i actually think i did well at this interview. and now i really want the job. :blush: but there are two other people that they’re considering, so i have to wait til the end of the week to find out. the guy that did most of the interviewing was nice. he mentioned he was from iowa, and i said i was, too, and he was so excited to hear that. it really is rare to meet someone else from there, so it was pretty cool. i do think he liked me quite a bit, but it’s up to his boss, too, so we’ll see. i’ll talk more about the whole thing later, maybe. i don’t want him to google me before i get the job and find out what a weirdo i am… (hey, it could happen.)
[music|enjoy - bjork]
i’ve been having a rather disturbing recurring dream lately. it’s kind of different each time, but the theme is similar, and i’m starting to feel like hamlet…
in these dreams, mum is still alive. (though she seemed rather more ghostly in the first one.) and dad has left her for his girlfriend. when these dreams first started, i mostly felt apologetic for being so nice about dad’s girlfriend. mum would ask, almost accusingly, if i was okay with all this. and i would say that i had been, and i was sorry. then last night i dreamt that she was poor and living in this crappy house, and she needed some financial help, but dad was ignoring her. and i was really pissed off at him, because mum seemed so hurt that he’d left her for another woman, and then she had to live in this awful place. i always wake up feeling terrible, and then just feel off, and kind of sad, throughout the day.
i’m guessing that these dreams/nightmares stem from my feelings of guilt for being so okay with dad having a girlfriend already. the thing is, i don’t see why not. it’s not like mum is ever coming back. and whether you believe in heaven or reincarnation, i don’t see how she would even care at this point. i’ve been second-guessing my feelings and reactions since she died a year ago, and it’s still going on, in one way or another. i’m thinking it’s because everyone’s treating me like i’m naive for thinking this relationship is at all okay. so now i’m just second-guessing myself again. the thing is, if dad’s really happy, i don’t care about anything else. i’m not worried about my inheritance or mum being offended or anything. so these dreams just frustrate me, because i feel like they’re coming from somewhere other than me.
anyway, i have to go get ready for the interview. i freaking hate interviews. i always screw them up somehow, so i get all worked up over nothing. maybe, though, since i don’t really care if i get this job, the interview will go better. who knows? not me.
and before you yell at me for being so casual about this job, keep in mind that the pay is barely above minimum wage ($7/hr) and won’t be a tremendous help in paying for school. besides, having to take a minimum wage job when you’re a college graduate — with additional vocational certification, no less — is a little depressing. still, i’ll give this a go. if nothing else, maybe everyone will finally leave me alone about being unemployed.
you know you don’t have the right attitude when you’re more worried about your piercing closing than you are about whether you get the job…
i just wrote this as a post to the bulletin board of one of my classes, and thought i’d share. the definitions in question are:
nigger: Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of earlier neger, from Middle French negre, from Spanish or Portuguese negro, from negro black, from Latin niger
1 usually offensive, see usage paragraph below : a black person
2 usually offensive, see usage paragraph below : a member of any dark-skinned race
3 : a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons
usage Nigger in senses 1 and 2 can be found in the works of such writers of the past as Joseph Conrad, Mark Twain, and Charles Dickens, but it now ranks as perhaps the most offensive and inflammatory racial slur in English. Its use by and among blacks is not always intended or taken as offensive, but, except in sense 3, it is otherwise a word expressive of racial hatred and bigotry.
mcjob: Function: noun
Date: 1986
: a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement
both definitions are via merriam-webster.
on to my post:
Since I’m white, I don’t really feel that it’s my place to say how offended people of another race are allowed to be, regarding a word that is used toward them in a derogatory way. Especially since the word carries a lot of emotional weight, historically.
I don’t think that such words should be removed from the dictionary, however. Some words are hateful, but have been part of the English language for a long time. Not putting a word into the dictionary does not mean that the word no longer exists. We, as a country, spend entirely too much time ignoring our collective problem with race as it is, and I don’t see how trying to delete or redefine offensive words will help the situation. Ignoring the race problem is not making it go away, and removing slurs from a dictionary isn’t going to make people stop saying that word. The “n” word is offensive to a lot of people, as it was used during a particularaly shameful time in our history. But do we want to forget this time? I know a lot of people would like to, but a forgotten past is more likely to be repeated. It isn’t as though Websters hasn’t noted that the “n” word is a slur, and made it clear that the word is offensive. When we try to sanitize everything, it just makes it easier to forget what a nasty world this is sometimes. And if we just gloss over everything, will anything ever have a hope of being fixed?
