okay, world, i get the idea. i’m obviously hideous to you in some way, and should start acting like the leper i so clearly am. i’ve learned my lesson, and i’ll never dare to act happy or confident again. at least not where anyone can see me. now i’m back in my dank cave, so no one has to look upon my terrible visage. christ.

t-sensei found my okcupid profile. that’s kind of embarrassing. not as embarrassing as it could have been, because i’m only on there for the tests. but still slightly blush-inducing. i knew he’s on there, too, but i’ve never gone looking for his profile, because it tells on you. which is how i know he saw mine…

i just heard back from the guy i interviewed, so i’ll be working on this damn paper for the rest of the weekend. but before i begin slaving away, i wanted to share this link.

they’re all really cute, and you can probably guess which my favorites are. my absolute favorite, however, was nightmare in pink. too cute.

it’s like the universe doesn’t want me to graduate. my laptop died in the middle of comps week and every time i’ve tried to write a research paper this semester, something’s gone wrong. well, this time is no different. i have to do an interview and write a paper about it by this sunday. t-sensei suggested i interview a friend of his, so i contacted him and he agreed to the interview. he wanted to be interviewed via email, so i sent him the questions first thing tuesday morning. i haven’t heard from him since. this morning, i sent him another email, asking whether he’d like to do the interview via phone, along with a gentle reminder that i need to get to work on my paper stat. i still haven’t heard from him. if i don’t get his reply to my questions by tomorrow morning, i’m fucked. as it is, i wanted to start working on the damn thing last night, but was willing to wait, since i’d only sent him the questions on tuesday. if he doesn’t reply, i don’t know what i’m going to do. it’s too late for me to try to interview anyone else at this point. if he didn’t have time or didn’t want to do it, i wish he’d have just said so.

why does this shit keep happening to me? i just want to do my goddamn work, get passing grades on everything, and fucking graduate already. it’s hard enough having to write my papers on my dinosaur of a pc without all this other bullshit. i guess if i don’t hear from him by tomorrow, i’ll have to beg my professor for mercy and ask for an extension. and even if i get said extension, it’s going to put me behind for the next paper, which is already turning out to be crap. the only library in town with a decent collection development policy is the law school, and i already did a paper on it. while i’m begging for that extension, i’ll have to also beg to be allowed to write about the law school again. god, i’m fucking sick of school.

i know i don’t talk about politics much anymore on here. i’ve been following everything, but have been kind of burned out. but i just finished listening to obama’s a more perfect union speech, and i am reminded of why i’ve supported him from day one. he is an amazing speaker, and i feel like i can truly believe what he says. i really hope he wins the election in november (if he can make it past hillary’s nonsense), because we could use a president like him.

i just realized the time didn’t update with dst again… i thought it used to do that automatically? anyway, i fixed it.

okay, i really like most of my coworkers, but i’m about ready to throttle some of them.

i was taking my lunch break in the subbasement, as usual, when someone rings the bell to be let in. i put my sandwich down and pause obama’s speech, and leave my cave to go answer the door. when i’m halfway to the door, i see one of the librarians, much nearer to the door than i was, just standing there like an idiot. i guess she was looking for something, i don’t know. i just stared at her kind of incredulously, then gave her a nasty look. what i wanted to say was, “is there some reason you couldn’t have opened the goddamn door, your highness?” instead, i let the two staff members in, one of whom is already working my last nerve, for other reasons. so i retreat back to my hidey hole and sit down and pick up my sandwich, and am poised to unpause the video when i notice the internet is out. again. (to keep the wireless working down here, you have to hold your laptop just so, and setting it down on a shelf often causes it to lose its signal. which is one reason i hate being interrupted.)

before i can toggle the damn internet back to life, the staff member i already dislike says she hates to bother me (and sounded about as sincere about it as i would be apologizing to her family for bludgeoning her to death with a bottle of coke) but could i open the shelves? now, the shelves are the compact, electronic variety, and are indeed a bitch to work with. but a fucking monkey could figure out how to work them. it’s not hard to understand, just a pain to execute. so i put my sandwich and laptop down. again. and spent an inordinate amount of time fucking with the nightmare shelving. then i went back to finish my lunch.

