BBC NEWS | Americas | Florida girl has abortion blocked

ah, our wonderful state makes the news again. i love how laws are just ignored whenever someone doesn’t like them. did i mention that shadow and i are moving to vermont when he gets out of school?

last night, in japanese history, witham-sensei had some kanji on the board. so he was lecturing, and he points to one and says, “this is watakushi, which means…” and looks at me. so i say, “i” coz that’s what it means. then he asks what the next one means, and i have no idea. it was the word for novel, and i only know the word for book. coz i have the spoken vocabulary of a three year old, and the written vocabulary of a kindergartener/1st grader. w00t. and then later he’s talking about how to really best understand the japanese, you have to spend some time in japan. and he said to me, “you’ve been to japan, right?” and i said i hadn’t, so he asked how i knew japanese, and i told him i was self-taught. i tell you, it was a good evening for my ego. i think he was impressed with my last exam, coz one of the questions had to do with bushido, and i was talking about a couple of the tenets and referring to them by their japanese names. (that would’ve been the exam i got a near-perfect score on.) i like when my professors like me, coz my teachers have always hated me til now.

so now i have all my exam questions for all my classes. all that’s left to do is write the essays. the thing is, i’m too tired to start any of them. i’m in this weird place right now. i’m finally beginning to accept that my life has little meaning or impact. it’s helping me to accept death, but it’s also making me incredibly lethargic. i keep smoking at school, because i figure i might as well, since i could die in a car accident later. then i feel guilty and jittery and wonder why i keep wanting to smoke when it ends up making me feel grody and smelly. and i’ve been off my diet for a while, because i figure it doesn’t matter what i eat. then i see someone gorgeous somewhere, and feel guilty that i’m letting myself down. and i could at least keep trying for the sake of my husband.

but he runs hot and cold all the time, and it doesn’t help at all with this total aimlessness. sometimes he’s very happy with me, and sometimes it’s all he can do to keep from beating the hell out of me. so part of me wants to just go off and be on my own. i even found an apartment i really like. but part of me doesn’t want to throw this part of my life away. and yet another part of me says it doesn’t matter one way or another, because i’ll just die, and who cares then?

so there’s the me that wants to smoke and live in a cute little apartment all on my own and do what i want and have adventures. and maybe have a girlfriend, too.

then there’s this part of me that realizes that i’m not getting any younger and my body’s going to hell and i do love my husband and i’ll just die alone if i don’t stick this out.

but i’m tired of not smoking and eating right all the time and not having a girlfriend.

so i’m just stuck. indecision has me curled up in a fetal position on the floor, wondering just what the hell to do next. this is one of those turning point times, and i completely fucked up the last few, so i’d better get it right for once.

but maybe there’ll be other chances some other time. i have to keep relying on that.

LIBRARIAN WRITES THE BOOK ON ETIQUETTE FOR PATRONS – Yahoo! News

i haven’t done the splash page yet, but here’s the new layout. i’m sure there will be problems, and if you see anything really odd, let me know. i haven’t really had a chance to test it.

what is mono no aware? basically, it’s like the good feeling of enjoying something like cherry blossoms, then the sadness that comes with realizing that the blossoms, like life, are fleeting. okay, so i’m not great at explaining it. so google it.

anyway, it felt appropriate for this spring. i’m like i am every spring – sex dreams, bingeing, desire for change, etc. – but it’s also different this year. i’m not nearly over my mum yet, so everything is tinged with sadness. i dwell on my good dreams, then feel sad because i know that none of it matters.

anyway, i have some school stuff to do before class. matane.

[edit] this will definitely not look right if you automatically go to /fp.html. try /blogger.html.

i’m messing around with my site design today, so please forgive any strangeness. ta very much.

i’ve been so busy lately… i worked all day sunday and monday to finish my education homework, and all i have left in that class is the final. thank god. all i have left for most of my classes is the final. it’s all over after next week…

i keep having weird dreams about lots of things. last night i dreamt (yet again) that mum was alive. i blame movies on this. it’s such a cliche. “oh no, ____ is dead. oh wait, no they’re not. huzzah!” maybe this is why i thought she’d pull through to begin with. i don’t know. but it’s been six months now, and it’s still not damn good times.

anyway… i guess i don’t want to discuss my dreams anymore. even the happy ones depress me once i’m awake.

i’ve been baking a lot lately. ginormous chocolate chip cookies and banana bread, mostly. i’ve been surprised by how well it’s all turned out. actually, i shouldn’t be all that surprised. except that shadow always makes fun of my cooking, even though it’s one of the few things i’m really good at. hum.

