i finally got something done about work yesterday, though i still have more to do before it’s all over. what a freaking pain. sohei told me this morning about a bill that will hopefully pass, which allows for better benefits and stuff if you get fired or laid off. of particular interest to me was the fact that the government will pay around 80% of your cobra (insurance) costs. if this bill gets passed, i’m going to try to get fired.

in other news, i’m getting a little nervous about how attached i’m getting to proto-joey. i know i have an increased chance of miscarriage, and that proto-joey is far from independent viability, but i can’t help but love the little fetus. (apparently she graduated from embryo to fetus this week. and i keep calling proto-joey “she” because that’s the gender i always default to when being neutral, like when i write papers and stuff.) anyway, i’ve been doing stupid stuff like singing shine to it in the shower (i’ve been singing a lot since i found out to begin with). sometimes i talk to it. not long conversations or anything, but just asking how it is or what it wants to eat.

apparently, eating is one of proto-joey’s favorite things. here’s how my afternoons go when i get home: 1) walk in the door and pay attention to the love-starved animals, 2) go to the kitchen and make a hot dog or two (cheese-filled, of course), open a can of fruit, pour a glass of juice, and take it all upstairs to bed 3) eat the hot dog(s), the can of fruit, wash it down with the juice and sleep until around 6 or 7, then 4) wake up feeling kind of nauseous and eat dinner, which somehow makes me feel not nauseous. sohei has taken to calling me kangor because of my eating, sleeping, and moodiness. (kangor and proto-joey stem from his pet name for me, kangaroo.)

kangor was in fine fettle this morning. i was pissy, which i blame less on hormones and more on the fact that i hate my job. but it was kind of hormonally-tinged, and i found an old receipt in my hoodie pocket, and hurled it away. but, being paper, it kind of hung in the air for a second before falling pathetically to the ground. which was, of course, pretty anti-climactic and sohei started laughing at me. and it was pretty funny, so i was kind of laughing, too. but i didn’t want to be laughed at, so i punched him really hard in the arm. no laugh at kangor!

anyway, so despite getting sick (not morning sick but regular sick), i don’t think i’m losing weight this time. because, you know, i’m eating like crazy. i don’t think i’ve ever eaten like this in my life. before i got pregnant, i’d usually have a small snack when i got home, then dinner around 8:00, and that was it. i didn’t eat at work at all. now i snack at work, work through lunch, and go home an hour early every day to binge and sleep. wow, that sounds a lot like depression. except that i’m not depressed, i swear. aside from stress at work, i’m really happy. my marriage is going really well right now, and i’m over-excited about proto-joey. i just happen to be a greedy slug right now is all.

okay, so here’s what’s going on at work:

when i do anything too strenuous, i start cramping. about half the time, being on the desk is too strenuous, because i’m up and down the whole time, carrying laptops and stacks of books, etc. the friday before last, the cramping got pretty bad and i had to go home early. despite explaining the situation to my supervisor and t-sensei, i’ve been kept on the desk. when i told t-sensei (who is in charge of the desk) that even if he couldn’t – for some reason – give me less time at the desk, to at least stop adding time, he told me to get a doctor’s note. so i did. the doctor’s office faxed it over, and both k-san and t-sensei got a copy. after yet more waiting, i was told that the note, stating that i can’t lift anything over ten pounds or be on my feet too much, wasn’t good enough and i’d have to jump through yet more hoops. so, eventually, i met with the library’s hr, who told me i’d have to do fmla (again) for the absences and that i couldn’t do ada because the condition is temporary. she would look into what i should do next. so i waited and waited some more. finally, i was told to go see university hr, and went that afternoon. there, i was told that i had to fill out yet more crap and wait some more, and maybe i’d be given some sort of accommodation. in the meantime, i’m still doing desk time, and have been assigned a security round. (the security round entails walking the entire seven floors of the library, including every flight of stairs.) i was supposed to meet with the assistant director yesterday about being reassigned, but she never got back to me. i might get to meet with her this afternoon, but i’m not holding my breath.

