it’s definitely go time.

last night, i went to the dem poll worker training. i’m ready to do the voters’ rights protection thang on election day.

today, i voted. it took two hours, but i did it, and i’m glad.

tomorrow, i go canvassing.

on tuesday, i’m taking the day off work to hang around a polling place from around 7 am to 7 pm at least, rain or shine. no voter shall go disenfranchised on my watch!

and i already bought all the swag and made all the donations i can afford.

i had the foresight to ask for wednesday off, too, in case i end up at the polling place late or stay up all night waiting for the results. i’m hoping the election will be called for obama by midnight, but you never know.

it has to happen this time. this isn’t just about keeping rethugs out of office. it’s about getting obama in. it’s not about the lesser of two evils this year. he’s going to be a great president, and i just wish i could do more to help.

oh my god ithurtsithurtsithurts. i’m trying to detox from my meds, thanks to the prolonged overdosing. my cough is starting to improve, but at what cost? it doesn’t help that i’m having really bad cramps and we’re out of ibuprofen. if i can just suffer through it for the next… five hours?! holy shit, this day is crawling. ugh. okay, in five hours, i’ll be at home and will be taking the ibuprofen that sohei has so kindly gone out to get me. we have to go to training tonight for our voter protection gig, or i’d probably just go to bed. man, i’m tired of feeling this awful…

sorry, i’m calling bullshit on this. basically, grasping at straws, doctors are claiming that the recent increase in kidney stones in young children are a result of salt-heavy diet and obesity. you’re trying to tell me that kids didn’t eat lunch meat and soup and also drank way more water in the 80’s? i don’t think so. they pretty much glossed over the melamine thing in the article, but i think it’s pretty important here. “oh, melamine-induced kidney stones only happen to chinese people.” again, i don’t think so. our government allows a small amount of melamine to be present in our food. that builds up over time.

so if you asked me what the difference is in diet between the 80s and today, i’d have to say additives. shit, when i was a kid, everyone ate baloney sandwiches at lunch every day. and with the advent of bottled water, i’m betting kids today probably drink more water than we did when we were kids. melamine aside, there’s a lot of scary stuff in our food and even in the bottles people are drinking their water out of. anyway, this fat kid never had any trouble with kidney stones. nor any of the other fat kids in my class. i’m getting tired of people ignoring why we’re looking at more sick children than ever before. maybe it’s because it’s a problem that would be too hard to fix. maybe it’s too scary to think that we’re consuming poison every day. but blaming it on the wrong things isn’t helping anyone, and blaming everything on teh fat is just further stigmatizing people who don’t deserve it.

i didn’t sleep last night. wait, i tell a lie. i slept for about ten minutes or so total. i went to bed, wasn’t feeling particularly tired despite being exhausted when i got home. (nope, didn’t take a nap.) i eventually fell asleep around 1:00 when sohei woke me about five minutes later hollering that i’d pinched him. i’ll take his word for it, but, regardless, it shocked me awake and i couldn’t settle back down. by around 2:00, i decided maybe reading would help, so i put my cute bedside lamp on and proceeded to read watchmen for a couple hours. sohei woke up at 4-ish and i explained that i didn’t think i was going to sleep at all, so maybe if i just stayed awake it would be better. he kindly offered to make me a latte, but then decided he wanted to go back to sleep, and said he’d make me one in the morning. i declined, as coffee – as much as i love it – causes me flare-ups, and i didn’t need one right before i was supposed to go to work. (i accepted the 4:00 latte, as it would give me a couple hours to be sick before i had to leave for the day.) i could tell he wasn’t having an easy time sleeping with me reading, so i went downstairs to watch some house i’d dvr-ed earlier. i got through two episodes and it was about 15 minutes until the alarm would go off. so i put married with children on and dozed off about five minutes before sohei called down to say the alarm went off. i felt like shit, but sohei said he was sick of listening to me complain, so i got ready and left early.

