i’ve been into the fat chick feminist blogs recently, even if they routinely discuss things that are depressing and infuriating. and i was reading this one post about how often fat-phobia is related to misogyny. since i’m not a guy, i don’t know how difficult it is for a man to be fat. from my perspective, it seems like they don’t get fucked with as much as women do. how many “no fat dudes” bumper stickers and t-shirts have you ever seen? or internet communities, for that matter. also, aside from prevention, how many men’s magazines do you see with tips on losing weight? like aging, i don’t think guys deal with as much crap about weight as women do. fat people, in general, are considered lazy, slovenly, and stupid, apparently. so people are disgusted by us despite gender. however, it seems like fat women aren’t only viewed with disgust, but often outright hatred.

why do people loathe fat women?

i have some theories. for one thing, it just bugs people in general when you have it better than they do. if you look like you don’t care what people think of you, that means you have less to worry about than they do. (i found this to be true even when i wasn’t fat. i’d dress however i felt like and do crazy shit with my hair, and some people seemed actively pissed off about it.) of course, plenty of fat women are concerned with what people think of them, but that couldn’t possibly be, because then they’d do something about it. right? i mean, anyone can lose weight. all you have to do is eat less and exercise.

which brings me to my next theory. fat folks cause some kind of cognitive dissonance in a lot of people. which in turn makes these dumb animals people scared and angry. why would anyone choose to be fat? good question. if dieting was some miracle cure, no one would be obese. but seeing as diets have a failure rate from between 95-98%, it’s obviously not that easy, is it? (fyi, the “eat less” weight loss theory is bs. thanks to my stomach problems, i don’t eat much of anything all day, more than likely consuming less calories than many thin people.) gee, if only i could have the kind of self control that would allow me to be happy eating plain chicken breast on vinegared lettuce, and going to bed hungry the rest of my life.

and here’s where more of the loathing and misogyny come in. fat chicks don’t have the discipline to starve themselves or eat bland food, so they’re bad. just like girls who have sex because they like it are bad. and just as those dirty sluts are punished with disease and pregnancy, a woman who likes to eat is punished with ugly, ugly fat. we deserve this scorn because we’re enjoying ourselves, which is clearly some kind of sin and not at all allowed. women can’t enjoy sex or food or anything else! so those that “obviously” do should be punished and heaped with scorn and derision. even if the fat woman in question doesn’t indulge in lots of tasty food, she looks like she does, and that’s enough.

i have more thoughts on this, but they’ll have to wait, coz i’ve got work to do.

for the past two mornings, there’s been ice on my windshield. the first time, i was thrown into abject panic. (i like being early for work, okay?) floridians, as a rule, don’t own ice scrapers. i tried scraping it off with my gate key, to no avail. then sohei rationally pointed out that the defroster would be helpful in this situation, and it was. the ice was pretty thin, coz it melted in a couple minutes. i used to think i liked cold, but i’m not too sure about that now. i hate hot, too, though. just give me temperate with a breeze. there’s no way i can go back to iowa, i guess. and then i wondered how cold it must be in canada, land of the generally awesome. so i added saskatoon to my ipod weather thing. holy shit, guys. i don’t know how you stand it. i get whiny when it drops below 40 here. (below 40, not 40 below, obviously.)

what’s really stupid is that i was oblivious re: cold when i lived in iowa. (birth – nearly 7 y.o.) do kids just not notice cold or what? i played outside in the snow for as long as my mum let me. of course, i had slacks and sweaters and snow pants and a huge coat and a snot-encrusted scarf and puffy mittens and boots and a hat my mum made me with little ear flaps. nowadays i have jeans and a cami, slip-on shoes, a hoodie, and a threadbare camo jacket. maybe i should let someone else dress me. apparently it was really, really freezing the night my sister was born. it was late, and so cold outside that the usual bundling wouldn’t suffice. in addition to all that, i was zipped up in a sleeping bag and carried to the car. (it was christmas, and no one was around to watch me, so i got to go to the hospital.) i don’t remember how cold it was, but that was the only time i remember being thrown into a sleeping bag when there weren’t any tornadoes about.

and now another thought occurs. when we were in nc for christmas a couple years ago, it snowed, and we walked around in it all afternoon. i was cold, but not “oh my god i’m going to die” cold. maybe it’s just too early in the morning for that kind of thing.

