today, all i wanted to do was watch soccer and relax. there wasn’t a match today i wasn’t looking forward to.

instead, sohei was getting all antsy about taking his car to get his battery replaced. (the battery wouldn’t come out, so he had to take it somewhere.) so we went to do that. i get to watch part of the first match, but then the repair shop calls and says something else on the car broke. sohei went to go deal with that while i finished my complaint letter to verizon. (long story short, neither of us have fully functional phones but verizon will only let one of us upgrade at a discount. even though the phone we want is supposedly buy one get one free. if sohei would let me, i’d cancel the damn contract today.) sohei gets back but can’t finish watching the match because he’s anxious about the car and wants to go out.

however.

we’re hosting a d&d game tonight, so i have to finish cleaning first. so i get to work on the house while sohei watches little bear. i miss pretty much the entire second half of the first match and part of the first half of the next one. then i try to settle down with little bear to watch the rest of the second match, but he’s fussing and won’t sleep. then the repair place calls with bad news – of course – about how much all this shit is going to cost. at this point, i run out of patience and start venting about how we’ve already spent $500 on that car this month and he’s getting his dad’s bmw, so we should just sell the damn car already and cut our losses. ad he said that car is old, too, etc. and i made the mistake of pointing out that if we hadn’t dumped $900 into fixing my 20 year old car, and about the same on fixing his, we could have bought a brand new, working car by now. this statement somehow meant that the whole vent had been about him, etc. and we get in a big fight about that.

so when all was said and done, by the time it was noon: i’d watched maybe a total of 3o minutes of soccer all day, i’d spent most of the morning either worrying about how nothing we own actually works and we don’t have any money to fix or replace any of it, finishing with a huge fight with sohei while sleepless little bear looked on, bawling.

gee, i’m so glad for weekends. i get to do all the cleaning and fighting i didn’t get around to all week, on top of never being able to relax. fml.

little bear can crawl!

[updating manually from flickr]

I wrote this heartfelt post and my stupid iPod ate it. Oh well. Sounds like little bear is stirring and will probably want to eat.

I met with little bear’s future pediatrician today. There are three doctors in the practice, and the two I met looked younger than me. Which isn’t saying much nowadays, I guess, but you know… Anyway, she’s really nice and isn’t making me vaccinate him in the hospital, and said we can do his vaccines (or not) however I want. Also, I can call at any time, and have my questions answered whenever I’m freaking out. The practice seems well-run, and she’s not a jerk about stuff, so as long as we can afford them, that’s where we’re going.

While I was waiting to see her, I had my first serious ouch contraction. My Braxton-hicks have been painless though slightly uncomfortable until now. This one freaking hurt. And it went all the way around to my back. I feel kind of sick to my stomach even now, and my back still feels a bit tight. But there are no other indicators of impending labor, so I think it’s just practice. Maybe he’ll be here soon, though…

I’m really worried about Brumby. The vet says there’s nothing wrong with him, but he puked again today, and he’s just acting really sick. I honestly don’t know what could be wrong with him. I keep thinking must be getting into something, but I can’t figure out what. He’s eating the food the vet suggested, and he doesn’t seem to have diarrhea anymore. but he’s sluggish almost every day, and now he’s barfing again. I guess i’ll just keep a close eye on him, but it’s really freaking me out.

yet another reason peta annoys the crap out of me.

i remembered what i forgot to mention yesterday. so, it turns out sohei’s brother does want to rent our house. (i won’t kill him for not coming to that decision three or so months ago, as i am grateful that someone is freaking renting it.) he and a friend are renting for $750/month, which means we still have to pay about $200/month on the mortgage, but it’s all they can afford and it’s better than nothing. also, i know he won’t destroy the house, and as we’re still trying to sell, that’s helpful. i’m a little worried that the idiot property manager is going to find out they’re renting (we’ve told them to say they’re just staying there) as i don’t much feel like dealing with a lawsuit right now. but she didn’t do anything to get it rented, so whatevs. and if there is a lawsuit, i’m pretty sure we’d win. i’ve been gathering evidence of her complete lack of effort, and it’s pretty obvious she didn’t do her job. anyway, they’re renting on a monthly basis, so if someone does buy (ha!) they’re fine with having to leave with a couple months’ notice. it’s a pretty good arrangement, and that’s one less thing to worry about for now…

Brumby and my bump

Thunder woke me up and I can’t get back to sleep. Also, my throat hurts from my cold, and the reflux I’m still having from last night’s dinner isn’t helping. I was reading my rss feed yesterday, and saw a blog post where this guy was offering his condolences to a friend of his because his wife had just delivered their second stillborn baby. Both times the cause had been the cord wrapped around the baby’s neck. It’s not like I wasn’t aware that could happen, but hearing that it happened twice to the same woman made it feel a lot less rare. And since little bear has days where he doesn’t feel much like moving, that’s going to be a lot more nerve-wracking now. I can’t imagine basically carrying a baby to term, only to have it die like that. Actually, I kind of can, which is part of the reason I’m lying awake right now.

I know that it’s stupid, but I want him to be born now. He’s at least developed enough that he’d live. I can’t stand the thought of making it this far, and loving him this much, only to lose him to some freak occurance.

The other day, over at the pregnancy board I frequent, this lady posted that she’d just lost her baby at 28 weeks to an umbilical knot. And I felt awful for her, and it did freak me out. But as it was the only one I’d heard of, it felt more like an anomaly. But lightning striking the same poor woman twice… Also, I don’t know the statistics on the knot issue, but the nuchal cord thing happens in around 20% of pregnancies. And while it’s usually harmless, clearly sometimes it’s not.

I will be so happy when this is over and I’m holding my alive and well son. I mostly enjoyed my pregnancy, and it’s still not terrible, but it’s becoming more uncomfortable and I’m not getting any less panicky.

Now that I know sohei wants to keep the st. Pete house, too, I’m making it my mission to do that. (not that I wasn’t willing to help out or try before, but I feel a lot less depressed after learning we’re on the same page.)

I’m fed up trying to get the Tallahassee house rented. The property manager is useless and I’ve had to do everything myself or watch her like a hawk the whole time to get shit done. So I decided to contact our realtor and she’s willing to try to sell. Since we can’t afford to pay the mortgage after July, I’m going to lower the rent price to the point we’re taking a big loss but still have some help. Hopefully, with the rent price ridiculously low, someone will be interested. If I had my druthers, we’d pay until sohei’s licensed in September, then just quit paying on it while trying to sell. (it’s harder to sell a house as a rental property, but we haven’t much choice at this point.) anyway, if we sell now, we might break even. I just kind of wish we’d given selling it a go earlier, but stupid me trusted the idiot property manager when she said we’d be able to rent the house out at our original asking price. (yeah, she’s pretty much lied to us from day one.) so it’s not the greatest plan ever, but it’s all I have to work with at this point.

As plans are kind of in place for the Tallahassee house now, I have to try to focus on saving the st. Pete house. I looked into government help today so maybe we can get a new mortgage or something, but i think we’ll have to get rid of the Tallahassee house first. At any rate, once we’re settled back into the house, I’ll be talking options with someone over at this community outreach type place. Also, a rather sizable problem is the $400/mo condo fee, and we just got a letter last night saying it’s going up again. I’ll be going to that meeting, and I’ll be running for a position on the board at the next election.

So things aren’t perfect, but considering the circumstances, I think I’ve got this.

I’m so tired of going to bed hungry. This is why I quit dieting… Between the hunger and little bear being a spaz and the restless leg thing, I don’t get much sleep anymore. Lately, I don’t get to sleep until between 3-4, and get up with sohei around 7-8. And can’t get back to sleep… I think I’d be a lot less cranky about this stuff if I didn’t feel sick or hungry all the time. Thanks to my stomach issues, carbs are about all I can count on to not make me feel like shit. And now they’re pretty limited.

Then there’s the kidney thing. It’s my right kidney that’s always hurt my back, but I keep getting these pains in my flank now, too. I think pregnancy’s exacerbating whatever the problem is. I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn’t wait a whole year to figure out what’s wrong. I have some time to decide, though, because I’m not adding any more doctor appointments to my schedule until I’m back in pinellas. As it is, we have to go over there once a week for everything else. Frankly, I don’t think I can handle getting diagnosed with anything else right now anyway.

