jesus fucking christ. sohei just called. he was on his way to school when some stupid bitch hit his car. he was stopped in the left lane and she changed lanes without even looking where she’s going and ran right into him. he seems okay right now, but the car has a big dent and long scratch on it, and the tire’s messed up. no one can drive in this fucking town. just about everyone i know has been in at least one wreck here, and none of them were at fault. i don’t know anything about the fucktard who hit him, except that she’s apparently yet another stupid piece of shit who doesn’t know how to drive. the happiest day of my life will be when we get the fuck out of this stupid place and go home. if i live to see the goddamn day.

it’s clearly one of those days. work has been a complete bitch, the dentist i’m going to about the lost filling completely fucked me over (above and beyond the $500 this whole thing is costing me), and my doctor’s office won’t answer the goddamn phone. i go straight to hold every time, and sit there for at least five minutes before i get a work call and have to hang up and start the fucking process all over again. i’m about to lose my goddamn mind. i need to get that tooth filled before it requires a root canal, because i can’t fucking afford a root canal. i can’t even afford the filling, but i asked dad to give me my christmas money now to pay for it. merry fucking christmas to me. and i can’t take any more leave until i get my fmla stuff processed, which will take who knows how long. i have to have my doctor fill out a form and all this other shit, then it has to be processed by the university which takes fucking forever. and of course i’ve been getting really sick lately, so it’s the best possible time for this to fucking happen.

can the universe just cut me a fucking break already?

oh my god, i fucking hate my job.

Bored bored so freaking bored. Even when I’m assigned things, work is so boring lately. It’s a beautiful day outside and I want to be home with sohei, smoking cigarettes on the porch and watching brumby play. I keep staring out the window. I love having a window. I’m going to the dentist tomorrow morning at 9:30. I’m really, really hoping they’ll just go ahead and give me the filling then so I don’t have to go another week like this. And I hope it’s not too expensive. Ha. I have to be on the desk in 15 minutes. I hate afternoon desk time. It’s better than sitting around, I guess. This week has just dragged. I keep refreshing my google homepage, hoping that a new news item or email pops up. And seeing what the tiger is up to. She’s so cute. The fox was cute, but the tiger is even cuter. Ughhhhhhhhh. Only an hour and a half until the weekend…

i spent my lunch break helping sohei remember things for his bar application. i love reminiscing. because for every address and every time period, i had a story. and a lot of my recollections relied on things that weren’t really all that memorable. for example, he couldn’t remember whether he was still doing the externship for Seminole electric when we first met. And I told him he definitely was, because we used to use that as an excuse to skip school. His externship was during the last class period, and he’d leave campus for it. My last class period was remedial algebra, and then I’d have tennis practice after school. One day, when he didn’t have to go to his externship, I skipped math and tennis practice and we went to masaryktown. (it’s a hick town near land o’ lakes.) anyway, we were just friends then, but we started skipping all the time. And it was all thanks to that externship. So I remembered all these random little things, and even made a timeline of every place he lived or stayed (however short) from the time he was 16. And I could remember it all down to the month.

In case you care, here’s the timeline:

? – June 1995: Odessa
June 1995 – August 1995: Land O’ Lakes (my parents’ house)
August 1995 – May 1996: Gainesville (Sledd Hall)
May 1996 – June/July 1996? (call your mom to confirm): Tampa (your mom’s hospital apartment)
July 1996 – August 1996: Gainesville (my parents’ house)
August 1996 – August 1998: Gainesville (studio)
August 1998 – June 1999: Gainesville (Prairiewood)
June 1999 – January 2004: Clearwater
January 2004 – August 2006: Pinellas Park
August 2006 – present: Tallahassee

Anyway, it was a neat way to spend my break. I’m proud of my ability to remember useless stuff. And look things up. (I found all our old houses/apartments and some workplaces.) I still feel like crap, but at least I’m in a decent mood.

p.s. – if you have dysentery, like I apparently do, even water and orange juice aren’t safe.

the good: i got into the hello kitty mmorpg beta.

the bad: i o.d.ed on my meds this morning and now have that persistent, hacking cough and scratchy throat that comes with it. to get rid of the cotton mouth, i’ve been drinking a bunch of water, but now i just feel sick again.

