carvedangel.net

i haven’t said much coz chris has been home for the past four days. :nyah: when he’s around, i don’t tend to get much internet time. not coz he hogs it, but coz he hates me to spend any time at it. as it is, i can’t say much today, since he’s already growing impatient.

things have been okay, in general, but i’ll update more tomorrow when i have some time.

Your wise quote is: “Our greatest glory is not
in never falling, but in rising everytime we
fall” by Confucius.
Yes indeed, you see true strenght can only be
seen when a person has “fallen”. Only
then one can tell how they will handle it. Just
don’t make others fall so you can know who they
really are. You on the other hand may be a very
quick recoverer and don’t let people bring you
down. You are your own, and you’re find with
that. Emotional issues is something you handle
rather nicely.

What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
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What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com

i’m feeling all kinds of weird this morning. i slept too late, then got up and read blogs for a while. my face feels kind of numb, and my jaw hurts. i’m betting i clenched my jaw and ground my teeth all night… i’m always tired now, too. blech.

believe it or not, i was going to blog about something, but i guess i just don’t feel like it right now.

ugh. not in a good mood right now… for one thing, i fucking hate my hair. it will not take dye anymore. at all. i just tried bleaching it again, and some of the roots took a bit, but are the wrong color, and the rest of it is this really dull blonde/brown color that has been there for ages and won’t go the fuck away. on top of that, my latest hair cut was cute for about a month, and has been looking worse and worse, and now i look so white trash it isn’t even funny. :cry:

on top of that, as far as school goes, there’s good news and bad news. bad news is that there are only two classes available for me to take next semester. so it’ll be taking me longer than a year to finish my degree. the good news is that since i can only take two classes in the fall, it’s only costing $1500. oh, wait, i can’t even pay for that, so i guess that’s not really good either. :pissed: bloody hell. i will be trying to apply for financial aid this week, but the deadline for florida was may 15th, a few days before i even got accepted to school. i’m going to go ahead and fill stuff out anyway and maybe i can get some kind of loan. and, yes, i am searching for work, since i’ll only be going to school part time.

in other news, i went to see star wars on saturday. we were pretty much out all day, coz we hung out in st. pete for a while. while there are bits of the latest movies i don’t like, i did enjoy this last one. yoda had one speech in particular that was very buddhist (i’m supposed to say dharma instead of buddhist, but would i then say that his speech was “dharmic?” is that a word?), and chris and i spent some time after the movie discussing love as desire and how it leads to suffering, etc. neat.

but i’ll have to cut this entry short coz i feel icky. :sick: more later, maybe.

guess who got into library school? :cool: i got the email notification last night! i can’t believe i didn’t blog about this earlier. i guess i was cooking dinner at the time. anyway, i’ll be going to grad school next fall. :ooh:

the first person i wanted to tell was mum, of course. this was really her dream as much as it was mine. i called dad anyway, and told him the news. everyone is excited, but no one seems too surprised. well, it’s not like getting into law or med school, you know. but shadow is taking me out for dinner tonight.

shadow published his first post today over at his blog, so i thought i’d shill for him a bit. :wink: really, it’s pretty neat, well-written, etc. so go check it out.

Sumatra Quake Shook Earth’s Total Surface – Yahoo! News:

The quake occurred where two of the giant plates that form the surface of the Earth grind together.

At that spot the Eurasian plate was being pulled downward by the descending Indo-Australian plate. The quake released the edge of the Eurasian plate, which sprang up, lifting the ocean floor and sending the sea water off in the giant wave that killed so many, the researchers reported.

They said the higher sea floor displaced so much water from the Bay of Bengal and the Andaman Sea that sea level worldwide was raised 04 inch.

“No point on Earth remained undisturbed,” wrote Roger Bilham of the University of Colorado.

Indeed, ground movement of as much as 0.4 inch occurred everywhere on Earth’s surface, though it was too small to be felt in most areas.