Also, I’d like to point out that I can definitely see how the definition of “McJobs” could offend the people that work there. I did my time in a restaurant (though not McDonalds), and it was one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had. It’s true that the job didn’t pay well, and there wasn’t much chance of advancement, and I didn’t particularly care, since it was just a summer job for me to get by. But I do think the definition has somewhat of an elitist ring to it. It’s easy for people that have probably never worked at a physically taxing job a day in their life to be so flippant about something like that. Imagine what that definition must sound like to someone that will be working at a job like that for the rest of their life. Pretty depressing, huh?
The “n” word is offensive, and “McJob” can be considered offensive as well. They are disagreeable in different ways, to be sure. The “n” word has more history behind it, for one thing. But both words smack of elitist snark, and are derogatory. Yet both have a place in the dictionary as common parlance, and, if anything, to remind us that throughout history, belittling others has always been important to the human race.
[radio|democracy now - wmnf 88.5]
well, fitzmas has begun. it feels so far like i’ve only gotten socks. but they’re cool socks, like the baby phat ones with the kitties on. so all is not lost, but what about rove? and cheney? c’mon! i wanted a damn bratz house, not socks. even if they’re cool socks.
waiting is hell…
[tv|i love the 80s - vh1]
according to the mash game on the bratz website, i’m going to marry kevin ogilvie, live in a mansion, be a mum, and drive a mini. sweet. :lol:
and we have interview! he called this morning and we talked on the phone for a bit regarding the job. i’ll be going in to interview with him and another guy, next monday.
aside from that, this morning has been bloody awful. i took brumby out this morning, then brought him back in and gave him breakfast. i went back to bed, like i always do, and he started that weird noise he makes when he’s soiled his bedding. (we’ve only put his bedding in his crate twice now, and both times he’s soiled it. so no more bedding til he’s housebroken.) so i go to look, and there’s a piece of poo about a foot away from his crate. i was wondering how he managed to projectile-poo that far when i notice that there’s plenty more, all over the floor of his crate. he shat on his towel, and i guess tried to bury the rest of it with his towel and toys. of course, he wouldn’t sit still while i tried to clean it up, so out on the porch he went. he barked and made tons of noise while i threw his towel and cloth toy in the wash. (after removing as much poo as possible, of course.) then i had to clean his crate and hand-wash his non-cloth toys. damn good times.
then the power went out.
i had just put brumby back in his crate when the power went out. i kept trying to call sohei, but his phone was dead. so the power came back on, and i saw on the news that miers was withdrawing, which makes me happy. sohei, however, is suspicious.
and then the guy called about the job, and i was so harried, i thought he asked to speak to sohei. which confused the hell out of me, of course. so i sounded like an idiot to start with. i think i may sounded better over the course of the conversation, but who knows? not me.
anyway, i can’t stay in here much longer coz it smells like dog crap, even though i cleaned the hell out of everything.
[tv|paula's home cooking - food network]
i’ve been reading a lot lately about the ds and some of the games available on it. as usual, sohei doesn’t want me to get it. (he was pretty pissed when my parents gave me the gba i asked for as a birthday gift a few years back.) but that’s not going to stop me from asking one of our parents for it for christmas. :nyah: there’s a pink one out now, but it’s a limited time thing. besides, i’ve heard from some people that it’s ugly. the silver would prolly be better anyway, in case sohei decides he wants to use it. so, to prove to sohei that there are games i (and he) actually want on this system, and to remind me which games i want to look into, here is my nintendo ds wishlist:
advance wars: dual strike (sohei would prolly like this)
age of empires 2 (again, for sohei as well)
animal crossing ds
black and white creatures
dynasty warriors (for sohei)
electroplankton
final fantasy: crystal chronicles
harvest moon ds
lost in blue
monster rancher
new super mario bros.
