And so once again,
My dear Johnny, my dear friend,
And so once again you are fighting us all,
And when I ask you why,
You raise your sticks and cry, and I fall,
Oh, my friend,
How did you come?
To trade the fiddle for the drum,
You say I have turned,
Like the enemies you’ve earned,
But I can remember,
All the good things you are,
And so I ask you please,
Can I help you find the peace and the star?
Oh, my friend,
What time is this?
To trade the handshake for the fist

And so once again,
Oh, America my friend,
And so once again,
You are fighting us all,
And when we ask you why,
You raise your sticks and cry and we fall,
Oh, my friend,
How did you come,
To trade the fiddle for the drum

You say we have turned,
Like the enemies you’ve earned,
But we can remember,
All the good things you are,
And so we ask you please,
Can we help you find the peace and the star?
Oh my friend,
We have all come,
To fear the beating of your drum

a perfect circle/joni mitchell – Fiddle And The Drum

considering that i have to spend another weekend writing a term paper, i am strangely happy. for one thing, empress had her baby. for another, i’m finding a lot of sources for my paper, which is rather unusual, as that tends to be kind of a bitch. and not only are there some good sources, a lot of them are useful for work. my term paper is a research proposal regarding improving customer service at the library i work at. if the end result is good, i may actually be able to use it. and, even if it isn’t, it’s giving me some great ideas to share at work. i actually feel ready to write this damn paper, for once. i went out to get supplies this morning (cinnamon dolce frappuccino, cinnamon dolce syrup for future self-made lattes, smokes, and a bag of milky way miniatures) so i’m all set.

now all i have to do is write the darn thing.

i hate trying to blog on this stupid computer. the internet always goes out and i lost my post entirely yesterday. anyway…

so the whole peeing in a cup thing went as badly as i thought it would, if not slightly worse. and my arm hurts where the needle was, which is rather unusual. instead of the huge bruise i usually get, i have this painful blue bump. it looks (and feels) like the vein itself is swollen. i would much rather have the bruise because it not only looks cool, but it doesn’t hurt. this freaking hurts. even when i’m not touching it.

and, of course, because my arm hurts, i’m getting put on a new project today that involves a lot of lifting and carrying of things. i can’t just sit here and put things in a spreadsheet like i have been for the past couple of months. no, that would be too easy. and it would sound pretty stupid if i said i can’t do it today because i got my blood drawn. because i doubt it usually makes your arm hurt. it never made mine hurt til today. of course.

this new project is going to totally suck. i have to take all the state gov docs off the shelves in the basement and re-shelve them in the subbasement. this means a lot of dust, a lot of lifting, and a lot of frustration when you discover nothing was shelved right to begin with and a lot of it isn’t even labeled. i don’t know why the student workers and volunteers can’t do this…

i guess i’d better finish what i was doing before my supervisor gets here and i have to stop to work on the shifting project.

i got up to 48! (so addictive…)

i have to get a bunch of tests tomorrow, so no food or anything for 12 hours. and no freaking smoking, either, apparently. i can’t find the instruction i wrote down when i made the appointment six months ago, so i used the internets to find out what i’m supposed to do. apparently, small amounts of water are okay, though i remember this one time i went to have a test done, and the lady flipped out because i’d drank a little water after midnight, thereby making the test results void somehow. so, to be on the safe side, i’m going to take my acidophilus with a tiny bit of water, well before midnight, and that’s it. i didn’t see anything about brushing my teeth, but if chewing gum and smoking are bad, i’m wondering if toothpaste is a no-no, too. what’s really irritating about this is that i know they’re going to want me to pee in a freaking cup (which we all know i hate anyway) but how the hell am i supposed to pee if i haven’t had anything to drink for 12 hours?? and i can’t just not go when i get up, either, unless i want to risk a nasty accident.

in other news, i found this neat website yesterday. warning, though, it’s really addictive. if you’re a vocab nerd. which i am. anyway, you guess what words mean and for each correct answer, you accumulate rice, which will eventually be sent to starving people. so it’s a good cause, you learn something new (maybe), and it’s just fun. i got a bunch of people at work to try it, and now we’re a geeky legion of free-rice-playing zombies. my best score so far was 46/50. i’m a little bit sad that it’s not better, but whatevs.

