we actually closed on the house yesterday. the termite documents weren’t there, and we didn’t get the rent check, but hopefully this won’t be a problem. i can’t believe that we’re moving in two weeks. i can’t help but feel sad about leaving this house. it really is the coolest house i’ve ever lived in. i do like the new house, but i’m going to miss this one.

and sohei’s home from his trip to the cd store, so i’d better go see what he got.

i. don’t. believe. this.

after getting only three hours of sleep last night, i am unable to sleep again tonight. by nine, i was falling asleep, so i went to bed. sohei came in at around 10:30, which woke me up. i figured i’d be able to get right back to sleep. nope. so here i am, once again, awake.

today was utter hell anyway. we’re supposed to close on our house tomorrow. we didn’t want to have to make the ten hour round trip to tallahassee just to sign a bunch of stuff, so we arranged to have the documents sent to us by this morning (thursday) at the latest. turns out, the idiots at the title company “forgot” to send them. oops. too bad they’re impossible to contact, or we may have been able to salvage the day and send everything back by tomorrow. instead, we will be going up there tomorrow, because now we can’t trust them not to fuck everything up. they couldn’t even spell my fucking name right, and it’s really not that difficult of a name to spell. sohei had to take the day off today because he thought he’d be dealing with paperwork all day. instead, he had to deal with the useless shits at the title company. so now he has to take tomorrow off, too. wonderful.

and i’m not even going to get into the bullshit we’ve had to put up with so far regarding selling our house. we have potential buyers, but they’re morons and assholes. i’ll probably go into detail later, but i’m just not in the mood to have a coronary right now.

and i kind of think i know what i might be interested in doing with my life, but i know sohei will never go for it, so i’m a bit sad and still discouraged. i am interested in law, but i’m afraid i’m not cut out for it. i’m not even sure i can make it into the program… going to school for the rest of my life would be nice, if i could just afford it…

i apparently can’t sleep anymore. you know, there are certain types of stress i can deal with. kind of. i can pretty much deal with the stress of buying/selling a house and moving. i can deal with having to live on literally half as much money as we have now. i can even deal with the possibility of having no health insurance. (though i think that’s my biggest worry about all of this.)

i can not, however, deal with having no direction in my life.

while i was in school, i had goals. as an undergrad, i wanted to make the best grades possible, and work toward getting into library school. i knew what i wanted to do for the rest of my life. i thought. so then i graduated and went on to grad school. my goal was to get straight a’s and excel as much as possible. i pretty much did. then i started having second thoughts. the whole reason i was interested in librarianship in the first place was that i thought it would be a way to help my community, and i really liked the research aspect. but it turns out that all librarians seem to do is play around on the internet. and the classes weren’t that stimulating or challenging. i didn’t feel like i learned anything useful. (except in the human rights class. it was awesome, but honestly didn’t have a ton to do with libraries.) so now i’m back to where i was about five years ago. what do i want to do with my life? i have vague ideas of what i want out of life. but none of it seems particularly realistic. so i’m trying to take stock of things.

interests: medicine, micro/biology, research, psychology, human rights/social justice, web/home design, languages, literature, music, art, history, humanities, writing, cooking, politics, playing on the internet.

strengths: reasonably capable of writing non-fiction, good eye for aesthetics (supposedly), learn relatively quickly, good work ethic when in the right environment (i.e. when not being treated like shit), willing to work for little pay if job doesn’t suck.

weaknesses: suck at math and chemistry, incapable of keeping a job where anyone has any authority over me, no real talent at creative pursuits, can’t handle stress at all, bad at dealing with people, excessive pride.

okay, so we can pretty much forget about a career in medicine, for a few reasons: 1) no good at math or science that isn’t biological, 2) too expensive and time-consuming to go to school for, 3) dealing with actual guts will probably make me puke. we can also forget any kind of political career for the following reasons: 1) hate public speaking, 2) too intelligent, 3) far too many skeletons in closet. teaching something like humanities – maybe at the community college level – could be fun, except that, again, i don’t like talking in front of a bunch of people. being a chef would be neat, too, though i had to give up that idea when i initially thought of it five years ago. too much stress, and apparently my bosses would all be assholes. i’d kind of like to be an interior decorator, but i’m not sure i have the artistic skill. it’s something i considered doing before, but i’d only really want to do it if i could go into business for myself. law is something that started to interest me recently, because it would be a great opportunity to help others, and i could probably be my own boss. also, apparently i wouldn’t necessarily have to make court appearances, depending on what i end up choosing to do. (i think that would probably be pretty nerve-wracking.) i’d also like to be able to have a job that isn’t all-consuming so that i’ll have time to have a kid and spend time with him/her.

