according to my ticker/counter thing, it’ll be 14 days til i see sohei again. this really sucks. i was just thinking today, while mooning about, that i would marry sohei every day if i could. i would marry him a million times. i’m just going to be disgusting until he gets back home, and everyone will have to deal with it. i bet ju-chan’s glad she’s in mexico and not reachable by phone.

and even though i’m supposed to be doing everything myself, he called the insurance company for me today. for those who don’t know, i ran into a truck yesterday when trying to park. the truck’s bumper has a nice scrape on it, and i hadn’t even looked at my car’s damage til today. there’s a scrape across my front bumper, and the right side cover part of the front light is broken. i don’t think the light itself is broken, and even if it is, i think that’s the bright or something, which i never use anyway. also, the hood is pushed up a tiny bit on that side. the car is so fucked anyway that i didn’t think i’d care, but it made me a little sad to see superbuick crunched up. maybe i’ll take a picture or something. i think it also made me sad, because mum was so careful with that car. then i got it and all the paint peeled off and i routinely drive over curbs and now it’s a little smashed. poor superbuick. anyway, i called the clerk’s office regarding what to do about my citation. apparently, i can pay my ticket online and take the driver course online as well. that’s good news, coz i didn’t really want to spend four hours of my weekend sitting in a class and watching videos of people getting into wrecks and being ground into paste or whatever the hell it is you do in that class. hopefully the videos won’t be too gross or i might complain. i dinged a truck’s bumper which was naughty, but i didn’t go on a drunken driving spree or anything. we’ll see. must get those points off my license. i still can’t believe i did that.

damn, i’m tired. all i ever do anymore is sleep, and it’s never enough. i have no real plans for the weekend, either. maybe i’ll go to the mall for a while or something. i have a lot of homework to catch up on and bills to pay. fun. i came home to find the cable shut off, since sohei didn’t pay the full bill last month, so i took care of that straight away. with no internet or tv, and no sohei, i don’t know what i’d do. the wii wouldn’t be as fun without internet access. i’d probably have just slept.

ooh, there’s a commercial for this thing that looks kind of like a pogo ball. pogo balls were cooler, though, coz there wasn’t anything to hold onto. mine was the most rad of them all. it had a hot pink ball, and the platform was black and white checkered. thinking back, it’s pretty neat how well my parents knew me. black and white and hot pink were my favorite combo of colors for a span of a few years. anyway, i was awesome on that thing. i could skip rope while bouncing on it. i remember the time i stayed home from school with stomach flu and, after spending the morning in bed reading, i suddenly felt better and spent the afternoon on my pogo ball, despite my mum’s trepidation. i even talked her into letting me go to “wednesday club” which was a weekly church meeting for kids, where – on this particular evening – i ate a ton of macaroni and cheese. i think we all know where this is going. boy, was mum upset when she had to clean up my barf in the middle of the night. i remember standing in the bathtub, watching her scrub at the bathroom floor, all the while asking me why on earth i’d eaten so much and spent the afternoon hopping up and down, when i was supposed to be sick. poor mum. i sure do want a pogo ball now. and my mum.

okay, i need to go get something to drink.

i know i quote sadly, no entirely too much, but…

I can only imagine a future Richard Cohen column where, despite the fact that he’s never actually tasted them, he praises McDonald’s hamburgers simply because he’s seen the Hamburglar try so hard to steal them. “You can tell the burgers appealed to him through his rhetoric and body language,” Richard would write. “Robble, robble!”

now here’s someone who understands how celebrity crushes are supposed to work.

I’m not blind to the fact that this passion can’t possibly translate to real life. Even if we were both single (and we are both so not), we’d be doomed. …If I continue to Google up and consume every bit of news and trivia, I may have to face the fact that His Hughness is not as perfect in reality as he is in my imagination and my Web browser.

boy, do i know what that’s like. all my ogre googling (hoot) is strictly image-based now, let me tell you.

she has damn good taste, too.