it’s over. finally. all 16 pages, hysterically written and turned in. just one more to go…

sobbbbbbbb. i am so close to losing it. four days is far too long to be working on one stupid assignment. i’m going to need a break when this is over, but no such luck. i have to go back to work tomorrow. and i have to go get labwork done on wednesday. hopefully, there won’t be anything amiss, because if anyone tells me to diet, i’m going to have to kill them. (and my yearly is the week after that. yay.) what a fantastic week this is going to be. i hope it at least goes quickly. but, i just remembered my other term paper is due the monday after next weekend, so it’s not like i’m going to get much of a break then, either. this is insane! two weekends without a goddamn break of any kind?? i may ask for this coming friday off, because i don’t think two days is going to be enough time to get this next one done. especially if this term paper is any indication. i am so over this. i wish christmas break would just fucking get here, because i sure need it.

uhhhhh. it’s never going to end… my whole fucking holiday, wasted on this stupid paper. it’s not like i’m goofing off, either. article after article, case after case. do you have any idea how long it takes to read law articles and cases? a long fucking time. a long, really boring, time. and trying to figure out what the hell to say about things that numerous sources have already been so goddamn verbose about, that everything you write seems a lot like plagiarism… i wish i didn’t care about my grades, like i used to. life was so easy then. do a totally half-assed job on the two-thirds of a paper, collect a c or d, and spend the rest of the time doing things i actually like. unfortunately, though, if you get c’s in this program, you get kicked out. and with a semester to go, that would pretty much suck. as you can see, i’m kind of unable to write coherently right now as it is. my brain not work so good right now. gish better write paper now or gish fail. huh huh.

i’ve been working on this stupid paper since yesterday, and i have all of three pages done. (well, two, a couple lines, and the beginnings of a reference list.) i need twelve pages by midnight on sunday. why can’t this stupid semester be over? even after this, i have another freaking paper due within the next couple of weeks. i want to just relax on my goddamn holidays. i got a four-day weekend, and i’m stuck writing yet another paper. i can tell you now that i’ll be doing fuck-all over christmas break. i’m going to tampa and doing nothing but goofing off. i was going to work on the house a bit, but i’m too burned out to do anything.

For John Dillinger
In hope he is still alive
Thanksgiving Day, November 28, 1986

Thanks for the wild turkey and the Passenger Pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts

thanks for a Continent to despoil and poison —

thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger —

thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving the carcass to rot —

thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes —

thanks for the AMERICAN DREAM to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through —

thanks for the KKK, for nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches, for decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces —

thanks for “Kill a Queer for Christ” stickers —

thanks for laboratory AIDS —

thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs —

thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business —

thanks for a nation of finks — yes, thanks for all the memories… all right, let’s see your arms… you always were a headache and you always were a bore —

thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.

-william s. burroughs

sun
beats pavement
dirty
history
cuba libre
teresita
hubcaps
and whores
patchouli
smolders
dirty river
buildings
pierce
cloudy blue
skies
and bridges
scar
the ocean
smokestacks
strip clubs
sand
and salt
breezes
kiss
blush
sunburn
sunset
orange
to
red
slips
away
behind
markets
and
mykonos
orange groves
acrid
smoke
and
cattle
low
the
ice cream
melts
like
memories
paved over
scorched
grass
fields forever
dusty
scrub
and
heat
and
trees
lazy
honeysuckle
sweet
under the
cherry
tree

dad sent me the sweetest thanksgiving e-card. he’s changed so much since mum’s been gone. not that he never did anything nice while she was alive, but he always sends me cards and stuff now. i wish i could see him more than once a year…

so i’m watching the thanksgiving day parade, and the commentators are oozing barely-concealed hatred for one another. it’s been the most uncomfortable parade i’ve ever witnessed, next to the one with dora the explorer catastrophe. in the last segment, for instance, the male commentator was interrupted by the female one, and got huffy, so when the guy they were talking to said he’d answer his question, the male commentator said, “forget it, i don’t even care. i was just reading it off the teleprompter.” i’m not kidding. way to make a fun and whimsical tradition into an awkward event reminiscent of a divorce hearing or that thanksgiving we’ve all experienced with the drunk, angry relative.

not to mention, they won’t shut up about how nice and mild the weather is. it’s called global warming (or climate change, depending on where you’re from). maybe you’ve heard of it? apparently not.

i have to change the time manually to update for daylight savings time, apparently. oops.