i know it’s everyone’s dream to own their own business. (mostly.) i know this post has been ridiculous and unreasonable. and i have no defense for any of it…

this is not an exciting blog. i don’t go anywhere. i don’t do anything. right now, i don’t have a job. i’m also not in school. i don’t have any friends to gossip about, and there’s not a lot to say about my family, either. i don’t have kids, and i’m not inclined to blog too much about my pets. i can (and sometimes do) talk about world events. but what can i say that hasn’t already been said a million times by people that can express themselves better than i can? and who cares what i think, anyway?

so why the hell do i have a blog? well it sure as hell isn’t here to entertain anyone. the main purpose of this place is to allow me to puke my thoughts out somewhere so they won’t drive me completely crazy. it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. i don’t want a huge audience. i don’t want to have to think or worry too much when i write here. it’s my little niche. it’s my shrine to myself. and it’s on the internet for all to read because i can do more with html than i could ever do on paper. most of what i write is open to the public because it’s my passive-aggressive way of expressing myself without having to talk to anyone. if you don’t want to know how i’m feeling or what i’m thinking about, don’t bother visiting my blog. it’s not here to make you feel good or anything. it’s not here for you at all. i appreciate anyone who reads this regularly, most of all because they don’t tell me what to write or how to feel. and if you ever get the urge to do that, my blog is not the place for you. i update when i feel like it, and i’m not going to just pull an entry out of my ass because you’re bored or because you think i owe you one. sometimes i not only don’t feel like talking to anyone, but don’t feel like being expressive at all.

sometimes, like now, i’m living out my secret life, like walter mitty, in my mind. and i don’t feel like sharing my fantasy world with anyone else. like a dream, when you share it with others, it begins to disappear. so i’m living in my head right now, and am not likely to write entries very often. but i also refuse to do what seems so popular among bloggers and go on hiatus. i think that’s silly, and if a blogger does that too many times, i tend to take them off my list. it would be pretty stupid to make a big production out of not posting entries, then come back and post the next day because i happen to feel like it. so i guess i’m not going to give the common courtesy of warning people that i don’t intend to post, either.

but to the readers that don’t expect much out of me, and continue to read this year after year, thank you. you can probably expect more of the same.

for the past couple of nights, i’ve been having those dreams about mum again. the ones where i think she’s still alive, and that she recovered from her stroke somehow. only to realize that she’s not alive, and it’s a dream. i don’t know why i’m having these dreams. i haven’t had them in a long time. but they’re always the same and they’re always depressing as hell. i guess my brain figured that i’m not stressed out and depressed enough, so i may as well be upset about something else.

something awful is going to happen.

sohei was cleaning off my old computer today, so we can give it away or recycle it, and came across a bunch of old pictures of me. they were from back when i used to smoke and i was at my old weight. i can’t believe i spent so much of my life thinking i was fat. now i’m fat. five years from now, i’ll look at this post, when i’m around 300 pounds, and feel as depressed and stupid as i do now. i don’t know what happened to me. i quit smoking, and now here i am, five years later and 70 pounds heavier.

and i’m dropping out of school, and have no idea what i’m going to do with my life.

and i’m giving up my house, and will have to start on a career i probably don’t want.

and almost everyone i know is so hopelessly ignorant i would scream at them if i weren’t so shocked and annoyed.

i don’t know what to do anymore. about anything. dieting doesn’t work. church/religion doesn’t work. advice doesn’t work. avoidance doesn’t work.

but i have to go bring sohei a snack. because life goes on, whether i want it to or not.

for reasons i don’t understand, certain images aren’t showing up here. i’ll fix it later. (thanks to deb for pointing it out, coz it was working on one of my computers, so i couldn’t tell. )

i fucking hate blogger and am beginning to remember why i stopped using it…

because i’m sure everyone is getting sick of seeing a bug-eyed, toothpick me every time they visit, i figured i’d go ahead and post, even if i’m in a bit of a mood. not a bad mood, really, but just that, “something really odd or shitty is going to happen soon” sort of mood. that i get into around this time each year. of course, last year, the feeling of impending doom didn’t really result in anything.

oh, wait. i tell a lie.

there was katrina, and the dad/girlfriend thing, and… stuff. oh yeah.

you know, every time i feel like this, someone dies.

i thought i might actually have something to say, but i guess not.

happy 1st birthday, brumby!

Intelligent and insightful, you are a gifted individual, who although may sometimes be buried in academic affairs, is friendly and welcoming.

