i don’t think i’ll ever stop missing my mum. the recent graduating stuff really brought back her memory. i will always attribute my academic success and my choice of career path to her. for most of my school career, i didn’t care about my grades. when i finished my a.a., i was stuck for a couple years. i didn’t know what i wanted to do, and i couldn’t find work. after being housebound for over a year, i pretty much literally lost my mind, and sohei took me to stay with my parents for a few months. while there, mum fixed me up. she found me a potential career to work toward, helped me get medical attention, and got me ready for my upcoming wedding. if she hadn’t helped me then, i don’t know where i’d be today. dead or institutionalized, probably.

when i came back from gainesville, i got married and started working at the comic book store. i was only there a few months before i quit, but then i got to go back to school. with a plan for the future, i worked really hard to get good grades to make her proud. (and also so she wouldn’t be sorry she was paying for my education.) she died before i got my b.a. in english lit, though. my grades that semester suffered, of course. but, despite wanting to just give up and join her, i worked. it was all there was to do, and i didn’t want to waste the time and effort she’d put in to get me this far. and then i went to grad school for my library degree, like she’d suggested. and i still wanted to call her every time i got my grades back. i wish she could see what i’ve become…

yesterday, i wrote to an old colleague of hers to ask for a reference for a job i’m applying for. (it’s a digital librarian job over at the medical library.) he wrote back straight away and said he’d be happy to help. and that everyone there still thought about my mum a lot, and it was nice to hear from me. i’d only worked at that library for the couple of months i’d spent back home that time, and was only a temp, but the branch manager is willing to be a reference for me. because of how much they love and respect my mum there, mostly, i reckon. (t-sensei told me once that library folk are stingy with their references because it’s such a small community. he only gives references for people he believes in, for the sake of his own reputation. with that in mind, references from librarians mean a lot to me.)

sometimes i feel like i have a lot to live up to. mum spent a lot of her life raising me and my sister. we were her career. i am what she has to show for all those years spent at home. it’s a lot of pressure sometimes. wasting my own life is one thing, but she invested a lot of hers in mine as well. i wasn’t always what she wanted, but i feel compelled to make the most of myself now, for her. it’s the least i can do for all the doors she opened for me. and anything else just seems disrespectful…

can’t even say
why
crept slowly
take me
by
surprise.
over my shoulder
touch lingered
tried not to
but must
did you feel that?
or am i
alone?
fluctuating
nonchalance and
tension
a sputtered
hello
only in
my head
ultimately just
one
in a very
long line
another kiss
that
never
was

i’m getting a ridiculous amount of wicked glee watching my lazy coworkers suffer because they have to do everything now. it looks like most of our department has called in sick today for some reason (i’m guessing it has something to do with today being friday) and now the rest of them have to open and work the desk all day without my help. gee, guys, if you hadn’t made me do all the damn work every day for the past year, i wouldn’t have crippled myself, and i’d be able to help when you really need me.

yesterday, my department went on a “team building” trip to wakulla springs. i was on a three-person committee that planned the whole thing. i will be the first to admit that spending a day with people i don’t know that well, in my swimsuit, in 95+ degree heat wasn’t that appealing to me. but our teamwork sucks, and i felt that this was worth doing, so i volunteered for the committee. i figured people would bitch about the team-building games and the trip itself. i didn’t think people would outright refuse to do anything.

we all went on the trip, because it was mandatory. but all most people did before hand was complain about having to go. because, you know, working is so much more fun than a paid day at the damn beach. once we got there, the first thing on the agenda was a meeting. we had the meeting in the air-conditioned room we rented, and the department head did most of the talking. no one wanted to say anything. next on the agenda was the first game, which involved passing snacks around, and people had to tell a fact about themselves for each point their chosen snack was worth. so everyone gladly took the food the committee had bought, but bitched their damn heads off when they found out they had to participate in an actual activity. after that, we broke for lunch. when we got back, we were supposed to do a couple more activities before the boat ride, but one of the supervisors decided we should wait til after the boat ride to do anything.

so everyone ate their lunch (which mostly consisted of the food we provided for free) and sat around like a bunch of slugs. i was trying to stay out of the sun, since i was still pink from my last sunburn, and sat under a gazebo where a couple of guys from work were playing their guitars. i didn’t know either of them that well, but since the point of the trip was to get to know people and stuff, i eventually put my book down and tried to chat. they got up and left. i think the mistake i made, as usual, was opening my mouth. properly chastised, i sat alone and read my book until it was time for the boat ride.

