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neko seems to be doing much better after her shot. the swelling over her eye has gone down, and she just has some scabby bits here and there from her scratching. her ears are still raw, but i think she’ll be back to normal soon. the shot is only temporary, unfortunately. we can determine whether her allergy is airborne or food-related depending on how fast the shot wears off. i’m hoping it’s food, because the shot is $40, and i can’t afford it as often as she may need it… i mean, i can keep the house clean, but i can’t do a lot about the dog bringing pollen in with him and stuff. i guess we’ll see what happens. i hope she never gets like that again, though. i always feel so bad for animals when they’re sick or in pain, because they don’t seem to understand what’s happening to them, and there’s not much they can do about it.

well, that was fast. sohei already ruined my mood. i’m writing from my iPod so I don’t have the patience to go into it. y’all know the drill by now anyway. I’m not allowed to be happy or celebrate my rare victories. I don’t know why I even strive for anything. I never get to enjoy it.

i’m writing a 10-15 page paper this weekend. thankfully, i had the foresight to take tomorrow off, coz it’s not done yet. it takes a lot of time to write a paper on a broken laptop. i’m kind of tired of never having good weekends.

i talked to juchan for a long time today, and she’s probably going to stop by on the 7th while she’s in florida. i emailed t-sensei for the day off, but haven’t gotten a reply yet.

holy shit, i’m bored. i haven’t been able to play any games on my laptop for almost a month now, and i can’t really do anything too time-consuming while taking the breaks required for it to cool down.

the other day, i read something, and it’s still making me feel queasy whenever i think about it. i’ll spare you the same fate and not tell you what it was. but, damn, i wish you could selectively forget things once in a while.

there’s some other thing on my mind, but i have to go eat now. damn.

i got my one stars! sooo happy. i knew if i went ahead and bought new shoes, the one stars would come back. (at least the other shoes were cheap, and i still plan on wearing them.) they’re so small (6.5, men’s size. i love buying men’s shoes.) and black and suede, with stars on the sides…

i also got some compressed air to try to clean out the vents on my laptop. didn’t make a difference. i’m pretty sure the fan’s shot. it died last week right in the middle of the whole comps thing. it wasn’t so bad during the research parts, but i had to keep shutting my computer down while writing so it wouldn’t overheat, and it was a pretty bad interruption. i don’t think the paper flowed as smoothly as it might have. speaking of, i have to shut the computer down, because it’s getting all hot again. the warranty just ran out on the damn thing, so i have to figure out where to take it to get fixed. i was thinking of doing it myself, since it’s just a fan, but i’m not going to risk a $2000 laptop over what’ll probably be a $100 repair. this really sucks. why couldn’t this have happened after this last goddamn semester. or, even more crazy, not have happened at all. sigh.

last night i was watching tv, and a target commercial came on and it had a one star theme. and i’m like, no way. and at the end, they showed one stars. i about gave sohei a heart attack when i started shouting and pointing at the tv. one stars! if you’ll recall, i was obsessed with finding them for a while, but ultimately gave up. i went to target’s website today, and they don’t have anything like the originals in womens, but the mens section has a style that’s very similar to the old-school ones. so i will be going to target after work today. joy!

also, i hurt my back this morning and i can hardly move. w00t.

between reading a lot of fat acceptance stuff recently, and sohei mentioning diabetes every time i go to the kitchen, i’ve had food/health/weight on the brain recently. t-sensei talks about it all the time, too, seems like. so this morning i’m in his office and we’re chatting per usual, and he starts talking about how he’d resolved to lose ten pounds to get down to 180. and i was telling him that if he’d been trying and couldn’t, not to feel bad, because his body seemed to have settled at its current weight, and there’s not a lot to be done about it. and blah blah blah, we kept talking about that stuff. and then he says this friend of his keeps trying to give him advice and she has to be like 230 pounds. i can never tell whether my face is betraying what i’m thinking, but in this case it didn’t matter, because i said, “you know, you can exercise and eat right and still be that weight.” meaning that her weight didn’t automatically preclude her from knowing about nutrition and health. in fact, if you want to know about that area, there’s no one better to ask than a fat chick, because she’s probably read just about every goddamn piece of literature out there on what it takes to lose weight. so, aside from being irate with t-sensei, i felt kind of proud of myself. 1) because i’d actually said what was on my mind and 2) when he was talking like someone who weighed that much didn’t know jack, i figured he didn’t know i weighed about that much, and instead of feeling all happy with myself that i didn’t look like i weigh as much as i do, i stayed righteously angry. whereas the old me would probably have been, “hey, he thinks fat chicks don’t understand stuff, but who cares, because he doesn’t lump me in with them!” upon further reflection, however, i reckon it’s just as likely that being in that special group, “married and matronly” makes it okay to talk about people who look like i do, because who cares what i look like? (when you’re married, it seems, you cease to exist as an entity that is autonomous and therefore your opinions and appearance carry less weight. or maybe they never matter, but just seem to matter more when someone is looking to get into your pants.)

or, perhaps he was referring to me as “this friend” and i’m too stupid to realize it. in which case, i’m going to march right into his office this afternoon and punch him.

there was some other thing i was going to talk about, but i forgot… i guess i’ll have to share that particular pearl of wisdom later.

i’m still having weird dreams. i mean, weirder than usual. the other night, i dreamed i was carrying zoe around, but she didn’t look like she usually does in my dreams and stuff. she was blonde and blue-eyed, like me. and i kept talking to her and being silly, and it was all very nice. but i woke up to find i was holding the blanket, and sohei was pulling on it, and not being fully awake, i held onto it tighter, then felt sad when i realized it was a dream. no zoe. just blanket. and then a couple nights ago, i dreamed my mum was dying again. except this time she could talk and stuff and was telling me she was going to die. which didn’t do a lot to make me feel better when she did die. i was pretty depressed for a while after that one.

i’m tired of working. thankfully, i’ll be graduating in a few months, which will cut down the workload considerably. my job isn’t too stressful except for the stupid volunteer program, but school sure is. i’ve been buying stuff when i’m stressed lately, i’ve noticed. not a good habit, but next on this list will be this and this. it’s weird, but i’ve bought more books while working in a library than i ever have before. it’s kind of retarded, but that’s the way it is.

guess i’d better get back to work. at least there’s a corner gas marathon which kind of takes the edge off.

there’s no way this is constitutional. sohei?