I’m updating via the wordpress app on my iPod…

[aren't you glad you just had a great meal?]

What is this? 1984?

this was taken on my way to work this morning. it didn’t actually start pissing down rain until i was forced to wait at the gate to the parking lot, because the moron in front of me just sat there for about five minutes, and i couldn’t reverse because there was someone right behind me. by the time i had to roll the window down to use my gate card, it was pouring. then i had to walk to the building in it. my clothes are soaked, including my shoes, and will be for half the day. i’m pretty sure i could’ve parked and got to the front doors before it started raining, if that fucktard hadn’t just sat there with his thumb up his ass. i’m going to go key his car when it stops raining.

I’m posting from my iPod! This rules!

Neko chewed thru the ribbon anchoring the balloon

i didn’t include the argyle socks, since they’re in the dryer.

Test

when (if) i get knocked up, do not ever, for any reason, call me
“preggers.” i fucking hate that word.

thank you.

http://www.salon.com/politics/war_room/2006/10/06/foleyphoto/index.html

Outside sohei’s office window – trapped!

sohei is getting impatient, so here’s the link to my new blog. i’ll apologize later for making you change your links yet again.

i finally have my site set up on wordpress. all that’s left is some minor tweaking, i think. it’s freakin’ sweet. it will be hard waiting til new year’s to start using it. of course, it’s looking like i’ll have to perhaps do a separate theme for explorer users, since a couple of things aren’t working when viewed with that browser. so i guess it’s just as well that i have to wait. but i’m actually really liking wordpress. i can have private entries that only certain viewers can read, switchable themes, categories, etc. i still need to figure out how to implement the theme switcher, and how to set privacy levels, but i think it’ll be fine. oh, and i’m sorry that the site looks bloody awful right now, but i was using it to test some things. the new layout will look nice at any size, though, for once.

it’s been pretty boring around here, lately, but i don’t think there’s been a whole lot going on, anyway. except political stuff, and i don’t feel like foaming at the mouth just now.

well, let’s see if this actually posts. i tried to post on friday, and it didn’t work. stupid blogger. i’m getting annoyed with blogging, in general, if you haven’t noticed by my lack of posts. it was my intention to switch to b2 evolution and launch my new blog on january 1. but everyone i talked to on their “support” forums was a total dick. which is why i’m no longer going to use their software. so i’m trying to use wordpress. yes, again. i’m actually having better luck with it than usual, but it’s still giving me problems, and no one on the forums is helping. at all. sure, they’re not being assholes, like the people over at b2, but if i can’t get my blog set up, it’s not really going to be very useful, is it? i’m just kind of sick of messing with it at this point, and it’s beginning to look like, no matter what i choose to do, none of it will be ready by january 1. which is an arbitrary date, but i’d really like to just have everything set up, so i can just freaking blog.

and i don’t really feel like talking about anything else right now.

maybe it’s because i’m rather depressed today, or in a weird mood, but reading this brought me as close to tears as i’m comfortable being at work. (if i were at home, however, i think i would have actually cried.) just mind-blowing.

i finished all my school work yesterday, after working my ass off for over a week. so you’d think i wouldn’t be stressed right now, right?

hahahahaha…

i just learned, this morning, that i have a meeting at church tonight, and they want the case statement and, presumably, some kind of sample of the brochure. have i written the case statement? no. do i have anything tangible to give them for the brochure? no. in fact, i just got my subcommittee together last week to start on that, so at least i’ve gotten somewhere. kind of.

so that leaves me this afternoon to come up with something decent for the case statement, when i’m not even entirely sure what i’m supposed to be doing. for some perspective, i think the finished case statement was due on november 7. so, yeah.

between school and church and the perpetual shit that goes on in my marriage (now! with holiday/law school application stress!) i want to just disappear. i want to be completely and totally alone, until my sanity comes creeping back. that includes my beloved animals, who have been literally whining incessantly since i got home from work. not exactly conducive to trying to write an impossible document which is due in a few hours’ time.

i can’t even describe how stressed out i am right now. i just want the world to go away for a while.

i know it’s wrong, but i think the still captured here is really cute. okay, i’ll be going to hell now. i just can’t hate laura. she’s a fellow librarian, and while she can give off a creepy vibe sometimes, i kind of feel sorry for her. i don’t think she’s nearly as evil as her husband or his crazy mother. talk about nasty in-laws… poor woman.

[music|tum bin shayam - dj cheb i sabbah]

just checking in. coz i’m supposed to be finishing my paper.

i took my first sick day today. technically, i don’t get sick days, so this makes me nervous. but there is no way i could’ve made it through work today with my stomach behaving like it was. this wasn’t my usual ibs, either, or the meds would’ve worked for it. around 2 this morning, i was dreaming about something – don’t remember what – when, in my dream, my stomach started making these awful noises, and i felt like i was going to be sick. well, the noises were real, and loud enough to actually wake me up. i stared stupidly at my gut for a few seconds, realized i wasn’t still dreaming, and dashed to the bathroom. :sick:

so, anyway, i also dreamt that i was on a plane, which crashed right into the ocean. and have just learned that juchan is flying to new orleans today. so i’m a bit nervous and will be calling her shortly.

after i get back from being sick again. excuse me.

[music|the guitar - they might be giants]

weather pixie is back! w00t. but you can’t actually see it on my site because blogger won’t publish any changes to my template. well fuck you, blogger. i’m totally breaking up with you soon, and i’m really glad, you big, stupid dummy. jerk.

[music|maname diname - dj cheb i sabbah]

Your 2005 Song Is

Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz “Love forever love is free. Let’s turn forever you and me.” In 2005, you were loving life and feeling no pain.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it’s easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

[tv|food network]

what i’m supposed to be doing: working on one of two term papers or one of two projects or my church stuff.

what i’m going to do: go to bed and continue reading the jungle.

because i’m really tired, and my back hurts so badly today that it was actually going into weird spasms at work. so, once again, i say suck it, world.

oh, and i’m pretty much set to begin blogging with new software as of january 1, like i planned. i’m going to do a couple more backgrounds, but aside from that, i think the hard stuff is done. because i do my best web work when i’m supposed to be doing just about anything else. (i fixed my layout in firefox, btw, i’m just too lazy to do it over here.)

and i never mentioned it, coz i was waiting for juchan to blog about it, but her trip to nc for thanksgiving seemed to go well. apparently, our stepbrother (omg, i have a brother) has pictures of us on his cell phone. or ipod. i forget. anyway, juchan and i were touched but mortified, because they were the really awful pics dad took of us when we went to the timeshare in august. still, i think that’s about the sweetest thing ever. i can’t wait to meet him. i don’t think i’ve said much about him here, but he’s 15, i think, and likes playing basketball. and video games. and that’s all i know. (yes, it is a bit odd to have a mom and brother you know absolutely nothing about. well, juchan does, lucky jerk. haha j/k)

and brumby’s going to the vet tomorrow for his last vaccine and to get fixed. i’m rather worried about my baby dog going under the knife, even if it is standard procedure. so wish him well, please? and i’m not looking forward to being without him for a day, either, coz he has to stay the night. mehhhh my poor little brum-brum… at least he’s over his cough. dunno whether i mentioned that or not…

okay, i’m going to bed.