hooray for short weeks. i’m half way through my middle-of-the-workweek day. i’d really like to skip work tomorrow, but no one’s going to be here, and i’d feel bad about leaving everyone hanging.

tonight, after work, sohei and i are getting rock band. i’ve really been looking forward to it. i won’t have a lot of time to play it, though, over the holiday. i have a huge term paper due this sunday, and i haven’t really started on it yet.

i’m feeling in a really design-y mood today. i want to live in a blank house and design it or something. sigh.

i want to be doing just about anything other than schoolwork. except housework. i’m not that desperate yet.

i went on a short outing to get lunch and cigs and a giant mountain dew. got the hot dogs, got the cigs, mountain dew spilled all over passenger-side floor. why do they even bother with lids?

so in serious need of escapism. i need to write or do something. sohei started up a new gish campaign (the vampire, not me) but we only played once and now he’s too busy with school to gm again for a while.

we stayed up late last night watching slaughter high and despite kind of sleeping in, i’m kind of tired. (we’ve taken to staying up on friday and saturday nights watching horrible old slasher movies on the free movie in demand channel.)

i guess i should get back to work. though there’s really not much else to do this weekend…

ugh, i’m so glad i have one semester to go. i am sick of school. it’s always the required classes that are the worst. and i’m getting a little panicky, because it feels like i don’t know enough practical stuff. fsu really focuses on the practical, whereas usf tends toward theory. everyone thinks usf is the better library school, but if i get to work and don’t know what the hell i’m doing, that’s small comfort. i expected to feel this way after obtaining my english degree (hey! i can criticize literature! that’ll be handy when i’m… bitching about jack london with other lit snobs.) but this is supposed to be my freaking career.

oh well. i’d better eat some lunch and get back to work. being frustrated and freaked out is not going to help anything.

it’s times like this that i’m relieved there is no hell, coz i’d totally be going there:

happy opposite day!

love,

gish

i just had a wonderful afternoon.

my favorite girl, lunachica, came by, and we went to michaels for more yarn perusal. we decided that my first project should be a dog blanket for brumby, so i bought suitable yarn and yet more bamboo needles. it’s a pretty charcoal grey and is rather thick and washable, so he shouldn’t be able to hurt it too badly. also, a lady at the store informed me that if he ends up eating it, the type i chose shouldn’t mess up his digestive system too badly. she was very helpful and had some good advice about other knitting-related stuff. i also got some hello kitty stickers to put over the dog-scratches on my laptop, but i can’t really put those on til sohei’s done borrowing my computer for his finals.

then lunachica and i went to panera and we had brownies and lattes and she helped me figure stuff out where i was stuck. and we talked and it was nice. then we went to publix coz i needed a couple things, and then i came home.

i think knitting is going to be really neat. when i get good at it, there are a lot of things i’d like to try. like the kitty hat and cute bags. it’s going to be a while, though, i can tell. it’s just cool that i’ll be able to make my own stuff, and it’ll be kind of unique. and, though i haven’t had time to write for fun lately, i’ve been getting my creativity fix not only by looking at knitting things, but also figuring out how to belly dance to powernoise. sohei insists that it can’t be done, and i’m far from experienced enough to actually choreograph anything. but between the moves i learned in class and some stuff i saw online, i am certain that i will eventually be able to work out a sweet little routine to dance to terrorfakt by. i know the very idea kind of goes against the whole earthy-graceful vibe, but it’s fun to think about. sohei says powernoise isn’t melodic enough, but i hear threads of sound that make me believe otherwise. whatevs.

so, i guess now i’m all refreshed and ready to get back to work. ha.

You are a Social Liberal (80% permissive) and an… Economic Liberal (3% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist (3e/80s) Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

oh yeah, big surprise.

i am so sick of school. i’m tired of spending every goddamn weekend on this crap. and my grades are going to suck anyway, coz i keep forgetting to post in both my classes. just one more semester to go, i guess. next semester is going to kind of suck. i have my last required class, plus an elective, and i have to pass my stupid comps. i picked what i’m hoping will be an easy elective, which is web design in libraries, but i always think something’s going to be easy, then it turns out to be a total bitch.

i’m also getting frustrated coz i haven’t been able to work on my story since i started going to school again. all my writing time is eaten by paper writing. having had a year to think about it, though, and i’ve decided to take it in a somewhat new direction. so when i do work on it again, i’ll probably be scrapping a lot of it.