nintendogs (lab version)
organizer plus (hey, this means i can stop begging sohei for a pda)
secret of mana
shogun warrior: real time conflict (for sohei)
sprung
super mario 64 ds
super princess peach
the sims 2
the urbz: sims in the city (maybe… already played it on a different system)
zoo tycoon
mind you, this list could be pared down after i read more about these games. there are other ones that i’d prolly like to rent, too. i’ve wanted the system since i found out that animal crossing was going to be on it, but i want it even more if it’s going to have organizer software. i can’t wait til christmas. :lol:
[tv|ignoring]
i got another email from school yesterday with a job listing. it’s for a small nursing school nearby. for some reason, i didn’t feel too excited about it yesterday, and didn’t start on my resume til today. so i looked up the school and it’s only a few miles from my house. and i think it’s near sohei’s work. i’d be working from 8 am through 1 pm, so it’s part time. i have no idea how much it pays, but at this point, i don’t care. so i was working on my resume, when i realized i’m probably way more qualified than most of my classmates, due to my medical transcription experience. so i’m stupidly allowing myself to get excited about my chances. who knows, though? maybe there are a lot of library students out there with medical vocational degrees. maybe one of them has a degree in nursing. many of them already have another masters degree, so why not? anyway, it’s worth a shot. and i’m really hoping i get this, coz otherwise i don’t know how i’ll be paying for school next semester…
| Soundtrack To Your Life | |
| Opening Credits: | paranoid android – radiohead |
| Waking Up: | i wanna be sedated – ramones |
| Average Day: | 6 underground – sneaker pimps |
| First Date: | happiness – front 242 |
| Falling In Love: | hyper-ballad – bjork |
| Sex Scene: | cannibal song – ministry |
| Fight Scene: | still don’t give a fuck – eminem |
| Breakup: | bleed – tapping the vein |
| Getting Back Together: | love song – jack off jill |
| Great Day: | today – smashing pumpkins |
| Horrible Day: | spasmolytic – skinny puppy |
| Mental Breakdown: | blackout – muse |
| Driving: | jesus built my hotrod – ministry |
| Figuring It Out The Hard Way: | curious – die warzau |
| Flashback: | here – mark saunders remix (gravity kills) |
| Partying: | naked eye – luscious jackson |
| Regretting: | tomorrow comes today – gorillaz |
| Long Night Alone: | flute song – cranes |
| Death Scene: | red hair whisper – rosewater elizabeth |
| Closing Credits: | just one fix – meg lee chin |
| Take this survey | Find more surveys You’ve been totally Bzoink*d |
|
wow. it’s kind of hard to make a decent sound track, ya know? there were so many songs i wanted to include… anyway, i think it’s pretty fitting.
[radio|wmnf 88.5]
a quick recap of my weekend:
juchan arrived friday night, and we ate a kick-ass dinner. seriously, that was one of the best lasagnas i think i ever made. and we had garlic and cheese bread and salad and everything. which was good, coz the poor kids were starving. and then we went to the liquor store and got margarita fixins, and walked brumby, and watched sixteen candles, which i’ve never seen before. but i’m old and tired and we went to bed after that. (i am teh suck as a hostess.)
the next morning, juchan and i were chatting and playing with brumby, and deciding what to do for the day when gakun got a call from their roommates. apparently, juchan’s cat, gigi, escaped through a window that the roommates had left open. you can imagine how they felt about that… so gakun and juchan left pretty quickly. i felt so terrible, imagining that poor kitty roaming around in all the storms we had over the weekend. thankfully, after much searching, gigi came back home and was found in a bush in the front yard on sunday morning. poor fellow. he’d been out in the rain and was soaked. but at least he’s safe now. :happy:
and sohei had monday off, due to the possibility of a hurricane. but it didn’t come here, and we had the best weather ever, so we took brumby to the park. there had been a cold front, and the sun was shining, and it was really windy. it was nice. and there were these kids there, and one of them ran around with brumby and went down the slide with him. the other kid was kind of afraid of him, though. it was very cute. i’m glad he likes kids so much, coz i was kind of afraid of having a dog that wouldn’t get along with zoe.
so it was a pretty lazy weekend. gamefly sent sohei tales of symphonia (i think that’s what it’s called) and we’ve been playing that constantly. and i’ve been playing harvest moon on my gba during the travel/fight bits. i don’t mind a weekend like that.