so finally, this morning, i sat down to write an email to my coworkers, in the hopes that maybe someone would have some fucking compassion and maybe take a couple of my desk shifts and the security round. i’d been thinking about it since yesterday, and it seems to be my only option at this point. but first i talked to mi-kun, who suggested going to the union. i wanted to give hr one last chance before contacting the union or spilling the beans to my coworkers, so i went to see her. i asked if there wasn’t anything else we could do, and she said she’d arrange a meeting for me with the assistant director this afternoon, but that was about it. i asked about contacting the union, and she said i could, but that if i don’t pay dues (which i don’t, because i wasn’t aware we were supposed to), they might not help me. also, that was a lengthy process and nothing would get done any faster that way. so i finally just broke down and said i was sick of doing everything i was told and trying to compromise and getting absolutely nothing in return. no one was helping me and i’m fed up with putting my baby at risk so no one would have to be inconvenienced somehow. i told her that if nothing got accomplished at my meeting this afternoon, i was going to be forced to stop cooperating and quit doing my assigned desk times, because the baby is more important to me than getting disciplined.

at this point, i’m fucking fed up. i have jumped through every hoop and done every single thing they’ve asked me to do. i have been under more stress and strain than anyone in my condition should ever have to be put through. if things don’t get fixed today, i’m going to have to hope that my coworkers have more goddamn compassion than the people i’ve been dealing with so far. if not, i’m just going to say fuck it and not show up for the desk or security rounds for the next month or so, or until my doctor says otherwise. i am done putting my baby at risk for these fucking assholes.

i really hate my job right now. but listening to windermere is making me feel a little less stabby. i’m going to have to buy their album. (i’ll fill you in on the latest work joy when it reaches its sure to be shit conclusion.)

some nice things sohei’s done in the past couple of days:

-went out into the freezing cold to start my car and get the heater going
-cleaned the first floor of our house (including the kitchen, thank god)
-reads me final crisis every night
-cooks dinner most nights
-took me to the comic store and lunch
-is being very good about my absolute shit mood (i snapped at the cashier at burger king today. i’ve never done anything like that before. but stuff like that’s becoming more common…)

i feel like i should have more to say about the fact that we have a new president and i finally feel like maybe this country’s got a shot. but i can’t think of anything that hasn’t already been said a thousand times, and far better, so i’ll just direct you back to this post i wrote upon his victory.

i will say that, if this whole baby thing works out, i’m really glad my kid will be born during the obama administration, having narrowly avoided the bush debacle.

i spent the afternoon adding stuff to a couple of baby registries online. and, honestly, i have no idea what i actually need. there’s a list in my baby planner that i’m going by, but… it’s kind of scary realizing that i have no idea how to actually take care of a baby. the other day, we were looking at the baby aisle at the grocery store, to price things like baby food and stuff. and it dawned on me that i’m completely unaware of when you start feeding babies actual food rather than just breast feeding or whatever. i was 4 when my sister was born, and can’t remember much about how mum took care of her. thankfully, sohei was 10 when his parents started having other kids, so he remembers more than i do. honestly, though, i’m freaking clueless. i don’t know how many or what kinds of outfits a baby needs. onesies seem popular, but i just look at them and think, how on earth do you get a wiggling infant into those things? once the first trimester is over, it may be time to start reading up on this stuff.

man, i wish mum were still around. i want so badly to talk to her about everything that’s going on. i’d always kind of associated certain things with pregnancy, like morning sickness and stuff. it wasn’t until i started reading all these books on it that i realized there’s a lot more to it than that. even then, i figured a lot of it didn’t sound that bad. how bad can breasts hurt? it turns out, they can hurt pretty bad. also, i’m rather sure that i’m up to a ddd now, and while underwires are murder, i’m not sure you can get a bra in that size without one. also, would you want to? still, it seems that they hurt most at night, so i guess i’m lucky in that regard. the symptom that is really bugging the crap out of me is the constant peeing. it seems every time i finally get comfortable or get started on something, i have to get up five minutes later to pee. again. and at work it sucks because the only clean bathroom is two floors down. but i know that the minute i feel like i have to go, i’d better go do it, because i can’t risk yet another urinary infection. because the only antibiotic that even works anymore is cipro and it’s risky or whatever. i’m always kind of sleepy, so the exhaustion has been more of a nuisance than anything. besides, now i have an excuse to sleep constantly. it’s hard getting through an entire work day sometimes, though.