the ugly: i’ve gotten sick after dinner every single night this week, and had to go home early on monday. this is not a standard flare-up. i have no idea what’s wrong, but i can’t really go to the doctor until i’m done dealing with the filling that fell out on sunday. in the meantime, i’m in a ton of pain and i can’t eat or drink much. w00t. (i’m in pain from the stomach issues, not the filling.)

oh. my. god. i hate my body so. freaking. much.

i had to go home early yesterday. as usual, i started feeling better in the evening. i felt okay when i woke up this morning. and then things go steadily downhill. i can’t miss any more work. i’m pretty sure i’m out of leave for this pay period. god, this pisses me off. it’s like i get to work and my body decides that’s the best time to bring on the excruciating gut pain and sickness. and my meds aren’t even touching it anymore. (now that the baby plans are off, i’ve been taking them again.)

sometimes i wonder why everything has to go to hell at once.

i overslept again this morning. and my stomach is all fucked up again. i wish i could just go back home, but i have this important meeting today with my boss and her boss. which means i also probably won’t make it to the dentist today. we’ll see when i call them, i guess. sigh.

it looks like winter outside. it’s just after six, but the sky is dark and heavy and grey. it looks like it should be cold, but according to weather.com, it’s 80 degrees out there. no fair. it’s been more tolerable out lately, but nowhere near cool. i want to see my breath and get all cuddly and everything. if what i see out the window is any indication, i should be able to. but i’m not. stupid florida.

why is it that if you google “lose a filling” without quotation marks around it, most of what you get is weight loss crap? i understand that “lose” = lose weight and “filling” is one of those dieting catchphrases, but jesus christ. i just want to know a) what i’m supposed to do when i lose a filling and b) what i can eat or drink. a friend of mine who’s lost a filling before said she was told to eat only soft foods like applesauce, yogurt, etc. so it’ll probably be macaroni for dinner again tonight… (macaroni is my favorite, but i was going to fry some fish, and now i can’t.) anyway, that’s pretty freaking retarded.

there isn’t enough bleach in the world to scrub this image from my mind.

oh sunday, you’re always ready to surprise me with some new shitty thing. i was relieved to find that my stomach had settled down this morning. but then, right before i left, i was talking to sohei, and a filling fell out of my mouth. after a lot of whining and hand-wringing on my part, sohei pointed out that as long as i’m not in pain, i should be fine til i can see a dentist. just don’t chew on that side, etc. after all, he pointed out, pieces of his teeth used to fall out all the time. (it’s true. they did.) anyway, of course i don’t have dental insurance. and i’m probably going to have to take time off work to get this fixed. and there’s this big gross hole in one of my teeth that i’m trying not to touch, but it happens. goddammit.

Meme stolen from james.

What is your occupation right now?
library associate

What color are your socks right now?
no socks

What are you listening to right now?
last of the summer wine. and sohei being a dork.

What was the last thing that you ate?
banana pudding ice cream

Do you drive a stick shift?
nope

Last person you spoke to on the phone?
left a message for my boss, ki-san, telling her i might not come in tomorrow. as for speaking to someone speaking back, i don’t remember.

Do you like the person who sent this to you?
of course. we share a birthday.

How old are you today?
29

What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
soccer

What is your favorite drink?
anything cool and sweet

Have you ever dyed your hair?
constantly, since i was 14

Favorite food?
mexican food. and sweets.

What is the last movie you watched?
oh god. i don’t want to say. rush hour 3, okay? and i slept through half of it.

Favorite day of the year?
probably christmas

How do you vent anger?
whine at mi-kun and flail my arms and cuss and smoke all his cigarettes

What was your favorite toy as a child?
my only transformer

What is your favorite season?
fall

Cherries or Blueberries?
cherries

Living arrangements?
with husband, cat, and dog, in a two-bed, two-bath, loft-style townhouse

When was the last time you cried?
yesterday

What is on the floor of your closet?
clothes and boxes of junk

What did you do last night?
walked to las brasas and got a cuban sandwich and chicken empanada, watched justice league, played rock band 2, got really freaking sick, and slept

What are you most afraid of?
rejection

Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?
plain

Favorite dog breed?
mini-schnauzers, of course

Favorite day of the week?
friday. though tuesdays and wednesdays have been good lately.