17 days til i see sohei again. i have a counter on my google homepage that says so. seventeen. whole. days. sob.

sohei called a bit ago. apparently he nearly hit a deer. but everyone’s fine, including the deer. i will be relieved when he arrives safely in tampa.

i haven’t been posting coz sohei’s home, and i want to spend all the time with him i can. but, just a quick update. he got me the wii that i wanted for our anniversary, which has been eating up most of our time. it is freaking awesome. i’ll have to talk more about it later, but it’s neat. i love it.

also, it’s been nice but difficult spending time with him and brumby, because when you remember why you miss someone, it makes being apart from them harder. and then i also realize why i can’t stand most other people. i like his honesty, even when it’s brutal. i get tired of people bullshitting me all the time. i never have to wonder about his motives or if he’s telling me the truth, because it all goes without saying. for someone as socially retarded as i am, this is very handy. and it’s nice spending time with someone who wants to do the same things you want to do most of the time. i don’t have to pretend with him, either. i get so tired of acting for everyone else. everything is just so much more (dare i nauseate myself?) real when he’s around. it’s stupid, but i can’t explain it otherwise.

i know i say things like this from time to time, but i’m about ready to start cutting certain people and things out of my life. this has nothing to do with sohei, who already thinks i’m too judgmental and antisocial, and has everything to do with worrying about stupid things i have no time for. why should i have to subject myself to that sort of nonsense when i could be paying more attention to the people who deserve my time? anyway, i didn’t mean to go off on a tangent when i should be spending time with sohei. i’m just rather irate with some people right now. and it’s probably not you.

i’m going to make this post not private once sohei’s here, but i wanted to surprise him. i cleaned the kitchen, washed all the dishes, cleaned both bathrooms, and did four loads of laundry when i got home from work. i fixed myself up a bit, too. and i might get my hair cut after work tomorrow. he’s not going to be here til around 8:00, so i have some extra time to get stuff ready.

also, i got saddled with a new on my own challenge today. right after i got home, our neighbor came over to tell me they had termites. and we might have them, too. he was told they wouldn’t get a warranty on the work if the whole building wasn’t done, so i’m going to get a free estimate. (we live in kind of a duplex.) i’ll be calling around tomorrow. i’m kind of irritated about this, because we just had someone in to check for termites less than a year ago, before we signed the contract on the house. i know it’s not our neighbor’s fault, but the more i think about it, the less i want to call the company who checked the house last year. i’m also annoyed because i have lived in a lot of houses in my time, and not one of them ever had termites, ever. so the one goddamn time we can’t afford something like this, and we get termites? for fuck’s sake. i’m pretty sure this town is my own personal hell, what with the shitty drivers, terrible service everywhere i go, and giant freak bugs i’ve never seen before.

anyway…

this is going to be an interesting summer.

i’m soooo glad sohei and brumby are coming home tomorrow. love love love sohei. he got straight a’s this semester and booked two classes again. (got the highest grade, in other words.) he’s so hot and smart and fun. and he’s mine! alllll miiiinnnnneeeee! i know this is ridiculous and disgusting, but i can’t wait for him to be here.

this week will. not. end. the days are just crawwllllliiiiiiinnnnnnggggggggggggg. i assume this is because i’m waiting to see sohei and brumby again. i’ve noticed that things are not as fun without sohei. a lot quieter, but not as fun. this morning, on my commute, i was listening to revolting cocks’ fire engine, and mock-honked my horn during the honking parts, remembering how sohei did when he was here. i didn’t actually sound the horn, though, like he did. morning rush hour probably isn’t a good time to start randomly sounding your horn.

wahhhhhhhhhhh tomorrow will never get heeeeerrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee.

my doctor visit actually turned out really well. i didn’t get lost, which was a good start. i was thrilled to learn that i wouldn’t be seeing the scary-looking doctor whose profile i glanced at online last night. i would be seeing the nurse practitioner. and she was awesome! now there’s good news and bad news. the good news is, she’s basically willing to prescribe me just about anything. in the time i was there, i was offered painkillers, psych drugs, etc. as well as her direct line, so i could call for more at any time if need be. they’re lucky i hate drugs, coz i told sohei i could be well on my way to being a junkie. i agreed to the painkillers, however, and that’s where the bad news comes in. there is no medication that will make me “better.” there are things i can take to help with the symptoms, but this will never stop. i will wake up with this every morning for the rest of my life. and a lot of the meds that will help me will also make it difficult for me to work. are you supposed to drive while taking darvocet, because it doesn’t seem like a good idea. i’ve had this problem since i was a kid, but it just seems to get worse as i get older.

