[music|with or without you - u2]

it is still driving me crazy that my page looks bloody awful in anything other than explorer. i’m too tired/lazy/busy to fix it, though. and juchan’s page is in desperate need of fixing as well. however, i need to figure out what’s wrong with my page, so i know what to do about hers. if anyone’s feeling particularly bored/generous, please tell me how to make my page look, in firefox, how it looks in explorer? unless it would take you forever, in which case, never mind. in the meantime, just view my page in explorer, coz it’s a total embarrassment otherwise. also, i can’t get the music rss thingy to get rid of the spaces between the lines.

i am so braindead lately. i blame school, and brumby for waking us before 7 a.m. every morning.

[tv|ignoring]

guess who has an interview on monday? it’s for that online librarian job. i am both nervous and excited. i need this so badly. my interview skills suck, though. i don’t do “confident.” still, it’s certainly worth a try. i wonder how many people i’m up against… i need to get a haircut, dye my hair, and get a decent interview outfit. and a lip ring i can take in and out a little easier. sohei says i should just wear this one outfit i have, but that was an outfit i wore to try for secretarial work. unsuccessfully, i might add. this is a real job, and i want a more business-type outfit. but we all know how he is about shelling out money for clothes. (still no white bra. still wearing jeans with gaping holes in both knees. etc.)

anyway, things are going well with brumby. he’s so well behaved — for the most part — and friendly and adorable. we took him for a walk last night, and he kept up pretty well. he’s definitely harder to take care of than neko, but it’s also so fun to take him places.

as usual lately, i haven’t much time to post. i have a big assignment due by saturday, and to complete it, i have to go to two different kinds of libraries, and hang out at the reference desk and take notes on some stuff. then write a paper about it. so i have to go get ready coz tonight i’m going to the local library. and tomorrow night, i’m going to the stetson law library. w00t.

we drove all the way to orlando yesterday and got our mini schnauzer. he was the only one left when we got there, and he was also the biggest, apparently. we named him brumby. i took him to juchan’s house, and everyone thought he was cute. he’s a bit of a handful, tho, so i can’t write much more. full story and pics to follow. when i finally have time. :wink:

[tv|ignoring]

part of what started today’s racial diatribe was a result of a conversation at uu101 on thursday. (which i haven’t talked about yet, but prolly will.) one of the guys was talking about how pissed off he was at this article. which is what i was getting at when i was referring to liberal self-righteous fury. you already know how i feel about the subject, but wanted to share this with you, anyway.

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Sister Machine Gun of Enlightened Compassion.

Get yours.

[tv|ego trip's race-o-rama: in race we lust - vh1]

gah, why does race have to be such a big deal?? i’ve been watching the above show, and it’s kind of depressing. and when i first saw a picture of dad’s girlfriend, the first thing i thought was, “wow, she’s really cute! how did dad manage to end up with someone that good-looking?” which was then followed by, “ya know, i hope no one gives them any trouble.” i do think they’ll be okay. it seems like most racist people just keep it to themselves nowadays. mostly.

just watching these shows and the depictions of different races on tv throughout time, though, makes me wince. it’s a difficult line to walk, in some ways. on the one hand, it would be nice if people could see beyond color and stereotypes. on the other, if everyone were “colorless” they’d miss out on their history and heritage. and while you have your crazy kkk racists, you have your liberal apologists, which can be embarrassing, too. let’s face it, most white people have no idea what it’s like to be black. or of any other race for that matter. so to claim something like that just sounds ignorant. also, in my case, my family is — with the exception of my nana’s grandmother — completely european. english, danish, and polish-jewish. and we didn’t arrive in this country til the 20th century, none of us in the south. so i doubt we owned slaves. but, as sohei will point out, white people are the cause of a lot of problems, in a lot of places, throughout history. we’re evil, he says. so i’m sure there are some atrocities lingering in my family’s past. i don’t like when people use generalities, but i can’t get all defensive and offended when another race feels disenfranchised due to something my race did. i am not my race, and there’s more to me than that. but that goes for everyone. i just think it’s funny when left-leaning people get all bent out of shape when a black person makes fun of or accuses them of something. because they’re “more enlightened” somehow. i will repeat that i think generalizing is pretty much crap. still, you see that so much these days. “i’m pissed that you’re calling me racist, or prejudiced, because i never did anything to you.” that’s an understandable sentiment. but it’s completely possible that you did something to this person indirectly. like getting into college, getting a job, or even getting a much sought-after house or apartment, in their place. because you’re white. no, it wasn’t your choice. and you can’t help that you were born white. but in this society, whether you want to admit it or not, being white gives you a definite advantage. i know that pisses a lot of people off. there are a lot of people that insist that there’s no more racism in the good ol’ u.s. of a. sorry, but that’s a damn lie. and if it upsets you that much to hear, and you’re in such denial, then you’re a little disconnected from reality, maybe.

i saw this a lot in the aftermath of katrina. people would insist that it wasn’t a race issue. bull. shit. no, the hurricane didn’t choose to “attack” poor black people. (by the way, if you’re one of the people that chose to refute my statement with that, in any number of arguments i had after the disaster, you’re an idiot.) but our government chose to ignore them.