the water has been turned off every damn day this week. i’ve never lived somewhere where the water was out this much. it’s ridiculous. i feel like i’m in a third world country… there are a million things i need to do before juchan gets here, and i need water for almost all of them. i haven’t been able to do laundry all week thanks to having no water, so i desperately need to wash clothes. i also need to scrub the guest bathroom, take a shower, brush my teeth, and clean the casserole dish i need to make tonight’s meal. i’d like to know what the fuck they’re doing that the water has had to be off so fucking much. we were right in the middle of trying to wash brumby when the damn water went out again. i think we managed to rinse him off alright before it shut off entirely. didn’t really get to finish the job, though, so his snout is still a mess. what a pain in the ass.
edit: apparently, the morons that have been wrecking our driveways keep hitting the water mains. yeah, this is much better than having unsightly cracks in our driveways caused by tree roots. i’ve been forced awake way too early all week from the noise of trees being torn down and chipped and driveways being ripped up, as well as all the noisy fucking construction vehicles driving up and down the damn street. and now i find out that this useless waste of a project is also at fault for the water being off all week. i’m fucking fed up with this shit. i didn’t even want this project to go forward to begin with. i’d rather have trees than perfect driveways. who gives a shit if they’re cracked? as long as you can drive on them, i don’t see the problem. it’s a huge waste of money (hence the astronomical rise in fees this year, partly), and it’s also a pain in the fucking ass.
[music|apocalypse please - muse]
the worst day of my life happened a year ago today. i got up before dawn, went to the airport, bungled my way through security all alone, and spent most of the morning in a panic, hoping to reach her side before she passed. the minute the plane had touched down in atlanta, i had turned on my cell phone and called dad to ask if she were still there. then i waited some more for my next flight, still in a panic. i was so out of it that i didn’t even recognize my uncle, who was waiting for me at the airport in raleigh, while dad drove in circles, awaiting my arrival. after i hugged him, the first words out of my mouth were, “is she still alive?” she was when they left. so in the car, i greeted dad, then asked if we were going straight to the hospital. he said we were, and kind of briefed me on the situation. so i’d know what to expect.
it didn’t help.
i’ve already told the story, though. and i’m not up to telling it again today.
i miss you so much, mum. i can’t help it. i’m still so used to calling you on mondays that the day hasn’t completely lost its lonely, melancholy feeling since losing you. i know we’re essentially the same. i know you’re still technically here. but i miss jackie. i miss being hugged. and i keep remembering our last hug, and wishing i’d appreciated it more. i took for granted that i’d be able to hug you again. but that day, i’d had other things on my mind. once you and dad left and were on the road, i had a lot to do. i felt the sad emptiness i always felt when we had to part. so i can’t even say it was some kind of psychic thing. though i was told later that you’d cried in the car and said it felt like that was the last time you’d see me.
and almost exactly three months later, she was gone.
[music|if - gravity kills]
despite my best efforts to feel mopey this week, the world has other plans. no, i didn’t get the job i really wanted/needed, and the anniversary of mum’s death is tomorrow. and i keep having these weird feeling flashbacks to last year. this time last year, i spent the day praying (an act of desperation, sohei, i assure you) that mum would still be around by the time i got to nc. i feel incredibly stupid, in hindsight, that i waited an extra day to go so that i could attend the midterm review in my wednesday night class. (yeah, i got an ‘a’ in that class, but who gives a shit now? not me.) i spent the day worrying that mum was already gone. needless to say, i didn’t sleep well that night.
but, like i was saying, the world will not allow me to wallow in my misery. yesterday, i was named communication chairperson for the stewardship committee at church. i’m sure this doesn’t seem like a big deal to anyone, but i was honored. i spent most of the meeting thinking, “wow. they picked me. why would they pick a dumb kid like me? wait, i’m an adult now.” i had to keep reminding myself that i wasn’t a teenager anymore, and it was perfectly acceptable to placed in such a post. because i sure don’t feel like an adult most of the time. there are two people on my “team” (i don’t know what to call it… subcommittee?), and if sohei works for me, that’ll be three. my responsibilities are drafting the case statement for the church leadership (with lots of charts and graphs), designing the stewardship brochure (with lots of pictures), and writing summaries in our church newsletter. so far. and there are tons of events with important people, and i’m supposed to attend them.
i am overwhelmed with power.
seriously, though, i think this will be fun. and interesting. and like any situation where i’m given something important to do, i’m terrified of failing miserably. this time, however, i really believe i can do a good job. hopefully.