not sure why i’m writing. didn’t get much done today, because the weather was crap as usual. i’m thinking of going to the ymca down the street tomorrow, because they have this deal for january where you don’t have to pay the sign up fee or whatever. it’s not at all far away, and on the way home from work, so i’m hoping it’ll work out. there’s a pool and classes that sound fun, including a belly dance class on wednesdays. since my old class disbanded when the teacher left, that’ll be nice. i’m kind of stuck, especially since i only went to a few classes to begin with. anyway, i need to do some kind of exercise thing, or i’ll have to diet.

oh, and obama won another primary. the race between him and hillary is getting way too nerve wracking for me. i don’t hate hillary or anything, but i think obama will make the better president. and i’m still pissed that my vote isn’t going to count. i need to check and see what’s on the local ballot so if i do drag my ass to the polls on tuesday, i’ll know which buttons to push. i’d feel bad about not voting at all, after all the trouble my foremothers went through, you know?

damn, i’m sleepy. having the heater on tends to do that to me, though.

[don't know whether anyone cares, but buffy spoilers ahead.]

i’m not sure whether i’ve ever mentioned it on here, but sohei and i got into watching buffy a little while back. we didn’t watch it when it was first on, but started watching it in syndication. since it was only on twice a week, we got impatient and started buying the dvds. we’re on season five, and last night we watched the episode where joyce dies. i don’t think i’ve ever seen such a realistic depiction of death and the feelings that surround it. it was like reliving mum’s last days. how you focus on the smallest, weirdest things, and nothing seems real. how heartbreaking and terrifying it is to see your mother lying there, eyes open, unable to respond to you. gone forever. and everyone tells you she didn’t feel pain, even though you know damn well that brain hemorrhages hurt really, really bad. and as far as realism, the other characters’ reactions were spot on. for me, anyway. watching dawn crumple up in a heap on the floor, just like i did, upon hearing the news. feeling so distraught that you wish you could just lay down and die, too. and feeling like nothing you’re doing is right or appropriate, and blaming the doctors and wanting to put your fist through a wall. even down to those weird thoughts you have, like the fact that she just isn’t there anymore. she won’t ever eat or smile or answer the phone, and you just can’t understand it. it’s too much to comprehend. i cried harder than i have since it all happened, a little over three years ago. if you’re lucky enough to not know what it’s like losing one of the most beloved people in your life, and, for some reason, you want to, watch that episode. and if you have lost someone and you’re stupid enough to relive it like i did, you’ll find yourself saying, “i did that. i felt that. i said that.” and crying your goddamn eyes out. in a world of cliche death scenes, that particular episode was far, far too real.

[i tried to post this a couple of days ago at work, but my work laptop hasn't been letting me sign into my blog, so i emailed this entry to myself. in the time since then, i've become properly depressed.]

why do i have to be so tired all the time? i never finish what i start. and i never pay enough attention to people i care about. how hard is it to email someone, seriously? it used to be, i thought i was tired coz i hated my job. but i don’t hate this job, and i’m still exhausted. i get home and instead of calling my dad or replying to email or doing my chores or working on school stuff, i slump down on the couch and doze off or watch tv til it’s time to go to bed. between the fatigue and physical stuff, i’d think i was depressed. if i am, it’s not like usual. i mean, i feel down, but a lot of that is from a sense of guilt because i never do anything. maybe it’s the weather, i don’t know.

mainly, i’m embarrassed because it’s been really hard to fake it lately. like i find myself saying stuff, and it comes out way harsher than i meant it to. it’s like it’s gotten to the point where the part of me that wants total isolation has decided to take over and sabotage any attempt at normalcy. people make obvious attempts to reach out to me, and i hide in the subbasement or snap at them. the other day at the grocery store, i was trying to get to the peanut butter, and a lady was standing in front of it, and when i said “excuse me” it came out all wrong. i wasn’t like “move it” or anything, but i was snappish rather than polite. and of course the lady was really nice. i can’t ever be short with someone who’s an asshole, apparently. actually, i probably have, but didn’t feel guilty about it, so i didn’t notice. and there’s this girl at work i know i’d totally get along with, and she’s so nice to me, but i can’t initiate conversation with her. when she talks to me, it’s “good morning” and “that’s a nice shade of lipstick, what kind is it?” or something, and i’m awful at small talk, so i go on about how i don’t usually wear lipstick and i can’t remember what kind it is, and finally just shut up, because i’ve already said too much. some days, i think about taking my lunch break in the break room like a normal person, but most of the time i head back downstairs because it’s easier and not as scary. it’s more sad and guilt-inducing, but easier.

