it’s the best time of year. i have a four day weekend ahead for thanksgiving, then less than a month until my week and a half christmas break. and i really freaking need it. and this will be the first thanksgiving in i don’t know how long that i won’t have to do schoolwork. unfortunately, i do have to start getting the house ready to sell and will be doing some cleaning and packing, but at least there’s not the cloud of stress hanging overhead the entire time that i have something due afterward. no-chan emailed me to ask about christmas. i can’t wait to go back to the lake house. it’s been too long.
this station keeps playing the same songs. i like them, but they’re the same.
sohei’s semester is almost done. only one more before we head back home. i’m so, so happy. i can’t wait to be back in my beloved st. pete house.
i guess i should get back to work. i have to go to lunch a little early today thanks to the stupid sexual harassment thing i have this afternoon. like watching a film is going to stop me from groping people and hitting on them.
does everyone’s job go to hell within the first year or is it just me? seriously, is it me? i have never, ever had a job that didn’t start to suck within one year of my being there. layoffs, new and stupid policies, etc…
i hate it here. i used to love my job so much, but now i hate it. i hate how i’m treated, i hate how my coworkers are treated, i hate how the homeless and other harmless patrons are treated. and now i’m fucking depressed because i know that nothing will ever stay good. this job meant so much to me because it showed me that no matter how bad things were in other areas of my life, at least it was possible to have a job that i loved. i don’t think such a thing exists, though. not for me, anyway.
stolen from james.
1. Where is your cell phone?
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
3. Your hair?
4. Your work?
5. Your father?
6. Your favorite thing?
7. Your dream last night?
8. Your favorite drink?
9. Your dream car?
10. The room youâ€™re in?
11. Your pet(s)?
12. Your fears?
13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
14. Where did you hang out yesterday?
15. What are you not good at?
16. Eyebrow rings on the opposite sex?
17. One of your wish list items?
18. Where you grew up?
19. The last thing you did?
20. What are you wearing?
21. What arenâ€™t you wearing?
22. Do you currently like someone?
23. Your computer?
24. Your life?
25. Your mood?
27. What are you thinking about right now?
28. Your summer?
29. Your relationship status?
30. Your favorite color?
31. When is the last time you laughed?
32. Last time you cried?
34. Your last kiss?
35. Your mom?
“The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.
Which ever way you turn you feel that you are being utterly thwarted. There is considerable conflict in the air but you will stick to your beliefs and not be deterred in endeavouring to attain your objectives.
All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high – but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.
Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don’t want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something – something that’s precious, something that could be the ‘Real Thing’. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don’t know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don’t care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.
You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself… all is possible to him who believes.”
i posted a link to this the first time the diarist presented it, but it still strikes a chord with me.
i haven’t really said much about the work situation because it’s such a bummer. first they decided on a total non-response, and now they’ve gone way overboard. people who have been working here for a long time are saying they don’t recognize this place. a lot of people are looking for work elsewhere. we have at least one meeting a week on crime or security or whatever. we have to be on constant alert, which is stressful and killing morale. we’re required to do sweeps of the entire building every hour on the hour. i did my first one yesterday with t-sensei and it took a freakin’ hour. it’ll take less time as we have to rely on the instructions/checklist less, but damn. the homeless are all being escorted out into the record-low cold by the campus police every day. (because, you know, it was totally a homeless guy who raped that poor girl. oh wait, it wasn’t.) we’re also instituting a policy of checking people’s i.d.s at the door. this is the stupidest idea of all. we’re going to have to hire people just to do that. and what really pisses me off is that when we needed to replace staff to ease the workload around here, we “didn’t have the funds.” didn’t have them for raises, either. but we suddenly found the money to hire people to stand at the door and piss everyone off? i hate this place now. the administration is a fucking joke.
the only good thing about this job anymore are some of my coworkers. and a lot of them are looking to leave. i’ll be gone in six months, so i’m not really looking for anything. and i can’t blame them for wanting to leave, but it sucks. selfishly, i’m hoping mi-kun puts off leaving for a while, since i finally found someone to game with. i stayed a while after work yesterday and he gave me some advice about my deck. he’s going to try to fix it when he has time.
anyway, i just keep reminding myself that it won’t be long before i’m back home. i’ll have to start the job hunt all over again, of course, and the job i get will likely become something i hate before the first year is up. but i’ll just take it one day at a time.
i realized yesterday that i never have any time to myself to just think anymore. i’m glad that my work schedule is such that i can spend as much time with sohei as possible, but it leaves me with very little “me time.” i figured this out yesterday, when i was taking my lunch in the subbasement – as usual – and was only interrupted once. (i usually get interrupted a lot more than that.) i enjoyed the unexpected solitude so much, i stayed there another hour, until i had to go upstairs for my desk shift. this gave me some time to work out some things that have been kind of weighing on me, and even some things that hadn’t particularly occurred to me.