guess what i downloaded. bob! i don’t care what everyone in the world says, microsoft bob was one of the best things ever. especially pre-windows xp when you didn’t have your own account. coz you could have private rooms and stuff. back in the day, my private bob room was the attic. (i was 15 and shared the computer with my family back then.) well, i decided to make my private room the attic again. because i’m cool like that. i don’t know why i even bothered, really, since shadow sure as hell isn’t going to use bob. but whatever. (i’ll post a screenshot of my bobhouse later.) also, the version i downloaded is a bit different than the one i had. i guess every computer brand got their own bob? just noting that for no reason in particular.

another thing i’ve been goofing around with is yet another personalized online radio station. and before you remind me that i was supposed to be doing school work or working on your website or whatever else it was i was supposed to be doing, i want to point out that if i hadn’t been allowed to spend a little time decorating my bobhouse or adding tracks to a radio station, i would have gone insane and taken out the whole neighborhood. so there.

[edit] boy, this turned out blurry… but there they are, at the wedding reception last night. i think this will probably be one of the last weddings i attend for a long time, since all of my friends seem to be married now. well, except for mark, but i don’t see him being married anytime soon.

anyway, i have a lot of homework to catch up on. >_

if i owe you an email or a webpage or anything, sorry about the delay. things have been kind of insane. i’ve been trying to finish the grad school application process, which includes writing my entrance essay. i think i finally have something viable, so i may be sending it before class today.

i don’t feel like going to school. surprise, surprise.

finals are in three weeks. turns out that all my exams are of the take-home variety. while i’d usually be pretty happy about that, what with my test anxiety, things are not as lovely as they appear. i still have to do half my brit lit exam in-class and my edcuation exam online, but that’s not the worst of it. my brit lit paper will be at least four pages long, african american lit will be six, florida lit will probably be pretty looong, and japanese history will be at least twelve pages long. all due in the same week, each question sheet handed out exactly one week in advance. i have what will probably amount to 30 pages to write in one week. in the meantime, i have a ton of education homework to do, a paper revision, and about a million other bits of assigments here and there.

i want this semester to be done. i want to stay home today and catch up.

gah!!!

and i won’t even start on the latest problems with my marriage.

i have to get ready for school.

how i imagine zoe…

FIRST DATE IS NOT THE TIME TO REVEAL YOUR HIV STATUS:

DEAR ABBY: I am a blond, slim, 5-foot-10 female — single and in great shape. People tell me I am beautiful. I am also HIV-positive. I would like to meet someone special and settle down. But as soon as I meet a man I like, I struggle with the question of when to reveal my health situation. I have told them right away and I never hear from them again, which I find very insulting.
Some of my friends tell me I should date a guy for a few months and then say something, but I’d feel betrayed if someone waited that long to tell me.
I don’t want to just blurt out the information at a first meeting. I’m very confused. Please help me. — WANTS TO BE MARRIED, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR WANTS TO BE MARRIED: There is no need to wear a scarlet letter declaring to anyone who shows an interest that you are HIV-positive. There is EVERY reason in the world to take the time to get to know someone — and for him to get to know you — before having sex. When you are finally ready for physical intimacy, you should then disclose your HIV status. If the man loves you, he won’t leave you. If he doesn’t love you, good riddance.

i guess i must be some kind of bitch, but if i were about to have sex and someone chooses then to disclose their hiv status to me, i’d be so out of there. this has to be just about the dumbest advice i’ve ever heard. it has little to do with loving someone. because i don’t want to risk catching a deadly disease, that means i’m a jerk? i guess by that rationale, i’m not a loving person if i don’t stay in a potentially deadly relationship with someone that beats me all the time. besides, some people don’t know a whole lot about aids, and if you’re about to have sex, you’ve probably at least kissed the person a few times, and some people still think you can get aids through saliva. can you imagine how freaked out someone would be, having already been physically involved with this person? anyway, i think there are actually dating services just for people that have hiv/aids. maybe she should look into that. i don’t know if my ideas regarding aids are out of date, but doesn’t it seem a bit like russian roulette to get married and repeatedly have sex like that? condoms aren’t completely safe.

i guess i’m just a jerk. if i really cared about the person, i’d feel awful about having to end the relationship, but there’s no way i could marry someone with aids. frankly, i don’t think there are a lot of people that could.

this is what i’m getting with my $10 amazon certificate i got from doing surveys. i was going to wait to see if i could get another before deciding on anything, but it was burning a hole in my pocket. besides, after yesterday i need some shopping therapy…

i don’t usually like to buy dolls online, since the only time i did, the doll got a mildew spot or something on her face. i guess shipping in the florida heat/humidity isn’t the best idea. but i went to target last night and couldn’t find her. i did finally see the big bratz baby jade, and she’s so cute! i asked my dad for her for my birthday. :happy:

Blogthings – Your True Birth Month Is March:

Your True Birth Month Is March

Moody Secretive Revengeful Trustworthy Affectionate Loves traveling Loves attention Shy and reserved Musically talented Loves home decor Not easily angered Sensitive to others Loves special things Attractive personality Loves to serve others Loves peace and serenity Observant and assess others Loves to dream and fantasize Appreciative and returns kindness Hasty decisions in choosing partners Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic

i was listening to moby’s “porcelain” and looking at old pictures of library west (which they’re gutting and renovating), while he sang, “this is goodbye, this is goodbye.”

i guess he’s not happy about it, either.