:shocked:

i totally fixed the problem!

now i can finally work on school stuff. :blush:

wow, i was totally wrong last night. i actually forgot something rather major, and i’ve been working on it for the last two hours. basically, i want to float my images to the left, with the text to the right of it. like i used to have. but the images are overlapping the boxes. i actually had a fix for this before, but now i can’t remember what the hell it was. fuck. i thought i was all done with this. :annoyed:

okay, i lied yesterday. now i’m done with my site design. i’m sure i forgot something, but it pretty much looks good, so i doubt it’ll take much time to fix. but hooray for being done!

as you can see, i’ve also added kaos as smilies. the ones i tried using yesterday were just too big, and when i shrank them too much, you couldn’t see what they were emoting.

i also did shadow’s blog, finally. it’s not done yet, technically, because he didn’t like the graphic. i thought it looked pretty cool and minimalist, but he wanted some color, so i made the links red and started on fixing the graphic by putting red kanji on it. it still wasn’t what he wanted, so he’s been putting text and whatnot on it. bah. he can make his own damn site next time. :pissed: i still have to fix the graphic, but that’s going to have to wait til tomorrow. if you want to see my artistic vision before he got his grubby paws all over it, i suggest you go look tonight/early tomorrow. and, yes, the designs are pretty much the same, coz he always wants the one i have. he liked the layout i had in wordpress, so i was going to let him use it, but then he decided he liked this one more. and there’s no way in hell i’m changing this again. so.

anyway, i’m computered out for now. oyasumi nasai.

happy 10th/3rd anniversary to us! :cheer:

well there’s a big surprise. :lol:

for a quiz about love, it’s a little strange that all the questions are about animals, ne? (j/k)

well, this was my first mother’s day without my mum. i keep reminding myself how nice her last mother’s day was. we had lunch with shadow’s mum today and ended up talking about my mum a lot. i find that i don’t really talk much about her anymore unless someone else brings the subject up first. then i can’t shut up about her. though i stayed up late last night, i had to be up this morning to get ready, and mum woke me up at exactly 10. just when i’d needed to be up. it was in this dream i was having. weird, ne? i think now that the insanity of school is over, maybe i won’t be able to ignore this anymore. i feel like i hold all this in all the time. like i can’t talk to anyone or even cry anymore. i do cry, though. when i let myself think about it. maybe i’ll make some progress now that i have time to think. i still miss her terribly…

it was good to see pam today, though. i’m so thankful to have such a nice mother-in-law. i wish we saw her more often, but it’s hard since the thanksgiving debacle, as we’re kind of avoiding gary. pam said he’s been coughing so hard lately he’s been blacking out from lack of oxygen. i guess i feel a little sorry for him. i’d feel more sorry if he hadn’t had a hand in making my husband an unstable, tempramental, abusive nutjob. (don’t mind me, it’s probably the tequila talking.) anyway, i do feel badly for pam and the boys. and jason and ashley, too, since their mum died a couple years back. well.

so in other news, i finally got my brit lit grade. c+. one point away from a b-. that happens to me a lot, it seems. i don’t even give a shit anymore. i’m just glad i passed. so now i have three classes this summer, and i’m done.

oh, and here’s what my kind sensei said in his email to me. it almost made the hell that was last week worth it.

“You did a great job on your final. The essays reflected the thinking of an historian. 20/20 points. Semester grade is 90/100=A-. Good luck in the remainder of your academic life.”

shut up. i just found it rather flattering. compliments from tough profs always mean a lot to me. :blush:

robot chicken is on and i have to go watch it.

well, i have every grade back so far except for the one that really matters. of course. it’s pretty lame, really. the one i’m waiting on is for the class with the shortest paper (four pages) which i turned in first. ya know the 12 page paper that i turned in to my, well, elderly professor on thursday night? got the grade back the next day. yet the four page paper i turned in tuesday afternoon? nothing.

anyway, here are my grades for this semester:
brit lit – no grade yet
african american lit – b+ (one measly point from an a-)
florida lit – b
japanese history – a-
childhood lit in education – a

so, not great but not terrible. i knew i’d pass those classes, though. i’m not entirely sure about brit lit, which is why i’d love to know what the hell i got on my take home paper. i got an a on the in-class bit, but i’ve been getting c’s on all my papers for that class this semester. and i’m afraid if the grade on that is too low, i may not pass. so of course that’s the one that’s taking so freaking long. shadow thinks that prof’s a jerk anyway, and said he’s probably going over each paper with a fine-tooth comb to pick on any little thing he can find, so no one will get better than a c. it wouldn’t even be so bad if there was going to be an english program after this semester. so i’d start library school a semester late. no one’s helping with tuition now, so it doesn’t matter. but since there will basically be no english program, if i have to re-take this class, i’m just screwed. i even looked to see if there was anything on tampa campus, and there’s not. so i really, really need to pass this class.

gah.

also, my japanese professor wrote me a nice email which i’d post to here, but i’m not on my account. so i will later.

There’s a club if you’d like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

“how soon is now” – the smiths (or tatu)

i just finished my last paper for the semester. i am exhausted. i’ll catch up reading blogs and whatnot tomorrow. if i missed anything important this week, i apologize. i’m going to go crash now.