so i got up just now to use the restroom and i walk by the shelves and see that they left. them. closed. even though there is a sign on every. goddamn. shelf. to make sure the row is left open when finished. there is even a sign on the door reminding people to leave it open, or the antiquated climate system will stop working and the entire library will turn into an oven. and they just fucking left it for me to fix. well i ain’t spending ten minutes fixing it. when someone comes down here to figure out why the a/c isn’t working, i’ll just act like i hadn’t seen the shelves and tell them who was using them last. dumb bitch always leaves that row closed, and i always have to fix it. this time, i’m letting her get caught. i’m tired of picking up the slack for all the lazy fucks around here.

i’m feeling better. yada yada.

anyway, today was one of those days that felt like it’d be one i’ll look back on someday as kind of important. so i figured i’d share.

it didn’t seem like it was going to be a particularly good day. i had insomnia again last night, and so managed around four hours’ sleep. but it felt really good to be back at work. (i never thought i’d say that, either.) a lot of people were asking after me, etc. which was nice. and i had a workshop from 9 – 4 to look forward to. the workshop was really good and insightful, and i enjoyed it. it was about adapting to change, which i’m actually okay at. and we had to take this test to figure out what kind of work personalities we have or something. everyone was asking around about who got what, and it was pretty cute, because i had no idea my coworkers care about crap like that. i mean, i do, but you know. so, anyway, t-sensei comes over to see what i got, and i told him to guess, and he was spot on. i was kind of impressed. and then later, at lunch, a handful of us were discussing coping mechanisms, and t-sensei asked what i thought mine were. and i really didn’t know. and suchan (a nice girl from another dept) wanted to know, and asked t-sensei to guess. and he kind of begged off at first, but then said i have two: first, i’ll go hide in the subbasement, then sometimes i get fed up and say, “fuck this, i’ve fucking had it.” and i was laughing my ass off, because it’s so true. he called it. hiding and then going splodey are my coping mechanisms. so anyway, i was pretty surprised he seemed to know me so well, because most people really don’t.

and that was all nice, but here’s the part that got me squeeing with joy. after everyone left, he told me about these secret plans that a group of librarians are putting together, that they hope to have approved this week. (i’m not supposed to tell anyone, but blogging doesn’t count.) anyway, so there would basically be six different librarians with six different project areas, and a couple of departments – including mine – would be dissolved and people could choose which new department to join. i said i didn’t really care what i was doing, as long as i liked my supervisor and the people i was working with. and i said i didn’t see myself wanting to be supervised by anyone else. (i wasn’t kissing ass here, he’s seriously the best supervisor i’ve ever had.) and he said he’d be glad to keep me, but he thinks a different librarian is running something i’d like more. t-sensei will be running the desks and dealing with customer service, etc. which i’m good at, but don’t particularly enjoy.

this other librarian is running a project wherein every single library employee is interviewed and files are kept regarding their interests and skills, for future placement and inter-library job matching. there’s other stuff, too, but that will be the first big task. and he said he thought that project would be perfect for me to work on. i squealed. it’s perfect for me. i would freaking love working on something like that. and, if other parts of the plan come to fruition, i’d be paid more and have a different title and stuff. (again, i have no idea how t-sensei knew i’d love something like that when i’ve never indicated anything saying i would. apparently, he’s psychic.)

so i know it doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but this is a career path that i think has a lot of promise. it should look good resume-wise, too. i am so, so excited about it. i really hope they can get this plan approved, because the entire thing – not just my part – is going to make the library run so much better. this could be big, and i want a part in it.

and the girl with no self esteem is secretly thrilled that someone actually paid enough attention to her to know so much, and that same someone cares enough to want her to learn and thrive and be really, truly happy. i haven’t had a mentor in years. i forgot how lovely it is.

i’ve been sick in bed with stomach flu since late saturday/early sunday. i tried to go to work this morning, but only lasted a couple hours. so i’m pretty much going to stay in bed and rest til i’m feeling better. so that’s why no updates.

1. How old will you be in five years?
33

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
no one

3. How tall are you?
5′3.5″

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
juchan’s visit

5. What’s the last movie you saw?
um, that doctor strange movie, i think.

6. Who was the last person you called?
probably sohei. maybe my dad?

7. Who was the last person to call you?
um. not sure. (why do i even have a phone? i never use it…)

8. What was the last text message you received?
yahoo texts me the weather for clearwater every day, even though i have asked it not to, repeatedly.