Blogthings – Your Japanese Name Is…:

just a quick post to point out that there’s a large amount of space between my imood thingy and my entries, and if anyone knows how to fix it, please let me know. :confused:

ugh, i feel awful. my guts hurt and i only have one pill left, and i have to save it for tomorrow coz if i miss my japanese exam, i’m screwed. i’d rather not go to school tonight, coz i had no idea what we were supposed to do and am totally unprepared… didn’t do the bulletin board thingy, either. i really hope i can at least manage a b in everything this semester. i just feel too tired and depressed to do well in anything. my brit lit papers keep coming back with the remark that i can do better. like the one i got a c on yesterday. i guess he, like everyone else in the world, assumes i should be “better” by now. and i have to talk to my prof tonight about my performance in her class, which i’m dreading. the fact is, before mum got sick, i was getting mostly a’s with a couple b+s. now it’s more like straight b’s with the occasional c. and i have to explain to them that i’m stressed and sad and i can’t think or write to save my life. and it sounds like i’m blaming everything on the fact that mum died. and i’m a whiner.

when i’m supposed to be fine now.

i guess i must be weak or something. though my dad and sister aren’t over it, either, the world thinks i’m some kind of whiner or a wuss. i don’t know if mum and i were exceptionally close (which is completely possible, since i considered her my best friend), or if these people have never lost a parent, or if they did lose a parent, didn’t care overmuch. yes, it’s been nearly 6 months. according to the “rules” for bereavement, i should be fine by now, or within the next 6 months.

there was more i wanted to say, but i have to go to school.

i suppose it’s rather irresponsible of me to write a post about wanting to die, then not update all week. of course, by now my readers don’t take it seriously – which they shouldn’t – but still… i shouldn’t write things like that anyway. i look back on those entries and feel stupid and immature.

i spent tuesday chatting with juchan on aol as we added to our wishlists. i added a bunch of stuff i eventually want for zoe, for her classic winnie the pooh nursery. if i could, i’d start collecting some of it now, coz it’ll probably be “out” by the time she’s born, and i rather have my heart set on a classic pooh nursery. and the great thing is, while it does have some pink and blue things, like blankets and bathsets, the rest of it is neutral, so it would be fine if i had a boy. (there is nothing wrong with winnie the pooh for a boy’s nursery!) i won’t direct you to my wishlist, but you should go here and look at some of it. kawaii! there is nothing like shopping for baby things to make you not want to kill yourself. i guess i’m more curious about what zoe’s going to be like than what happened to mum.

which shadow and i had something of an argument about last night, but i’m not going to go into it. by the end of it, i just walked away, coz i was thisclose to helping him see for himself.

what prompted it all anyway is that we finally went to the buddhist film thingy at church last night. it’s every wednesday, and i’m usually in class, but since class was canceled last night, we could go. we watched a couple videos about the dalai lama, then listened to the presenter for a bit. i’m afraid i’ve forgotten his name. and shadow asked a question about a news story he’d heard that day about a tibetan funeral and souls and stuff. so that’s what we argued about on the way home. because i said it’s stupid to think anyone knows what happens when we die. and shadow said he likes buddhism’s explanation best, because it’s the most based in science. and i pointed out that even buddhist sects couldn’t agree on what happened, because no one freaking knows. i guess shadow thinks you just die and join the rest of the universe, and that it’s all simply biological in that you stop breathing and your heart stops. and i said that, while i’m not sure about the concept of a soul, there is some spark of life that seems to leave someone when they die. i can’t explain it here any better than i did last night, in that someone is just there, and then they’re not. it’s not a good explanation, but it’s beyond me to describe. and i don’t know how shadow can be such a know it all about it, since he’s never seen anyone die, and i was holding my mother’s hand when she died, and looking into her eyes.

i think that believing in anything too deeply is dangerous, because you cease looking for the truth, and if it were to present itself to you somehow, you’d ignore it. i am as open as i can be to whatever truths the universe chooses to reveal to me. i’m hoping also to try to seek these truths out with my church, since that’s what uuism is about. which is why i think the way shadow sees buddhism is foolish. he says that buddhism is also a search for truth, and enlightenment, and that you cannot become attached to ideas and concepts. yet when i try to argue a point as i did last night, he is obviously attached to his concept of death, because he became frustrated and downright snotty during our debate. when i pointed that out to him, he said it was because i was asking the wrong questions. well, the way i see it, in the search for truth there are no “wrong questions.” so while shadow believes he is also seeking the truth, in reality he has become attached to his concept of buddhism, and will only be able to progress within its confines.

