

so if i manage to make it through the first 14 weeks without a missed miscarriage – which has been my panic du jour for many, er, jours – i still get to freak out about other various and sundry complications. i’m ignoring stuff like eclampsia, because if i drop dead, whatevs. no, instead i keep thinking about the story one woman told about her mother losing her baby one week from term because the umbilical cord had a knot in it. and the recent news story about the sudden increase in sids we’ve been experiencing. and the stories about the increase in babies and toddlers being diagnosed with formerly rare childhood cancers. jesus christ, can you imagine? carrying a baby for nine months only to have it die suddenly in utero or in its crib the first night home? or going for a standard well-baby checkup and learning that your child has an aggressive eye tumor that’s probably already taking up residence in her brain?

sometimes i think that if i did lose this baby, i might not try again. i’m not sure i can handle this. most of the time, i somehow manage to stay calm and rational, and even get excited about being pregnant. then i get to thinking about how my luck sucks about as much as sohei’s, and with our combined awful luck, something bad is bound to happen. and i spend way too much time wondering if proto-joey’s still alive in there, floating and joeying about. so then i just decide to love the hell out of it, because my heart’s going to be broken whether i pretend not to care or not.

as a strongly pro-choice woman, this whole thing has been weird to me. i’d known i was pregnant for less than two weeks when i was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage. at the time, all we’d seen was a little yolk sac and tiny fetal pole. and i figured that if i did lose the pregnancy, it really was just a clump of cells, and i’d be sad, but… well it was just cells. then a week later i went for a follow-up and there was a heartbeat. i knew it was far from viable (and the message boards backed this up. “i saw a heartbeat one week, then the next, the baby was dead!”), but it seemed more like a living thing. then later i heard the heartbeat, and that was it. i was smitten. so, at this stage in the game, even though she isn’t viable and is still more or less a clump of cells, i will be pretty damn devastated if something happens. not as upset as i would be if she were about to be born or was already around, but still really sad. this hasn’t changed my stance on abortion, however. because 1) the issue of viability outside the womb continues to be a sticking point for me and b) if it’s not in my body, it’s none of my business. i can’t even say that i’d be angry at a woman for terminating her pregnancy before true viability, because as much as i attribute proto-joey with being alive, the sad fact is, she’s not really. she’s kind of an appendage or, if i’m being callous, a parasite. it doesn’t mean i don’t love her with foolish abandon, though. but that’s my choice.

now i’m wrestling with whether i want to risk a mountain dew with my late lunch/dinner today. i had my first caffeinated beverage the other day – a small frappuccino – and felt crampy afterward. so i’m thinking the possible guilt won’t be worth it. but damn, i want one so bad. being a mum is hard. [update: i didn't get mountain dew.]

there’s so much wrong with this story, i don’t even know where to begin. i’ll just focus on this:

By limiting annual pay to $500,000 and dishing out additional pay in restricted stock that can’t be cashed in until the government bailout money is paid back, a host of unintended consequences may result, ranging from a brain drain of top talent to a potentially less-generous approach to paying employees at other financial firms.

okay, you know what? the pay cap only applies to those institutions who received bailout funds. so “brain drain” isn’t exactly a new problem to these fucktards. if they had any talent or intelligence to begin with, they wouldn’t need the damn bailout. as a taxpayer who is watching my money get pissed away on corporate welfare, i’m completely okay with the pay cap. in fact, i’d be far more okay with a limit of around $100,000 but then apparently the economy would go into a tailspin as these greedy assholes would all flock to some other banking mecca. oh wait, there isn’t one. and even if there were, who in their right mind would hire these people? and as far as less generous pay at other firms, cry me a fucking river.

“One risk of the plan is putting the survival of firms at risk by handcuffing their ability to pay top performers,” says compensation consultant Alan Johnson. Some fear executives at banks who take TARP money will go to banks with no pay restrictions.

“The unintended consequence is you end up killing the institution you tried to save,” says Johnson. “You drive away the good people.”

top performers? i guess it’s a matter of perspective. they just don’t suck quite as much as everyone else in that office. still, i don’t think people at these institutions are paid according to how well they do their jobs. the guys at the top of the ladder – you know, the ones who fucked everything up in the first place – are the ones who get paid insane amounts, and are the ones who will probably be hit hardest by the pay cap. these places are fucked anyway, and would already be dead if it weren’t for the bailout. they killed themselves.

thank. you.

gah, i can’t stop thinking about proto-joey today. it seems like i’m so close to that magical 12 week mark. and i know anything can happen in two weeks and that anything can happen even beyond those two weeks. and that after i’m through my first trimester, i’ll spend the rest of my pregnancy fretting about wanting to just meet proto-joey already. which i do now, but i’m trying not to count my chickens, you know? but i can’t help but be excited. thanks to not having to deal with the nastier symptoms of pregnancy (getting up to pee every hour sucks, because i need to sleep, but you know), i’m actually enjoying it. and i still get excited every time i realize that i’m growing a whole person. i used to get psyched when i’d plant seeds in milk cartons in grade school and watch them sprout, and this is like that on a grander scale. i know i sound like a nut, but it’s just really thrilling. i get to help produce and grow the person i’m probably going to love most in the whole world. (next to sohei, of course.)

i’m clearly under the sway of some really powerful hormones… and sleep-deprivation…

i’m beginning to experience some of the fallout that comes from being greedy slug kangor, in that i’m outgrowing my favorite pair of jeans. in a week, i’ll be finding out exactly how much damage i’ve done. and the knowledge that proto-joey only accounts for about an ounce of it isn’t helping. it’s not that i’ll be flipping out about weight gain all of a sudden, when i haven’t really cared much for the past couple of years or so. it’s that i know the doctor will probably be flipping out about the weight gain, since she warned me at my first appointment that i should only gain about 15-20 pounds total. or the baby would be huge and i’d be endangering it or something. i can deal with being fatter. but i’d feel pretty bad if i’m hurting proto-joey. i guess if it turns out i’ve been gaining too much (i’m betting i’ve probably gained at least five pounds in the past month), i’ll have to start eating less crap. chances are, i failed the glucose test, and will probably be forced onto a diabetic diet for the duration anyway. we’ll see, i guess.

sohei seems to be enjoying the even plumper kangor, at least. i was a d or dd when this whole thing started, and i’m up to ddd now. which i don’t particularly care for, as my back was killing me to start with. but sohei’s digging the whole boobs, butt, and belly thing. i had those in spades from the get-go, but now i’m starting to resemble a certain fertility statue. whatevs. at least i don’t have to worry about feeling hideous. (i think a lot of the groping has to do with the pelvic rest i’ve been on for the past month or so, though.)