“What I’m hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them.” –Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on the hurricane evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 5, 2005

“You simply get chills every time you see these poor individuals…many of these people, almost all of them that we see are so poor and they are so black, and this is going to raise lots of questions for people who are watching this story unfold.” –CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, on New Orleans’ hurricane evacuees, Sept. 1, 2005

(i was chatting with juchan on aim when i saw him say this, firsthand, and i remember juchan saying, “wtf?? is he going to get fired for that?” no, he just said something stupid. and if you could get fired for that, bush wouldn’t be president anymore.)

“We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn’t do it, but God did.” –Rep. Richard Baker (R-LA) to lobbyists, as quoted in the Wall Street Journal

“But I really didn’t hear that at all today. People came up to me all day long and said ‘God bless your son,’ people of different races and it was very, very moving and touching, and they felt like when he flew over that it made all the difference in their lives, so I just don’t hear that.” –Former First Lady Barbara Bush to CNN’s Larry King, after King asked her how she felt when people said that her son “doesn’t care” about race, Sept. 5, 2005

“A young [black] man walks through chest deep floodwater after looting a grocery store in New Orleans…”
“Two [white] residents wade through chest-deep water after finding bread and soda from a local grocery store after Hurricane Katrina came through the area in New Orleans…” –captions at Yahoo News, Aug. 30, 2005

we, as a country, won’t be able to eradicate racism until we’re willing to admit that it’s a problem. until then, we’ll keep walking around with our eyes shut, fingers in our ears, getting pissed off when someone dares to point out how unfair the status quo is. and nothing will ever change because “there’s no problem.”

[music|once i flew - white town]

we’ve called just about everyone with ads for scotties and mini schnauzers, and they’re all either a) too expensive b) too old or c) sold out. and, mind you, the search has gone state-wide. and we still visit the spca often, of course. we went last night, and there were no small dogs available at all, and only four puppies, all of which were pit bulls. so, obviously, i’m just going to have to be patient. and we all know how great i am at that…

and last night i overheard some of sohei’s conversation with his dad. he was telling him about the puppy search, and his dad was surprised, coz he thinks i don’t like dogs. (he thinks this coz his german shepard terrifies the hell out of me on a regular basis, what with his being gigantic and jumpy and snappy and all. i do like fritz, too, he’s just crazyscary.) and sohei says, “well, she doesn’t ask for much, so i figure if she wants a puppy, she should have one.” i can’t tell you how much hearing that has meant to me. i don’t even really know why. i guess i assume he thinks i’m some kind of burden most of the time — which is prolly more of a father issue than husband issue — so i was just really touched to hear that. i mean, i don’t ask for much. but for him to say so made me really happy. :blush:

then the other day, we were watching food network, and sohei asks, “why don’t you ever cook paula deen’s recipes?” and i said that i did, but if i did that regularly, i’d look like paula. and did he want that? (not that she isn’t a pretty lady, coz she is. but she also prolly outweighs me by 30ish lbs. and considering i’m about 50 lbs overweight as it is… well.) he shrugged and said, “well it’s not like you’re going to be young forever. who cares what you weigh? i just want to eat well.” i suppose you could take this one of two ways, but i decided to take it in a good way. at least he’s realistic, right? :lol: sohei’s priorities: 1) good food 2) hot thin wife.

i complain about him sometimes, but he can be a great guy. and when i’m not mad at him, i can see where he’s coming from a lot. and though he doesn’t say so, i know he’s the same way. he really has been working on his temper, which i’m really glad about, obviously. and though i’m still annoyed about his not helping me out with my resume, i know why he did that. he honestly thinks that if i’m forced to do it myself, i’ll learn how. i still don’t agree, though. i’m obviously not learning anything, and i’m totally stuck. and i never heard back about an interview, so i’m thinking i failed again. but i don’t think he’s trying to sabotage me. i think he honestly believes i’ll learn from this. unfortunately, i’m no closer to a decent resume or a job, but if i ever get there, at least i’ll know i did it myself. no great comfort, however, because right now i have no way to pay for school next semester. which could be a problem, coz i have to finish asap, since it’s looking like we may be going out of state for his law school adventure. and there’s no way i can pay out of state tuition.

but i guess i should talk about that, since he’s not going to. he got an offer from the university of michigan. (which is ranked #8 law school in the country.) the letter he got said they’d love (underlined in blue ink) for him to apply, and eagerly await his application. :ooh: his dad and i are mightily impressed. he’s going to apply to about five schools, and i’ve picked a few for him. if i get my way, he’ll be applying to: university of chicago, university of michigan, duke, georgetown, and university of florida. (uf being his “safety school.”) i like northwestern, too, but we’re trying to limit the list to five. at first, we thought georgetown was a pipe dream, but after getting that letter from michigan (which is higher on the list) we figured he might as well just go for it.