but i’m actually kind of proud of myself. i do have a job. a full-time job. i’ve gone to work while in a lot of pain, and just sucked it up and did what i needed to. because i have to. without my paycheck, we’d be in a lot of trouble. gone are the days when i’d get pissed off and walk out, or call in sick because my tummy hurt. i’ve gone to work and put up with abuse while coughing my lungs up or dizzy or in pain. and i showed up to my mandatory classes in tampa, despite having one of the worst flare-ups i’ve had in years. i guess i’m bragging, but i have reason to be proud. i’ve grown up quite a bit. just over a year ago, sohei couldn’t have left me alone for a week, let alone two and a half months. i can drive myself just about anywhere. i can be trusted to go to work everyday. i can buy my own groceries and run my own errands. yeah, it really sucked not having meds of any kind while on my three month probationary period, when i had no insurance, but i did it. and it was worth it. because, even if this never goes away, at least i can manage it, and i don’t have to rely on anyone else to do so.

today at work, i was looking at a map of florida, since i have to drive myself to tampa in a couple weeks. (after the gainesville trip, i’m feeling better about it, even though it’s over twice as long. but i’ve driven this route before.) i’m going to be taking the highway rather than the interstate, so i was mapping the route. because apparently stupid google maps has never heard of a highway. anyway, as i was tracing it, i felt pretty confident. i can totally do this! the only tricky part will be getting from 19 to brandon, but i know i can do it. i’m sure i’ll get a case of nerves as the time approaches but, today, i feel like i can do anything.

re: bush ii’s iraq debacle:

Fantastic. Junior just had to prove that he could tie his shoelaces All By Himself without Poppy’s help, and now his pants have fallen down and he’s peeing all over the carpet (and shitting all over the bed) – which makes the prospect of having to tie his shoelaces for him a lot less appealing.

i was going to complain that i have to drive myself somewhere new tomorrow morning, alone. but then i realized that sohei wouldn’t have taken me anyway. so.

i hate going to specialists. i’m sure he’ll want to put me through all the damn tests i’ve already been through. i’m pretty easy-going, but when my last gastroenterologist tried to get me to have a bunch of tests done on my upper digestive tract, i had to put my foot down. it’s hard for me to say no, but i don’t have a lot of time or money to waste, and there’s one test i refuse to go through again until i’m 40, as promised by my former specialist. i wish i could just get some medicine that freaking works and be done with it. i already know what’s wrong with me. it’s the same thing that’s been wrong with me since i was born. and sometimes it gets worse, and i can’t leave the house, so i miss work. i can’t miss any more work, so i need a slightly stronger medicine for those times when a safe dosage of my current medicine doesn’t do the job. for fuck’s sake, could it be any clearer? i don’t even know why i have to see a specialist about this. i’m getting kind of tired of doctors acting like i’m an idiot, only to find that, after myriad expensive tests, i was fucking right. ya know, i just remembered that, to keep getting my meds to begin with, i had to have a bunch of awful tests. what a bunch of bullshit. the doctor who first prescribed it didn’t do any tests. she actually listened to me, then gave me the damn medicine. every time i have to go to a new doctor, i’m forced to prove i have what i say i do. it’s not like i’m asking for painkillers or something addictive. arg.

i haven’t done anything particularly spectacular recently. though i did take out the garbage and haul the bin to the curb. my yard is quite hilly, and the bin was heavy, so it was rather difficult, okay? anyway, that’s sohei work. but since sohei’s not here to do it, i had to. thankfully, we usually only produce enough trash to have to go through that debacle every couple weeks, so next week there should be a reprieve. and though i haven’t done much housework like i was supposed to, the one room i did clean – the kitchen – has remained remarkably clean. sohei says it’s my fault the house is a mess, but the fact that there’s only me now and the dishes always make it to the sink says otherwise. since sohei and brumby are coming home for a visit this weekend, i suppose i ought to at least clean the bathrooms. at least the house smells nice thanks to all the incense i’ve been burning. i discovered that they sell opium and patchouli stick incense at my grocery store – among other scents – so i bought the pack with those (and a couple other kinds i’d never tried), and a 99 cent incense holder. up till now, i’ve just stuck the non-burning end through the tab of a soda can with ash-producing end over an ashtray (in the smoking days) or a piece of paper or the sink. well no more! the incense from inti and vinyl fever is more awesome, but the grocery store variety isn’t bad, and far easier to get. opium is my favorite incense of all time, so i was pretty happy to discover it’s pretty easy to get.

anyway, i can’t imagine this is interesting to anyone but me, so i’ll go ahead and wrap up. anyway, i have to go watch a sexual harrassment video at 11:00 and i have some stuff to do before i go. we all had to promise not to laugh during the video, but my group includes a couple of my sillier friends, so i’m thinking that’s not going to happen.

via sadly, no!