anyway…

so our church is celebrating buddha’s birthday on may 14. there will be a bunch of monks and nuns there, and i’m really looking forward to it.

omg “dalai lama” by rammstein just came on. how funny is that??

last night, after the videos, the presenter pointed out that a lot of people think the dalai lama is silly/stupid because of his demeanor. because he’s cheerful doesn’t mean he’s stupid. i run into this myself all the time. i’ve asked before why people assume i’m stupid or a ditz because i smile or laugh a lot, and i’m not really much closer to an answer. but it’s nice to know that i share a problem with the dalai lama. :blush:

there was yet more i was going to write about, like juchan’s visit last weekend, but i woke up sore and it’s not getting any better. my neck/right shoulder/upper back hurt like hell, and nothing’s helping. the ibuprofen, it does nothing! or the massager, or the shower… gah.

and i have to go apply for grad school. :happy:

The Man Who Saved the World Finally Recognized – FEATURE – MOSNEWS.COM

wow. i’d never heard of this. and it was just three months before my sister was born. can you imagine what the world would be like today if he’d pushed that button? i can’t say that i’m so sure that the u.s. would handle that situation so well today…

i always think i’m “getting better” and then it hits me all over again. i can never look at the world in the same way again. i feel like there is no such thing as safe anymore. you never think that something like this could happen, so when it does, it seems like nothing is sacred. i can’t tell myself that anything will be okay anymore. i thought mum would be okay. i really thought she’d make it. and she didn’t. so i can’t tell myself anymore that anyone has a lot of happy years left. i am inconsolable now regarding life. i used to be able to tell myself that there was no way something could happen. there was no way that chris could die young and leave me alone. there was no way that we’d ever get in a terrible accident and die. that my sister and her boyfriend would get here and back safely, “just because.” no one owes me anything. not the universe. not “god” if he exists. everything and everyone i know and love could disappear at any time. it was this strange feeling i always had that everything would always be okay, that kept me sane. i don’t have that now, or even any semblance of that. things will not be okay. people will not live forever just by virtue of being someone i desperately need in my own life. the universe does not care who my mother is. or what she meant to me. or how much i still need her. the universe doesn’t care if you’ve hardly lived – if you’re just a child. it doesn’t care at all who ceases to be. or the impact that it has on anyone. you can beg and plead and pray, and there is nothing there to comfort you. there is nothing to help. you face an uncaring world, an uncaring existence.

sometimes i still think about killing myself, not just out of sheer grief anymore. i do miss my mum. but now it’s more about having to know what has happened to her. where has she gone? is anyone in this world even close to right about what happens when you die? i want to follow her and see for myself. because the not knowing has gone beyond just troubling. it’s driving me crazy. i need to know the truth. not the truth as some people speculate. a lot of people think they know what happens, but i think that’s incredibly ignorant and egotistical. sure, you can believe in whatever book or philosophy your religion holds dear. but that’s not enough for me. i don’t have that kind of faith. i have no faith at all, except what i can see with my own eyes. from my own experience. it has gotten to the point where i feel like if i have to die to find the truth, so be it. i will gladly do that.

again, however, fear of the unknown leaves me completely stuck, like a deer in the headlights. what if there is nothing? what if i die only to find that i’m no closer to the truth than when i was alive? what if my quest for truth ends with my death? then my actions will be counterproductive. i want desperately to know what has happened to mum. but what if i were punished somehow for killing myself? what if the punishment was to never know? i have a feeling that’s societal taboo talking, but it can’t be helped. how much of religion or philosophy is based in fact? or social mores based on those ideas?

i think, too, part of my wishes deal with just wanting the questions and interior monologues to cease. i’m tired of listening to myself think, only to come to no conclusions whatsoever. i’m tired of thinking and wishing and wondering why. it all seems so useless.

as usual, it’s all moot, because i’m too afraid to act. maybe someday, curiousity or depression will finally exceed my fear, but i’m no closer to that today.

anyway, i have a lot of pointless things to do before i do shuffle off this mortal coil, including a largish paper that’s due tomorrow. in the long run, it’s completely trivial, but i bet it won’t feel that way tomorrow when it’s time to turn it in. life is stupid that way, i guess.

look who’s got a yahoo!360 account!

me! and if you want one, i can send you an invite. this very kind guy sent me an invite this morning.

you know what i’m going to be doing all day…