[music|neon wilderness - the verve]

i know i haven’t been updating much. i’m just incredibly busy, and all i’d do is whine anyway. it’s not damn good times around here again, which i’m sure you gathered from my previous post. it sounds silly, but i was thinking today how nice it would be to have an ultra-secret blog somewhere and only tell certain people. but i tried that before, and sohei found it anyway. i’m also thinking that when things slow down a bit, i’m going to clean out my computer and cpanel account. what a mess. what i’d really like is to just start over with a clean slate. you know, i might just do that for the new year… i do like the layout i have, but i just can’t figure out how to make it work in firefox. but, really, i want to delete just about everything in my account and start over. i may even try new blog software. who knows? not me.

anyway, i can’t do anything fun like play my new sims expansion or blog when there’s a bunch of stupid, crappy work to be done. stupid finals time.

apparently, i’m irritating. i don’t know what it is about me that is the most irritating, though… maybe it’s the way i constantly fawn over him and compliment him. maybe it’s the way i ask him all the time if everything’s alright, or how i ask for permission before i ever do anything. or it could be the way i paste a smile on my face even when i’m feeling like shit inside, because i’m especially irritating when i’m mopey. sure, i could stop doing all that, but i’m also irritating when i sing or joke or talk or sometimes even breathe. (like his breath is minty fresh first thing in the morning.) because, as we all know, i can’t do a damn thing right. i am always, always wrong. to the very core of my being. everything i think or say or do is wrong. my beliefs are wrong. the way i feel about other people is wrong. ever feeling an iota of pride is wrong. no matter what i do, i’m stupid. or weird or lame or unpleasant in some way. i am so, so tired of trying to make every asshole i know, happy. i’m tired of deferring. to my dad, to my husband, to everyone. no one respects me, and trying to be polite and friendly hasn’t gotten me anywhere. i’m sick of gritting my teeth while my bowels tie themselves in knots. i still don’t know how to make people respect me, but i’m sick of trying. i’d rather just make myself happy and tell everyone else to go to hell. who cares if i don’t earn any friends that way? i don’t have any, anyway, do i? my being nice doesn’t make anyone happy. in fact, it irritates everyone. so why bother? if everyone thinks i’m an irritating bitch now, they ain’t seen nothing yet…

oh, by the way, happy fucking thanksgiving.

[tv|food network]

i know i haven’t updated a lot lately, but there have been some things i wasn’t even allowed to talk about til now. so here’s the past few days, in a nutshell:

on friday, i wrote a pretty good article for the church newsletter.

on saturday, i went to the peak oil conference. it was really cool. but it would’ve been better if some people hadn’t wasted the question time on bragging about their hybrid cars and how many miles they get to the gallon. you’re teh awesome, we know. then i came home and did schoolwork, and we took brumby to the dog park.

then on sunday i did nothing, and it was good.

and today i went to work and did stuff. and kept playing gopets, which i’ve been playing since sunday and is the shizznite. (my name on there is gish, duh. so friend me.)

and my dad is getting married tomorrow. i’m not even going to talk about it.

i’m so tired of keeping secrets and trying to be good and letting people do whatever they want and just sitting there. everyone just gets mad at me anyway, and everyone sucks.

so to end this lovely post, i’ll just put in something i wrote the other day, coz i don’t feel like writing like i thought i did.

I’m writing from work. I was actually going to blog from work, but I forgot my password. Go me. Yeah, not really the best idea, but I feel like if I don’t get some of my thoughts out, I’m going to go crazy…

I’ve been afraid lately. After everything that’s happened in the past year or so, I feel like I’m taking it all too well. I’m afraid that one day, it’s going to all cave in and I’m going to completely lose it. I didn’t get any real help after mum died, nor after Jason’s suicide. I have to wonder if I’m in some sort of denial. Or maybe people don’t really need to go to a shrink when they have a real reason to be sad. I don’t see how talking to a stranger about any of this would make me feel any better or more sane. Maybe I’m just really heartless. I always saw myself as someone with a rather sensitive nature, but I began to question that after Jason killed himself. I’m supposed to feel guilty, right? I’m not supposed to just go on about my daily business as though I hadn’t anything to do with it. I’m not supposed to feel happy or at peace, am I? (Not that I’m happy that he’s dead, I just mean in general.)

So is this all going to come crashing down someday? Will I realize the gravity of it all? What will happen then? Or am I just really callous? I know I should be over what happened to mum by now, but I feel like I got over it too quickly. When I actually stop and think about it, I get pretty upset. Which is what frightens me. Have I not thought about it enough? Have I been so busy with life that the minute I actually stop and think, I’ll go crazy?

I’ve just been so happy since I got this job. It feels like life is finally starting to work out a little. But there’s this feeling like something heavy and terrible is hanging over my head, and when I least expect it, it’s going to fall and crush me. I want to just enjoy being happy for once, but for various reasons, I can’t. I know it doesn’t make sense to go around worrying if you should be worried about something. And I think I’ll try harder not to. I guess if I do lose it, I’ll just worry about it then.

why, yes, i am overwhelmed with things to do. how could you tell?

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way – and it’s made for colorful times. Your life hasn’t turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness! Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

Your Nail Polish Color is Black

How you’re unique: There’s nothing about you that isn’t unique Why your style rocks: You are a total indie chick… and you can pull it off What this color says about you: “I’m a trendsetter and don’t care what anyone else is doing!”

He’s Not Even Swimming in Your Pond

Even though you may have feelings to this guy, he has no ties to you. You’ll never get more than a casual fling from him – even if he tells you otherwise. His thoughtless actions speak louder than his sweet words!

ouch.

You Are Downtown

You’re a funky spirit that requires freedom to live. Your city girl persona needs adventure, diversity, and great pizza.

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

You Can Hang With the Guys and the Girls

You’ve struck a good balance between girlie and laid back. You can keep it casual but when you dress up, you are as girly as the next girl.

You Belong in Rome

You’re a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you’re attracted to the romance of Rome Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men – could life get any better?

This Fall, You Should Wear

A Punk Rock Bag

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

oh i know men. and i hate them.

You Are a Passionate Kisser

You are the most likely type to kiss a sexy stranger Your kissing style is unpredictable and free spirited You could kiss anyone at a drop of a hat It’s all about where your passion leads you

Your Fashion Style is Urban

You’ve got a style all your own… and it works Not too trendy, not too freaky – you’ve got streetwear down to a science You always look cute and put together, but keep it comfortable too You’re the type of girl that creates trends and inspires others to be funky

Your Celebrity Style Twin is Gwen Stefani

Trendsetting, unique, and stylish.

Men See You As Playful

Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate You know how to push men’s buttons and attract a wide range of guys You enjoy living and loving – it’s one of your most attractive qualities Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

You’re Part Diva

You know that a girl’s gotta work it to get her way in the world. And while you aren’t about to throw a tantrum at every turn… You do amp up the drama when you know you need it. You mix charm, honesty, and kindness to get ahead.

Guys Like That You’re Sensitive

And not in that “cry at a drop of a hat” sort of way You just get most guys – even if you’re not trying to Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

Your Inner Retro Girl Is

1980s Goth Girl

Your Scent is Pumpkin Pie

Warm, comforting, and a bit old fashioned You’ve got what men want – believe it or not!

if you’re in a bad mood or don’t otherwise want to share an annoying sort of joy, please don’t read this post.

i love bear.
i love my family.
i love my pets. (not in that way — i’m not rick santorum.)
i love my family’s pets. (welcome home, gikun.)
i love my job.
i love my boss. (again, not in that way.)
i love my co-workers.
i love (most of) the students.
i love karma.
i love being able to drive.
i love being alive.
i love my house.
i love holidays.
i love my church.
i love sleeping.
i love eating good food.
i love…
…that the world can be a terrible place, but there’s always some good, too.
i love balance; life, the universe, and everything.
even when the scales aren’t tipped in my favor.

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn’t mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

i don’t even know what to say. he’s been one of my favorite wrestlers since i started watching years ago. rest in peace, eddie.