work is going alright. except for the sporadic bouts of narcolepsy. i don’t really think it’s narcolepsy, though, because i only have one symptom. basically, i nod off, hear this really crazy, repetitive music and “dream” for a couple seconds, then snap out of it, disoriented, with the music kind of lingering a while. just the instant-onset rem thing, and none of the other symptoms. so basically i’m probably just crazy, but we all knew that already. i don’t know what else causes that sort of thing, and i don’t really have time to look into it. for now, i’ll just assume i’m losing my mind, as usual.

i’d better get back to work, though i totally don’t feel like it. this sucks.

the one day since i got here that i don’t have to be on the desk, and i have nothing to do. for weeks, i’ve been working on that geology project, with constant interruptions and having to take two hours out of my day to be on the damn desk. today, i finished the project, but i also don’t have any desk time.

i’m supposed to go up to the basement and start putting the pre-1950 docs into the spreadsheet i made a while back. but i’m not really looking forward to it, and a desk break might’ve actually been nice in that case. arg.

i guess i’d better get started. this part of the project is going to suck.

i actually got an email from one of my professors expressing concern that my participation grade is crap. that’s pretty much how my semester’s been going. maybe i have senioritis or maybe i’m just burnt the fuck out. it would kind of suck if i flunked out with only one semester to go, huh? of course, i got a perfect score on the last paper i wrote for that class, so i’m hoping i’ll get by with a low b or maybe a c.

my stupid project is almost done. i have one a week til the end of the semester, though, so it’s kind of hard to celebrate about it.

and my back still keeps seizing up. guess who didn’t sleep last night? me!

i’ve had some good email as well, though. i should really reply to some of it sometimes. (if you’re reading this, lunachica, i’ve been awful about it lately, and i’m sorry. love you! )

well, i have to drag my sorry ass off the couch and get presentable. despite how painful it is to put my pants on, i don’t think the dear patrons of cvs would appreciate looking at my sweet bum.

sohei just called and said hbo is filming something about the gore/bush contested results at the supreme courthouse down the street from the law school. i hope he goes over and checks it out. i always miss out on the cool stuff.

it’s another paper writing day. sohei’s at the law review barbecue, but i’m at home. it’s just as well since my back started seizing up and i feel like crap. i guess i got into a particularly dusty stack of documents yesterday, coz my eyes and nose were really itchy, and now i have a sore throat as well. hooray nasal drainage.

brumby’s hanging out with me, though, so it’s alright. and at least my stomach’s not acting up now. on thursday night i had a flare-up that was the worst i’ve had in about a year. i was in so much pain… god, i sound like i’m 80. whatever.

i did start on that free association thing yesterday, and it was kind of neat, but the internet died and i lost the post. arg.

i guess i’d better get to work.

i was walking past this woman yesterday, and her perfume or something reminded me of a scent i used to wear when i was in gainesville. i was marveling to sohei the other day about how i have such strong ties between music/smells/etc. and events. so, because i tend to get a little bored at work from time to time, i’m going to do free association type posts tied to a specific era of my life. i don’t expect anyone to actually be interested, but it’ll be kind of fun for me. just thought i’d warn you about it, so you’d know what the hell i’m doing when these posts crop up.

(if anyone wants to turn this into a meme or something, they’re more than welcome.)

omg i feel like crap. i think i’m getting a cold. also, this is my first menstrual cycle sans pill (i stopped taking it in lieu of something else), and my cramps are bad. really, really bad. i used to have to stay home from school sometimes, back in the day, thanks to the severity. i took ibuprofen this morning, which helped, but wisely forgot to put the bottle in my purse. so now the cramps are back with a vengeance, and i have to just suffer til i get home.

also, thanks to the stress nightmares from hell, i’m really tired. the alarm clock woke me up in the middle of this great one where i was in a car that was sitting precariously on top of some tall thing, and kept pitching forward. when i woke up, i was still freaking out, and then i realized that i also couldn’t breathe through my nose, and my abdominal area was in painful knots. it was very hard to get out of bed this morning. even now, i keep dozing off and getting snippets of weird dreams. this can’t keep happening or everyone’s going to think i’m on drugs. thankfully, i’ve only been falling asleep in the subbasement where no one can see me.

i’m going to bed no later than 10:00 tonight, period. and i’m getting a damn heating pad at the store tonight, if they have any. i can’t do anything about the impending cold, though. why can’t the day hurry up and be over??