McCain: “Cornyn, you pecker. You raised — I say — you raised the issue just to torpedo a deal. Well, you can pullet. Go get laid, you sulky cock, before you get egg on your face.” [McCain turns to the camera] “That boy thinks he’s a smart feller, but it’s just the other way around.”

I’ve become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flows down the path we
have chose

you and me
we’re in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
they pick and they pull
trying to get their fingers in
well they’ve got to kill what we’ve found
well they’ve got to hate what they fear
well they’ve got to make it go away
well they’ve got to make it disappear

the farther I fall I’m beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I’m inside you
for ever and ever I’m a part of

you and me
we’re in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

all that we were is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on

you and me
we’re in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
even after everything
you’re the queen and I’m the king
nothing else means anything

nine inch nails – we’re in this together

my lower lip keeps doing this twitching thing like right before you throw up. i didn’t even feel sick, but the constant pre-puke lip twitch is starting to make me feel queasy. it’s been doing this off and on for a month now, but usually just does it once and stops. now it’s been non-stop all afternoon. and i’m not getting much work done, coz i’m starting to be in a foul mood, and i’m not going to do any of the stuff i wanted to do today.

my first friday night alone was nice. i stopped by moe’s on the way home from work and picked up my usual, a chicken homewrecker burrito. once home, i made a strawberry margarita to go with my dinner. it was teh awesome. except that, after having not eaten all day, it was a bit of a shock to my system. i made another margarita and took a couple sips, then promptly fell asleep. oh yeah, i know how to party. so at some point, between 8-9, i woke up still feeling tipsy. i gulped down the remainder of my now watered-down drink and watched cartoons and bbc before going up to bed and falling asleep for good around 1:00.

then this morning, a call from sohei woke me up, which is a pretty nice way to wake up if you have to on a saturday morning. i think he’s finally starting to miss me a little, which is good, coz i was beginning to worry. it was time for me to get up anyway, the time being 10:00 and all. i have a lot of work to catch up on today. that job sucks the life out of me, and i don’t have energy to do anything when i get home at night. i’m looking forward to getting my degree so a) i don’t have to spend my weekends doing a week’s worth of schoolwork and b) i can get a job doing what i actually want to do.

and what am i going to do tonight, assuming i’m not still doing homework? there’s a work shindig, but i doubt i’m going to feel like going. i don’t feel like going out when sohei’s here, and i don’t feel much like going out when he isn’t, either. when we do go out, it’s usually because he wants to. my saturday nights are generally reserved for britcoms and writing/homework. anyway, i should probably get to work. it’s almost noon and i haven’t even looked at what i’m supposed to be doing yet.

here’s why:

-he doesn’t like jerry falwell
-he’ll tell a co-worker when she’s wearing too much perfume, on your behalf
-he listens to ministry
-he eats popeyes like i do (and everyone says i’m weird)
-he plays guitar hero and has a mint ‘83 boba fett
-he eats my favorite quiznos sandwich

and i’m reminded of the time my family was eating at steak ‘n’ shake, and mum was talking about jesus christ superstar, and i hollared, “jesus is hot!” man, was she embarrassed. but he was, in that movie.

it’s been a pretty quiet evening. and i think i’m losing my mind. when i went to check the mail, i almost called for brumby to ask if he wanted to go. and then i retrieved our schnauzer doll from sohei’s office to keep me company. he’s on the other couch, and i keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye and thinking it’s brumby. i really miss my dog.

other than going crazy, there’s not much else going on. i’m just too damn tired after work to do much of anything. and since i didn’t feel sick today, i ate. a lot. i’m going to be sorry about those microwave burritos tomorrow, i just know it. and since my belly dance instructor is moving (no more classes) i’ll have to try to play ddr more often. i think sohei’s going to come home to a 300 pound lump, lying in a garbage pile, with flies about. i haven’t got much done on the house, but it’s not any worse, either. and i can tell i’ll be doing my homework on weekends, mostly. it doesn’t help my energy levels that i had nightmares all night and got next to no sleep. it turns out i really hate sleeping alone. when you share a double bed with someone, you’d think it’d be a blessing to have the space to yourself. no. (we shared a twin bed for three or so years, but i don’t think we could both fit in one at this point. )

the time i spent apart from sohei back when i’d go to gainesville for a while wasn’t so bad. probably because i was with my family and not completely alone. i shouldn’t say completely. neko has been a pretty good buddy. and i know she’s glad brumby’s gone.