i’m so proud of him. after mum died, he didn’t feel motivated to study for the lsat anymore. the exam was in december, less than two months after her death, and he didn’t want to take the test. he was dragging his feet right up until test day. but i told him, my sister and i were still going to school, and if we could do that he could take the test. so he did. and he got an awesome score. i’m sure mum would’ve been proud of him, too. (i do have to wonder what he might have scored if he’d studied more and wasn’t so depressed, but it doesn’t matter now.) i just wish he’d enjoy the process. to me, this is incredibly exciting. i look forward to seeing what other offers come in, and where we end up. he’s stressed about having to move and starting school again. and i’m a little stressed about being able to finish my library degree. but, overall, i can’t wait to see what’s going to happen next.

life can be exciting sometimes, ne?

[tv|everyday italian - food network]

still no luck regarding the puppy search. we’re assuming the woman sohei called will never get back to us… so we started looking state-wide last night. we’re pretty set on a scottish terrier puppy now. sohei found an ad from somewhere around ocala (i think) that seems kind of promising. another option is the schnauzer, of course. i think they’re so cute. :love: there’s a local ad for one at a decent price, but it doesn’t seem like sohei likes them as much as scotties, so i’ve been afraid to call. besides, apparently it makes me seem wishy-washy. i just don’t think we’re going to find a scottie for the price he wants to pay. and the schnauzer isn’t “second best” to me, coz i think they’re neat, too. but sohei thinks it means i’m settling. meh. i wish i could be more decisive…

[tv|ignoring]

everyone is stupid.

tell them i hate them.

[radio|democracy now]

…$1200??

we spent all weekend looking for a dog. we’ve been wanting a dog for a while, but decided to wait and see if we still wanted one later. well, we do. the idea of fostering a katrina victim animal kind of set things in motion. we didn’t get to foster an animal, as i’m sure i’ve mentioned. so we’ve been visiting the local spca. a lot. we found a dog we really liked on friday night. she’s a golden retreiver/chow mix. she looked so much like a fox, with reddish fur and tufts on the side of her face. the name on her cage was lexie, but we called her kitsune instead, which is japanese for fox. though as we discussed her throughout the evening, we shortened it to kitsu. we didn’t adopt her right away coz we kind of wanted a puppy, and we weren’t sure she was the right size. our condo association won’t allow us to have a dog over 18 inches tall. (no weight limit, though.) we went back on saturday, and she was still there. they let her out and we pet her and stuff, and asked the woman whether she thought, at 11 months, kitsu would get much bigger. she didn’t know. but it didn’t matter coz kitsu was over 20 inches. we had really been hoping we’d be able to adopt her, but we couldn’t risk bringing her home, only to have to give her up when the condo association decided to be nazis. so we left, and spent the rest of the weekend looking around.

this past weekend was supposed to be petsmart’s annual adoption weekend, so i called the four nearest stores to ask about the event. two of them said there would be puppies, and the other two said they would only have greyhounds. so i went to the first store and there wasn’t one puppy there. the next day, we drove all the way to the north of the county, and the people scheduled to be offering animals didn’t show. which pissed me off to no end. mostly because it was one of those operations out of someone’s home, and we haven’t been having a lot of luck with those people. these people keep all these animals at their houses, and foster out a few as well, i guess. they all want you to submit an application, to start with. then, they come and look at your house. that’s okay, coz i wouldn’t want an animal to end up in a bad home. but then they charge you way too much to adopt the animal (non-refundable, of course), and make you sign a contract which gives them the right to come back and inspect your home at any time they choose, however many times they like. um, no. i don’t mind the initial inspection. i might not even mind them coming back after a few months to see how the animal is getting along. but there’s no way i’m going to allow people i don’t even know to just come over any damn time they feel like, with little or no warning. not to mention, the terms of the contracts i saw are often so vague, it seems like they could take your animal back at any time, without a concrete reason. i’m sorry, but once you’ve found me worthy of owning the animal, and i shell out $300 for it, the animal is mine. especially since i won’t be getting any of my money back. and that’s another thing. what if neko and the dog don’t get along? neko was here first, so the dog would have to go. if i return the dog, they will be able to get the fee from whoever adopts it next. so why can’t we get our money back? we don’t have $300 to just throw around. and when one of these “organizations” is supposed to show up to an event that could help them to adopt out their animals to good homes, and they blow it off, it looks bad. it really seems like these places don’t want their animals adopted at all. and it’s really frustrating when you want a pet, presumably helping the animal in some way by giving it a good home, and it’s a huge pain, with obstacle after obstacle.