i guess i can see why i might be feeling crappy. i guess that’s what blogs are for. mine, anyway.

man, that chick has it in for me or something now, apparently. we were in a meeting with t-sensei and she says, for no reason, that i had left my laptop behind at one point when i’d gone to ask her about something. seriously, it had nothing to do with anything, and she just blurts it out. also, that is a huge no-no, since the laptops cost about $3000 a piece, which is why i’ve never left it anywhere but the locker. i just turned to her somewhat incredulously and said that i’d never done that. she’s going to try to get me in trouble because i wouldn’t give her a ride?? (if you think i’m taking this too seriously, understand that i’m not exaggerating when i say that we get in a lot of trouble for leaving the laptops lying around.) she actually lost hers once, and i didn’t tell anyone. i wouldn’t have even thought to tattle about it. (someone else in our department found it and gave it back. if i were more petty, i would have brought that up in response to her outright lie.)

i mean, she’s pulled similar shit before when she was unhappy with me. like the morning she was later than usual (she’s five minutes late every day to start with), and she tries to deflect criticism by saying i “snuck out” the night before. one, i didn’t sneak out. two, way to try to get me in trouble. it’s like she makes up these blatant lies about me to make herself look better. she’s even done that in freaking meeting minutes she takes for a committee we’re both on. i’ve tried to ignore how annoying she is, but i’m getting kind of sick of it.

okay, am i being a jerk? one of my coworkers asked me for a ride to her car today, and i didn’t want to, because:

a) i don’t know the location of the parking lot her car is in, and driving places i don’t know how to get to freaks me out. especially on campus, where you have students darting out in front of your car constantly, etc. and i don’t know how to get on the road home from there, either.

b) the fuel light came on in my car this morning, and i can’t really go out of my way, particularly if i stand the very real chance of getting lost. if i ran out of gas on campus, i’d be pretty well fucked.

c) she moves so. slowly. i was ten minutes late leaving last time i gave her a ride. she just stands around talking to people, and taking forever to collect her stuff. i had somewhere to be that day, and told her so, but she just dawdled around.

i gave her a ride to her car once before, at a different lot, and anyone with half a brain would have noticed how panicky i was. i kept trying to hint that i really didn’t want to do it, but she either didn’t get the hint or just didn’t give a shit. after today, i’m guessing the latter. i didn’t come right out and say no last time, because she hadn’t really put it to me like a question. and when i went to drop her off, she yelled at me coz i wasn’t in the lane right next to the lot, which pissed me off, because i’d freaking told her i didn’t know where the fuck it was, and it’s impossible to change lanes when driving on campus. there’s too much traffic.

so today she asked me if i’d give her a ride to her car, and i didn’t answer right away. i didn’t have to, apparently, because she pulled her map out to show me where the lot was, once again assuming i’d do it. even with the map, i had no idea where the lot was. the maps here suck, and there’s no indication of what building you’re at, unless you read the confusing key at the bottom. not helpful. i was kind of aggravated, so i left without saying anything and went downstairs to take my lunch break. i decided to just email her – i’m less likely to go crazy and wreck someone’s shit when i’m telling someone something in writing.

Hey xxxx,

I wasn’t very straightforward about this last time, because I’m kind of embarrassed about it, but I’ve pointed out before that driving makes me panicky. It’s kind of a phobia. I’m always glad to do just about anything to help you out, but going a route I don’t usually go makes me irrationally fearful, even if it’s less than a mile. Also, even if I weren’t crazy, my fuel light is on, and I can’t really go out of my way today, coz I need to fill my car stat. I didn’t have time this morning. A lot of people leave at the same time we do, though, so I’m sure you can find a ride with xxx or someone. Sorry!

