carvedangel.net

hey world, i have some advice to share with you, if you’d rather not have gish kill you:

1) chances are that gish fucking hates you, so fuck off and don’t come back.

2) don’t say you’re going to do something then not do it.

3) if you find you’ve done 2), apologize profusely. otherwise, refer back to 1).

4) do your own fucking work. i’m just as busy as you, if not more so.

5) your lack of foresight or lack of ability to do anything your damn self does not constitute an emergency on my part. if you make it so that it does, you’re pretty much fucked as far as i’m concerned.

6) if i am forced to work with you, you’d better do your own part, because it’s a thin line between “gish is doing everything and is irate about it” and “gish is furious and refuses to do jack shit.”

basically, if you’re alive, i wish you weren’t. if i have to deal with you directly, this is doubly true, and chances are that i hate you. i can think of about five people i like right now: you, you, maybe you, and… make that three.

juchan and i were discussing the possibility of a road trip together, maybe next summer. we want to visit mum’s grave and see some relatives and stuff. so i looked at a map today after lunch, curious to see what the distance/time might be. wow. it’s funny how not far away it looked, but how long it will take. google maps suggested the interstate, like it always does, but fuck that i say. i want to drive through the south and midwest on the series of highways between here and there. and i was looking at other places i want to go, and wishing i could just take a month or two and drive. maybe next time i change jobs, i’ll do that first. i have to do something like that. i want to visit dad and go to asheville again and to missouri and iowa and a lot of places. we went on a trip out west when i was little. too little to really remember much. and then sohei and i took a trip around the south, but i was too sick to enjoy that a whole lot either.

looking at the map, i know i need to do this. i need to drive to missouri and visit mum’s grave, at the very least. even if i have to do it alone. maybe i can start saving for it. i just got a bunch of money for my birthday, and don’t have much to spend it on, since sohei won’t let me buy any more video games. of course, he probably won’t let me go on a road trip, either. but i have to, no matter what anyone says. the trip to tampa was kind of scary sometimes, but i did it. and i have to do this as well. besides, i want to see mum’s headstone, which i haven’t seen in person yet. it seems silly to fly somewhere to see a gravesite. but if i drove there, i could see a bunch of stuff on the way.

yes, a road trip must be taken by gish.

there is nothing that isn’t depressing the hell out of me lately. i guess the latest scandal was kind of funny, but everything surrounding it isn’t. my stomach hurts all the time, which in turn makes me wish i were dead all the time. or at least asleep. i’m tired of thinking about things and everyone disgusts me.

i’m going to bed. if there was any justice, i wouldn’t wake up.

this is about the stupidest fucking diary i’ve read on dkos in a while. and the comments are even worse. have any of you stupid fuckers ever worked in a call center? do you have any idea what it’s like? msrs aren’t fucking robots you elitist pieces of shit. they have feelings and are forced to use scripts for a reason, not because they enjoy it. i hope every person with this bullshit mindset loses everything someday and has to do this for a few months. then maybe it won’t be so funny to them.

here’s a hint, world: just because you can’t be arsed to read a contract doesn’t mean others should bear the brunt of your impotent anger when you realize you got fucked. limp-dicked morons.

decent day, except for a very upset stomach this morning.

boss got me a cake that actually had my name on it.

coworkers all wished me happy birthday.

husband got me super swing golf for the wii and the new smashing pumpkins cd, made me spaghetti (with mushrooms, but he actually served me my dinner, so i’ll overlook it), and will hopefully give me a back rub before the day is out.

and juchan texted me to say they were safe, though they got a direct hit from (category five) hurricane dean.

happy birthday to gish.

i have discovered something new about myself recently: i am unable to take important things seriously. budget cut causing my main project (and reason for employment) to be done away with? hey, no problem. very bad fights with husband? oh, haha it’s fine, it’s fine. i mean, i’m still perfectly capable over panicking about things that aren’t problems yet. juchan leaves me a voicemail in the middle of the night without specifying what’s wrong, and i immediately draw the conclusion that the cancer has metastasized and she’s doomed. (she’s perfectly fine, and the cancer is still gone.) brumby starts coughing and i’m sure he’s choking on a piece of rawhide, but it turns out he just needs a drink. kind of like how i used to worry about being sick all the time, but then when it looked like i may have actually had a brain tumor, i felt pretty ambivalent.

maybe i’m really good at being in denial. but i don’t really deny that these things are happening… i just deny that they’re worth caring about? it’s this sort of thing that allowed me to go to class when my mum lay in the hospital dying. before now, i thought it was just something i did once in a while to keep myself from having panic attacks and being rendered totally useless. however, i’m beginning to see that this is not temporary. i’m not sure whether it’s a bad thing or not, and i guess i’ll just not worry about it until it causes problems. but it does look like a permanent personality trait. well, fine. i don’t want to be a panic-stricken mess all the time.

i was going to write a post defending a viewpoint, but after writing a couple of lines, i thought, why bother? if you can twist my words to think i stand for something which is the complete opposite of what i really think, no amount of argument on my behalf is going to make a difference. i think most sane people probably actually understand what i mean, and don’t bother making wild assumptions based on a random post or two. if it makes you feel better about your life, fine. you obviously need more validation than you’re ever going to find here.

also, going on at length about how people must take your blog and what’s contained within as they find it, or leave, and then complaining at length over something (imagined, no less) said at mine, makes you look about as crazy and self-absorbed as you really are. i suggest you take your own advice and stop reading things that upset you so. i’m no more likely to change my content based on possible injury to your feelings than you would be. that’s kind of your problem, though, isn’t it? you’re special (even if you have to invent ways to be) and so you have no problem expecting something of others that you’d never expect to be held to yourself.

so, read here if you must, but be warned. i’m petty and bored, and i will write vague entries about things that will bother you on purpose. and, yes, i’m talking about you.

(unless i’m not, in which case, disregard this entry.)

i dunno. party, work, planning a party for me. whatever. you know.