i managed to get here without incident, but i’m not feeling any better. i have the shakes for some reason, and my vision’s all blurry. my guts, of course, are not feeling that great, either. everyone’s going to think i’m on drugs. i’m barely functioning. i’m going to try to get through as much of the day as i can, but i don’t know how long i’m going to last. anyway, the house was freezing last night, and since i’m temporarily without my couch blanket (brumby barfed on it), i think i finally got that damn cold that’s going around. my throat was scratchy yesterday, so i should have guessed, but now i feel kind of feverish and everything. oh well. at least i’m earning that all-important paycheck.

i’m sorry i haven’t fixed the comments issue yet. i’m going to have to get the newest version of wordpress and do a lot of tweaking (which i need to do anyway), but i’m not in a very technical mood lately. i’ve been working on web stuff at work for the past couple of months, and by the time i get home, i don’t even want to think about html or fixing things. it will get fixed, i promise. in the meantime, maybe registering again will help?

in other news, there’s been a bit of an awkward situation with my boss lately. when we were dealing with fmla stuff, she wanted to know what was wrong with me. and i told her i’d rather not talk about it. and when she said, “well, i’m not sure if you have to tell me, but-” and i cut her off and said, “by law, i don’t have to tell you anything. i’d really rather not discuss it. i’ll fill out the paperwork and everything, but this is an hr issue. believe me, you don’t want to know about it anyway.” then she started asking me if i’m okay all the time. so i finally just told her that i’m fine most of the time, and if i’m at work, i must be mostly okay. but i’m really sick sometimes to the point where i can’t eat, and at those times i’m in too much pain to come to work. (those of you with similar stomach problems know how frustrating this can be, because you “look like there’s nothing wrong with you.” you look normal, and everyone thinks you’re full of it.) i told her how i’d lost almost ten pounds in two weeks’ time, and she said, “yay!” i stared at her incredulously for about thirty seconds before looking out the window and biting my tongue to stop all the things i wanted to say. finally, i settled on, “um, not so much. that’s a lot to lose in such a short amount of time.” and she kind of backpedaled and agreed that it was, but a lot of people would like to lose weight like that so quickly. and i didn’t say anything else. i wanted to, but i didn’t. then, the other day, i went to her office to talk about something i’m working on, after being out sick two days. and she offered me trail mix, then gum. as i hiked my pants up so i could sit down (the only thing holding my pants up these days is my big bum, and if i sit without pulling my pants up first, it’s uncomfortable and there’s serious risk of joe-the-plumber crack) i declined both offers, to which she replied, “good girl!” i didn’t know what to say.

i can only keep up the polite silence so long. what i want to say, to whoever thinks illness-induced weight loss is cause for celebration, is:

i’m happy the way i am. i’m not looking to lose weight. if i’m losing weight, that means there’s something wrong. i wish i could eat as much of whatever i wanted, like i used to. even if it means i’m fat, or unattractive to most people. i’d rather have my health (such as it is) than the admiration of shallow people who would be glad to see me thin, even if being thin meant fluctuating between gnawing hunger and pain. nothing tastes as good as being thin feels? fuck that. if this is how being thin feels (and i’m not thin by a long shot) i’d choose to be fat any day. unfortunately, i have no choice in the matter.

i haven’t weighed myself since the doctor visit a couple weeks ago that confirmed my rapid loss. but i can tell by the way my clothes fit – or don’t, as the case may be – that i haven’t gained any back, and might actually still be losing. it’s hard to tell on someone my size if you lose ten or twenty pounds, because everyone still sees you as a fatty. so no one’s made any remarks yet, thankfully. i haven’t told anyone but ki-san because i know everyone will react the way she did, and i can’t stand it. but if it gets to the point where it’s noticeable and people start complimenting me on it, i’m going to have to put my foot down. i’m going to have to stop worrying about making people feel uncomfortable. maybe they should feel uncomfortable. because if you think weight loss no matter the reason is hot, you’re sicker than i am.