the boat ride was about the only good thing about that stupid trip. especially the part where a herd of five or six manatees swam past the boat. i love them and their little paddle tails. there was all kinds of wildlife about, so it was neat. then we went back to the meeting room, where everyone decided that they didn’t want to do any activities or even go back outside. we were kind of relying on t-sensei and his boss (the head of the dept) to push people to do the activities, since that was the whole point of it, but they didn’t. so we sat around for two hours and bitched. or, i sat around, falling asleep, and listened to everyone else bitch. oh sure, t-sensei thanked us first for planning the outing (leaving me out again, like he’d done in the email), which was met with lukewarm applause and grumbling. then the complain-fest started. it began with bitching about us and everything we’d done wrong regarding the planning for the trip. (i wasn’t left out when it came to the complaining, of course.) neither t-sensei nor his boss stepped in to admit any kind of blame, though the whole communication issue stemmed from neither of them sending out the email about the trip in a timely fashion. from there, it was everyone blaming everyone else for whatever was going wrong in the department at any given time. that went on until it was time to leave.

we did one activity. and all the supplies we bought for the rest of them went to waste. i was irritated that the 36 eggs i brought for the egg toss went unused, but figured that at least i was going to be reimbursed for them. as well as all the snacks i brought for them to stuff their ingrateful faces with. then this morning i learned that our reimbursement might depend on a report we have to turn in to the director. i spent $30 on this stuff with the understanding that i was going to get paid back, and now it’s suddenly not a given? on top of all the time we wasted planning the activities and the time i spent on saturday trying to put everyone into groups for the different games? fuck that. i might not get my time back, but i’m going to get reimbursed, whether it comes from the library, my coworkers, or my boss.

i am never, ever volunteering for anything like this again. it wasn’t only thankless, but people bitched and complained at me because i’d had the audacity to plan the damn thing. the only thing this trip did for me is remind me why i’m such a misanthrope and bolster the belief that our bosses are mostly useless when it comes to having our backs on anything. i pretty much hate most of my “team” and have never looked forward to going home to tampa more than i am now.

remember when i was a hypochondriac? haha that was fun. i read this article/excerpt about someone who was similarly affected. you know what cured me? getting a job and getting out of the house. now that i have other things on my mind like looming deadlines and how much some of my coworkers hate me, i don’t spend as much time thinking about what my body’s doing. i hate going to the doctor now, and get irritated when there’s an actual problem, like with my shoulder. i don’t want to have a bunch of tests done on it or whatever. i just want it to not hurt. also, i haven’t had my eyes checked yet, because there aren’t any lens crafter like places around here. (i think i’ll have my doctor take a quick look on monday and see if she notes anything. if so, maybe she’ll give me a referral and it won’t cost me an arm and a leg to have it checked out properly.) i’d probably be more willing to ignore the cost if i thought i had ocular cancer or something. but don’t worry, best beloveds, i’ll be getting my eyes checked soon whether the doctor cooperates or not.

i was just thinking, the other day, how scared i used to be of face mold, and now i spend my day surrounded by moldy, mildewy stuff. also, they found asbestos in the basement while doing renovations, and i’m hoping that doesn’t make its way downstairs. regardless, i don’t worry about lung cancer or face mold or anything else. my time on buspar was probably helpful, too.

so, if i were to make a suggestion to other hypochondriacs, i’d start with the advice my mum gave me: stop thinking so much about yourself and find something else to do. also, sometimes drugs (of the anti-anxiety variety) are your friends. you don’t have to take them forever. i took them for a couple years, and for some reason i don’t need them anymore. also, if you can’t afford doctor visits, that might also help a bit. honestly, though, there’s no real good advice. hypochondria seems to disappear as soon as it came, for no apparent reason. i can only guess as to why i don’t have it anymore…

i forgot to mention, my diploma arrived yesterday. i really hate to say this, but i honestly have no idea where my other diplomas (high school, transcription, a.a., b.a. english) are. now i’m kind of sad because i’d at least like to know where the english one is… anyway, i was looking at that piece of paper, and felt this sort of awe. i did it. after spending 20 years in school, i was done. i had accomplished what i’d wanted to do. what mum had wanted me to do. and i wished so hard that she were still here to see it, because i honestly don’t think it would have happened without her. actually, it totally wouldn’t have happened without her, because i wasn’t even aware of that major or career until she told me about it. plus paying for everything.