i will say that i am incredibly thankful that i haven’t had much in the way of morning sickness. i get queasy sometimes, and there have been a couple of times i thought i might get sick, but no actual barfing yet. i kind of figured it wouldn’t plague me too badly because my mum didn’t get sick with either of us, apparently. the worst is probably in the evening if i haven’t had enough to eat all day. sometimes i just feel nauseous no matter what. but the worst is when i’m trying to cook dinner. i made stroganoff last night, and the smell of the mushrooms about did me in. since morning sickness sounds like it’s about the worst symptom, though, i could have it a lot worse. besides, it’s a good excuse not to have to make dinner. “yeah, bear, can you cook tonight? see, i don’t want to hurl all over our meal.”

and i have to say that sohei has been fantastic. he rubs my back, cooks, cleans, takes me to appointments… yesterday, i had my first real craving. i kind of thought that whole thing was bs, because i get “cravings” for things on occasion, but mostly it consists of kind of wanting something, and if i can’t have it, whatevs. not yesterday. i suddenly wanted a mcdonalds fudge sundae and i wanted it bad. the only thing i can compare it to is when i’m severely stressed out and having a nic fit and i need a cigarette now. i have never felt that sort of need regarding food before. so i texted sohei while he was in class and told him to call me. i do this now and then when i’m not sure when he’ll be out of class and i need to ask him about something, and he calls me when he gets out. not this time. he texted back immediately, wanting to know what was up. and i texted back and told him to just call after class. so he stepped out of class a bit later and called me! he wanted to know if anything was wrong. and i said there wasn’t, and to get back to class and finish watching the film, then call me when class was out. so he called after class, and i told him i really wanted a sundae, so he went and got me one on the way home. then, later that evening, i was getting ready to take a shower, so the fan was on in the bathroom. and he came to the door and asked if i was crying. (i think i’d been blowing my nose, which i’ve been doing a lot lately, which i guess is another pregnancy symptom.) and i said i wasn’t. and after i got out, i sat down with him and said that this pregnancy is kind of bumpy, but that he can’t worry all the time. that things were going better, and he had to try to stay calm. but he is worried about me and the baby. i’m very impressed with how he’s been since this whole thing started.

okay, i am so freaking confused. depending on the source, i am either 6, 7, or 8 weeks pregnant. i guess i’ll just go with 7?

so i went to the doctor yesterday for more poking and prodding. i have to say, she’s nice enough, but her bedside manner could use some work. when i was explaining to her about the bactrim, she not only didn’t reassure me like the other doctors, but pointed out the cipro could have been dangerous as well. because, you know, i needed something else to worry about. she also found a lump on my left breast and couldn’t tell if it was a cyst or what (which i get all the time), and said i’d need an ultrasound. but she didn’t ultrasound it when she was doing the other ultrasound, and didn’t give me any kind of follow-up information on what to do about it. i refuse to worry about that, though, because i’m pretty sure it’s just another cyst. i’m supposed to go to a lab and get some bloodwork done at some point before my next appointment in a month. overall, i wasn’t terribly impressed, but i’m not actually giving birth here (thank god), so i’ll just stick with this practice until we move, i guess.

the good news is that we saw a heartbeat. sohei saw it before i did, but it was there. i think it made the whole thing seem more real to me or something. it’s weird – and kind of exciting – to think that there’s something actually living in there. unfortunately, she couldn’t date the pregnancy, and didn’t want to bother with a blood test, so i’m still unsure on that front. i’m just going to go by lmp, i guess. which means i’m at eight weeks today. i won’t find out the gender until around week 20, apparently. unless maybe i have amnio or something. boo. sohei apparently doesn’t like the name “ben” so i hope it’s a girl. otherwise, we’ll never agree on a name.