man, i’m sleepy.

aaandddd, for the past year or so, i’ve been getting these really bad charley horses in my feet. well tonight i think i beat my personal best for pain level re: foot charley horse. my left foot contorted itself so severely that my big toe was folded under my other toes. i had to straighten my foot and hold it still with both hands. damn, it hurt. and it took forever for the muscle contraction to stop. sohei wouldn’t have been of much use, as usual, as he hates the very word “foot” (i bet he’s really enjoying this entry) let alone touching one.

okay, i’m going to go get ready for bed.

day two is going considerably better. i was actually pretty happy when i got home. i started the laundry and re-heated some leftover macaroni and hot dogs, then settled in with dinner and a cold yoo-hoo to watch charm school. when we were at the grocery store on sunday, i remarked to sohei that the contents of my cart were probably similar to what a five-year-old would buy. and what foods do i purchase when i don’t have to worry about feeding sohei? three kinds of macaroni (frozen, boxed, and instant), two kinds of hot dogs, frozen tempura shrimp, lasagna, noodle packets, ramen, microwavable sausage biscuits, cinnamon toast crunch, french toast crunch, two kinds of oreos, three kinds of tuna helper, yogurt, oj, assorted frozen juice, gatorade, yoo-hoo, and a partridge in a pear tree. i already had three containers of ice cream in the freezer, or you can bet i’d have stocked up on that, too. any bets on when i’ll be having my first heart attack? at least i won’t have to go to the store for a while.

anyway, my initial plan during sohei’s absence was to clean a room of the house every day this week, so that when he came home for the weekend, the house would look nice. i obviously didn’t get much cleaning done yesterday, and when i started on the kitchen today, it wasn’t long before i felt exhausted again. between work and being dehydrated, etc. i managed to finish about half of what i’d wanted to do. i’m still sore, and our medicine cabinet is mysteriously bare, so no ibuprofen for me. sohei isn’t coming home for two weeks anyway, so i have a little more time to get things done.

also, i’m in summer school, so i have a lot to do in the next ten or so weeks. which means i have to be disciplined and do my homework every night when i get home. this is going to be a bit challenging since amazon is sending me my textbooks almost a full week later than they claimed they would when i ordered them. in other words, a week after classes begin. and when i complained, they wanted me to shell out even more money for shipping. their customer service sucks. i used to like amazon, but they’ve gone way downhill in the past year or so. i informed them that sohei and i wouldn’t be doing business with them in the future. i also ordered a couple of my books from barnes and noble – with free shipping no less – and they’re already here. (i ordered all my books on the same night.) i got a membership with barnes and noble again, so i’ll be buying all my books from them from now on. fuck you, amazon.

well, i’d better get to work. i’m only two days into my classes and i already feel like i’m behind.

today was my first day without sohei and, unfortunately, it sucked. i woke up at 5:00 this morning, sick as a dog. in addition to my usual, er, lower digestive troubles, my stomach and, what i assume is my small intestine area, felt like they were being stabbed all day. i ran out of ammo, as it were, around 2:00, but am still incredibly weak. i haven’t eaten (and don’t plan to) and have only had a glass of gatorade to drink. my legs are cramping and i have a headache thanks to dehydration.

poor sohei ended up waking up with me at 5ish, but made it to tampa safely with brumby in tow. i miss them already, though i generally like to be alone when i’m sick like this. i had been trying to get excited about being on my own over the weekend, but kind of fell apart this morning. i’d like to blame it on being sick, but when actually faced with a summer sans my guys, i got pretty upset.

i’ll have to finish my post later. my whole body hurts so badly i can’t sit up or type anymore. thankfully, i finally have an appointment with a specialist on the 23rd.

i’m going to miss you this summer, but it’ll be nothing like our first year together, spent apart. this has been a hectic year, with a lot of changes, but we got through it like we always do. it’s hard to believe it’s been over a decade since we first decided to give this relationship thing a shot. and five years since we threw our principles out the window and went down to the courthouse to sign that piece of paper. and despite the problems and hard times, i’d do it all over again. i still love you as much as i did on that day in the mall parking lot, 12 years ago. happy anniversary, sohei.