How many states have you lived in?
three

Pearls or diamonds?
video games. but if i had to pick, diamonds. i hate pearls.

What is your favorite flower?
um. don’t know. i guess if roses were naturally black, i’d probably like them best. dandelions are nice, too, because you can paint your face with them or blow the seeds around.

I don’t want to go to sleep.
Lucy won’t you come with me?
Let’s go paint the town red,
Let’s go paint the town red.
All these people bother me,
Let’s go on a killing spree.
Let’s go paint the town red.

-lucy, daughter of the devil opening theme

Take a picture of yourself right now. Don’t change your clothes, don’t fix your hair…just take a picture. Post that picture with NO editing. Post these instructions with your picture.

okay. well, here’s me at work. my camera phone freaking sucks, so you get my eye. the way the button is positioned, it’s damn near impossible to take a picture of yourself. as it is, it took me more than five minutes to take this. so, yeah, this is all you get.

yesterday was really irritating, but i’m not going to go into all of it. i will, however, note that there is a reason i went into academic librarianship rather than public. and part of that reason is some of the patrons we had yesterday. one of them came into the library, soaking wet, no shirt, no shoes. (thankfully, it was a guy.) and then there was this couple hanging out across from the desk. she was wearing men’s underwear shorts (not boxers, but the tightie-whities that extend half-way down the leg) and a tiny t-shirt that did absolutely nothing to hide her massive beer gut. and her boyfriend – who appeared not to have bathed in weeks – was wearing jeans with the pockets torn out of the back. back in the day before i got so frickin’ huge, i used to borrow sohei’s underwear when i ran out, but i sure as hell wouldn’t go out in it without pants on. (this was when we couldn’t afford to do laundry regularly and i didn’t have a bathtub to wash stuff in yet. at least it was clean.)

anyway, we got rock band 2 yesterday. it’s fun. i agreed to write a short article on it for the library newsletter. which i guess i should actually do, because he wanted it before mid-week. arg.

stupid gmail. i’ve been waiting for the hello kitty mmorpg for like two years now (shut up) and they have this thing where the first 20,000 to sign up through sanriotown accounts get to play beta as founders. and gmail sent the email announcement to the fucking spam folder. so, two days after the fact, i went ahead and tried to sign up, but it’s probably too late. i wouldn’t have even seen the email if i hadn’t been checking the spam folder for something else (that apparently never showed up). it’s never sent sanriotown email there before, of course. i’ll find out in a couple weeks whether i can play. damn, that makes me mad…

it must be one of those self-repeating, immortal franken-ants.

i got my hair cut, and it looks nice. i bought healthy groceries. it’s friday, i’m in love. (okay, it’s saturday now, but whatever.)

they’re running out of movie ideas.

‘night.

(meet me in my dreams, ‘kay?)

the bunnies are stealing watermelons, my face hurts from snot, and it’s time to go to bed for good tonight. i have a list of things a mile long to do tomorrow, and now i won’t be getting up til the day’s half over.

oh, and i forgot to mention that sohei was really nice to me today while i was sick. i’m pretty sure he was just trying to impress girls, but whatevs. i had to leave work around 10:00 coz i was not feeling so hot. and when i got home, i emailed sohei coz he was in class and i couldn’t call him. i asked if he could get me some gatorade or stop at chik-fil-a to get me some chicken soup and a lemonade. then i went to bed. i called him when class got out because i couldn’t drag myself out of bed to check my email. and he said he’d stop and get me some lunch. he also said this girl told him he was a good husband for getting me soup when i was sick. he was, though. i’ve never had their soup before and it was pretty good. i ate it and went right back to sleep and slept all afternoon. he sat next to me in bed and watched tv and worked on stuff. he tried to talk to me a couple times, but since i was a mix of cranky and comatose, he just let me sleep.

yesterday, i went to this seminar at work and re-took the keirsey temperament test for the millionth time. (i love taking it, though, so it’s okay.) anyway, i got what i always do: infp, with the first three at the extreme and the last nearly borderline p/j. when i got home, i told sohei if he took it, we could maybe work on some relationship strategies. i’ve been trying to get him to take it for years, but he finally did it. he’s an intj. (i knew he’d be a j.) i don’t think our types mesh very well in certain ways. his type finds mine too emotional, for example. but apparently his type is willing to work at relationships, so there’s that.