and i learned the church library’s database software really quickly. i think i got a lot done on that yesterday, before the meeting. so i know it isn’t all that important, but these activities make me feel like a useful human being again.
coz being told daily that everything i say is stupid, by sohei, hasn’t been great for my self esteem.
and, as if being a chairperson wasn’t enough, juchan called this morning and asked if it was okay to visit tomorrow. seeing as… and i said of course. so that will make the day a lot less depressing. and they’ve been kind of broke lately, so i promised to feed them a lot of awesome food. and sohei said we’d get some stuff to make drinks with. i can’t wait to see her… i just hope the hurricane doesn’t kill us all.
i do feel badly for dad, though. i mean, he won’t be alone tomorrow. but how much comfort is he going to get from his girlfriend on the anniversary of his wife’s death? i called him last night to see if he got in safely from his trip, and to tell him the good news about church. and he sounded really tired. i don’t know if it was because he’d just gotten home or if he was thinking about mum, too. but when i called, he was cleaning his cat, grace’s, crap off the dining room carpet. and i told sohei i bet he was thinking, “if jackie were still here, this would have been cleaned up before i got home from my trip.” but sohei didn’t agree that my dad thinks like that. well, that’s what i would have been thinking. then maybe feeling bad that mum had to clean up so many cat messes. at any rate, i think maybe yesterday was probably difficult for him. and i think tomorrow may be, too. poor dad.
and everyone has me worried about his girlfriend now. sohei thinks she’s a gold digger. coz she moved in with him so quickly and still doesn’t have a job. i’m not sure she cooks much or anything, either. it seems like dad still does most of the time. and she obviously doesn’t clean up after grace. and i’m not entirely sure, but i think maybe juchan thinks she’s a gold digger, too. i honestly didn’t think so. i didn’t want to think that, anyway. and i think it’s unfair to say that without even knowing her. but sohei says you don’t have to meet someone to know they’re a gold digger. i dunno. but i’ll be sure to call dad tomorrow.
anyway, i have to go do some housework and stuff.
Daily Kos: Dealing With Fitzmas
you know, this is funny, coz i was just telling sohei the other day that waiting for the investigation results was like the anticipation i feel before christmas. i know that it’s sick and it’s wrong, but i feel like doing the dance of joy™ every time i think about the karmic repercussions that may be ahead for some people that couldn’t deserve it more.
a year ago today, i woke up to my phone going off, with a vague feeling of dread. i was feeling a bit off anyway, due to waking earlier from a nightmare which left me in a panicked state for some time, before finally going back to a troubled sleep. (*this nightmare was one event of three that all happened around if not at the same time.) i answered, and it was dad. he tried to start out pleasantly, and i clung for a few seconds to a naive hope that nothing was wrong. then he told me mum had a stroke during the night, and she wasn’t going to be alive much longer. at the time, we thought she would be gone within a few hours.
i can’t even describe the overwhelming feeling of grief i experienced at that moment. after getting off the phone, i just slumped to the floor and sobbed til i couldn’t breathe. i wanted to die. i wanted everything to just stop. but it didn’t end. and the phone calls started. and i had to pretend that my life wasn’t over.
i spent the rest of the day trying to take my mind off things, but wondering constantly if she was still here. i drank a lot. i didn’t go to class. and i went to sleep hoping she’d miraculously be okay when i woke the next day.
(*everyone has speculated that i had my nightmare at the same time our cat, whiskers, died, which also happened at the same time mum had her stroke. if it wasn’t simultaneous, it was very close. in my nightmare, whiskers had run away from me and jumped in a lake, swimming right into the jaws of an alligator. it was snapping her up when i woke in a panic, feeling like something essential had been torn from me. i’ve been panicked after nightmares before, but i felt empty and in terrible pain all at once. it’s hard to describe.)
i just got an email informing me that someone else was picked for the job. i’m so glad i spent a day working on my resume, then spent a miserable saturday at the mall, wasting a bunch of money on clothes i couldn’t really afford and will seldom be able to wear. unless i get a job that pays pretty damn well by the end of the month, i won’t be going back to school next semester.
