carvedangel.net

i just saw a nearly naked picture of ohgr and i can’t stop giggling and hooting with glee.

no, i’m not sharing.

that is all.

i work in a building amidst many other buildings. i guess it’s an office park thing. and one of these buildings has a cafe that i walk to once in a while. i was sitting at the counter the other day, waiting for my sandwich, when sunday bloody sunday came on the radio. this song always reminds me of my turbulent teens, particularly my 14th year, when i listened to u2’s war at least once a day. and i wondered what 14 year old me would think of 27 year old me. so i decided to have a little talk with her. assume that there’s nothing unusual about this, or it could turn into a novel.

then: hey, ira has that shirt.
now: he’ll give it to you in about a year. you’ll be wearing it when mum dies.
then: what? when does that happen?
now: when you’re 25. try not to get too mad when everyone forgets your birthday that year. and cut mum a little slack in the meantime.
then: wow. okay. how does she die?
now: i’m not going to tell you. but i will tell you to go see her right away instead of waiting until that thursday.
then: were you too late?
now: almost. and the days we waited were absolute hell, so don’t worry about school.
then: since when do i care about school? and what am i doing in school at 25?
now: you will care. and that’s a long story.
then: well what are you doing now?
now: i work in a cubicle building websites and dealing with cranky idiots. and i’m in a graduate program for library science. here’s another bit of advice: don’t go to usf for library school.
then (disgusted): i went corporate? i’m not a novelist? i don’t live in germany?
now: no.
then: well i’ve at least had something published by now, right?
now: no.
then: have i ever been to germany at all?
now: no.
then (looking panicky): out of the country?
now: no.
then: okay. so i get really fat, i never travel, and i don’t write anymore?
now: um, that’s pretty much it.
then: how did i gain so much weight anyway?
now: i quit smoking when i was 22 or so and gained 20-30 pounds. the other 50 came from the yoyo dieting i did to lose the first 20. don’t diet. just live with the 20 extra pounds.
then: i don’t really like dieting anyway.
now: and you never will. so don’t bother.
then: so am i going to smoke more than i do now? do i really need to quit?
now: yeah, you’ll have a nearly two pack a day habit by the time you’re 20.
then: how the hell did that happen?
now: never thought you’d get hooked, eh? well you will. you’re going to meet a guy next year that you end up marrying, and he smokes. so you end up smoking, too. by the time you move in with him at 18, you’re officially a smoker.
then: huh. so i’m going to get married? to who? what changes my mind?
now: i’m not going to tell you who. you’ll never believe it anyway. and you change your mind about marriage when you’re 22 and you need health insurance.
then: great. it sounds like i have a wonderful future ahead. so i move out when i’m 18?
now: yup. and i’m not going to give you any advice on that, because if i tell you about it, you probably won’t do it, but you really need to.
then: was it really that bad?
now: i’m not telling. but when it happens, no one would be able to talk you out of it anyway.
then: okay… well should i marry the guy, though? are you happy?
now: i’m not touching that one, either. there will be one particular point in your life where the road splits into two distinct paths. my only advice is that the safest way is not always the best.
then: will i know when i get to that fork?
now: possibly, but you may not believe it at the time.
then (pauses): so i don’t end up with ira?
now (guffaws): not up to this point, no. he’s in china for some reason. you should really try to stay in touch with him, though. you’ll never have a better friend.
then: what about tom and helen?
now: they’ll move and you’ll lose touch with them. but you’re going to have a great trip to visit them next year.
then: wow. i’ll be honest, me, i’m kind of disappointed with how things turned out.
now: well now that we’ve had this talk, i am, too. but hopefully i won’t die anytime soon, and maybe you can do things differently.

or you’ll be just the same, imagining having a conversation with yourself at the lunch counter of a cafe. before returning to work at the cube farm and wishing that novelist thing had worked out.

meh. just meh. sohei and i are feeling quite ick lately. i stayed home yesterday with it, and sohei missed his first class this morning due to it. (missing one class in a year isn’t too shabby, especially compared to me, but he’s not happy about it.) i can’t speak for sohei, but i am burnt. the fuck. out. all we do is work. and when we’re not working, we’re worrying about all the stuff that needs to be done, and so end up going right back to working again. we have not been to see a movie once in the six months we’ve been here. we were going to go once, but i got so sick we had to stay home. being sick is about the only thing that gives me any kind of break, but, even then, i often spend the downtime trying to catch up with school stuff.

i am very, very sorry i ever went to grad school. i hate the program, and most of the professors just suck. maybe it would have been better at a different school, but now i’m stuck. i was just going to give up, but after over $5000 of expense, it didn’t seem like a good idea. so now i’m trying to just finish the damn degree without flunking out. the days of straight a’s are gone, that’s for sure. even if i had the energy to expend, my brain is completely useless after a day of work. most of the time, i still work nine hour days, without breaks. i could go to lunch, but why? it’s a waste of gas, the timing is always crap, and i have no one to eat with anyway. when you work from 10-7 when are you supposed to eat? 12-1 is too early and 3-4 spoils dinner. i’m hoping when we start hiring people, i can work a more normal shift, starting at 8 or 9. i’d have to get up earlier, but it would be worth it to spend an extra hour or so with sohei every day.

that’s been hard, too. not spending much quality time together. we’re in the same room a lot, but we’re often in different worlds. frankly, we both need a fucking break. and not just laying about the house for a week, worrying about everything. i think we need to go somewhere and do nothing there, maybe. i don’t know, but i do know if something doesn’t change, i’m going to snap. i’m always exhausted and the house always looks like a pit. i’m lucky if i have the energy for dinner and a load of laundry when i get home. and putting up with morons and abuse all day hasn’t been great for me either.

after all this work for our stupid degrees, i’d better get a lot happier with life in the next few years.

so. anna nicole is dead. if you’ve read me long enough, you know i was a fan. she was my guilty pleasure, and now she’s gone. i’m feeling pretty mopey about it, to be honest. and, though i kept my, er, love for her a secret, everyone seemed to have a feeling i’d want to know right away. within a matter of minutes, no less than four people let me know she was dead. thanks, guys. (this is not directed at you, prince 2, and you know it. actually prince is a good pseudonym for my wonkish friend, even though he’s not quite as scandalous. quite.)

anyway, all attempts at humor aside, this is indeed a dark day for the likes of gish. and i feel really, really bad for her five month old daughter. general consensus says she’s better off sans anna, but i don’t know whether i agree. and i certainly don’t think the world is better off without her. i was kind of hoping she’d get fat again and get her show back, but i guess it’s not to be. so, goodbye, anna/vickie. i hope you come back as something a little less tragic next time.

i’m home and i’m fine. the drive home was terrifying, but i’m here. just so you know.

i’m posting from work. now that my blog is totally clean, whynot?

the reason i’m posting is that i have had a very bad day, and i will have to drive home in a few minutes. it’s been raining all day, and is dark, which means i will not be able to see anything at all while driving. i am not kidding. between the oncoming headlights, the rain, and the glare coming up off the street, i will be, for all intents and purposes, blind. and, considering i almost got into a wreck this morning, and it was hardly raining at all and not dark, i am terrified. this is just the sort of day where i would wreck my car and maybe not die, but have debilitating injuries for life.

so, if you don’t hear from me, it’s because i’ve been in a horrible wreck and am either clinging to life, or just plain dead. that, or i’m a lazy sod who never updates. you decide.