it was four years ago today that i held mum’s hand and watched her die. most of the time, it’s scary how easy it is to forget she’s not here anymore. lately, for some reason, it’s been hard. the other day, i clicked on a link to a news story, and the writer’s picture was there, and her hair looked just like mum’s. her face didn’t register right away, and it felt like being punched in the gut. i used to be able to fool myself into thinking she was just away for a while. that i’d get to see her again one of these days. the more time that goes by, the less that works. i also used to think that i’d see her after i died. but i don’t believe that anymore, either. i don’t believe there’s an afterlife. i don’t really believe we reincarnate or anything. i’m pretty sure there’s nothing after this, and anything religion or myth has taught us is there to make us behave or make us feel better about what’s coming. so i don’t think i’ll probably ever see her again. in a few years – or decades, maybe – i’ll be dead, too, and won’t have to worry about missing people anymore.

it does get easier as time goes on, in a lot of ways. it kind of has to. if i felt like i did for the month directly after her death, i wouldn’t be able to function. but i don’t think i’ll ever stop feeling her absence entirely…

i got the filling replaced this morning and it hurts like hell. i’ve never had a filling that hurt. i’m a little concerned, as the extra strength tylenol is hardly touching it. if it still hurts on monday, i’m going to call the dentist and make sure nothing’s amiss.

holy shit, i love barack obama. he just made a nerdy superman joke and he’s so fucking funny. i’ll put a youtube clip of it later if one comes out.

update: here’s the video.

okay, the good news is, i think i figured out what’s happening when people try to comment. it’s a 403 error, which, on most sites, has a standard “forbidden” message. on mine, however, it’s a little doodle guy saying “fuck you” to which i added, for emphasis, “denied.” (i personalized my error messages when i first set up this blog a few years ago. i’m thinking i’ll edit it and put “epic fail” instead.) so now at least i know my blog is, for some reason, forbidding certain people from commenting.

the bad news is, i have no idea why it’s doing this or how to fix it. except maybe updating the software, which i can’t do until i have internet access at home. so, fear not. this will get fixed. eventually.

I use zillow because I like to torment myself by seeing how worthless my houses have become. (kidding on the square.) well, for the tallahassee house, there’s a satellite picture that shows the rooftops, basically. But for the st. pete house, it’s street level. And you can move the view up and down the street and in front of specific houses. The excitement at finding out how much I could see was quickly replaced with throat-clenching sadness. I want to go home. That’s my house. My first house. And it’s the best house in the world, and that’s where I belong. And I hate to think of what the people who have been living there might have done to it. I wish we were going to stay there forever, but after we sell the tally house, that one’s the next to go. But I want to put any equity we get (ha!) into the st. pete house. I want to give it the makeover it deserves. Hardwood floors, new counters and cabinets… god, I want to be back there. And even though it’s great we’re moving back home, I don’t want to live in Brandon or riverview. I want to live in st. pete. Until global warming causes the ocean to swallow it whole… I can’t believe how choked up I’m getting over that place. I know I’m homesick, but didn’t realize how much of it had to do with that particular home.

the internet will be out until thursday, apparently. i’m not even going to go into how fucking retarded our cable people are, but one of them came out yesterday and was predictably fucking useless. so i continue to miss out on the hko beta, as well as not being able to work on my website. (though spam and ju-chan comments are getting through well enough. i’m stumped.) also, i’m pretty upset that i won’t be able to get up-to-the-minute stats after the debate tomorrow night. i’ll watch keith, of course, but it just won’t be as fun if sohei and i aren’t wailing at our respective laptops and frantically hitting the refresh button every 30 seconds. (okay, it’s mostly me who does that, but still.)

our internet at home has been out since saturday night. this is unfortunate, as i only got to play hko for a few hours. after waiting like two years to play. also, i can do nothing regarding my website until it’s fixed, because i can’t muck about with it at work. and sohei has a big paper due. it’s not a good time not to have internet is what i’m trying to say.