[music|lazybones - soul coughing]
there’s that feeling again. like something is going to happen. except that this time i can’t decide whether i’m excited again, or whether i’m dreading it. i think, considering the events of the past year, that’s incredibly fair.
and i can’t tell whether brumby has just peed on the floor again, or whether it’s old mess. i’m out of anything to clean it with, anyway. so it’s moot, i guess. oh, the joys of pet ownership.
i do love my babies, though, seriously.
sohei compared my writing to the fake miers blog. i’m not too pleased about that, since it’s a damn lie.
that gold digger song is pretty good.
do you know how far away i’m going to be if we move to michigan? pretty far from beloved st. pete, but a lot closer to the safe haven of canada. what’s safe anymore? who knows? not me. there are cute places to live there, where we might be going. i’ve never been to michigan, even though it’s close to iowa. i suppose this means i could be seeing a lot more of my extended family while seeing a lot less of the immediate lot.
oh, what the hell are we doing?
and i don’t even know about poor zoe anymore. little zoey joey, who doesn’t stand a chance.
so quit pressuring me all the time, people. do everything now, you say. or life will go badly, you say. give me tons of money then, bitches, i say. coz that’s the only way any of it will get done.
who cares, though? the world is apparently ending anyway.
for people like sohei, that don’t believe that weight discrimination has anything to do with getting a job:
hell, just read a few random postings from their discrimination archive. this site is pretty good, too.
[music|the bed's too big without you - the police]
this song reminds me of the night i moved in with chris. it came on while we were driving to his apartment. i was incredibly excited to finally be leaving home, but also a little upset about the fight that provoked my leaving. and, being the stubborn bastard i am, i did not move back home, despite the fact that i finally started getting along with my parents again. so this song kind of stirs up all these thoughts in me.
even though it was eight years ago this month that it happened, it doesn’t seem that far away.
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You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy) |
![]() You’re a great thinker and a true philosopher. You’d make a talented professor or writer. |
i’m sure i’ve done this before, but i was curious how my beliefs have changed. i don’t know why christianity is so high on the list, considering my lack of belief in god or god incarnations (jesus). maybe it has to do with my contemporary beliefs or something. aside from that, i’m not surprised by much of the list, i guess.
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[radio|radioactivity - wmnf 88.5]
i don’t update much lately, huh?
on saturday, sohei and i volunteered at the earth charter summit. we handed out parking passes, gave directions, etc. it was neat being back at my old school. and rob lorei walked by and i waved, but i was too lame to say anything, like how i love his show. (which i happen to be listening to now.) and after he went into the building, i shouted across the intersection where sohei was stationed, and hopped up and down and mouthed, “i just saw rob lorei!” which confused him at first. but then he laughed and shouted, “are you trying to say you just met rob?” and i nodded, laughing behind my sign. because i’m a total mark. then we got to go in and listen to him talk for a few minutes, and he did a good job. then we listened to the keynote speech by ron hill, which was super awesome. he was very funny, and i don’t think enough people laughed at him. i wanted to tell him i thought he was hilarious, but then i couldn’t find him. so we ate lunch and ended up volunteering for more church activites. then we left to let poor brumby out.
then on sunday, sohei and i joined our local unitarian universalist church.
there was a nice ceremony and everything. only one person from the classes joined with us, though. there were a couple of other people, too. and then there was cake. w00t. but really, it’s a great church, and i’m glad to be part of it.
and i was talking to juchan last night, and apparently dad was telling her about his girlfriend. she’s a major fundamentalist. :shocked: as in: no santa claus, no halloween, etc. she’s going to think i’m satan. :cry: i’m not sure whether mum told dad that i’m bi, but if he doesn’t know, i’m sure as hell not telling him. coz then i’m sure his g/f will find out and really hate me. bloody hell. i’m hoping i’ll be relieved when i meet her, but who knows? also, if she’s so religious, why is she living with dad? :confused:
oh, and on the show i’m listening to, this guy is saying cjd (mad cow) is often being confused with alzheimer’s. my dad, as a usda employee, says that cjd is under control in this country, but i keep hearing differently elsewhere. his own father is dying from “alzheimer’s.” isn’t it rather ironic that it’s my dad’s job to rid the country of animal-bourne disease, and his father could be dying of one? i just sent sohei an email saying i’m never eating beef again. in fact, i really want to be a vegetarian, and have for a long time, but sohei will not go without meat. i can feel my brain deteriorating already…
You Are Changing Leaves |
![]() |
that was creepy.