why won’t it be 2:00 already? i’m leaving at 2:00, going home to pick up sohei and some stuff i forgot, then going to the doctor. i want to see my bean! i gots to know! though i did read that in some cases, the heartbeat doesn’t even show up until the first trimester is almost over. i don’t think i can stand that. i guess we’ll have to rely on hcg levels or something. but since the er doc didn’t actually tell me what that level was, i have a feeling i won’t be finding out anything about that until the doctor’s office gets my records from the hospital. unless the level is just ridiculously low. whatevs.

look, if things go alright today, and a heartbeat is seen, i promise i will try to stop worrying so much. you know, worrying that the heartbeat was there, but the baby’s since died, etc. because i’m thinking, if all goes well today, i won’t be having another ultrasound until whenever normal people get theirs. like around week 12-14 or something. argggg the wait is killing me!

okay, you know what? fuck this. i’m just going to be happy. everyone thinks i’m crazy for being all cautious or whatever, because they’re apparently not aware that good things do not happen to me. so i will keep on getting excited about finally (finally!) having a baby. until tragedy inevitably strikes.

in other news, mi-kun asked me to come outside for a smoke break, so i told him. out of all my friends, he’s the only one i trust not to blab to anyone. (before i told him, i made him swear not to tell, and he just rolled his eyes and said, “yeah, you know how i’m always telling people everything anyway.”) also, if something bad happens, i won’t feel all weird telling him about it, because he’ll react in an alright way. and my new nerd friend (plays magic and other assorted games, loves zombies, freezepop fan, etc.), f-kun, invited me to join him and some other guys in beating each other with fake swords on sunday. and i didn’t go for obvious reasons, but i want to so badly. so i saw him today and said i was sorry i couldn’t go and he said the weather was crap so only a couple other people showed up anyway. and said they’re getting together again on sunday. and i was really tempted to just explain why i’d love to beat on people but can’t, and decided that maybe i’ll tell him if things check out tomorrow. seriously, though, i should be okay as long as i’m not crampy and bleeding and i don’t get hit in the stomach, right? who am i kidding? i will never cease to be crampy…

i will be so glad when the first trimester is over. i’m sick of the cramping and spotting and worrying. i’m also sick of wondering why things can’t ever just go right for me. it’s not like i expect pregnancy to be easy or painless, but can’t i at least be allowed to feel excited and happy that it might actually be viable for more than a couple of hours at a time? basically, my days go like this: cramp > spot > worry > cramping and spotting lessen or disappear > cautious optimism > (if i go long enough without symptoms) excitement > more cramping and spotting. at least i find out tomorrow whether there’s a heartbeat. if so, i’m apparently 95% in the clear. i’ll take what i can get.

part of what sucks about this is that i’m beginning to feel like a lot of this was for naught. sohei tries to help me feel optimistic, but it’s hard. i’m more than happy to give up smoking, caffeine (oh mountain dew and frappuccinos, how i miss you), cold cut sandwiches (damn you, listeria), and chocolatinis for a healthy pregnancy. (okay, i’m a tiny bit sad about those things.) i’d give up sleep or having a restful vacation. i’d even give up 13 hours of my life to sit around in a hospital. but the possibility that i’m cranky and exhausted and uncomfortable and deprived of some of my favorite things just kind of stings when it feels like i might not get to have a baby when all is said and done. this is probably coming across as incredibly petty, but i don’t care. i just want things to fucking go right for once. i’m sick of having to keep my guard up all the time to keep from getting hurt. if i could choose something in my life to just go right, just this once, i’m pretty sure this would be it. jesus christ, universe, give my kid a break, okay?

now i know why the er doc’s dating of my pregnancy bugged me. there’s no way i could have conceived at the time she said, because i had a uti that entire week. which means no sex. which means i think my pregnancy is going like this. (reference the ivf #1 posts). all that was seen on my ultrasound was a gestational sac that was dated a week behind what it should have been. which is also nerve-wracking, considering that my cramping started feeling slightly stabby last night. i’ll keep my appointment with the ob-gyn for next tuesday, but i sure don’t have high hopes. in fact, i’m starting to feel really fucking crushed right now.