anyway, i’m exhausted again, so i think i’m going to rest. ju-chan isn’t on her im (ahem) so there’s no point in waiting around.

i forgot i said i’d show you what i got dad for his birthday. i got him the petri dish of mad cow microbes. he’s going to put them on his desk at work. (in case you didn’t know, he’s an epidemiologist for the usda, and he’s on a task force dedicated to epidemics and emergencies like bse. once when i was visiting he got a potential bse call at like 10:00 at night, but i didn’t get to go.)

if i had an office, i’d get tons of different microbes and put them everywhere.

aaand now we’re back to such spam as “mature sluts.” if anyone finds my blog by searching for that term, i’m afraid you’re off by half. i am not in the least mature.

not sure why i’m blogging, really. probably because i never have time anymore and i feel bad about not updating at least once in a while. also, since i’m not particularly bummed out, i figured i should write just so i won’t look back and think i was never happy.

when i got to the subbasement today, mi-kun was signed in to pandora, but i hadn’t signed out of my last.fm account. so i thought his stuff would show up in my sidebar, but it didn’t, thankfully. i don’t want people thinking i listen to stuff that mainstream. haha just kidding. (on the square.)

well, i guess that’s it. i’m not depressed right now. just thought you might want to know.

i had comment spam that simply said “scanty attire.” so now i’m getting victorian porn comment spam?

i can’t concentrate today. i was on the desk for two hours as usual, and then i tried to sit down and read through these damn articles and i just can’t. my mind won’t settle down. it’s going in all directions. i thought i’d be done with this when i finished school, but apparently not. at least i’m getting paid to do it, instead of paying through the nose. i’m going to make this quick, coz i’m borrowing mi-kun’s subbasement computer and i’d rather he didn’t catch me blogging. because then he’d know i have a blog. and then possibly read it.

off to clear out the history and cache… this post was so worth it.

ho hum, i’m at work. it’s a beautiful day, though, and it’s finally quiet so i can sit at my desk and enjoy looking out the window. work is getting better, mostly. certain things about it, anyway.

i’m reading this book, the anatomy of disgust, which is really fascinating. and it has a term in it that i particularly liked, and i thought it would make a good blog name. i got “carved angel” out of a book, too. it’s the name of a restaurant in england. i still like “carved angel” but in the past five or so years i’ve been blogging, i’ve changed a lot. and i’m wondering if maybe it’s not time to change things around here, too. for some reason, domain names have gone from $8 to $14, and while it’s hardly breaking the bank, i don’t want to register it without giving it some thought first.

and i still haven’t updated the software or anything, either. i’m loathe to put private entries on a different blog, and i’m still not sure how that’s going to work. my host fixed my archive system so you can actually see the private entries now. not that there are many. i dunno…

it’s dad’s birthday today. i got him a neat present, which i’ll link to once he gets it. i’m pretty darn sure he’s not aware of my blog or anything, but regardless, it’s a secret.

i guess i’d better get back to work. or back to looking out the window…

things are getting a bit better at work, but jesus christ these kids are stupid. how the fuck did they make it to college?

i overslept this morning and was almost an hour late to work. i have a two hour meeting with my new supervisor this afternoon, and she doesn’t seem happy. (not necessarily with me, but who knows, with the way things have been going lately.)

es geht.

today so far:

-woke up to brumby jumping on my bladder
-told that i can’t go to the mall because i’ll spend money
-stood in the shower for 20 minutes but couldn’t cry despite feeling a desperate need to
-blew up at sohei because if my life has to suck this fucking bad, the least i could be allowed to do is spend $40 of the $500 in gift money i’ve saved
-in the heat of the argument, was told all sorts of things about how fat i am and how he can’t stand me
-now, finally, able to cry
-after most blotchiness subsided, went to get dressed to go to convenience store and discovered brumby ate one of my shoes; he’s never done this before
-went to convenience store to fill up car and get cranberry juice, and was picked on by the clerk for the aclu shirt i was wearing

it’s just a bit after noon. wonder what else this relaxing day off will hold?