for one thing, i realized that something that bothers me in life, in general, is my ineffectualness. i want to do things like join the peace corps or be one of those greenpeace whaleboat people. but a) i’m so sick all the time i can barely make it through a day of my desk job and b) i’m married and want to start a family, etc. reason a is really enough in and of itself. even if i didn’t have a husband or whatever, i can’t do things like trek through potentially dangerous places or spend time at sea fighting whalers. stupid as it sounds, this is a big source of disappointment in my life. i think this is one of the reasons i want to move to new places all the time and have adventures. (i also realized a lot of it has to do with my dad, but i’ll get to that at another time.)
there was more, and i was tempted to blog about it yesterday while still epiphany-high, but i didn’t have time. so the moment’s kind of gone…
while trying to
i went to a friend’s show last night and it was awesome. the first band pretty much sucked, and the second one was okay. but the third one, american devils, was awesome. my friend’s band, stronghold, was on last. they were hardcore. and damn, but he could play guitar. i got to meet his girlfriend, too, and she was really sweet. i’m getting old, though, because by 1 am, i was beat. but we stayed until the show was over, and got home after 2:00. it was pretty fun, and i might go next time he plays. especially since no one else from work showed up. jerks.
uhhhhhhhhh. so. restless. want cigarette. want to cuddle. uhngggg.
i love this weather at home. i hate it at work.
this was taken on my way to work this morning. it didn’t actually start pissing down rain until i was forced to wait at the gate to the parking lot, because the moron in front of me just sat there for about five minutes, and i couldn’t reverse because there was someone right behind me. by the time i had to roll the window down to use my gate card, it was pouring. then i had to walk to the building in it. my clothes are soaked, including my shoes, and will be for half the day. i’m pretty sure i could’ve parked and got to the front doors before it started raining, if that fucktard hadn’t just sat there with his thumb up his ass. i’m going to go key his car when it stops raining.
i forgot to mention this the other day, but it’s hilarious, so i have to. on saturday, sohei and i pulled into the driveway after a trip to the grocery store and safety dance came on. and, because the power of the 80’s compelled him, he cranked up the radio and tried to safety dance around our obama yard sign. i was on my way to join him when a) he almost tripped backwards over the sign and b) i stepped in an ant hill. after stealing a quip from frye that the safety dance isn’t actually very safe at all, we fixed the sign and dragged our uncoordinated selves into the house.
i found out this morning that one of our student workers was raped up on the 4th floor. that poor girl. i’m both saddened and angry. one of the reasons i’m angry is that no one has done anything to warn anybody about what happened. i only found out this morning because one of my coworkers told me, in hushed, excited tones about the whole thing. one of the student workers asked me to come downstairs with her earlier, because she wisely wants to employ the buddy system. i just spent the past hour kvetching to sohei about it, so i’m suffering from rage fatigue on that subject. there’s a student meeting about it this afternoon, and if any of the students i speak to afterward are still upset or uncomfortable, or if i feel it’s not being handled properly, i’m going to do something about it. i stood by and said nothing when they exposed us all to asbestos without warning. i didn’t say anything when we were all exposed to noxious chemicals all summer while they did construction downstairs. i’m through doing nothing. if they don’t start treating us the way we deserve to be treated, i’m going to the union with it. i’ll be out doing election stuff until wednesday, so they have until thursday to do right by us. actually, whether they take appropriate action on the rape issue or not, i’ll still be contacting the union. and if the union won’t do something, i’ll be writing editorials and calling anyone i have to. this was the last straw.
ever since i decided i wanted to be a librarian, i wanted to go into academic librarianship. but now i don’t. we spend all our time harassing the homeless that come in here and making it stupidly difficult for anyone to do much of anything. i got into this to help, and all we do is hinder. i’ve advocated on behalf of the homeless and people wanting to use the ada room without proper i.d. i’ve even advocated for the people watching porn on our computers, because as long as they’re not hurting anyone or whipping it out, what the fuck does it matter? 1st amendment, anyone? i’m sick of being ignored and treated like some kind of troublemaker. the fact is, this is a goddamn public institution, and we should have to play by the rules. if we’re open to the public, we’re here to serve the public, whether they’re homeless people or porn addicts or handicapped people who don’t have a school i.d.
i’m sick of being part of a system that yells at sleeping homeless men for putting their feet on our chairs. i’m tired of having to point out that university policy doesn’t trump the 1st amendment. and you know what? from the description of the rapist, it sure sounded to me like he was a student, not some old homeless guy. and if he’d been after porn, he’d have been on one of the floors with computers.
in the current job market, i’ll take what i can get. but i’ll be looking at public library jobs first.
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