[tv|camp lazlo - cartoon network]

so ends my first full week of work. boss one and i had a good time today. he invited me to thanksgiving, too, which was really sweet of him. he wanted the whole library crew to drop by, but the two night girls had plans. and stupid sohei says we can’t go. but i feel really badly for my boss, since he’s so far from home and doesn’t have anyone to spend the holiday with. so i asked sohei if he could just join us for whatever we’re doing, but he said no to that, too. poor boss one. maybe we could do something the friday after and sohei can just suck it. i don’t know why sohei is always suspicious about guys when i like girls a lot better most of the time. i guess he doesn’t like anyone i hang out with…

so, yeah, that’s all for now.

i know i said i wasn’t going to blog about work, but if i didn’t, what else would i talk about? my life recently is school, work, church, so… yeah. that’s all for it.

anyway, i still love my job. though something odd happened today. this lady, i guess she was a faculty member, came into the library a couple of times, and bitched out the students about getting back to class. and both times, the students she was bothering were black girls. in fact, one of the girls said, “it’s always the black girl who gets in trouble.” then the girl assured me she was kidding, which i guess means that now i am among those that can be considered “the man.” :sick: sohei keeps telling me how professional i look, and i think he likes it. i do, a bit, but i just keep feeling like i’m playing dress-up. and i want to wear my lip ring all the time. anyway… so then the lady comes up to my desk and says, “so are you actually doing work, or just playing?” i gave her a second to tell me she was just joking, and when she didn’t, i said, “um, it’s for school. i’m doing homework.” which i was, not that it was any of her damn business. :annoyed: but when i responded to one of my boss’ emails this evening, i told him about it, and he said he’d take care of it. so that’s good, i guess.

i really actually have two bosses, and i’m not good with the nickname thing, so i’ll call them boss one and boss two. boss one will be the younger guy, since i interract with him more, and boss two will be the older guy. not that you care. maybe i’ll come up with nicknames eventually…

so work has been good. and school has been crazy. and i have so much to do regarding church that i’m going to keel over and die. the thing is, i know that school and work should be my first priority. but i’ve been entrusted with some pretty important stuff on my church committee, and, as usual, i feel like i have something to prove. yes, the fat, punk-ass girl can actually accomplish things in a timely manner and do a damn good job of it. ya know?

sigh.

well, i have to go get ready for bed and all. boss one is going to be at work tomorrow, and i’m looking forward to chatting with him. at most of my old jobs, i would always wish i never had to see any of my bosses, but he’s actually nice to be around. so.

oyasumi nasai.

[tv|ignoring]

man, i’m tired. :sleepy: i can’t seem to get used to getting up at 7, no matter how early i go to bed. i just don’t like getting up in the morning, i guess. so here’s what i’ve been up to…

sunday was a beautiful day. we went to the book sale at church, and i bought stuff. i got: joy luck club, the jungle (sinclair), leaves of grass, japanese etiquette (circa 1955), and one hundred years of solitude. and i paid for the things i picked up on friday: ulysses and a how to speak arabic tape/book set. all for $6, including what sohei got. :happy: i love books. then we went to the mall and i got some new work clothes for pretty cheap: black skirt with lace on, two blouses, and a camisole. and then we took brumby to the dog park, which he quite enjoyed. everyone thinks he’s very cute, including the two dogs that kept trying to mount him. :shocked: and it was just so nice outside. and we saw this girl there with her scottie, that we’d seen before at the pet store. which was neat.

and on monday and tuesday, my boss was at work to make sure i understood everything. i like talking to him coz he’s so silly. and he’s smart without being pompous, which is nice. duke of pickle! :lol: but today i was on my own. i think i did okay. and i’m learning to drive the route to work, and i almost have it down. i should have my license by the end of the month.

so i love my job, and everything’s good, except for a problem i’m having with school. i didn’t get my registration card for spring, so i didn’t know it was time to sign up. then yesterday my boss mentioned he was signing up for classes at fsu, and i’m like, wtf? i’d better go look and see if i need to be doing that. and all the damn classes were full! :pissed: i don’t know when i was supposed to be signing up, but i was obviously late. so i’ve been checking the schedule obsessively to see if anything’s opened up. thankfully, i managed to swipe a class that someone dropped this morning, so that’s one. but there are six required classes to get the degree, and i want to take at least one next semester. coz after this semester, i’ll still have four left to take, and i want to get them out of the way. especially since summer is sparse with the classes.

anyway, i have to go get ready for my stewardship meeting. someone offered to give me a ride, which is nice coz i wouldn’t be able to go, otherwise. sooo busy…

eleven years ago november 11, i met someone who would change my life. and not in an entirely good way. but he was a part of my history, and became a large part of who i am today. on november 11, he became my boyfriend and would be for about five months. that seemed like such a long time back then. and then something happened, and i didn’t ever want to see him again. the experience changed me, and changed the way i looked at the world and other people, especially men. and he was more or less out of my life for ten years.

not long ago, he found his way back into it.

i told myself i forgave him for what he’d done. i thought i had gotten past it. but i guess i hadn’t. and i lashed out at him in a way i have never done. i don’t do that to people, ever. but my reaction was so visceral, and ten years of hate and hurt and fear and anger and disgust poured out of me. and i didn’t hear back from him.

until october 30. he sent me a message saying he loved me, and i had helped him to see the light. he had always had a problem with those words: i love you. when we were together, he would only say ich liebe dich. but i didn’t read the message until november 3.

the day he took his own life.

and by then it was too late to say anything. but what would i have said to that, anyway? i’m still not sure. to be honest, probably nothing. as it was, the message sat in my inbox for days, unread, in an account i seldom use. and i don’t know how to feel about all of this. i have never known anyone that has done this, before. and i have never personally known anyone who died so young. (27) it was only a year ago that i lost my mother. and then at least i knew how i felt. there was no conflict, no regrets, no doubt. this time, i can’t say the same. i know he made his own choice, but i also know what it feels like when you want to die. you sit there and list, in your head, all the reasons you have to die. how few reasons you have to live. and i can’t help but feel that maybe i had contributed to that. my words helped make up that list of reasons that life wasn’t worth living. and i know that it’s selfish, but i value human life so much that the thought of having contributed, in any way, to the end of one… well. it’s just overwhelming.

i can’t tell you how i feel about all of this. or how i feel about him. i can’t describe it, or put it into words. i’m not even sure, myself, half the time. but i do know that at least i’ve learned something. i will never again say to someone the sorts of things i said to him. i will not hold grudges, no matter the reason. this is something that will probably weigh on my conscience, to some extent, for the rest of my life. he was a lot of things to me. before things went so wrong, he had been my first love, and i, his. and then there was a long period of time during which i hated him, and then just general ambivalence.

but now he’s gone. and it’s not up to me to decide whether the world is better or worse off without him. and, unlike when mum died, i now know that all that has changed is that one wave has broken and another will rise in its place.

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique. You’re probably a little less weird these days – but even more talented!

[music|convenience album - die warzau]

i really wanted to blog yesterday, but blogger was being a total pain.

anyway, my first day at work was yesterday. it was basically paid training. i’ve decided i’m not going to talk about work too awfully much on here, because i know that gets people into trouble sometimes. i have nothing but good things to say so far, but some companies don’t like it no matter what. i didn’t want to come out and ask, of course, because there’s a chance no one will ever even find out about this place anyway. but i think i’m going to love this job, despite the low pay. my boss is really, really sweet and fun to talk to. we spent most of yesterday just chatting. and when he was showing me how to create a new account, he used the name harvey gigglefritz, and we laughed like sunshine for ages. maybe you had to be there. and i think we both answer to a bigger boss, who is also nice. he acts rather stern, but i know he’s actually very pleasant. he reminds me of uncle steve. and the rest of the faculty i met were really sweet, too. this lady in the front office complimented me on my blouse, which was nice, because i wasn’t entirely sure of it. and the students are great, too. everyone is just so pleasant, and the library itself is so quiet and tiny and cozy. i’m actually looking forward to going back on monday. the only other job i’ve ever looked forward to going to was the library job in gainesville. so, yeah, everything’s good. :happy:

and this morning, sohei dropped me off at the mcdonalds near church so i could have some breakfast and hang out til i was supposed to show up. i had a sausage muffin, hashbrown, and small orange juice, and paid ten cents extra for the newspaper i like better. so i was kind of enjoying everything, and then this guy sits down at the table across from me and starts talking to himself. this kind of thing always happens to me, which is why i seldom go out by myself. he was young and looked perfectly normal, except that he kind of looked like he could snap and start a killing spree at any moment, muttering to himself. so i just got the hell out of there and showed up at the church about half an hour early. i saw the minister right away, and then met one of the nice office ladies. i love my church. and then everyone showed up and we got to work.

sohei has been in a foul mood all day, though, so i’m going to just skip anything to do with him.