i drive to work every day.

i drive to places i can see from the main drag outside my neighborhood.

i have, on occasion, driven to places i needed a map to find, like the doctor’s office and belly dance class.

i once even drove to tallahassee from st. pete, without sohei in the car. (he was in the moving truck right in front of me the entire time.)

but i never took a long-distance trip, on the interstate, by myself. until last sunday.

last sunday, i drove to gainesville and back, alone. i was to meet my sister and her boyfriend and check out the old haunts before she left the country. i was supposed to meet her at the mall at 10:00, so to play it safe, i left at 7:00. i was told the trip could take three hours. i drove through a mostly-empty tallahassee and managed to find the entrance to i-10, going in the actual correct direction. this is not as easy as you might think, seeing as the two entrances are on completely different streets, and i was used to driving west, not east. so i get on the interstate, going in the right direction, music blaring. i can listen to powernoize at top volume at 7:00 in the morning, because sohei isn’t there to tell me not to. i kept worrying whether i was going the right way, but there were signs once in a while telling me i was. it was foggy almost the entire way, but there wasn’t a lot of traffic, so it was okay. this also meant that i could go as fast as i wanted, so i was between 80-90 most of the trip. (superbuick starts shuddering if i go any faster than that.) the only tricky bit was making sure i got off on the right exit to 75, and i did. i’m sure my obsessive checking of the map printout was a great idea while going 85 mph, but the idea of getting lost in the middle of nowhere was frightening as well. i sped most of the way and got to gainesville at 9:00.

google maps gave me the wrong exit, but ju-chan had told me which to take the day before, so i ignored google and exited in the correct place. unfortunately, i was completely confused as to what direction the mall was in, and turned left. i stopped at a gas station to re-fill the car (i’d used half a tank of gas just getting there) and called sohei in a bit of a panic. i asked him if he remembered where the mall was in relation to taco bell. he didn’t. so i got off the phone and asked some guy where the mall was, and he gave me directions. i was supposed to turn right at the exit, not left. so at least now i knew where i was going. i also remembered that, yes, that was how to get to the mall from taco bell. how could i have forgotten? (in case you didn’t know, i lived in gainesville for three years, and not much about it has changed in the past ten years.)

so, gas tank again full, i drove down the street and sat in the mall parking lot for about an hour. i read one flew over the cuckoo’s nest. again. i read it for the first time when i was about 12, and am now on my sixth or so reading. i haven’t finished it this time, though, because ju-chan gave me a couple other books, and i have to read new books first. aaanyway…

and it was freaking hot, so i went and hung out in the mall instead, even though nothing was open. ju-chan and her boyfriend showed up by about 10:30, so we just talked and stuff. because nothing opened until noon, apparently. basically, we talked a lot, bought lip glosses, and wasted time until she had to leave. she had to go home and try to get rid of the rest of her stuff, since she was leaving for mexico the next day. and by 1:00, i was back on the road.

i had no idea where the on ramp was to go north. i figured out, rather late in the game, that i had to be in the far right lane. i was far left. i put on my signal and panicked. in tallahassee, i would never have made it to the proper lane, and would’ve had to find somewhere to turn around. (no mean feat, as u-turns are not allowed anywhere in this damn city apparently.) but, as i was in gainesville, three lanes of traffic slowed down so i could – gasp – change lanes. after driving for a year in tallahassee, i could hardly believe these people were going to let me across. terrified, and checking my rearview the whole way, i crossed the lanes of traffic and managed to turn right on the wrong road. i pulled into a gas station yet again, in time to get a call from ju-chan. keep in mind that i hate talking on my phone while driving. it infuriates me when sohei calls me when he knows i’m driving. but i was willing to give my sister a pass, as i wouldn’t be seeing her again in who knows how long. she was calling to tell me that the entrance to 75 was on the right. yes, well. so i left the gas station and managed to find the damn on ramp and actually turn onto it this time.