[gish]

so she replies with:

No problem. I will walk fast to the car to make it somewhere on time. I have to get gas this afternoon too. Hope you get some on the way home…

xxxx

um, okay. since she usually tells me her plans in excruciating detail (i heard all about the dentist visit she went to this morning, and typically hear about an upcoming doctor appointment all day, for example), i doubt she has anywhere to be but home. even so, considering i was pretty open about my reason for not helping her out, i don’t really think that was necessary. not to mention, there’s no reason she couldn’t have asked someone else for a ride, like i suggested. four other people leave at the same damn time we do.

yeah, i dragged this out because i’m pretty irritated, but, seriously, was i being a jerk for saying no? i’m just getting tired of being walked over all the time, you know? (t-sensei and i had a lengthy meeting about that yesterday.)

last night, sohei found some very old pictures of us from back in the day. i was so small in some of them. i’ve gotten really good at not caring about my weight, because i know it’s unrealistic to want to look like someone else. but seeing myself at that size makes it more difficult to rationalize. i obviously can be that thin, because i was, once upon a time. of course, i was smoking like a chimney and eating one hot pocket and a handful of chips every day. (i didn’t eat lunch back then, either, and our dinners were far smaller, because we couldn’t afford food.) even when i was dieting, i wasn’t even close to being that small again. i’ve really fucked up my metabolism i guess. what makes it even more depressing is that when i was still living at home, my mum was calling me fat, and i totally believed it. looking at the pictures, i obviously wasn’t. the only time my weight was okay with her was the summer after i moved out, and we were literally going to bed hungry because we couldn’t get food stamps.

i wish i could go back and live those years over again. i wasted so much time hating myself, and there was nothing wrong with me. now i am, undeniably, fat. and i’ll probably keep getting fatter. i was coming to terms with that, but those pictures made me feel pretty awful. sure, sohei gained 50 pounds since then, but he was underweight. very. now he looks normal, with a bit of a tum. i look like a blob.

i can’t believe i’m getting so bummed out about this again, when i know there’s nothing i can realistically do about it.

i know i complain too much. it’s not like i have anyone else to talk to about it, though. you try being sick all the time. unless you are, and aren’t at all cranky. then tell me how you do it.

anyway.

the other day at work, i told t-sensei how my sick leave policy would be from now on, and he wanted to know who approved my plan, and i told him i live by my own rules. i wonder when he’ll get tired of my sass and fire me. i’d hate to be my boss.

i keep having epiphanies about things and promptly forgetting them. i guess i didn’t spend enough time “finding myself” when i was a teenager, like i was supposed to. more likely, i took that term completely the wrong way – as is my wont – and now i have a lot of catching up to do. apparently finding yourself makes you blind figuratively as well.

my dad is an amputee, so is it wrong that i find this website so entertaining? (to be fair, i forget most of the time that dad is missing half a leg and, to my knowledge, he has never prayed for it to grow back.)

when i quit smoking this time, i did it without any help, because i had such a bad reaction to the patch the first time. i had really bad, vivid nightmares. and panic attacks. but i’ve been having a lot of dreams and nightmares lately, some of them still quite vivid. i’ve been dreaming about mum a lot again, for one thing. and last night i had this weird nightmare about watching the presidential candidates on tv and they kept saying all this weird stuff. and poor elizabeth edwards (who has cancer in real life dontchaknow) was being interviewed after her husband was done talking and she was really thin and haggard looking. and i felt really sad, because i like her even when i’m awake.

oh why does pizza make me feel so sick?

school’s going alright coz it’s off to a slow start. slow is good. i will be so relieved when this semester is over and i freaking graduate.

i guess i’d better go downstairs and see what sohei wants. we can’t play rock band after 9:00 because our neighbors complain no matter how much we turn it down, so that’s out.

head… ow… not work good. i stayed home from work today and pretty much slept a lot. and despite it being nine o’ clock, i’m going back to bed soon. the only thing keeping me downstairs on the couch right now is that sohei’s watching the skinny puppy concert dvd, and i can’t seem to tear my eyes away from ogre. if there’s a more attractive human being on the planet, i don’t know who it is. i don’t usually dig on famous people, but god damn, is that man sexay. he makes filth look gooood. i wish we had the dvd from when dwayne was still alive, because he’s a pretty close second.

ugh, et tu, guts?