so we still haven’t found a dog. we’ve been to the spca and humane society so many times. there are never any puppies (aside from pit bulls – no.), which i’m totally willing to overlook. but there are no small dogs, either, and we aren’t allowed to have a large dog. and i’m not even going to bother with those smaller organizations, coz i’m not entirely sure of their real motives. so then we figured, the spca doesn’t need us to adopt a dog from them, since they obviously have no trouble finding them homes. (kitsu was gone when we went back on sunday.) so then we started looking at stores, to see what breeds we like. we were hoping to get a mutt from the pound, coz we aren’t really purebreed people. but there weren’t even any mutts available in the classified section of the paper. after looking around, we figured we were most interested in scottish terriers (we knew that already), mini schnauzers, and shiba inus. and these dogs ranged in price from $500-1200. and we didn’t want to buy from pet shops anyway, since most of the dogs they sell are from puppy mills. so we looked through the classifieds again, even though i’ve read that “backyard breeders” are not the best place to get a dog from. but we don’t have $1000 to spend. so.

we found some scotties advertised at $250. this was the lowest price i’d seen. so i wrote down the number for sohei to call today. i’m glad i got the number coz the ad isn’t there anymore. i’m hoping she just paid for a week’s ad, and that the puppies aren’t gone. i’m also hoping the puppies, if still there, are healthy, and that sohei may be able to talk the price down a bit, since he’s not willing to pay more than $150-200 for a dog. frankly, if the puppies are still there, i’m a little worried they may be sickly or something, considering the low price. of course, we can’t afford a full-priced dog, anyway. i’m not entirely sure we could afford the dog for its current price. mind you, this is because after buying the dog, there are still tons of supplies to buy as well as food. we could spend $500 on a dog, but there wouldn’t be a lot left over for supplies or medical costs.

anyway, it may be moot. sohei called a couple times and got her machine, so we don’t know whether the puppies are still there. i assume she’s at work, and i’m hoping we can reach her sometime this evening. i want a puppy sooo badly. it just doesn’t seem to be working out so far. the biggest problem is that they’re so expensive. i seriously wouldn’t mind having a mutt, but there are none to be had. everyone claims their dogs are purebreed and want an average of $800 for them. i’m not kidding. and i seriously doubt these dogs are purebred anyway. not that i care, but i’m not paying that much for what is essentially a mutt. sorry. i guess, to be positive, the spay/neuter program must be working out pretty well, coz there doesn’t seem to be such a thing as a mutt anymore, and finding a puppy is nearly impossible. i’m seriously beginning to think that we’re just not meant to have a dog…

so i’m schizotypal, avoidant, and rather dependent. w00t. no real surprises there.

[music|little dudes - pee shy]

i fixed the format again, as you can see.

anyway, last night’s uu101 meeting was neat. sohei actually looks forward to going. too bad he can’t look forward to going to church as well. :nyah: i still have a lot of questions, but i have a feeling they’ll be answered at the next meeting.

and, since i was starving, i cheated like mad on my diet last night. last week, they had south beach-friendly snacks, so i just figured i’d eat when i got there. this week, though, there were only cookies. so i ate cookies. then we went to mcdonalds for dinner, and instead of ordering a salad, i ate a cheeseburger and chicken nuggets. i didn’t drink any soda, though. :blush: see, on south beach, the first two weeks are really strict. and if you cheat, you’re supposed to start over again. well, my two weeks are up on monday. and if you think i’m starting over again, you’re crazy. besides, the whole point of phase one is to detox, get rid of cravings, and take off water weight. i did detox and lose my water weight. i lost ten pounds in a week, as of monday. but then i abruptly quit losing weight, because my body thinks i’m starving it. i know my body, especially as it relates to diets, and when i stop losing weight, i actually have to take in more calories to start losing again. so my metabolism starts working again and all. and i never get rid of cravings, no matter what. feh.

i still think diets are stupid. i felt so much better when i was exercising every day. on phase one, i’m too weak and tired to work out at all. it even says in the book not to work out during phase one. yeah, that’s healthy. but i do it anyway, because being fat isn’t “acceptable.” and while i don’t usually care what society thinks, i get really sick of everyone telling me to lose weight. and, frankly, as much as i like my body the way it is, i don’t like all that stuff under my chin. booty = okay, double chin = not okay. it’s not even like i want to be thin. i just want to be back at the weight i spent most of my life at. which is still considered overweight, but i don’t care. it really would be easier, too, if everyone would just fuck off about it. the more people harp on it, the less i want to bother. paradoxical, yeah, but the whole thing is stupid, so who gives a fuck?