Totals
65% Hermione Granger
63% Ravenclaw
55% Neville Longbottom
52% Professor McGonagall
50% Cho Chang
49% Cornelius Fudge
48% Ron Weasley
47% Ginny Weasley
46% Hufflepuff
45% Colin Creevey
40% Slytherin
38% Severus Snape
36% Rubeus Hagrid
33% Fleur Delacour
30% Dumbledore
30% Gryffindor
28% Draco Malfoy
26% Cedric Diggory
24% Viktor Krum
23% Harry Potter
21% Lord Voldemort

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

by the way, i’m able to post over at vox now. so go look.

i’ve had a real love/hate relationship with humanity lately. generally, i try to see the best in people and empathise with them. but lately, not so much. i think i’m in a mood.

it doesn’t help that i’ve gone to see movies in the theater twice this past week. i hate seeing movies in the theater, because i hate watching movies with other people. i can handle watching movies with sohei, because he has the good sense to shut the fuck up while it’s on. maybe one other person is okay. but any more than that, and for some reason, everyone feels the need to make idiot commentary throughout the entirety of the film. when we went to see superman, it wasn’t so bad, because it was a nice theater with stadium seating, and i wasn’t surrounded by people. when we went to see pirates on saturday, it was worse. we went to a crappier theater, because we had passes for it. as i made my way through the throngs of people toward the theater, i couldn’t help but note that most of them had stupid expressions on their faces, and reminded me of a bunch of animals dragging around. most people also seemed to have the manners of animals as well. we managed to find decent seats next to people that weren’t complete mongoloids. i liked them because not only did they not get up once during the movie, but they seemed to understand the concept of bathing, unlike some of our other neighbors. seriously, my nostrils were under constant assault. between the b.o, the farting, and the disgusting food everyone was noisily eating, i felt like i was in an episode of invader zim. someone at the superman show was wearing far too much of my least favorite cologne, which was about as bad. i have no idea what this cologne is called, but the first time i smelled it, i was in middle school, and i hated it then as much as i hate it now. i can’t even describe what it smells like, but i don’t know how anyone could find it pleasant. the closest i can come is: someone spewed all over an electrical fire in an attempt to put it out, but it’s just smoldering. (by the way, electrical fires are best put out with something like flour. puke, having liquid in it, is not a good thing to put out an electrical fire with.)

people have no concept of manners, either. up and down, back and forth, during the whole film. cell phones ringing, people making moronic comments, and a guy that couldn’t stop cleaning out his ear/playing with his hair. he’d put his arm up right in our field of vision and i finally started kicking his seat every time he did it. i’d kick, he’d remember he was being an ass and put his arm down, then put it back up minutes later. repeat, ad nauseum. for fuck’s sake, when you’re that age (50’s i guess) you should know how to behave at a fucking movie. the last couple of times, along with a swift kick, i would hiss, “put your fucking arm down you rude moron.” ugh.

sometimes it feels like my mum and sohei’s mum were the only parents in the world who ever bothered to teach their children manners. as much as i want to devote my life to helping others, sometimes i find myself unable to stand anyone long enough to even watch a movie.

i made this recently, and figured i’d share. it’s an awesome soup in the summer, especially when served cold.

4 c water
1/2 c sugar
1/4 tsp cinnamon powder
1/4 tsp pumpkin pie spice
1 tb cornstarch
1 lb fresh cherries, pitted
4 ripe peaches, stoned and quartered
4 purple plums, stoned and quartered
sour cream

first, prep the fruit. then put the water, cornstarch, sugar, cinnamon, and pumpkin pie spice together in a pot. bring to a boil. add the cherries, peaches, and plums. reduce the heat to a simmer and cook for 30 minutes. you can eat this while hot, but it’s much better cold. i like putting a bit of sour cream on top, but yogurt would probably be okay, too.

i am going to kill everyone. i am going to go on a murderous rampage, and it’s going to start in hell hole. sorry, tallahassee. i am seriously about to call this off. if one more thing goes wrong between now and wednesday (the last day we can cancel and not pay anything), i am going to sit my husband down and say, we are not going. i am done. this is not worth it. i’m beginning to be really sorry i didn’t call this off a month ago. this is idiocy, and i don’t know why i’m still even doing it.

i read things like this and am ashamed about whining because i couldn’t find the perfect house. i’m lucky i get to live in a house at all. i apologize not only to my readers, but to all the people who suffer on a daily basis because they have nothing. i shouldn’t let stress get the better of me, and i must remember how much i’ve really got. not just financially, but in other areas of life as well. i realize how good i have it, and i’m sorry.

i just had the oddest flashback.