okay, enough ogre worship i guess. i go sleep more now. or not. i know i’m a hypochondriac and all, but i don’t seem at all well lately. for reals. usually, i have some disease to associate with my psychosomatic symptoms, but not this time. also, i usually get all scared. i’m not afraid. i just hurt really bad in a lot of places pretty much all the damn time and i can’t stop sleeping. it’s kind of like being very depressed, but without the feelings of sad. also, like having a broken rib and stony gall bladder and pancreatitis and cramps and headache and legs and feet hurt hurt hurt. and it makes me so tired. i think i’m not scared of being sick anymore because i kind of wish i’d just never be sick again, you know? like if one of these things were it, that would be fine.

enough of that. i’m tired of sounding emo or whatever. i was wishing i were dead before it was cool, fuckers.

i found a link to this in my gmail. i usually ignore the ads they put on the side, but i can’t ignore boba tea. it never occurred to me to look for boba supplies online. i don’t think there’s anywhere in tallahassee that does milk tea, and i’ve missed it lots. there was this neat restaurant down the street from my old house that served it, and i liked to visit boba cafe when i was in tampa. so until i move back home, maybe this is an option. sohei likes boba, too, so maybe i can talk him into it.

it’s another cold, rainy tallahassee day. part of me wishes i’d stayed home in bed. although, so far, today has been less terrible than the past couple of days have been. and, despite the shite weather, i’m going to lunch at the suwannee room for lunch today. the menu is too good to resist, and i have a coupon.

last night i was looking for work back home, and there were a couple of good ones. i’m looking at public libraries right now, coz the state university budget’s awful, and no one’s hiring. it made me sad, though. i’m going to miss it here. there are pros and cons to working at public or academic libraries. i like the academic environment way more, but there’s also a lot more responsibility. and i don’t do well with that. you pretty much have to teach or manage people at the academic level, and i’m not keen on either. but there are always things to do, it seems like. at public libraries, you have to deal with more irritating patrons, but there’s not a lot expected of you, either. it can get boring, though, because there’s not often much to do, and most of the reference questions have to do with working the printers. there are special libraries to consider, though, i guess. like museum and newspaper archiving, etc. i don’t have to work at a library. we’ll see what happens, i guess.

the other day, i was thinking back to when i was 7. there was a small walk-in closet in my room, which i used as something of an office. i was determined to start a neighborhood library with some other kids (i am not joking about this), so i sat in my office and cut up paper into strips and put them in my books as due-date slips. i didn’t have date stamps, though, so i used my zoo animal stamp set. when mum figured out what i was up to, though, she put a stop to it. she said if i lent my books out, i’d never see them again. it’s funny how things turn out, isn’t it? now i get to stamp things every day, with actual date stamps. i also get to ride the elevator lots, though that’s starting to lose it’s luster. if my pretend office activities were any indication of what i’d grow up to be – and they obviously were – i could’ve also been a tailor, witch, or keyboard player. (in other words, i also played with my toy sewing machine, pretended i knew magic, and goofed around with my mini electric keyboard in that tiny room.) i was a weird kid.

i reckon i’d better go do some actual work before lunchtime, or i won’t be allowed to use the stamps anymore.

i can’t remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe i just misunderstood

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories i will never find

so i’ll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we’ve done
i think our lives have just begun
i think our lives have just begun

and i feel my world crumbling
I feel my life crumbling
i feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you’re breathing in
i know i won’t forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

all of the love we threw away
all of the hopes we cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again

i can feel my world crumbling
i can feel my life crumbling
i can feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

all of the love we’ve left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories i will never find
memories i will never find

muse – falling away with you

i can’t keep going on like this. i’m so tired. the abdominal pain is getting so bad it’s overshadowing the rib/thoracic pain. add to that the everyday aches and pains that go with my job, and it’s more than i can stand. i briefly dislocated the knuckle of my middle finger yesterday (it wasn’t from over-use – this time.) and today the area between my middle and index finger is bruised and swollen. my new shoes have been giving me blisters, too. and i’m just exhausted.

school started this week, and aside from doing some of the readings, i haven’t got much else done. what with fighting with sohei after work the last two nights, i didn’t have the time or inclination to do any of it. and of course things aren’t going very well at work, either. i’m really close to just dropping this stupid volunteer program. i was supposed to “fire” this moron yesterday, but he only has a couple weeks to finish his hours for probation or whatever. i should have told him to go fuck himself and that it’s not my problem, but i couldn’t. so instead i told him to just hurry up and finish before t-sensei gets back next thursday. when i told one of the supervisors about it yesterday, i could tell he was kind of disappointed with me for not being more firm, and i know a couple of my coworkers won’t be happy about this, either. which sucks, because i really like them. so i know i fucked up, but i can’t really go and fire him now, as i already told him he could finish his hours here.