and then i got home, and here i am. everything is so busy now. it’s nice to have activities, but i’m so tired. i’m really no good at getting up early, and now i’m getting up at 7 every morning. a little before 7, actually. so i’m hoping i can get used to that. and i’m hoping i can get my license really soon, too, coz i’m getting really tired of having to be early for everything and wait around forever, and miss things i need to do. which reminds me, i need to find a ride to the stewardship meeting.

so many emails to send out today…

Maybe I’m inside
To cut the strings that bind us
Take the thing that holds us here
While it’s beating

Maybe I’m beneath the skin
There’s no way to go but down
To the ground beneath me
And we are all the same

And if you’re the one to stop this roller coaster
Don’t think that I’m an evil thing just that I was curious
And if you’re the gun who puts me out of your way
Don’t think that I’m an evil thing just that I was curious

curious – die warzau

[tv|ignoring]

the observation went pretty well last night, and i was almost sure i had the job. he said they’d call on wednesday afternoon or thursday, when i first got there. by the time i left, he said he’d definitely call wednesday afternoon. so he called this morning and said i got the job. he said i could have time to think about it before i accepted, but i said i totally wanted the job. so i’ll be starting tomorrow. i’m still volunteering at church on friday, i guess. sohei said i was stupid to do that, but i didn’t want to just leave them hanging, especially since no one else was really volunteering to do the book sale. sohei said i should have either told the church i couldn’t do it, or tell my boss that i couldn’t start til monday. but he seemed to want me to start tomorrow, so i didn’t know what to do. but dad and sohei said not to worry about it now. so i guess i won’t.

i can’t believe i finally have a job…

[music|19-2000 - gorillaz]

i had yet another variation of my recurring dream last night. i think it’s coz i spent about two hours on the phone with dad last night, talking about his girlfriend, while she and her son were at a church function. after i got off the phone with him, i told sohei about some of the things dad told me, and he was all negative as usual. he thinks what dad’s doing is disrespectful to people like nana (mum’s mum) and whatnot. but i don’t think dad could do anything right as far as sohei’s concerned. i really don’t understand why he dislikes my father so damn much. dad is nothing but nice to him, and the way sohei treats him just embarrasses me sometimes. and of course he’s already decided that he hates dad’s girlfriend coz she’s a fundie. well, fuck it. i’m just going to like her until she gives me a reason not to. the world can just suck it. (this is in no way directed at juchan, because it’s her dad and she has every right to feel how she’s going to feel about this. it’s her business, just like how i feel is my business. but i’ll always be there for her no matter what, because no one outranks juchan.)

by the way, my politcal compass is: Economic Left/Right: -8.63 Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -7.85

which means that i’m at the far left, lower section of the graph; a communist anarchist as it were. with gandhi, mandela, and the dalai lama. how about you?

anyway, i have to go get ready for faux-work. i’m going in to observe tonight.

ooh. die warzau’s bodybag just came on, so i have to stick around til it’s over.

i actually think i did well at this interview. and now i really want the job. :blush: but there are two other people that they’re considering, so i have to wait til the end of the week to find out. the guy that did most of the interviewing was nice. he mentioned he was from iowa, and i said i was, too, and he was so excited to hear that. it really is rare to meet someone else from there, so it was pretty cool. i do think he liked me quite a bit, but it’s up to his boss, too, so we’ll see. i’ll talk more about the whole thing later, maybe. i don’t want him to google me before i get the job and find out what a weirdo i am… (hey, it could happen.)

[music|enjoy - bjork]

i’ve been having a rather disturbing recurring dream lately. it’s kind of different each time, but the theme is similar, and i’m starting to feel like hamlet…

in these dreams, mum is still alive. (though she seemed rather more ghostly in the first one.) and dad has left her for his girlfriend. when these dreams first started, i mostly felt apologetic for being so nice about dad’s girlfriend. mum would ask, almost accusingly, if i was okay with all this. and i would say that i had been, and i was sorry. then last night i dreamt that she was poor and living in this crappy house, and she needed some financial help, but dad was ignoring her. and i was really pissed off at him, because mum seemed so hurt that he’d left her for another woman, and then she had to live in this awful place. i always wake up feeling terrible, and then just feel off, and kind of sad, throughout the day.

i’m guessing that these dreams/nightmares stem from my feelings of guilt for being so okay with dad having a girlfriend already. the thing is, i don’t see why not. it’s not like mum is ever coming back. and whether you believe in heaven or reincarnation, i don’t see how she would even care at this point. i’ve been second-guessing my feelings and reactions since she died a year ago, and it’s still going on, in one way or another. i’m thinking it’s because everyone’s treating me like i’m naive for thinking this relationship is at all okay. so now i’m just second-guessing myself again. the thing is, if dad’s really happy, i don’t care about anything else. i’m not worried about my inheritance or mum being offended or anything. so these dreams just frustrate me, because i feel like they’re coming from somewhere other than me.

anyway, i have to go get ready for the interview. i freaking hate interviews. i always screw them up somehow, so i get all worked up over nothing. maybe, though, since i don’t really care if i get this job, the interview will go better. who knows? not me.

and before you yell at me for being so casual about this job, keep in mind that the pay is barely above minimum wage ($7/hr) and won’t be a tremendous help in paying for school. besides, having to take a minimum wage job when you’re a college graduate — with additional vocational certification, no less — is a little depressing. still, i’ll give this a go. if nothing else, maybe everyone will finally leave me alone about being unemployed.

you know you don’t have the right attitude when you’re more worried about your piercing closing than you are about whether you get the job…

i just wrote this as a post to the bulletin board of one of my classes, and thought i’d share. the definitions in question are:

nigger: Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of earlier neger, from Middle French negre, from Spanish or Portuguese negro, from negro black, from Latin niger
1 usually offensive, see usage paragraph below : a black person
2 usually offensive, see usage paragraph below : a member of any dark-skinned race
3 : a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons
usage Nigger in senses 1 and 2 can be found in the works of such writers of the past as Joseph Conrad, Mark Twain, and Charles Dickens, but it now ranks as perhaps the most offensive and inflammatory racial slur in English. Its use by and among blacks is not always intended or taken as offensive, but, except in sense 3, it is otherwise a word expressive of racial hatred and bigotry.

mcjob: Function: noun
Date: 1986
: a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement

both definitions are via merriam-webster.

on to my post:

Since I’m white, I don’t really feel that it’s my place to say how offended people of another race are allowed to be, regarding a word that is used toward them in a derogatory way. Especially since the word carries a lot of emotional weight, historically.

I don’t think that such words should be removed from the dictionary, however. Some words are hateful, but have been part of the English language for a long time. Not putting a word into the dictionary does not mean that the word no longer exists. We, as a country, spend entirely too much time ignoring our collective problem with race as it is, and I don’t see how trying to delete or redefine offensive words will help the situation. Ignoring the race problem is not making it go away, and removing slurs from a dictionary isn’t going to make people stop saying that word. The “n” word is offensive to a lot of people, as it was used during a particularaly shameful time in our history. But do we want to forget this time? I know a lot of people would like to, but a forgotten past is more likely to be repeated. It isn’t as though Websters hasn’t noted that the “n” word is a slur, and made it clear that the word is offensive. When we try to sanitize everything, it just makes it easier to forget what a nasty world this is sometimes. And if we just gloss over everything, will anything ever have a hope of being fixed?

Also, I’d like to point out that I can definitely see how the definition of “McJobs” could offend the people that work there. I did my time in a restaurant (though not McDonalds), and it was one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had. It’s true that the job didn’t pay well, and there wasn’t much chance of advancement, and I didn’t particularly care, since it was just a summer job for me to get by. But I do think the definition has somewhat of an elitist ring to it. It’s easy for people that have probably never worked at a physically taxing job a day in their life to be so flippant about something like that. Imagine what that definition must sound like to someone that will be working at a job like that for the rest of their life. Pretty depressing, huh?

The “n” word is offensive, and “McJob” can be considered offensive as well. They are disagreeable in different ways, to be sure. The “n” word has more history behind it, for one thing. But both words smack of elitist snark, and are derogatory. Yet both have a place in the dictionary as common parlance, and, if anything, to remind us that throughout history, belittling others has always been important to the human race.