Broken Toys – UBIQ AND I ARE GOING TO HELL.

currently watching: videos on vh1. then food network, coz they started repeating the damned videos.

i’ve discovered the thingy on blogger that allows you to put the same thing in each post. formatting. thingy. you know. that’s what that is, up there.

and the thing is, i’m not too into that many people. but they’re all flawed. i mean, everyone is flawed. but i think liking musicians, mostly, has a lot to do with that. what a strange lot of people they are. for the most part. and my latest sex interest is jim marcus of die warzau coz he’s really, really smart, as well as talented and hot. as far as i can tell, he’s not a junkie, like al and ogre or ohgr or kevin or whatever. but i do think he’s a sex fiend. which is okay, as far as flaws go, i guess. it seems like we’re all addicted to something. though sex can kill, too. but i don’t know that he’s a sex fiend. what with not knowing him personally. but i suspect that may be the case. or he’s just really funny, on top of being all those other things. (and i still don’t believe he’s actually into goats. i know that was a joke, fuckers.)

i do think it’s good i met sohei so young. coz if left to my own devices nowadays, i’d prolly end up with a kiddie fiddler or serial killer or something equally terrible. my taste in people sucks that way. i seem to have gotten lucky, though. not that sohei isn’t flawed, but he isn’t a junkie or sex fiend. or kiddie fiddler or serial killer.

just really cranky or whatever.

all i consciously like is skinny boys with big, brown eyes that can work the eyeliner. (i only got sohei to wear liner, like, once. i think he was prolly incredibly high, but who knows? not me.) oh, and they have to be really smart, and literary, and musically talented, and not ashamed of going to museums and liking it. but they can’t brag about liking museums, coz that’s just snobby, and i hate that. (no bragging at all, actually, please.) you can be smart all you like, but don’t be an ass about it. and being nice to my family is important, as well as liking your own. i used to have mum-related specific rules, but i’m not going to dwell on it. and being sensitive and compassionate is important, too. you can be sensitive without being a pussy, and if you don’t think that’s possible, then you’re an idiot and there’s no hope for you. in regards to me, anyway. fuck you. and, in this vein, a buddhist outlook is a plus. like zen/mahayana. laid back, pacifist, enlightened, etc. and, call me boring, but monogamy is a must. (sorry, jim.) i may be old-fashioned, but nothing turns me off more than being given an std. (i’m assuming.) so don’t be a slut. cheating isn’t on, sorry. and you just get the one strike. besides, good luck keeping up with me. you don’t need to look elsewhere. :wink: and while i can put up with some artistic dysfunction, i don’t think i can handle anything too hardcore. i.e. drug addiction, violent behavior, sexual weirdness, etc. (and, by that, i mean animals, children, poo, or whatever other outright bizarre things some strange fellow may be interested in.) and respect. there must be respect. i suppose all of this goes for a girl, too, but i prefer some curves and a booty on her, rather than the very skinny i like in guys.

now i’m just getting incoherent, if i wasn’t already. but my point is, in the huge list of things i want in people, nowhere does major dysfunction appear. i suppose that’s what comes of getting all hot over rock stars…

i just talked to rosemary for the first time, briefly. she doesn’t usually answer the phone, so i was surprised to hear her voice. (was i expecting that she never pick up the phone?) so i ummed and uhhed and asked for dad by name, which was also weird. coz i only ever call him at home or on his cell. so, yeah. she couldn’t find him, so i asked if they were going to see any of the hurricane or whatever. i’m a total idiot on the phone, so it was pretty awkward. but she’s really shy, too, apparently. so we didn’t say a whole lot, and i didn’t know what to talk about aside from the hurricane. so i just told her to have him call me back, which he did a couple minutes later. and i asked dad if she thought i’d been rude, and he asked, and she laughed and said no. she seems really sweet. i think she wants to get to know me, too. it’s so exciting and weird to have a potential family you haven’t even met yet. and i may not meet them til christmas, at the earliest. which will prolly be here sooner than i realize.

but i’m babbling.

and i got an email back from the lady i sent my resume to, saying that she’ll contact me for an interview if i met their criteria. mind you, there wasn’t much in the way of criteria, and i met all of it. i have taken this to mean that my cover letter and resume really sucked, and sohei pretty much agreed. but we’ll see.

the library school emails out job openings from time to time, but so far they’ve all been in tampa, which doesn’t really work out for me. i got a promising email today, though, so i updated my resume and wrote a cover letter. now i’m just waiting for sohei to have a look at it. of course, he’s not available. i mean, the email was just sent out a couple of hours ago, but i figure the earlier i get my resume in, the better. i really, really need this job. really. it’s an online reference position, so i won’t have to drive or anything. it’s perfect. (well, it’s only ten hours a week, which isn’t much, but it pays $12/hr. so it’s nearly perfect.)

while i was writing the cover letter, i was wishing you could just be straight with people when applying for a job. but i guess there’s no way of saying, “i can’t drive and have absolutely no job prospects right now and i really need this job, or i won’t be able to finish school, and my husband will divorce me,” that doesn’t sound pathetic.

so send some good energy or whatever my way?