i’m going to have to manage people when i’m a librarian, you know? and i’m fucking terrible at it. i can’t tell people what to do with any kind of authority, and i can’t fire them. not that it’ll matter much anyway, because there’s no work back home right now. it won’t matter how bad i am at managing if i have no one to manage.

ugh, the coke is doing nothing but making me sick. i’m still falling asleep sitting up, but now with impending sick gut noises. i wish i’d just stroke out and die already. know what would help that right along? smoking.

apparently, i was in need of some shopping therapy. i went to the mall to get a pair of shoes (that’s one pair) and check the toy store to see if they had any kuromi stuff. the toy store – only retailer of sanrio stuff in this podunk town – is closed. but payless was not, and so i bought suede mary janes (sohei does love mary janes) and these strappy shoes that i’m likely to kill myself in. gish does not do well in shoes with heels, even if said heels are wedge-like. and both pairs were on sale, so that only cost me about $30.

then i went to hot topic and got a shirt that was pretty much made for me. it screamed gish, so even though it wasn’t on sale, i totally bought it. i also bought some lace gloves, which i’ve wanted since i was, like, nine. (i’ve wanted these forever, too, but i didn’t see them there or i’d totally have bought them.)

then i went to penney’s in search of a new purse. i found the perfect one pretty much right away, but the tag said $48, so, lower lip quivering, i put it back. (you don’t know how long i’ve been looking for a decent, semi-professional-looking black purse. this is why it’s impossible to shop with me. i get an idea of what i want in my head, and i won’t buy anything until i see “it.” this is why it took three months to find a little black dress for my wedding.) anyway, i kept looking around, and didn’t see anything nearly as cool, so i went back to say goodbye to the bag that wasn’t to be, and noticed it was on a (poorly marked) clearance rack for 60% off! juchan’s force must have been with me, because things like that don’t happen when she’s not around. it was one of the cheapest purses there, too. so it ended up being $18, and i was a very happy bunny. it’s black leather with buckles on the sides and a chain like the one on my favorite skirt for a handle. i’ll take a pic later, maybe.

so i had an unusually successful mall trip. yesterday’s kind of sucked. oh, and i ordered a kuromi wallet and cosmetic bag to match my planner. (the planner’s not online for some reason, but it looks just like the other stuff.)

i should be pretty much set until the summer. i tend to buy clothes in the summer and shoes and accessories in the winter. dunno why. it’s fun to have a bit of a shopping spree a couple times a year, though.

The Recipe For gish

3 parts Genius 2 parts Devilry 1 part Desire Splash of Warmth Sip slowly on the beach

What Gish Means

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life. You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone. Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don’t appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It’s easy to get you excited… which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don’t stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are the total package – suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don’t always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don’t have as much going for them as you do. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you… especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You’re a strong person.

What Sarah Means

You are the total package – suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don’t always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don’t have as much going for them as you do. You are usually the best at everything … you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic “Type A” personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You’re always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can’t handle you. You’re very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you’re likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you… especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You’re a strong person.

i think “gish” is more accurate, don’t you?

so i’m on break, and i’m reading this thing on skinny puppy, and see this: “…and most of the time they [cevin and dwayne] had to press him [ogre] to explain his often deeply personal and convoluted lyrics to them.” see, sohei?! as you all know from reading my horrible poetry (which rivals only the vogons’ in crapulence) i prefer a stream-of-consciousness style, which sohei says doesn’t make a damn bit of sense. i’ve written my poetry this way since the 6th grade or so, and none of my teachers had a problem with it. except the ones about suicide and stuff. they didn’t like those too much. but, hey, they had to have understood my poetry if it was disturbing enough to earn a trip to the guidance counselor’s office! another big fat nyah! to you, sohei.

so, anyway, i pointed out to sohei that ogre also favors a stream-of-consciousness style, and he said that at least you can understand ogre. well, obviously his own band mates can’t. so there! haha!