[radio|democracy now - wmnf 88.5]

well, fitzmas has begun. it feels so far like i’ve only gotten socks. but they’re cool socks, like the baby phat ones with the kitties on. so all is not lost, but what about rove? and cheney? c’mon! i wanted a damn bratz house, not socks. even if they’re cool socks.

waiting is hell…

[tv|i love the 80s - vh1]

according to the mash game on the bratz website, i’m going to marry kevin ogilvie, live in a mansion, be a mum, and drive a mini. sweet. :lol:

and we have interview! he called this morning and we talked on the phone for a bit regarding the job. i’ll be going in to interview with him and another guy, next monday.

aside from that, this morning has been bloody awful. i took brumby out this morning, then brought him back in and gave him breakfast. i went back to bed, like i always do, and he started that weird noise he makes when he’s soiled his bedding. (we’ve only put his bedding in his crate twice now, and both times he’s soiled it. so no more bedding til he’s housebroken.) so i go to look, and there’s a piece of poo about a foot away from his crate. i was wondering how he managed to projectile-poo that far when i notice that there’s plenty more, all over the floor of his crate. he shat on his towel, and i guess tried to bury the rest of it with his towel and toys. of course, he wouldn’t sit still while i tried to clean it up, so out on the porch he went. he barked and made tons of noise while i threw his towel and cloth toy in the wash. (after removing as much poo as possible, of course.) then i had to clean his crate and hand-wash his non-cloth toys. damn good times.

then the power went out.

i had just put brumby back in his crate when the power went out. i kept trying to call sohei, but his phone was dead. so the power came back on, and i saw on the news that miers was withdrawing, which makes me happy. sohei, however, is suspicious.

and then the guy called about the job, and i was so harried, i thought he asked to speak to sohei. which confused the hell out of me, of course. so i sounded like an idiot to start with. i think i may sounded better over the course of the conversation, but who knows? not me.

anyway, i can’t stay in here much longer coz it smells like dog crap, even though i cleaned the hell out of everything.

[tv|paula's home cooking - food network]

i’ve been reading a lot lately about the ds and some of the games available on it. as usual, sohei doesn’t want me to get it. (he was pretty pissed when my parents gave me the gba i asked for as a birthday gift a few years back.) but that’s not going to stop me from asking one of our parents for it for christmas. :nyah: there’s a pink one out now, but it’s a limited time thing. besides, i’ve heard from some people that it’s ugly. the silver would prolly be better anyway, in case sohei decides he wants to use it. so, to prove to sohei that there are games i (and he) actually want on this system, and to remind me which games i want to look into, here is my nintendo ds wishlist:

advance wars: dual strike (sohei would prolly like this)
age of empires 2 (again, for sohei as well)
animal crossing ds
black and white creatures
dynasty warriors (for sohei)
electroplankton
final fantasy: crystal chronicles
harvest moon ds
lost in blue
monster rancher
new super mario bros.
nintendogs (lab version)
organizer plus (hey, this means i can stop begging sohei for a pda)
secret of mana
shogun warrior: real time conflict (for sohei)
sprung
super mario 64 ds
super princess peach
the sims 2
the urbz: sims in the city (maybe… already played it on a different system)
zoo tycoon

mind you, this list could be pared down after i read more about these games. there are other ones that i’d prolly like to rent, too. i’ve wanted the system since i found out that animal crossing was going to be on it, but i want it even more if it’s going to have organizer software. i can’t wait til christmas. :lol:

[tv|ignoring]

i got another email from school yesterday with a job listing. it’s for a small nursing school nearby. for some reason, i didn’t feel too excited about it yesterday, and didn’t start on my resume til today. so i looked up the school and it’s only a few miles from my house. and i think it’s near sohei’s work. i’d be working from 8 am through 1 pm, so it’s part time. i have no idea how much it pays, but at this point, i don’t care. so i was working on my resume, when i realized i’m probably way more qualified than most of my classmates, due to my medical transcription experience. so i’m stupidly allowing myself to get excited about my chances. who knows, though? maybe there are a lot of library students out there with medical vocational degrees. maybe one of them has a degree in nursing. many of them already have another masters degree, so why not? anyway, it’s worth a shot. and i’m really hoping i get this, coz otherwise i don’t know how i’ll be paying for school next semester…

Soundtrack To Your Life
Opening Credits:	paranoid android – radiohead
Waking Up:	i wanna be sedated – ramones
Average Day:	6 underground – sneaker pimps
First Date:	happiness – front 242
Falling In Love:	hyper-ballad – bjork
Sex Scene:	cannibal song – ministry
Fight Scene:	still don’t give a fuck – eminem
Breakup:	bleed – tapping the vein
Getting Back Together:	love song – jack off jill
Great Day:	today – smashing pumpkins
Horrible Day:	spasmolytic – skinny puppy
Mental Breakdown:	blackout – muse
Driving:	jesus built my hotrod – ministry
Figuring It Out The Hard Way:	curious – die warzau
Flashback:	here – mark saunders remix (gravity kills)
Partying:	naked eye – luscious jackson
Regretting:	tomorrow comes today – gorillaz
Long Night Alone:	flute song – cranes
Death Scene:	red hair whisper – rosewater elizabeth
Closing Credits:	just one fix – meg lee chin
Take this survey | Find more surveys You’ve been totally Bzoink*d

wow. it’s kind of hard to make a decent sound track, ya know? there were so many songs i wanted to include… anyway, i think it’s pretty fitting.

[radio|wmnf 88.5]

a quick recap of my weekend:

juchan arrived friday night, and we ate a kick-ass dinner. seriously, that was one of the best lasagnas i think i ever made. and we had garlic and cheese bread and salad and everything. which was good, coz the poor kids were starving. and then we went to the liquor store and got margarita fixins, and walked brumby, and watched sixteen candles, which i’ve never seen before. but i’m old and tired and we went to bed after that. (i am teh suck as a hostess.)

the next morning, juchan and i were chatting and playing with brumby, and deciding what to do for the day when gakun got a call from their roommates. apparently, juchan’s cat, gigi, escaped through a window that the roommates had left open. you can imagine how they felt about that… so gakun and juchan left pretty quickly. i felt so terrible, imagining that poor kitty roaming around in all the storms we had over the weekend. thankfully, after much searching, gigi came back home and was found in a bush in the front yard on sunday morning. poor fellow. he’d been out in the rain and was soaked. but at least he’s safe now. :happy:

and sohei had monday off, due to the possibility of a hurricane. but it didn’t come here, and we had the best weather ever, so we took brumby to the park. there had been a cold front, and the sun was shining, and it was really windy. it was nice. and there were these kids there, and one of them ran around with brumby and went down the slide with him. the other kid was kind of afraid of him, though. it was very cute. i’m glad he likes kids so much, coz i was kind of afraid of having a dog that wouldn’t get along with zoe.

so it was a pretty lazy weekend. gamefly sent sohei tales of symphonia (i think that’s what it’s called) and we’ve been playing that constantly. and i’ve been playing harvest moon on my gba during the travel/fight bits. i don’t mind a weekend like that.

the water has been turned off every damn day this week. i’ve never lived somewhere where the water was out this much. it’s ridiculous. i feel like i’m in a third world country… there are a million things i need to do before juchan gets here, and i need water for almost all of them. i haven’t been able to do laundry all week thanks to having no water, so i desperately need to wash clothes. i also need to scrub the guest bathroom, take a shower, brush my teeth, and clean the casserole dish i need to make tonight’s meal. i’d like to know what the fuck they’re doing that the water has had to be off so fucking much. we were right in the middle of trying to wash brumby when the damn water went out again. i think we managed to rinse him off alright before it shut off entirely. didn’t really get to finish the job, though, so his snout is still a mess. what a pain in the ass.

edit: apparently, the morons that have been wrecking our driveways keep hitting the water mains. yeah, this is much better than having unsightly cracks in our driveways caused by tree roots. i’ve been forced awake way too early all week from the noise of trees being torn down and chipped and driveways being ripped up, as well as all the noisy fucking construction vehicles driving up and down the damn street. and now i find out that this useless waste of a project is also at fault for the water being off all week. i’m fucking fed up with this shit. i didn’t even want this project to go forward to begin with. i’d rather have trees than perfect driveways. who gives a shit if they’re cracked? as long as you can drive on them, i don’t see the problem. it’s a huge waste of money (hence the astronomical rise in fees this year, partly), and it’s also a pain in the fucking ass.