things have been pretty sucktastic lately, hence the silence. i went to the class meeting on saturday, and learned that, to be an academic librarian — which was what i wanted to do — you have to have not only a masters in library science, but a masters or phd in another subject. i don’t even know how i’m going to be able to finish this degree, let alone another one. i just can’t. i’ve already been in school so long, and everyone’s been in this huge hurry for me to finish, since i went back in ‘04. i had suspected this might be the case, but couldn’t believe someone would have to have so much schooling to help students research papers, and write articles and stuff. so now i’m at a loss. there are other job options, of course, but i’m really upset that i won’t be able to do what i wanted to do. i assume this will work out somehow, but i can’t help but be a little depressed. since i’ve already paid for this semester, i’ll finish it, but i don’t know what to do at this point.

this always happens to me. i always pick the wrong thing to study. in middle school, i wanted to be in band, but was talked out of it by the guidance office and mum. mistake. then, when i dual-enrolled at sfcc, i either wanted to do the legal or mechanic program. but noooo. everyone told me that medical transcriptionists were in high demand. so i completed the transcription program. did i ever get a job as a transcriptionist? no. i couldn’t even get a decent office job. so there was two years of work down the drain. then i decided to major in english literature, with the understanding that i’d be going on to get my library degree. because i know i can’t do a damn thing with that degree on its own. nothing i’d want to spend my life doing, anyway. before mum died, she promised my schooling would be paid for, because she knew (for reasons that will remain unknown to you for now, dear readers) that i’d never finish otherwise. so she’s gone now, and so is my school money. not that it matters anyway, because i won’t be able to do what i want to do with this degree, either.

so now i’m completely lost again. maybe i’ll just quit school after this semester and work til i can figure out what the fuck i’m going to do. here’s betting that i’ll never get to go back.

on top of that, the situation with dad seems to continue to get worse. i tried to write about this the other night, but i couldn’t get my feelings across in the right way. growing up, when he was actually around, we were kind of friends. after mum died, though, he’s been kind of nasty to me at times. i’ve been made to feel like a burden or something. even though he doesn’t support me at all anymore. and now that rosemary is living with him, he doesn’t call. i’m hoping this is some kind of temporary thing, and that we’ll all settle into some kind of routine after a while. but what it feels like is that dad has found a family he actually likes, and my sister and i can just fuck right off. if he hadn’t been acting so resentful toward us before this, i would probably be more mature about this. in fact, i was thrilled that he found someone, and isn’t alone anymore. but i can’t help but feel weirded out. it’s like juchan and i can’t do anything right. i’m too excited and too nosy, and juchan isn’t excited enough, and doesn’t ask enough questions. so i figure i’m just going to back off and see what happens. he doesn’t remember anything i talk to him about, anyway.

i try to be happy, but i’m having a real hard time with that right now. i need to talk to mum. really badly. she could always help me figure things out regarding school and stuff. i never felt as hopeless after talking to her. it’s times like this when i feel really alone.

oh, and it’s looking like i won’t be fostering a hurricane animal, either, since no one ever got back to me. it seems like they all found temporary homes, though, so that’s good. then we were going to adopt a puppy (permanently) but we went to both shelters in town, and there were none. i suppose it’s just as well, as far as neko is concerned.

i just hope something goes right soon, coz i haven’t been this unhappy in a while.

i went to uu101 tonight. it was really neat. basically, we all got to know each other. most of the people seemed nice. we had to get into groups of three, and then introduce a member of our group. the lady that introduced me said so many sweet things about me. :blush: the evening did make me realize how weirded out i get, socially, when i haven’t left the house in a while. but this nice guy came over and talked to me during the break. as usual, i rambled. no wonder people don’t like to talk to me. he was good about it, though.

and it was lovely outside, too. and sohei mostly behaved himself. it was a neat evening.

so tomorrow i’m emailing this lady about adopting a hurricane animal. i guess there are a lot of animals that need temporary homes. the email said up to three months or so. i think the hardest part will be giving the animal back when the time comes. :cry: chris and i kind of want a dog, coz i’ve never owned a dog, and it would be a good opportunity to see if i’d like having one full-time. it will have to be smallish, though, due to the size of our house. i think, what i’m going to do, is ask her what animal needs adopting most, and just adopt that, cat or dog. i’ll love it no matter what it is. :love:

i tried to post about this, but it didn’t come out the way i wanted it to…

it’s my dad’s birthday.

his girlfriend moved in tonight, with her son. i finally know his name. dad just met him tonight. that must’ve been weird.

and my dad can be weird, too.

yeah.