i was reading about someone calling the peace sign a chicken footprint or something, and i remembered something that happened to me as a child at bible school. (if you haven’t had the chance to attend one of these, it’s a week or two during the summer where kids spend a few hours a day at church, playing games, singing songs, etc.) anyway, i was at bible school at a friend’s church, and we were painting on t-shirts. i think it was to do with some kind of theme we discussed earlier, but i don’t remember what it was. so i was painting peace signs on my shirt. and the teacher came over and chastised me. she asked me if i knew what that sign meant. in my childish ignorance, i looked up at her and said, “peace?” and then she told me that it was an upside-down broken cross, and i couldn’t put something like that on my shirt. i was pretty young when this happened, so i don’t remember whether i had to change them to something else or whether my shirt got taken away altogether. but i do remember, even then, thinking that she was crazy. just as i do today.

considering my childhood, how i ever ended up not being a wingnut is a mystery to me.

i finished my first lsat practice test today, timed and everything. i got a high 157. to put this in perspective, the median lsat to get into fsu is 159, and sohei’s official score was 167. (though when he started out, his score was about the same as mine, which might be a good sign.) i think, with some work, i can get my score into the 160s. it might not matter, though, because fsu’s median gpa is 3.44 and mine is 3.06. my upper-division gpa is 3.5, but the overall is sadly low. sohei says i may still have a chance if my lsat score kicks ass, to make up for my shit gpa, but i don’t know… and now i don’t know what i want to do… what i really want to do is what i’ve always wanted to do: get into a field where i can work for myself, but offer a service that really helps the community. (the first person to suggest prostitution gets smacked like the fool that they are.) so i was thinking that law might be ideal, because i can go into business for myself, and still help people. i’ve wanted to do something like own my own bookstore since forever ago, but i know that’s unlikely to succeed. sohei suggested freelance writing, which sounds good, but is also sporadic in terms of pay. i don’t really care so much about making money, but i don’t want us to end up on the street, either.

so i guess i’m going to go ahead and try really hard to get a phenomenal lsat score and apply to fsu’s law school next spring, for fall admission. in the meantime, i’m going to try to get some kind of job and just study for the test. i can always go back to library school later, if i need to. i’m just not sure anymore that it’s what i want. all librarians seem to do is sit on their asses and play on the internet. while that sounds like it would be my ideal job, in reality, i’d like to actually have things to do at work. and though i was originally drawn to the idea of getting to work with quirky people, i have since learned (and not just at my current job) that “quirky” often means “serious mental problems” and “completely inadequate social skills.” my sister and i have both worked at libraries, and i’m beginning to see some patterns emerging regarding library work. and i do not like them, sam i am.

who knows, though. maybe i won’t be happy at any job. maybe i’m not fit to work or be alive. but since i’m not going to off myself, i might as well keep looking for something i might like. right now, law seems to be it.

i forgot to mention yesterday, but my supervisor is still mad at me. i’m seriously beginning to think i got her in trouble. whatevs.

i went to see superman returns and it was about what i expected. which means it was entertaining, which is all i asked of it. and superman was pretty cute. i hope he won’t be affected by the superman curse.

i have to go study for the lsat now.

ted stevens explains the internets to the peons:

There’s one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right.

But this service isn’t going to go through the interent and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free.

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet?

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially [...]

The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says “No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet”. No, I’m not finished. I want people to understand my position, I’m not going to take a lot of time. [?]

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck.

It’s a series of tubes.

And if you don’t understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.

rotflmao

thanks to dawna, i now have a vox account! and since i got an invite so early, i got my username without having to put “feiticeira” at the end of it. i’m the original gish anyway, suckas. i’m hoping to be able to upgrade soon, so i can play around with the blog feature. i’m not in a huge hurry, since i reserved my name already, so i’m not going to go around begging for one. but if you have a spare invite, i wouldn’t say no.

anyway, i have to go to the store now coz we need stamps. stamps!

but before i go, i guess i should apologize for being in such a shitty mood lately. sohei started reading my blog again when he started writing on his, but he said it’s too depressing. so no more of that. even though life has been sucking pretty hard lately. i’m just glad we finally got a house. and maybe things will look up a bit.

well, we’re back from tallahassee. and i think we got a house, finally. at this point, i don’t want to say anything is certain, because the seller’s realtor is an ass and will be out of town til thursday, so he isn’t able to fax all the paperwork or whatever. they accepted our offer, though, so i guess that’s the important thing. as long as the paperwork isn’t an issue and the inspection doesn’t turn up something terrible, we should be okay. it’s cute and has a fenced yard for brumby and a loft for me. no fireplace, but i told sohei we probably wouldn’t have ever used it anyway.

and while we were gone, our realtor held another open house. only one person came by. i’m trying not to be nervous about it, because houses around here take 1-2 months to sell, on average, and we’ve only been on market for about a week. here’s our house listing, if you ever wanted to know everything about my house. with pictures!