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

[music|apocalypse please - muse]

the worst day of my life happened a year ago today. i got up before dawn, went to the airport, bungled my way through security all alone, and spent most of the morning in a panic, hoping to reach her side before she passed. the minute the plane had touched down in atlanta, i had turned on my cell phone and called dad to ask if she were still there. then i waited some more for my next flight, still in a panic. i was so out of it that i didn’t even recognize my uncle, who was waiting for me at the airport in raleigh, while dad drove in circles, awaiting my arrival. after i hugged him, the first words out of my mouth were, “is she still alive?” she was when they left. so in the car, i greeted dad, then asked if we were going straight to the hospital. he said we were, and kind of briefed me on the situation. so i’d know what to expect.

it didn’t help.

i’ve already told the story, though. and i’m not up to telling it again today.

i miss you so much, mum. i can’t help it. i’m still so used to calling you on mondays that the day hasn’t completely lost its lonely, melancholy feeling since losing you. i know we’re essentially the same. i know you’re still technically here. but i miss jackie. i miss being hugged. and i keep remembering our last hug, and wishing i’d appreciated it more. i took for granted that i’d be able to hug you again. but that day, i’d had other things on my mind. once you and dad left and were on the road, i had a lot to do. i felt the sad emptiness i always felt when we had to part. so i can’t even say it was some kind of psychic thing. though i was told later that you’d cried in the car and said it felt like that was the last time you’d see me.

and almost exactly three months later, she was gone.

[music|if - gravity kills]

despite my best efforts to feel mopey this week, the world has other plans. no, i didn’t get the job i really wanted/needed, and the anniversary of mum’s death is tomorrow. and i keep having these weird feeling flashbacks to last year. this time last year, i spent the day praying (an act of desperation, sohei, i assure you) that mum would still be around by the time i got to nc. i feel incredibly stupid, in hindsight, that i waited an extra day to go so that i could attend the midterm review in my wednesday night class. (yeah, i got an ‘a’ in that class, but who gives a shit now? not me.) i spent the day worrying that mum was already gone. needless to say, i didn’t sleep well that night.

but, like i was saying, the world will not allow me to wallow in my misery. yesterday, i was named communication chairperson for the stewardship committee at church. i’m sure this doesn’t seem like a big deal to anyone, but i was honored. i spent most of the meeting thinking, “wow. they picked me. why would they pick a dumb kid like me? wait, i’m an adult now.” i had to keep reminding myself that i wasn’t a teenager anymore, and it was perfectly acceptable to placed in such a post. because i sure don’t feel like an adult most of the time. there are two people on my “team” (i don’t know what to call it… subcommittee?), and if sohei works for me, that’ll be three. my responsibilities are drafting the case statement for the church leadership (with lots of charts and graphs), designing the stewardship brochure (with lots of pictures), and writing summaries in our church newsletter. so far. and there are tons of events with important people, and i’m supposed to attend them.

i am overwhelmed with power.

seriously, though, i think this will be fun. and interesting. and like any situation where i’m given something important to do, i’m terrified of failing miserably. this time, however, i really believe i can do a good job. hopefully.

and i learned the church library’s database software really quickly. i think i got a lot done on that yesterday, before the meeting. so i know it isn’t all that important, but these activities make me feel like a useful human being again.

coz being told daily that everything i say is stupid, by sohei, hasn’t been great for my self esteem.

and, as if being a chairperson wasn’t enough, juchan called this morning and asked if it was okay to visit tomorrow. seeing as… and i said of course. so that will make the day a lot less depressing. and they’ve been kind of broke lately, so i promised to feed them a lot of awesome food. and sohei said we’d get some stuff to make drinks with. i can’t wait to see her… i just hope the hurricane doesn’t kill us all.

i do feel badly for dad, though. i mean, he won’t be alone tomorrow. but how much comfort is he going to get from his girlfriend on the anniversary of his wife’s death? i called him last night to see if he got in safely from his trip, and to tell him the good news about church. and he sounded really tired. i don’t know if it was because he’d just gotten home or if he was thinking about mum, too. but when i called, he was cleaning his cat, grace’s, crap off the dining room carpet. and i told sohei i bet he was thinking, “if jackie were still here, this would have been cleaned up before i got home from my trip.” but sohei didn’t agree that my dad thinks like that. well, that’s what i would have been thinking. then maybe feeling bad that mum had to clean up so many cat messes. at any rate, i think maybe yesterday was probably difficult for him. and i think tomorrow may be, too. poor dad.

and everyone has me worried about his girlfriend now. sohei thinks she’s a gold digger. coz she moved in with him so quickly and still doesn’t have a job. i’m not sure she cooks much or anything, either. it seems like dad still does most of the time. and she obviously doesn’t clean up after grace. and i’m not entirely sure, but i think maybe juchan thinks she’s a gold digger, too. i honestly didn’t think so. i didn’t want to think that, anyway. and i think it’s unfair to say that without even knowing her. but sohei says you don’t have to meet someone to know they’re a gold digger. i dunno. but i’ll be sure to call dad tomorrow.

anyway, i have to go do some housework and stuff.

Daily Kos: Dealing With Fitzmas

you know, this is funny, coz i was just telling sohei the other day that waiting for the investigation results was like the anticipation i feel before christmas. i know that it’s sick and it’s wrong, but i feel like doing the dance of joy™ every time i think about the karmic repercussions that may be ahead for some people that couldn’t deserve it more.

a year ago today, i woke up to my phone going off, with a vague feeling of dread. i was feeling a bit off anyway, due to waking earlier from a nightmare which left me in a panicked state for some time, before finally going back to a troubled sleep. (*this nightmare was one event of three that all happened around if not at the same time.) i answered, and it was dad. he tried to start out pleasantly, and i clung for a few seconds to a naive hope that nothing was wrong. then he told me mum had a stroke during the night, and she wasn’t going to be alive much longer. at the time, we thought she would be gone within a few hours.

i can’t even describe the overwhelming feeling of grief i experienced at that moment. after getting off the phone, i just slumped to the floor and sobbed til i couldn’t breathe. i wanted to die. i wanted everything to just stop. but it didn’t end. and the phone calls started. and i had to pretend that my life wasn’t over.

i spent the rest of the day trying to take my mind off things, but wondering constantly if she was still here. i drank a lot. i didn’t go to class. and i went to sleep hoping she’d miraculously be okay when i woke the next day.

(*everyone has speculated that i had my nightmare at the same time our cat, whiskers, died, which also happened at the same time mum had her stroke. if it wasn’t simultaneous, it was very close. in my nightmare, whiskers had run away from me and jumped in a lake, swimming right into the jaws of an alligator. it was snapping her up when i woke in a panic, feeling like something essential had been torn from me. i’ve been panicked after nightmares before, but i felt empty and in terrible pain all at once. it’s hard to describe.)

i just got an email informing me that someone else was picked for the job. i’m so glad i spent a day working on my resume, then spent a miserable saturday at the mall, wasting a bunch of money on clothes i couldn’t really afford and will seldom be able to wear. unless i get a job that pays pretty damn well by the end of the month, i won’t be going back to school next semester.