Daily Kos: Bush’s use of firemen: props

not a lot to update about, really. i’m dieting again. (yes, i know. shut up.) and though it’s my first day, i totally cheated already. meh. but thanks to my little binge-fest, there’re no more sweets in the house. i think i’ll do a lot better tomorrow…

i talked to dad today, and his girlfriend is moving in with him this week. with her 15 year old son. that should be interesting. :shocked: i hope this works out for him. he lived through two daughters, though, so a stepson shouldn’t be too terrible. right? i wonder if they’ll get married. and how soon. i hope she’s nice. i hope she wants us all to be a real family. no one can replace mum, and i don’t expect her to, but i want to at least be friends with her. i really, really want to meet her. i’ve just been kind of assuming she’s a sweet person, coz she seems like it, according to dad. but of course he thinks so. i just don’t want to end up feeling cut off from dad. and i don’t want her or her son to feel like they don’t belong when juchan and i are around. i have a feeling i’ll be really relieved when i finally meet her. i’m still excited for dad. and i’m glad he’s not alone anymore. i won’t feel like i have to worry quite as much. ya know? i guess i’m just really surprised by everything. it was less than a month ago that dad was asking my permission to date again, and now his girlfriend is moving in with him. i’m not lying or in denial when i say i’m happy for him. i am. in fact, i’m kind of excited about all this. i just hope it all turns out well, i guess. my parents were married for nearly 30 years, so i’ve never experienced the whole step-family thing. :confused: a lot of people i know didn’t have very good experiences with theirs. but then, their situations were different than mine. and, if i don’t like her for some reason, at least i don’t have to live in the same house as her. besides, it seems like most problems stem from step-fathers. except like in cinderella, i guess.

anyway, i’m totally rambling now, and if sohei catches me out of bed, i’m doomed. :cry:

this weekend has mostly been teh suck. and now i’m being forced to go to bed. so i can lie awake and stare at the ceiling for three hours. with my mind still going and going. he’s still yelling, so i’d better go.

it’s hard to believe i’m an adult, isn’t it?

Daily Kos: Bush Visit Grounded Relief Helicopters:

And for the entire time Bush was in the state, the congressman said, a ban on helicopter flights further stalled the delivery of food and supplies.

More BushCo Tragedy Fakery?:

ZDF News reported that the president’s visit was a completely staged event. Their crew witnessed how the open air food distribution point Bush visited in front of the cameras was torn down immediately after the president and the herd of ‘news people’ had left and that others which were allegedly being set up were abandoned at the same time. The people in the area were once again left to fend for themselves, said ZDF.

Politicizing A Tragedy: BushCo Fakes Levee Repairs for Photo-Op

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) reports on BushCo faking levee repairs for a photo-op:

[T]he greatest disappointment [regarding the federal response] stands at the breached 17th Street levee. Touring this critical site yesterday with the President, I saw what I believed to be a real and significant effort to get a handle on a major cause of this catastrophe. Flying over this critical spot again this morning, less than 24 hours later, it became apparent that yesterday we witnessed a hastily prepared stage set for a Presidential photo opportunity; and the desperately needed resources we saw were this morning reduced to a single, lonely piece of equipment.

it turns out all that anger has a use, after all.

apparently, sohei and i won’t be useful to the relief effort unless we’re trained red cross volunteers. (that’s what we may do for our vacation this year, ya know. i mean, we were thinking of going to new orleans anyway, so we may as well go anyway and do something useful.) so i’ve been looking into it, and i think i may join up. i have to talk to sohei about it, of course. and even if i can’t help during this disaster, i can help my community any time. like their website says, think globally, act locally. the not driving may be a bit of a problem, but i will be getting my license soonish, i hope. and if sohei becomes a volunteer, too, i don’t guess the not driving thing will be as much of a problem. we’ll see. his track record on acting on things hasn’t been fantastic. (sorry, boo, but it hasn’t.) like that d.c. protest i really wanted to go to at the end of the month. i guess sohei thinks it would be bad if i got arrested or hurt or killed. yeah, i guess. it seems to me, though, that since i’m unemployed, now would be a great time to do stuff like this. meh.

oh, and my first week of grad school seems to be going okay. not a ton of work yet. it still doesn’t seem real. but i’d better snap out of that mindset, fast.

apparently, i’m a big, stupid jerk for being angry about what’s happened in new orleans. did i do my share of crying about the tragedy? yeah. i just didn’t feel like blogging about myself crying. if you’ve done, that’s fine. i chose to blog about being angry. i think i have a right to be angry. i’m not “politicizing” the disaster. i’m pissed because our government’s response to this disaster was absolute shite. but gish, i hear you saying, bush is there now, along with supplies and troops. great. if the food, water, and medicine had shown up a few days earlier, maybe some of the people left to fester in the sun wouldn’t have died. i don’t give a fuck who the president is. this has nothing to do with politics. if this were clinton, or any other dem, or even a green (har har) i would be just as mad. there is no excuse for this amount of ineptitude. we’re one of the richest nations on the planet, and it looks like the goddamn third world out there. none of them should have had to suffer like this, for so many days. and the only reason they were made to suffer is because they’re poor. and that just pisses me the fuck off.

so you can say i’m being petty or divisive. that situations like these bring out the worst in “people like me.” but i maintain that i have every right to be angry, when i have to watch my poorer countrymen suffer at the hands of not only nature, but an incompetent government.

do i need to try to be a better, more patient buddhist/human being? yes.

do i need to go to bed? also yes.

