carvedangel.net

because life hasn’t been aggravating enough lately, my laptop now has a cluster of dead pixels to drive me nuts. they aren’t the stuck variety that you have a chance at fixing, either. they’re dead. and i guess toshiba isn’t great about fixing stuff like that. no matter how much i try to take care of my stuff, it always gets wrecked somehow.

it has been a strange night. what began as research for my writing project turned into hours of study on bizarre human behavior. my (anti) heroine no longer seems as unbalanced as i once believed her to be. boy, can humanity be fucked. and there’s no way i’m sleeping now. i think i’ll watch some cartoons…

We suffer at our sense of loss, we are frightened by her rage, we are guilty in the face of her rejection, we are hurt by her choice of isolation and we are confused by her message.

sometimes, i’m not sure what i think about things, and this bothers me.

of course, since i’m dead certain about other things, this isn’t as troubling as it could be.

i finally changed my imood. i am tired no more. now i’m itchy. i figure that’s a good one, coz i’m likely to change it, rather than leave it there for months. i mean, my eyes can’t itch forever, i hope. damn you, trees. spooging all over the place. damn. seriously, when it rains, the streets run with the greenish spooge of trees. mmm. and it’s all over my damn car, too. my coworker told me this is the worst it’s ever been, in her memory. of course, said i.

firefox doesn’t think spooge is a word. i beg to differ.

by now, i’m sure it’s obvious that “itchy” probably wasn’t the best adjective for what i am today.

maybe it’s the copious amount of mountain dew talking, but damn, girl, you look good.

- gish to self on recent trip to the bathroom

why do i feel like i’m the only person in the world who isn’t a flaming idiot?

(this is obviously not directed at you, dear reader, but thanks for ruining the drama.)

love,

gish

i’m pretty sleepy now, so let’s commence with the incoherent babbling.

sohei came to work to visit me last week, and brought brumby, and we had a picnic. and he brought me dance dance revolution for xbox 360. which i’ve been playing all weekend. “but gish,” i can hear you saying, because i’m feeling a little loopy, “you hate exertion of any kind.” i know. and, yet, i cannot stop playing this game. okay, i tell a lie, my body gives out after a couple hours. but wow. if all exercise were this fun, i’d do it a lot more often.

and i’m also almost finished with the first season of house. just disc six to go. thanks, netflix. oh, and i bought a cd from my belly dance instructor for $1 and it has the house theme on it, so it was totally worth it for that alone. but the rest of the music is good, too, so it was obviously a great deal.

um, what else?

i watched the tenacious d movie, which was pretty damn funny. i think they should make more of their tv shows or whatever it was they were showing on comedy central a long time ago. anything about metal is hilarious. brutal!

the many margaritas i drank are giving me heartburn or something.

i wish i could’ve been a doctor.

i’ve been pretty much hypochondria-free for a long time now, but being a doctor or med student would probably send me right back to it.

actually, being unemployed would probably be far worse. because i think about myself too much, and then the hypochondria comes screaming back.

i’m exhausted, but my mental health is getting better all the time. i broke down crying today, because i’ve felt kind of off since mum’s birthday on thursday. but i recovered pretty quickly, and you can hardly blame me for missing my mum, right? well, i guess sohei kind of can, but you know.

and i was supposed to go to an obama meeting tomorrow, but at this rate, i doubt i’ll be awake for it. which i feel bad about, but it’s daylight savings’ fault for taking an hour of my weekend away. well, and mine, for not going to bed before 5.

but i’m happy about daylight savings for once, since it won’t be dark when i drive home anymore. and as soon as we hire someone for our department, i’ll be working from 9-6 anyway, which i’m happy about. 10-7 makes it hard to spend much time at the library or study or whatever. i know it’s just an hour, but it’s good to get whatever time i can. because i can’t wake up in the morning! god.

okay, i really need to go to bed. but you couldn’t afford to miss this information!

i keep getting email from my old church and from school. i am so, so homesick i could literally cry. i am at work, however, so i will not. but damn, it’s hard not to. the end of april cannot get here soon enough. i’ll be making a brief trip home for a school thing the weekend of the 20th. unfortunately, that’s also the weekend before sohei’s finals, which means i probably won’t be able to visit uuc again. it would probably just make me really sad anyway. i know i’m going to be living here for three years, and it’s stupid to think of tampa/st. pete as home, but it is. i’ve never lived in an area that long before, and i practically grew up there. tallahassee is home now, but if i don’t go back to tampa when this is all over, i’m probably going to be kind of depressed about it. my wanderlust and taste for adventure seems to be officially over.

in doing research, i discovered some quotes from an iris murdoch. i’ve never read her before, but she sounds like an interesting lady.

“I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you’re important and nice, but you take second place all the same.”

“Perhaps when distant people on other planets pick up some wavelength of ours all they hear is a continuous scream.”

“Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.”