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
don’t remember.

10. Do you prefer to call or text?
depends. neither, really.

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
sleeping

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
mum = dead, dad = remarried

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
alive = july ‘04, half-alive = october 21, ‘04, not alive = october 23, 04′?

14. What color are your eyes?
blue/grey

15. What time did you wake up today?
6:00

16. What are you wearing right now?
grey cami, jeans, various underthings, socks, beloved one stars

17. What song are you listening to right now?
beautiful – smashing pumpkins

18. Where is your favorite place to be?
tampa/st. pete. or the library.

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
right now, tallahassee. in general, anywhere other than my house.

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
dunno. japan?

21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years?
exurb hell (brandon or riverview, i’m betting), same marriage, still no kids, public library job if i’m incredibly lucky.

22. Where is your cellphone?
purse

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
i had nightmares about natural disasters a lot. i don’t remember being afraid of monsters or anything, though.

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com

25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
this is embarrassing. two in the living room (one is not being used, though, and resides on the floor), one in the bedroom, one in the loft.

26. How big is your bed?
double

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
at home and work, i have one of each. getting used to four different keyboards is annoying.

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
half-dressed

29. What color are your sheets?
beige

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
two

31. What is your favorite season?
fall

32. What do you like about fall?
cooler weather, and it seems to be an inspirational time of year for me.

33. What do you like about winter?
nothing?

34. What do you like about the summer?
again, pretty sure it’s nothing.

35. What do you like about spring?
the weather’s okay, and the whole being manic thing.

36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
three

37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
ames, nevada, jacksonville, sebring, atlanta/tucker, land o’ lakes, gainesville, clearwater, pinellas park, tallahassee

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
bare feet, except when i’m outside, then as little shoe as possible. (i hate when the soles of my feet get dirty.)

39. Are you a social person?
no

40. What was the last thing you ate?
apple cinnamon trail mix

41. What is your favorite restaurant?
here = old mexico, home = villartas, teresita, mykonos, mel’s (and boba and tanya’s, which aren’t quite restaurants, but whatever)

42. What is your favorite ice cream?
vermonty python, i think. (yay chocolate cows!)

43. What is your favorite dessert?
the better question is, what isn’t my favorite dessert?

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
homemade = taco, restaurant = black bean

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
raspberry

46. Do you like Chinese food?
too much.

47. Do you like coffee?
yeah, but it doesn’t like me.

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
one or two

49. What do you drink in the morning?
nothing

50. What was the name of your first pet?
doc doc (cat)

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
whichever side is away from the door. in our current house, that’d be the right side.

52. Do you know how to play poker?
not at all.

53. Do you like to cuddle?
yeah

54. Have you ever been to Mexico?
not yet

55. Do you have an addictive personality?
yes and no.

56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
home

57.
wha?

58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
the guy i stole this meme from, actually.

59. Do you want kids?
yes. yes yes yes.

60. Do you speak any other languages?
german, and very little spanish, french, and japanese.

61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
nope

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
yeah, when i dislocated my knee, and it was totally unnecessary.

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
depends.

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
i prefer not to be on the fucking plane.

65. Do you know how to drive stick?
no

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
video games, food, random cute things, music

67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
lip ring

68. What is your favorite TV show?
right now, corner gas.

69. Can you roll your tongue?
i guess

70. Who is the funniest person you know?
everyone i know is pretty much funny to some degree. no one particularly stands out though. juchan’s pretty funny, coz she’s random like me.

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
one

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
it’s either scarecrow (meg lee chin) or happy birthday (the birthday massacre).

73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
i think they’re around somewhere.

74. What red object is closest to you right now?
books. i’m in a library, you know?

75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
sure do

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
open, but it doesn’t matter.

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
a bear, mainly for the irony. besides, if i were to die in the attack, i think a bear would finish the job faster.

78. Do you flirt a lot?
i don’t mean to

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
sweet and sour sauce, or mashed potatoes and country gravy

80. What is your favorite food?
so many…

81. Do you know how to change the oil in a car?
haha no

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
no, just for denting the back of a truck when trying to park.