Impeachment Time: “Facts Were Fixed.”:

The Republicans impeached Bill Clinton over his cigar and Monica’s affections. And the US media could print nothing else.
Now, we have the stone, cold evidence of bending intelligence to sell us on death by the thousands, and neither a Republican Congress nor what is laughably called US journalism thought it not worth a second look.

this whole thing makes me sick with rage. clinton fucks around and it’s all you hear about. bush murders thousands and… nothing. i hate this country so fucking much. i don’t care if i’m a wuss or disloyal, i would jump at the chance to get out and live somewhere where people aren’t idiots and the press and government are even slightly more honest.

Bear Claws Woman, Covers Her With Brush – Yahoo! News

…what’s that?

Florida ends fight against abortion for 13-yr-old – Yahoo! News:

The case stirred concerns among civil libertarians who argued the child had a constitutional right to decide to have an abortion under state law and condemned the Florida government’s attempts to interfere in personal rights.
“You’ve got to be blind not to see a pattern here,” said Howard Simon, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Florida. “The pattern is the state’s hostility to the exercise of personal freedom … when that personal freedom is not consistent with the prevailing ideology of the state government.”

a picture i took last wednesday finally showed up on my blog today… i don’t know what the damn holdup was, but i went ahead and back-dated it.

well, i’m off soon to turn in two of my finals papers and take my brit lit final. i’m so nervous, and i can’t wait til all this is just done.

it’s official. i am deeply, deeply depressed. i have finally broken completely. i have snapped. i hate the world. i hate that my mother is dead and i will never see her again. i hate that my husband has something wrong with him where he’s capable of doing hateful things to me – even if it’s for a moment. i also hate that i’m fucked up, too. and i hate feeling obligated to do things. and i hate that so few people ever feel obligated to do anything for me. i hate school. i hate the prospect of getting a “real job” in a couple of months even more. i hate that i can’t write for shit. i hate the fact that i ever thought i could. i hate that my life has been a total lie. i hate that i can’t smoke. i hate that i’ll die whether i smoke or not. i hate that i even want to smoke. i hate that anything i do will ultimately mean jack shit, and that everything i worry about and put effort into is a total waste of time.

and instead of being angry, i just feel frustrated and impotent. i want to just crawl into a hole somewhere and die. or reach into my chest, into my insides, and pull my heart out and stomp all over it and just diediediediedie…

>

i know i’m just wasting time that i really need to be spending on writing my papers. but i’m just burnt out. i’m tired and depressed and totally brain-dead. i wrote most of my brit lit paper yesterday – about three of four pages – and it’s absolute shite. i will be very, very lucky to get a c on it. that’s assuming i can even think of a way to finish the damn thing. i just can’t bring myself to come back to it, coz i know i need to just write it all over again. but i’m too damn tired, and there’s no time.

so today i’m trying to do my african american lit paper, which is also due on tuesday. maybe if i can eke out something decent, i’ll be better prepared to write my brit lit paper. or re-write. whatever. unfortunately, for the last half of this semester, my notes have been pretty bad, and i rely heavily on them when i write my papers. i looked over all the questions i have to choose from for my aa lit paper, then looked at the corresponding notes, and i have nothing. i don’t even remember discussing any of it. how i’m going to manage six pages, i have no idea.

and i’m blogging about it coz i feel like my head is going to fucking explode, and when i just tried to talk to shadow about it, he just yelled at me. i am so frustrated. if i could, i would gladly pay someone an insane amount of money just to write these damn papers, so i wouldn’t have to think about them anymore. i don’t even care about getting a’s at this point. i’ll just be happy to pass with c’s this semester. i don’t think i’m capable of above-c work right now…

i did take my education final this morning. it looks like i should have an a for that class anyway. maybe it’ll balance out the c i’ll be getting in brit lit, if i’m lucky. i’m scared to death of failing that class. i don’t know if i talked about it on here, and if i haven’t, i’ll discuss it more in length later, but after this semester, the english lit program at st. pete is effectively being scrapped. if i fail any of my english classes this semester, i am utterly screwed. forget library school, i may not get a degree at all.

so you can see why i’m so stressed.

paralyzed with fear, more like.

anyway, i have to magically pull four take home finals papers out of my ass. (try not to think too hard about that imagery.) at my best, i can’t write four (good) pages without struggling. i have to write about 30 total pages this week. and a passing grade for at least one class hinges on me doing it well.

i’m gonna sing the doom song.