i like being in the subbasement, because i can pretty much randomly start dancing whenever i want. also, despite all my complaining, my ipod is magic. it plays dance songs when i need them. or i just own a lot of dance songs. like all the nameable electronics i own, i have named my ipod “navi.”

a song just came on which is mislabeled. that’s weird. i’ll have to fix it eventually.

oh, by the way, guess who won the iowa caucus last night? that’s right, obama did! w00t! since the florida primary is apparently not going to count (i know, wtf, right?) i feel a bit better, as chances seem good for my candidate whether my vote counts or not.

i’ve been watching invader zim instead of bbc news in the morning and my mood seems better. ignorance is bliss, right?

omg, i just realized i haven’t watched corner gas once since i got home. at sohei’s dad’s house, there’s a tiny tv in the guest room, and it doesn’t have cable, so we watch network stuff. and apparently that’s one of the network-type shows i was previously unaware of. so i remembered hearing about it from canadian folk and liked it quite a bit, so i watched it every night it was on. if dog river (that’s the name of the town, right?) is any indication (and it’s on the tee-vee, so why not?) canada is quite a bit like iowa. either that or small towns are the same everywhere, which is probably more true. with logic like this, it’s a wonder i can’t do better on the lsat. anyway, between that and kids in the hall and oh canada, i’m thinking we need more canadian tv here. maybe there already is a bunch and i don’t know about it, like i didn’t know about corner gas. british tv is generally good, too. i bet japanese tv would be fun to watch, too, but that seems to be a west coast thing. all we get is spanish channels, and they’re only amusing for a few minutes at a time.

okay, now i completely lost track of what i was saying. something about invader zim. anyway, i’m hoping they’ll keep it in that time slot, because it’s the only decent thing on other than news. i wore my gir shirt today, hoping to keep up the spirit throughout the day.

no one’s here today. i should probably be upstairs, but i don’t feel like it. see, this old lady that doesn’t like me was complaining, loudly, that people shouldn’t be allowed to take mondays and fridays off, and she was going to talk to the big boss about it because it put too much of a strain on the dept. (i should note here that i primarily take fridays off, because, um, i prefer three-day weekends to random, middle-of-the-week days off, like every other normal person on the planet.) then this other lady chimed in, and they were talking really loudly about it, and i had to bite my tongue to keep from pointing out how subtle they were being or that it would be fucking idiotic to ban people from taking mondays or fridays off. besides, bitchy old lady, you know what a real strain on the dept is? your multiple breaks, your refusal to get off your butt and do anything, and your tendency to leave early a lot and not be there when people try to reach you about fines and stuff. also, if someone calls for you and you’re still physically here, “i’m about to go on break” isn’t a good excuse for not taking the call. go on break when you’re done with the call. i know it sounds crazy, but when most callers are from a different area code and we can’t call them back, take the damn call. (we can’t make long distance calls, which is kind of ridiculous in and of itself.) so, anyway, i figure if i’m working down here in the subbasement, she’ll have no choice but to actually do something, because there’s no one else to do it but the other lady.

the one thing i don’t like about working for the government is that people like her, who do okay for the first six months they’re employed, get a free ride for the rest of their working life, because no one will bother to fire you unless you blatantly suck. she’s been around here a long time, so she doesn’t have to do anything but the bare minimum, and spends the rest of the time playing solitaire and complaining. she never does anything to help out unless forced to, and then there’s a lot of eye-rolling. i wish she’d just retire or go on disability or something, so we could put someone useful in her place.

anyway, i’d better get back to work. this spreadsheet isn’t going to write itself.

I will break into your thoughts
With what’s written on my heart
I will break, break

I’m so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I’m so sick
I’m so sick

If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you’ll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears

I’m so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I’m so sick
I’m so sick

Hear it, I’m screaming it
You’re heeding to it now

Hear it! I’m screaming it!
You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

I’m so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I’m so sick
I’m so sick

flyleaf – i’m so sick

i guess i’m starting to feel a bit less depressed. it would help if i could just get over this fucking cold. if i don’t stop coughing soon, i’m going to lose it.