83. Have you ever run out of gas?
not in my car, but when i was a passenger in misty’s car, we ran out of gas in downtown st. pete. which was awesome.

84. What is your usual bedtime?
11-12 on weeknights

85. What was the last book you read?
i don’t remember which i finished last… but i’m reading maldoror and america the book right now. if comic books count, i finished thunderbolts last night.

86. Do you read the newspaper?
no

87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
no, just some comic books. (fell, lenore, kabuki.)

88.
okay, now you’re just fucking with me.

89. Do you watch soap operas?
no

90. Do you dance in the car?
i practice belly rolls and chest thrusts at stoplights. i need help.

91. What radio station did you last listen to?
99 hank fm, bitches.

92. Who’s in the picture frame closest to you?
there are none about.

93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
the address of the apostilling office i think.

94. What is your favorite candle scent?
vanilla

95. What is your favorite board game?
don’t think i’ve ever met a board game i didn’t like.

96.
you know what? fuck you, meme.

97. When was the last time you attended church?
oh wow. no idea.

98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
ms. reeves (art) or mr. fischer (psychology)

99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
a weekend, i think.

100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
um. without a lot of complaining? huh.

well, this is sad news.

playing rpgs is one of my favorite things to do. i was introduced to rpgs when i was 15, and my friend matt and i played shadowrun during p.e. and i’ll never forget my favorite d&d game ever, which i guess i’ll share, since i obviously don’t have any personal anecdotes re: gary gygax.

when we lived in clearwater, we got together with friends a lot to game. on one such occasion, we decided to play d&d. i’m pretty sure jason was the gm. anyway, we were a large group of pretty diverse character types, and i was playing a sorcerer or something with a cat for a familiar. the last battle centered around a very difficult to beat dragon. everyone was beating the crap out of it, and my pathetic character with low hit points was standing on the outskirts throwing spells and whatnot. so then i decide to send my familiar into the fray, and do that spell where the familiar does damage for you. the cat ran forward and valiantly touched the dragon with its paw, whereupon the dragon dropped dead. yeah, everyone pretty much wanted to kill me, but it was freaking hilarious. hey, i didn’t know the dragon was about to die, did i?

anyway, gary gygax’s contribution to the world is one that means a lot to me, and i thank him for that.

this is pretty much for juchan, but i thought i’d share it considering what a downer i’ve otherwise been. anyway, just go.

ju-chan’s visiting this friday, so i took the day off. it’s been a year since i last saw her, i think. that’s weird. it’s been longer than that since i saw dad, maybe. she’s staying in orlando, so it’ll just be the one day. which is just as well, i guess, since i don’t like asking for time off around here.

i haven’t been blogging much… i’m just kind of tired of talking. nana and dad keep trying to get in touch with me, but i haven’t responded yet. what am i supposed to say? hey, my life’s exactly the same as it always is. there’s usually a lot of pretending, and i haven’t felt like it lately.

yesterday, the head of the department was bemoaning the fact that everyone thinks she’s mean, and was asking around about what we thought, in a casual way. and when she asked me, i didn’t even have a chance to say anything before she jumped in and said, “i don’t know why i’m asking you, you’ll just say i am [nice] because i’m your boss.” uh, no, actually i’d have been perfectly happy to be honest with you if i could’ve got a word in. which is probably for the better, i guess, since honesty doesn’t go over real well here. just ask t-sensei or that bitchy old lady if i don’t speak my mind to my “superiors.” t-sensei has, in fact, told me to be careful what i say or how i say things, because this place is full of people even weirder than me, and no one can take anything the right way. anyway, my point originally was that everyone apparently knows what i’m going to say all the time, so what’s the point in opening my goddamn mouth?

you know what’s funny? even when i do say things, people seem to hear what they think i was going to say, regardless of what i actually said. do you know what it’s like to not exist? i’m pretty sure i do.

things are very up in the air right now, too. i’ve slipped back into apathy. i’m graduating, but there’s nowhere for me to go. i don’t have any plans for the future, except to hope that it’ll suck less. i’ll just let myself get dragged along, like i usually do. i don’t know what to do with my life anyway. i know what i wanted it to be, but i can’t cut it.