You Are Reverse Pocky

Your attitude: rebellious and clever Non-conformist, but curiously a trendsetter With you, up is down… and it’s a wild ride!

You Are Subversion!
You are systematic and secretive. Sometimes even very calculating. Most everyone trusts you but they have no idea what really goes on in your head. You are capable of being nice or mean, whatever a situation calls for. You look out for #1.

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

You scored as Winter. You are WINTER. You’re more introspective, thinking deeply, feeling deeply. You love nothing better than to enjoy one on one time with those who are important to you. You are cautious, and sometimes second guess yourself. Dreams, though you have them, are a luxury, because life is not a plaything.

What Season Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

i posted this in response at orb’s to yet another idiot who seems to think the hurricane victims had it coming. (not orb, as if i needed to say that.) i’m so sick of rich and middle class american fucktards talking out their asses about things they obviously know nothing about. it’s things like our reaction, as a nation, to this disaster, that make me hope america crumbles like the toxic empire that it is. i don’t mind going down with the ship, as long as i get to watch a few idiots drown first.

here’s my comment:

I don’t know whether you’ve ever been to New Orleans. I have. I know, from having been there, and not just from looking at a census, that the city has a large population of poor blacks. Have you ever seen a ghetto? Are you aware that a lot of people that live in ghettos don’t own cars? What were these people supposed to do? Walk out of town? Where the hell were they supposed to stay, assuming they could just walk away? Do you think they had money tucked away to stay in a hotel? I’m assuming you have never lived like these people or personally know or love anyone who has, or you would know what kind of situation these people face. And let’s not forget all the people we keep seeing and hearing about that are sick or in wheel chairs. What were they supposed to do? Wheel themselves out of town?

When people make it sound like these people had a choice about staying, it makes my blood boil. And it is a fucking race issue. Too many blacks in the south are poor. And when things like this happen, they are allowed to see just how little the country cares about them or their wellbeing. Their own president, who is supposed to be representing them, couldn’t be bothered to put down his fucking guitar and plate of cake, and actually be a leader.

‘Cause you see, it’s hard.

And, the fact is, if the federal government hadn’t slashed the budgets for things like the levees (and safety programs for coal miners, who have been dying in record numbers, etc.), in favor of the clusterfuck in Iraq, maybe the levee that had been specifically pointed out as a problem much earlier, wouldn’t have given way. Even if the levees had nothing to do with it, the fact remains that precious little has been done to help any of those souls. There are still people here in Florida, living in cars and tents, because our government thinks our tax dollars are better spent killing people half a world away.

Culture of life, my ass.

think i’m overreacting? go to every goddamn link below, and then tell me i’m a traitor for being disgusted with my country right now.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2005/9/1/211114/2959
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/9/1/17259/23125
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/9/1/15739/85431
http://americablog.blogspot.com/2005/08/white-house-web-site-shows-bush.html
http://www.gawker.com/news/condoleezza-rice/breaking-condi-rice-spends-salary-on-shoes-123467.php
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/9/1/132822/4063
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/8/31/235829/261
http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1001051313
dailykos’s archives are full of reasons to be pissed off. and hop over to salon.com and watch a short commercial for a day pass, to read yet more on this travesty. i’m too tired to continue.

Nola.com: NewsFlash – Superdome evacuation disrupted; More Guardsmen are sent in:

At least seven bodies were scattered outside, and hungry, desperate people who were tired of waiting broke through the steel doors to a food service entrance and began pushing out pallets of water and juice and whatever else they could find.

An old man in a chaise lounge lay dead in a grassy median as hungry babies wailed around him. Around the corner, an elderly woman lay dead in her wheelchair, covered up by a blanket, and another body lay beside her wrapped in a sheet.

“I don’t treat my dog like that,” 47-year-old Daniel Edwards said as he pointed at the woman in the wheelchair. “I buried my dog.” He added: “You can do everything for other countries but you can’t do nothing for your own people. You can go overseas with the military but you can’t get them down here.”

Just above the convention center on Interstate 10, commercial buses were lined up, going nowhere. The street outside the center, above the floodwaters, smelled of urine and feces, and was choked with dirty diapers, old bottles and garbage.

“They’ve been teasing us with buses for four days,” Edwards said.

People chanted, “Help, help!” as reporters and photographers walked through. The crowd got angry when journalists tried to photograph one of the bodies, and covered it over with a blanket. A woman, screaming, went on the front steps of the convention center and led the crowd in reciting the 23rd Psalm.

John Murray, 52, said: “It’s like they’re punishing us.”

i haven’t been writing about this for the same reason i don’t generally write about disasters: i can’t adequately say what i feel, and i feel too depressed to even try. i kind of spazzed on a comment over at tony’s blog, but that’s about the extent of it. this disaster is just terrible, and the lack of leadership, and actions surrounding the disaster just disgust me. it’s always the poor that suffer the most.