anyway, going back to work improved my mood a bit, i think. i don’t know what else to attribute it to. except that silly things keep happening to me. for instance, i have a profile on okcupid. (so does my boss, and also that’s where i met lunachica.) anyway, on said profile, at the end, it says something like, “you should message me if” and i put, “…You want to engage in an actual conversation. Unless you’re Ohgr, in which case, meaningless cybersex is completely okay.” this has caused two different people to write me with inquiries about this line. both asked who ohgr is, and the first (21/m/orlando) asked whether my husband minded that i wanted to cyber with ohgr. the second (45(!)/m/la) told me he didn’t realize ohgr was the guy from skinny puppy, and he used to go to their shows in the 80s. it’s not like there’s anything particularly amusing about this, i guess. the guy is weird, though, and it’s funny to me.

the meeting this morning was sleep-inducing, but at least it wasn’t as long as the last one. i learned something good at this meeting, too. the coffee stand in the lobby is going to start selling sandwiches. that’s nice, in case i forget my lunch, which i do more often than not. i didn’t forget today, though. turkey and muenster for me! (i know i always have turkey, but it’s my favorite, okay?) also, there was fruit and donuts and coffee and orange juice, and that was good. i had fruit and orange juice and i was all, “yay i feel healthy now!” but then i kept dozing off during the speeches and started to feel crummy, and swiped a donut hole on the way out.

i don’t think i talked about my resolutions or whatever for this year. obviously, the first is to quit smoking. the second and third aren’t very original, either: eat better and go for a walk every day. i’m not going to start dieting or anything, but after my last blood test, i figure i should at least try to be a little more careful. i bet my blood sugar wouldn’t be borderline anymore if i quit drinking soda entirely. i don’t know what the hell to do about my cholesterol, because i’m not going to stop eating stuff like cheese. i guess my body can just go to hell, if walking doesn’t help.

i was going to hope that something interesting would happen so i actually have something to talk about, but i know better than to ask for that. i have another meeting this afternoon. that should be interesting…

i’m back at work today. it’s okay, because i like my job, and nothing shitty has happened here yet. (just jinxed myself, i bet.) before i went to work, though, the trunk of sohei’s car fell on my head. i have a bump and a headache and a sore neck. that was fun. see, i forgot my jacket was in his car, and since it’s actually cold today, i had to go get it. that’s when his car decided to try to kill me. haha, good one, car! you sure showed me.

so far, i’ve reviewed the available training classes for spring and summer and wrote a lengthy email to t-sensei asking him for permission for all the ones i’m interested in, complete with dates and times. and i did some other stuff, too, but on the whole, i’m not being terribly productive this morning. unless you count the whole training class thing as productive. depends on what sort of boss you are, i guess. t-sensei seems to think it’s alright, so whatevs. i hope i get permission to go to most of them. there’s a bunch i wanted to go to that i didn’t ask about, though, because i’ve already got too much on my plate.

i’m boring myself again. i guess i’ll get back to work. but not before pointing out that voltaire rulz. and is rather pretty.

happy new year. (there, i said it.)

i’m kind of depressed.

i quit smoking today, hopefully for the last time.

the depression began before the smoking cessation.

i feel a general sense of doom. (yeah, again.)

between the whole seeming finality of the tampa trip and watching the network trot out poor dick clark to count down the last seconds of ‘07 with us, i feel a lot less hopeful about ‘08 than i was originally inclined to.

all i could think was, “i wonder if dick clark is thinking that this may be the last year he’s around to do this, and how depressing is that?”

and then, “i wonder if this feeling of impending doom is related to me, and this may be the last year i’m around for this, and how depressing is that?” (very, indeed.)

also, i’m apparently incapable of producing an original thought re: my story.

so as i slog my way into yet another year, i’m forced to face the fact that it does not get better. that either i will shuffle off this mortal coil this year (less of a shuffle, really, more violent i’m guessing), or perhaps sixty years down the road, in much the same shape as dick clark. and which would be better? that probably depends on what’s next. if it’s bad or nothing, may as well stick it out til my brain is a stroked-out mess. if it’s better than bad, it’s good, take me now, universe. (not really.)

i think being given sentience is an awfully cruel trick. i’d rather be contemplating bananas or my tail than dwelling on such stupid, ultimately pointless things all the time. (and lest you think i’m elitist to imply that animals aren’t sentient, when they clearly are depending on your definition, sod off. i don’t feel like intelligent discourse right now. obviously.)

so goodnight, and may this year suck slightly less than the last and those before them.