[edit] after doing a lot of calculating – because lord knows i’m not spending my time at work, working – there is a miniscule chance that things could still be okay if the er doctor’s calculations were right. though that would mean i ovulated a week late, and my husband produces some incredibly hardy gametes.

[edit x 2] sohei has talked me down to the best of his ability, and now i am fully willing to believe that i did, indeed, get pregnant during that very small and somewhat unlikely window of time. all i can say is, it’s a good thing i wasn’t really trying, or i’d have missed the ovulation boat entirely. also, i’ll try to stop thinking about any of this until my appointment on tuesday. (not likely, but i’ll try.)

an argument i had with my mum once just came back to me as i read something semi-related. and i remembered how mad i got, and i even got angry now, just thinking about it. and then i felt horrible because she’s gone, and what we argued about doesn’t matter anymore. sometimes, especially now that i’m thinking about how i’m going to deal with my own kid, i remember some of the things she used to do that really messed me up. and i feel bad about even thinking about that stuff. because, ultimately, i would put up with the mean remarks and the arguments we’d inevitably still have, if she would just be here. and realizing that i’m angry with my dead mother just makes me want to cry.

I know it was kind of crap to lay that sort of information on everybody then disappear. When I’m in Odessa, I seldom use the internet, but I’ve been back since the 30th, so there’s not much excuse. Part of it is that I don’t want this blog to become all baby all the time, but the thing is, that’s what’s been on my mind constantly for the better part of the last few weeks. And I can’t bring myself to blog on the baby blog, because I want it to be mostly positive, but things haven’t been wholly positive.

The pregnancy began with cramping. And it hasn’t really stopped. In fact, it got a bit worse. Then I started spotting, and the pain moved over to the right. I was pretty sure that this could turn out to be ectopic, so – after failing to get an appointment with any of the four ob practices in town – I went to the er yesterday. I was there from 1 pm to 2 am. That’s 13 hours, eight of them spent in the waiting room. I literally started crying by the seventh hour, because I was sure that I would never be called back. But I was, eventually, and the poking and prodding began. There was the pelvic exam, then the blood draw and i.v. insertion. After that, I couldn’t hold it anymore (my bladder was supposed to be full for the ultrasound) so I did my urine test. Then I drank half a bottle of orange soda before I was told to stop because I might need surgery and can’t drink anything. Then came the ultrasound (both kinds) on full then empty bladder. Halfway through the “empty” bladder portion, I seriously thought I was going to have an accident, so we had to stop so I could go again. Sigh.

Long story short, after five hours of tests and waiting (after the eight hours of waiting room torture), the doctor came in and said it wasn’t ectopic. My uterus just tilts to the right. No cysts or anything either. Just a weird layout. (nothing about me is normal, clearly.) she said everything seems to be fine, but that I’m actually five weeks, six days along (six weeks today, I guess) rather than the six weeks, five days I thought I was. (my ovulation apparently isn’t normal, either.) anyway, everything seemed fine, but she sent me home with documents about spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) just in case. Because, you know, cramping and spotting isn’t exactly a great thing to be doing while pregnant, and I should be prepared for the worst.

I’m actually not as worried now. I will be really sad if I miscarry, but I can deal with it. What I can’t deal with is having a part of my innards rupture, rendering me infertile and possibly dead. So now that I know that’s no longer an issue, I’m not afraid. I was worried for weeks about that bactrim I took, but everyone keeps saying it should be okay. That it was too early to do damage. If the doctor’s new estimate of how far I’m along is correct, I know I don’t really have anything to worry about. It wouldn’t have implanted if something were wrong due to the medicine. The only thing still nagging at the back of my mind is that maybe I’m right, and I am almost seven weeks along, but it only appears to be about six weeks (including no discernible heart beat) because it’s not viable and I’ll end up miscarrying anyway. But it’s not enough to wake me in a panic like the bactrim and ectopic issues. I’ll find out a week from today if everything’s alright, because I’ll be getting another ultrasound then. If there’s still no growth or heartbeat, and the pregnancy hormone levels are unchanged, then it’s pretty obvious what’s going on.

So that’s what I’ve been up to lately. I’ll write more about some of it later, probably, because I’m thinking that having two blogs isn’t going to work out so well.