Your Hair Should Be Orange |
![]() Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off “weird” well – hardly anyone notices. |
here are the pics of my baby dog, as promised. he’s 12 weeks old. (born 7/13)
Salon.com Books | Girls gone wild:
The picture that Levy paints is more than a little grim: raunch culture, which is essentially misogynist, callow, simplistic and ubiquitous, breeds women-hating-women who angle for power with men and propagate more raunch under the deceitful guise of feminist empowerment.
this is a topic i’ve been meaning to write about for a while, but haven’t had the time or inclination. after reading this article, which sohei pointed out to me at lunch, i finally feel inspired to talk about it. is the new female “raunch culture” really a form of women’s liberation? are we showing how empowered we’ve become? or have we been tricked into this behavior by a capitalist society mainly run by men? is “girl power” all about the freedom to run around in skimpy outfits and act as boorish as men have been for ages? it’s a bit tricky.
Levy goes further. “In this new formulation of raunch feminism, stripping is as valuable to elevating womankind as gaining an education or supporting rape victims,” she writes. “Throwing a party where women grind against each other in their underwear while fully clothed men watch them is suddenly part of the same project as marching on Washington for reproductive rights.” This unlikely feat is possible because in 2005, there’s no consensus on what feminism, or a feminist, is — there are S/M feminists, radical lesbian feminists, NOW and Planned Parenthood feminists, even some pro-lifers who call themselves feminists. While the big-tent approach to feminism has created space for everyone, it has also allowed for conservatism, exploitation and commercialism to pollute women’s hard-won gains.
i do think, regarding raunch feminism, that commercialism has intruded as it has in almost every other culture, and polluted something that could improve so many lives. as a fat chick, i can tell you, there are a multitude of conflicting ideas on what being a strong woman is about. i’m supposed to be proud of my body, and love it no matter what. but at the same time, i’m constantly inundated with images of women that i could never hope to look like in a million years, and told to look that way or suffer. (frankly, i don’t like the stick look, and typically have no desire to look like that.) so, on a daily basis, i’m encouraged to love myself for who i am, then told in the next breath that i could stand to lose 100 lbs. that if i don’t wear skimpy clothing, i’m boring, and setting back the women’s movement, but if i do wear it, i’m surely disgusting the populace with my unsightly body and, of course, setting back the women’s movement. so what’s a girl to do? aside from occasionally fantasizing about going on killing sprees, and banging her head on her desk in frustration?
oh, did you want an answer? i certainly don’t have one. if you come up with something, though, do let me know.
thanks to the bipolar society i live in, i have some personal thoughts on the matter. this doesn’t mean you have to agree with me. but, as of this moment, this is what i think about all of this:
a woman should be proud of her body. this does not have to mean she should become a stripper or dress like a skank. you can be proud of your body without becomming an object for men to drool all over. i can see how some women would equate this attention with having control over a man, or allowing them to be on the same level as a man. but you aren’t really on the same level, are you? or better? does a man have to behave this way to get your respect? not typically. so should a woman have to do this? besides, just because a man is ogling you doesn’t mean you have his respect. yes, you’ve reduced him to a slavering idiot, which admittedly can feel good or empowering. but what are you getting out of it? he might spend money on you, or act like like he cares about what you say. but all he really cares about is your body. and once you’ve had sex with him, chances are you won’t be hearing from him — or getting any money out of him — again. (just ask a stripper.) i guess if you’re okay with someone being primarily focused on your looks, that’s your business. but don’t fool yourself into thinking it makes you some kind of feminist. any power you have over a man in this way is purely superficial. it’s pretty sad if a woman believes that the only way she can level the playing field is by taking her clothes off. unless we prove to men that there’s more to us than perfect face, tits, and ass, we’re never going to get anywhere. flashing your tits to millions of people in exchange for a free t-shirt doesn’t empower you. it makes you into a (really cheap) object. the guys watching girls gone wild don’t care about your personality. they don’t care about who you are, as a human being. you’ve just become something for them to jack off to, or joke with their buddies about. to them, you’re just another dumb slut, and you’re making the rest of us look bad, so cut it out.