i didn’t get around to upgrading the blog software this weekend. maybe at some point this week…

i went to the doctor on friday to get my fmla forms filled out. according to the office scale, i lost more weight. i told her what has been happening, and she told me to go to the specialist. and i told her that last time, they’d only offered me painkillers, and she said to try going there again, and if i wasn’t happy, she’d refer me to someone else for a second opinion. i started feeling better over the weekend, though. i was able to eat a little, and didn’t get sick afterward. which was weird, because thursday had been particularly bad. i didn’t eat all day, and when i tried to eat dinner, i felt so sick. whatever. i’ll enjoy this period of normalcy while it lasts. and when everything goes to hell again, i can call in sick as much as i want, thanks to those forms. of course, they’re kind of a red flag on my employment records, and i probably won’t ever be able to find work again, but getting written up or whatever would’ve been bad, too.

bloody hell, this shirt smells awful. i didn’t think to sniff it before putting it on this morning, because i got complacent and figured it was clean. but i’ve been slacking pretty badly on doing chores because my job sucks the life out of me and i’m an exhausted husk when i get home. hopefully, if i leave my sweater on all day, no one will be able to smell it.

in other news, i went to the gas station last night, wearing one of my obama shirts, to buy smokes. and the clerk wanted to take a picture of me on his camera phone. i’m not sure why. he was pretty psyched about my obama shirt, though, so i let him.

better run to the bathroom, etc. before my desk shift starts…

“i’m an old, rich, white guy. my opponent is a black dude with a scary-sounding name. i’m clearly the underdog here!”

i was going to write a story about something that happened at work yesterday when I realized that, since I suck at coming up with names and just use initials with Japanese honorifics, no one probably knows who the hell I’m talking about. Scheherezhade did a post a while back with a cast of characters, and I reckon I ought to do the same. So here are all the people I make reference to on here from time to time:

sohei = my husband
ju-chan = my sister
genma = my father-in-law
no-chan (short for nodoka, genma’s wife in ranma 1/2) = genma’s girlfriend
t-sensei = my former supervisor
ki-san = my current supervisor
mi-kun = my guy bestie at work
an-chan (formerly miss daisy) = my gal bestie at work
m-senpai = an older coworker who reminds me of my dad
b-kun = my former guy bestie at work, until he left to go to school full time

I know there are others, and I’ll add them as I remember or new characters show up.

apparently, there’s some weirdness going on with my comments. i searched for the known wordpress hacks, and it isn’t any of them. i created an account and tried commenting with it, and it worked, with no odd behavior. i’m going to keep poking around and see if i can’t figure it out. guess i’ll end up updating the software after all…

holy fuck, sundays are boring. comment and leave me links to some good (safe for work) websites to check out for next time i’m stuck at the desk for four hours. (which will actually be tomorrow, come to think of it. oh bloody hell.)

after looking into it, the dysentery-like symptoms and abdominal pain (and sudden 8-pound weight loss) point to gall bladder issues. i’m going to the doctor this friday to have her fill out my fmla forms, so i’ll ask her about it then, i guess.

not a lot going on, otherwise. work stuff, election stuff… if it gets final approval, i’ll be doing flex time soon, which means i’ll be working for 11 hours a day, four days a week. they won’t let me have three days off in a row, which sucks, but being off thursday, saturday, and sunday will be nice. we should work four days a week to begin with. for eight hours a day. everyone, i mean. why do we have to spend so much time at work?

ugh, not feeling well again.

it’s been a so-so week. i’ve had some nasty abdominal pain the past couple of days. it kept me up last night. i’m pretty sure it was my gall bladder again. or i have an ulcer. sohei made me feel better by telling me that he’d be willing to get up at any time to take me to the hospital, and i was finally able to fall asleep.

in other news, i was walking from my car to the library when a couple of strange guys asked about my lip ring. and then one said to the other, “dude, she’s so pale. she looks like scully.” and the other said, “dude, i know! she’s hot.” which i thought was pretty funny. it was pretty early in the morning to be that stoned.

ki-san has started to show an undue amount of concern about me and asked that i fill out a questionnaire about how i feel about my job.

and, finally, i spent the evening watching the vp debate. since the only thing palin could have done to appear worse would have been to pee herself or knock the podium over, i assumed it would be considered a win for her, but biden (according to the polls at least) was the clear winner. and obama continues to climb in the polls, particularly in this insane state where i live.