the return trip was much like the trip there, except that the traffic was way worse. also, there was no fog. and i managed to drop my damn map on the floor, thus throwing me into a panic because i had no idea what exit to take once i got to tallahassee. okay, so the return trip wasn’t a whole helluva lot like the trip there. at one point, i could see a brown cloud of smoke ahead. tis the season for brushfires. once inside the cloud, i couldn’t see more than a couple feet ahead of me. i wanted to get the hell out of the smoke, but had to crawl along. so, i eventually get near tallahassee and finally decide to just risk grabbing the map off the passenger’s-side floor. the exit doesn’t seem right. it ended up not mattering, because right before i reached the first tallahassee exits, it started pouring rain, out of nowhere. thanks to the deluge, i couldn’t read the signs til it was too late, and missed my exit. just as mysteriously, the rain stopped shortly after bypassing the exit. i spent the next few miles freaking out, until i saw a sign for the thomasville exit. wait, i thought that was where i was supposed to exit to begin with. you fucking lie, google maps. who knows where the suggested exit would’ve taken me?

so i decide to exit at thomasville. and there is construction everywhere. i couldn’t turn where i thought i was supposed to, and, for some reason, when there’s road construction here, they take down all the road signs. i shit you not. i can’t tell you the number of times i got lost in this stupid town because there were no street signs due to construction. so, anyway, i don’t even remember what happened at this point. i took the wrong turn, got completely turned around, and ended up in a neighborhood across town from my house. somehow, without the help of sohei or the fucking useless google maps, i managed to find a road i recognized and drove my sorry ass the rest of the way home. i have never been so relieved to pull into my driveway. no, wait, i tell a lie. i was pretty relieved when i made it here the day we moved.

what? that was completely boring, you say? well it’s not your blog, is it?

okay, i promised a link to the suicide game. click here.

in other news, sohei will be leaving to go work for his dad on monday, and will not be back until the end of july. this means 2 1/2 months of being on my own. in an effort to amuse everyone, and actually update the blog once in a while, i will be documenting my misadventures. keep in mind, i have never lived alone. i went from living with my parents to living with sohei. and, up until a year ago, i did not have my drivers’ license. i have done things in the past year that i never thought i’d do. these things may seem ridiculously simple for most of you, but you’re obviously not as hopeless as i am. as a practice run, i will be writing my next post about my solo trip to gainesville. in the coming months, i will probably detail various activities, mostly mundane, only for you to ask yourself, “she’s never done this before?? what a sad sack.” well, yeah. but i’m humiliating myself for you, dear reader. so enjoy it, and try not to come down too hard on me in the comments. i may actually be kind of proud of myself, okay?

it’s not even 9:00 yet, and already:

- i came in to find verbal abuse on my voicemail from a woman who doesn’t understand what an extension is, or that i don’t live at work
- returned call of said lady, who then informed me as shrilly as she possibly could, that she was in a meeting and demanded i call her back in an hour
- received an email from an inept co-worker telling me i needed to call one of my clients because he couldn’t be arsed to help him
- sat through a call from a client who screamed at me for ten minutes about a problem that would take less than a minute to fix
- read myriad emails from clients who are so stupid, i wonder how they manage to live

and i just received an email from ten minute scream lady. that suicide game at adultswim.com is looking less like entertainment and more like advice. (i’ll put a link to the game when i get home.)

i’m going to gainesville tomorrow. i’m driving by myself, which is nerve-wracking, but i think it’ll be okay. i was thinking of letting a couple people know i was going to be there, but i don’t want to complicate things more than they probably already will be. i hope my stomach settles down, and i also hope my car doesn’t die. and i hope i don’t get too lost at any point. since absolutely fuck-all has been working out, i know i’m crazy for doing anything other than staying at home on the couch, but it’s important that i go.

and i don’t really feel like writing as much as i thought i would, so i’m going to go do something else.

dad visited today. he was in tallahassee for work and will be in orlando on friday for julie’s graduation. i haven’t seen him in over a year. in some ways, it’s almost more difficult to see people rarely than not at all. not that i didn’t enjoy our visit, because i did. there were no fights or tension. it’s just that, for me anyway, when i’m away from people, i remember them like they’re frozen in time. mostly, nowadays, i remember gainesville family. but that was some time ago. and whenever i see our folks, i feel this initial shock at how much older they look. and then i get thrown into this stupid panic. i should have a kid by now. my mum was pregnant with me when she was my age! sohei’s mum was pregnant with him at my age! what if we’re waiting too long? it already kills me that my mum will never meet her grandchild and vice versa. i mean, it’s not like our parents look like they’re at death’s door, but it’s hard watching people grow old when, somewhere in your mind, they’re 15 years or so younger.

and i remember how much i really miss my dad.