and this treachery and sabotage women practice on one another has to stop, too. again, this smacks of yet more victimization at the hands of a capitalist, patriarchal society. why do we do this to each other? fighting over men? always trying to show everyone else up? and the gossip… telling your friends that jane is a slut, then going out to a bar in your undies and drunkenly hitting on her boyfriend? then making out with a bunch of other girls in a sad effort to attract attention and maybe hook up with some other drunken loser? what the fuck, ladies? it makes me wonder about the world we live in when women can only feel good about themselves by getting men to ogle them or by making other women feel like shit. why are we constantly forced to compete with each other, or made to feel that we have no other choice? why do we buy into this? we need to band together and prove that our self esteem goes beyond “winning” a man or fitting into a size 0. enough with the back-stabbing.
we don’t need to act like whores or take on men’s worst personality traits to get ahead. if things are that way now, it’s because we’ve allowed it to happen. if we refuse to go that route, men will be forced to appreciate us for the same qualities in which they are judged. you should get a job because you’re smart, confident, and qualified, not because your outfit enhances your physical assets. yeah, it’s our bodies that set us apart from men. we have things they don’t, which is part of the mystique that has attracted men to us from time immemorial. but we’re not neanderthals anymore. while some of us may be mentally stuck in that period, it’s really time we moved on.
so enough of just shrugging and saying, “that’s the way it is.” it doesn’t have to be that way. quit fighting your sisters, and start fighting the society that’s trying to make you into an object, and trying to hold you down. don’t just accept what the media is selling as the perfect woman. if you happen to be hot, great. and you should be allowed to wear whatever you like. or be anything you want, even if that means being a stripper or porn star. but at least realize why you want to do these things, and be honest about it. if you’re dressing to impress men, don’t claim it’s about “girl power” or something. we already have the right to pretty much wear whatever we want, so it’s not like you’re taking the fight to the streets when you wear daisy dukes. if you’re wearing them because you happen to like them, fine. wear things that make you look good for yourself, not to make men hot or other women jealous. it’s not really furthering the cause, otherwise…
or maybe you don’t care about feminism at all. if you’re a woman, then you’re kind of shooting yourself in the foot, as far as that goes. but i’m not going to force it on anyone. just understand that the brand of feminism that’s being sold right now is the brainchild of a rich, white, out-of-touch man. sure, there a
re some female executives taking part in this, too. but, as far as i’m concerned, they’re just selling out their own.
we’re all in this together, ladies. it’s time to put the pasties and knives away, and focus on the real issues facing women. and i’m betting you won’t find any answers in cosmo.
Yet as Levy points out, being the exception that proves the rule — the girl who gets raunch, who laughs at Howard Stern — just means the rules are still intact. As long as “acting like a man” is valued, acting like a woman will be devalued. And regardless of how you understand gender, being a woman — having breasts, bleeding once a month — will be a handicap.
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Your Personality Is |
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You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can’t make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you’ve likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours. |
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You Are Japanese Food |
![]() Strange yet delicious. Contrary to popular belief, you’re not always eaten raw. |
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You Are Balanced – Skeptic – Empowered |
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You feel your life is controlled both externally and internally. You have a good sense of what you can control and what you should let go. Depending on the situation, you sometimes try to exert more control. Other times, you accept things for what they are and go with the flow. You are a total skeptic when it comes to luck. You believe that people use luck as a crutch to avoid responsibility. You control your own destiny. The universe has nothing to do with it. You believe everything can be explained – and you tend to over analyze situations. You have a good deal of power, but you also know the pecking order. You realize that working the system does get you further. You know who to defer to and who to control. When it comes to the game of life, you play things flawlessly. |
[music|feel good, inc. - gorillaz]
blogger is being a pain in the ass about publishing today…
and when will i quit having all these nightmares?
actually, i was in the midst of a lovely sex dream this morning (the only good dream i’ve had in what seems like weeks) when sohei woke me to remind me that brumby needed walking.
and i finally got my diploma today.
meh, i’m still sick. i’ve had a cold for a week now, which is weird coz i usually get about one a year, and i just had one in august…
anyway, i guess the interview went okay. don’t know. i took my ring out, and the hole didn’t seal over this time. w00t. and i wore my lucky underwear, and i think i looked pretty nice. sohei took my picture before we left, and i’ll post it later. with pics of brumby. the pic isn’t great coz my hair was still kind of wet, so it looks flat.
yeah, so. i’ll find out in a couple weeks whether i got the job. i need a drink.
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