i know that people scoff at the idea of things like degrees just being, as noted above, pieces of paper. but i worked damn hard for that paper, and, to me, it stands for a lot. it stands for my mother working so hard to pay for it. and all the time and weekends sacrificed. and those trips to tampa i had to take by myself. it was only a little over ten years ago when just about anyone you asked would tell you that i wasn’t going to amount to much. and maybe to some i still don’t meet their definition of successful. but i’m what i wanted to be, and what my mum wanted me to be. she didn’t care if i was a doctor or lawyer or artist or writer. (well, she did kind of want me to write, but never pressured me.) she just wanted me to be happy and make more of my life than she got to make of hers. and, aside from missing her terribly, i am happy.

so, thanks mum. i would never have earned that piece of paper without you.

after calling all over the place, i finally got a goddamn appointment with my doctor on monday afternoon. and the kindly hr chick said i don’t have to file ada stuff because it’s not a permanent injury. so things should be okay now, but i’m still mad that my shoulder’s fucked up. i was going to write more, but i think i’m supposed to be at a meeting in a couple minutes. and i shouldn’t have been quite so mean about t-sensei, since he wants to help me and all. but i still think we wouldn’t even be in this mess if something was done about my complaint initially.

t-sensei and i had an hour long meeting yesterday regarding what to do about my non-functional arm. i managed to be pretty civil about the reason it got injured to begin with, and we decided i’d be on the help desk rather than circ for the foreseeable future. unfortunately, i have to fill out an ada form and maybe fmla. when i told sohei, he said absolutely not, and that it’s just as bad as filing for worker’s comp as far as future employment goes. he said to just suck it up and do my job.

i called my doctor yesterday to try to make an appointment, so i can at least find out what’s wrong with my shoulder, but she can’t/won’t see me before she goes on vacation. she’ll be gone til july 7th. so i’m going to try to get an appointment with the guy i saw last time. in fact, if he’s accepting new patients, i’m going to start going to him instead. my current doctor’s office staff is mostly incompetent, and i’m pretty irritated that she can’t fit me in for five minutes before she leaves next tuesday. i explained the situation to the nurse, and she was apologetic, but i would have to wait til next month. i’m going to call the other guy this morning and see if his office will at least fax an extension on my rest order.

since i can’t file the ada paperwork, though, doctor’s notes and stuff are largely moot, since we can’t be put on different tasks for extended periods without the forms.

will this day ever freaking end? i didn’t sleep too well last night, and i’m a pretty bad mood. really, i’ve been in a bad mood for the last few years, but some days are better than others. also, i’m sad that my mix tape only works sporadically. it looks exactly like a mix tape i had back then, though, which is funny.

in my crankiness today, i’ve been reflecting on my inability to tolerate authority. i have always hated it, in any form, and probably always will. most times, if someone tries to tell me what to do, i shut down and become sullen and uncooperative. (i mean, if my boss or someone who has any business telling me what to do asks me to do something, i will if there’s a good reason. i’m not that much of an entitled psycho.) but i was also thinking how that extends to instances outside of my interpersonal relationships. for example, if i read an article where someone tells me how i should feel about something – and if i don’t, i’m clearly ____ – irritates the fuck out of me. this is part of the reason i hate zealotry. accusing me of being a bad person because i refuse to hate something is idiotic.

i used to have more patience with this stuff, in some ways. i don’t walk away from jobs like i used to. but i’m not nice anymore, either. my ability to put up with things is pretty much nil. i threatened ambivalence and rudeness before, but i kind of thought it would never actually happen. now i’m cynical and angry i can’t shut it off. which is just causing me to withdraw even further.

sohei got here early today to take me to lunch, so i showed him the subbasement. and i showed him my little corner of it. i think he was kind of appalled. even he thought it was weird that i should choose to work where i do. he wasn’t mean about it, but i got a little insight into what my coworkers probably think. i know people think i’m weird. even knowing that, i can’t help but prefer being down here. there’s no noise except my music, and i don’t have to worry about putting my foot in it all the time, which i inevitably do upstairs. i’d rather people dislike me because i’m weird than because i’m a jerk, i guess. i don’t always mean to be a jerk, either, i just don’t think. i’ve been saying weird things and putting people off since i could speak, though, so maybe being the weirdo in the subbasement is preferable.

stolen from dawna:

you know, this is mostly accurate and all, but i’m still pretty sure my best personality type fit is within the myers-briggs infx category (infp/infj).

okay, so is obama an elitist or is he ghetto? make up your minds, people!

today has been a good day so far. a friend brought me a strawberry icee, and it was waiting for me in the freezer after i got off the help/reference desk. that’s the other thing. i got to be on the help desk. i’ve been here for a year, and it’s the first time i got to do reference! i was told i did a good job on the one reference question i did get. i’ll be on the reference desk instead of the circ desk until tuesday because of my arm. i’m also helping t-sensei with a project that’s less demanding than the gov doc one i’ve been doing.

yesterday, in addition to the earring conversation, he asked if i minded whether he told people i hurt my arm, when he explained the desk switch. i told him i couldn’t think of any reason to be embarrassed about it, and he said some people are just really private. then, with a wicked smile, he said, “of course, there are jokes that could be made about it.” and i smirked and said, “i’ve got one, but i’m not telling it at work.”

but, because you aren’t t-sensei, i’ll tell you what i told sohei upon being diagnosed last friday: “at least it wasn’t my wanking arm.”

my conversations with t-sensei tend to be amusing (to me), and today was no different.

him: “you’ve got new earrings.”
me: “mm-hm.”
him: “they’re pink.”
me: “yup.”
him: “and they match your shirt. which, i suppose, is no accident.”
me (laughing): “it certainly wasn’t.”

(i never wear earrings, but bought some kuromi ones to match the new cami i got. he’s very perceptive. )

oh. my. god. i love this!!!

apparently, fat people can count themselves among those who are indiscernible between each other. people at work who don’t know me keep calling me by the name of another fat girl who works here. this irritates me not because she outweighs me by at least 50 pounds, but because, frankly, i take care of myself and she doesn’t. here’s how i differ from that other girl:

i’m fat, but i can still walk around like a normal person. she can hardly walk.

i wear makeup and tend to things like breakouts and my eyebrows. she frequently has open sores on her face from picking at her zits, and does not wear makeup. one of her facial moles is literally sprouting hair.

i wear cute clothes that flatter my figure. she, um, doesn’t.

my hair is far from perfect, but it’s nice and short and out of my face. her hair is a shoulder-length, unkempt rat’s nest.

aside from being fat, we look nothing alike. our hair and eye color aren’t even nearly the same. she doesn’t even carry her weight like i do, as i’m definitely a pear – with a waist and everything – and she’s an apple – completely round. and i have a freaking lip ring for fuck’s sake, which you’d think would be enough to differentiate between us, even if we otherwise looked remotely similar.

so, this morning, when one of the librarians called me by her name, i turned on him and snapped that i wasn’t her, and my name was sarah. he looked kind of taken aback and apologized, and i said it was okay, but pointedly remarked that i’d been here for a year already and i’d think people would recognize me by now. at least from now on i’ll be known as the bitchy fat girl, which should at least make me slightly more recognizable.

seriously, what’s the point of even trying to look nice when people look at you and only see teh fat?

i’m home again today, but at least i made it to the doctor. repetitive stress injury. no using left arm for one week. i’ll be useless at work, but at least i’ll be there. i declined offers of pain meds and muscle relaxants, but picked up some tylenol arthritis medicine on the way home. (it had the highest dose of acetaminophen.) i’m feeling a little stupid because my shoulder still hurts like hell, but the doctor agreed that if i get pregnant, i should just take tylenol. i’m going to go rest now, because the medicine already wore off, and i can’t have more til 9:00.

life is (mostly) good. i know i’m an idiot for saying so and jinxing it, but whatevs.

first off, i am beyond ecstatic that obama will be our candidate for the general election. his speech was brilliant, of course, and i am looking forward to november. we’ll see if people are still idiots, i guess. i picked up the audacity of hope here at the library the other day, and just started it. i like his writing style, and it’s not as dry as i worried it might be. there’s just something about him i love. my cynicism seems silly when i read or hear what he has to say. he’s just so positive.

also, in other news, we may have a new tenant already. i really hope so. sohei lowered the rent by $200 to see if that would increase interest, and it did. if this guy checks out, we should be good to go. i can’t wait to be back in that house in a year, though. we’ll still have to sell it and move to hillsborough at some point, but i wish we could stay in it forever. not really much room for a baby, though. if he were working in pinellas county, maybe we could have bought a three-bedroom model in the same complex, but it just wouldn’t make sense. maybe someday we can have someone build us a house in riverview that’s almost exactly like that one…

and the reason i didn’t write about any of this sooner is that i was in excruciating pain all day yesterday. i couldn’t move my left arm, and even breathing made my shoulder blade hurt. needless to say, i didn’t make it to work. it still hurts today, but at least i can use my arm, so here i am at work. i suspect that my shoulder popped out and back in while i was asleep, as my joints have a tendency to do that. i have no idea why else my shoulder blade area would have hurt so badly out of nowhere. after a heaping helping of ibuprofen, i no longer want to die. so there’s that.

not much else going on, really.