[music|lazybones - soul coughing]

there’s that feeling again. like something is going to happen. except that this time i can’t decide whether i’m excited again, or whether i’m dreading it. i think, considering the events of the past year, that’s incredibly fair.

and i can’t tell whether brumby has just peed on the floor again, or whether it’s old mess. i’m out of anything to clean it with, anyway. so it’s moot, i guess. oh, the joys of pet ownership.

i do love my babies, though, seriously.

sohei compared my writing to the fake miers blog. i’m not too pleased about that, since it’s a damn lie.

that gold digger song is pretty good.

do you know how far away i’m going to be if we move to michigan? pretty far from beloved st. pete, but a lot closer to the safe haven of canada. what’s safe anymore? who knows? not me. there are cute places to live there, where we might be going. i’ve never been to michigan, even though it’s close to iowa. i suppose this means i could be seeing a lot more of my extended family while seeing a lot less of the immediate lot.

oh, what the hell are we doing?

and i don’t even know about poor zoe anymore. little zoey joey, who doesn’t stand a chance.

so quit pressuring me all the time, people. do everything now, you say. or life will go badly, you say. give me tons of money then, bitches, i say. coz that’s the only way any of it will get done.

who cares, though? the world is apparently ending anyway.

for people like sohei, that don’t believe that weight discrimination has anything to do with getting a job:

article one

article two

hell, just read a few random postings from their discrimination archive. this site is pretty good, too.

[music|the bed's too big without you - the police]

this song reminds me of the night i moved in with chris. it came on while we were driving to his apartment. i was incredibly excited to finally be leaving home, but also a little upset about the fight that provoked my leaving. and, being the stubborn bastard i am, i did not move back home, despite the fact that i finally started getting along with my parents again. so this song kind of stirs up all these thoughts in me.

even though it was eight years ago this month that it happened, it doesn’t seem that far away.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF – The Survey
Name:	sarah, gish, gishfeiticeira, jane lane, viva nova, samsara
Birthday:	august 21, 1979
Birthplace:	ames, iowa
Current Location:	st. petersburg, florida
Eye Color:	blue
Hair Color:	red or nondescript
Height:	5′ 3 1/2″
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	american mutt (danish, english, polish-jewish, etc.)
The Shoes You Wore Today:	mum’s wooden sandals
Your Weakness:	sweets and musicians
Your Fears:	pain and losing people i love
Your Perfect Pizza:	extra cheese, sausage, onion, green peppers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	i think i’ve achieved enough this year, thanks
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	tsk
Thoughts First Waking Up:	it’s already noon. guess i should get up.
Your Best Physical Feature:	eyes
Your Bedtime:	varies, but usually around 1 am
Your Most Missed Memory:	memories of mum
Pepsi or Coke:	coke (mountain dew, really)
MacDonalds or Burger King:	hmmm… sonic.
Single or Group Dates:	single, i guess
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	dunno.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	both
Cappuccino or Coffee:	caramel frappuccino
Do you Smoke:	sometimes
Do you Swear:	all the fuckin’ time
Do you Sing:	of course
Do you Shower Daily:	sometimes twice daily coz i’m a freak
Have you Been in Love:	i sure have
Do you want to go to College:	i’m there. been there for EVER
Do you want to get Married:	already am
Do you belive in yourself:	i guess
Do you get Motion Sickness:	rarely
Do you think you are Attractive:	most of the time
Are you a Health Freak:	not really
Do you get along with your Parents:	mostly
Do you like Thunderstorms:	i love them
Do you play an Instrument:	not really, but i’m trying to learn bass guitar. still.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	quite a bit
In the past month have you Smoked:	no, but i sure want to
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	well, i guess it was a date…
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	too many times
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no. sob.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	i sure haven’t
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:	never have been
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	i don’t think so…
Ever been Drunk:	of course
Ever been called a Tease:	back in the day…
Ever been Beaten up:	nope
Ever Shoplifted:	yep
How do you want to Die:	umm… being crushed by an elephant while having sex with kevin ogilvie or jim marcus?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i don’t plan on growing up
What country would you most like to Visit:	japan
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	brown/any
Favourite Hair Color:	black/dark or unnatural
Short or Long Hair:	short/short
Height:	taller than me/about my height or shorter than me
Weight:	skinny/chubby
Best Clothing Style:	punky or gothy for both
Number of Drugs I have taken:	hopefully not many; too many people use them to avoid real life. (though smoking some pot once in awhile isn’t terrible.)
Number of CDs I own:	tons, and they’d better be good
Number of Piercings:	some would be nice. lip, nose, and eyebrow are prolly my favorites.
Number of Tattoos:	any, as long as they look good.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	nothing. living in the past is useless. and, often, boring as hell.
CREATE YOUR OWN! – or – GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You’re a great thinker and a true philosopher. You’d make a talented professor or writer.

i’m sure i’ve done this before, but i was curious how my beliefs have changed. i don’t know why christianity is so high on the list, considering my lack of belief in god or god incarnations (jesus). maybe it has to do with my contemporary beliefs or something. aside from that, i’m not surprised by much of the list, i guess.

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%) 2. Mahayana Buddhism (94%) 3. Neo-Pagan (89%) 4. New Age (83%) 5. Liberal Quakers (82%) 6. Theravada Buddhism (82%) 7. Hinduism (75%) 8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (74%) 9. New Thought (70%) 10. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (70%) 11. Taoism (67%) 12. Scientology (57%) 13. Jainism (56%) 14. Sikhism (55%) 15. Secular Humanism (52%) 16. Baha’i Faith (47%) 17. Reform Judaism (41%) 18. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (35%) 19. Orthodox Quaker (34%) 20. Nontheist (31%) 21. Jehovah’s Witness (26%) 22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (25%) 23. Orthodox Judaism (22%) 24. Seventh Day Adventist (14%) 25. Eastern Orthodox (12%) 26. Islam (12%) 27. Roman Catholic (12%)

[radio|radioactivity - wmnf 88.5]

i don’t update much lately, huh?

on saturday, sohei and i volunteered at the earth charter summit. we handed out parking passes, gave directions, etc. it was neat being back at my old school. and rob lorei walked by and i waved, but i was too lame to say anything, like how i love his show. (which i happen to be listening to now.) and after he went into the building, i shouted across the intersection where sohei was stationed, and hopped up and down and mouthed, “i just saw rob lorei!” which confused him at first. but then he laughed and shouted, “are you trying to say you just met rob?” and i nodded, laughing behind my sign. because i’m a total mark. then we got to go in and listen to him talk for a few minutes, and he did a good job. then we listened to the keynote speech by ron hill, which was super awesome. he was very funny, and i don’t think enough people laughed at him. i wanted to tell him i thought he was hilarious, but then i couldn’t find him. so we ate lunch and ended up volunteering for more church activites. then we left to let poor brumby out.

then on sunday, sohei and i joined our local unitarian universalist church. there was a nice ceremony and everything. only one person from the classes joined with us, though. there were a couple of other people, too. and then there was cake. w00t. but really, it’s a great church, and i’m glad to be part of it.

and i was talking to juchan last night, and apparently dad was telling her about his girlfriend. she’s a major fundamentalist. :shocked: as in: no santa claus, no halloween, etc. she’s going to think i’m satan. :cry: i’m not sure whether mum told dad that i’m bi, but if he doesn’t know, i’m sure as hell not telling him. coz then i’m sure his g/f will find out and really hate me. bloody hell. i’m hoping i’ll be relieved when i meet her, but who knows? also, if she’s so religious, why is she living with dad? :confused:

oh, and on the show i’m listening to, this guy is saying cjd (mad cow) is often being confused with alzheimer’s. my dad, as a usda employee, says that cjd is under control in this country, but i keep hearing differently elsewhere. his own father is dying from “alzheimer’s.” isn’t it rather ironic that it’s my dad’s job to rid the country of animal-bourne disease, and his father could be dying of one? i just sent sohei an email saying i’m never eating beef again. in fact, i really want to be a vegetarian, and have for a long time, but sohei will not go without meat. i can feel my brain deteriorating already…

You Are Changing Leaves

Pretty, but soon dead.

that was creepy.

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off “weird” well – hardly anyone notices.

here are the pics of my baby dog, as promised. he’s 12 weeks old. (born 7/13)

(with beloved toy, rufus.)

Salon.com Books | Girls gone wild:

The picture that Levy paints is more than a little grim: raunch culture, which is essentially misogynist, callow, simplistic and ubiquitous, breeds women-hating-women who angle for power with men and propagate more raunch under the deceitful guise of feminist empowerment.

this is a topic i’ve been meaning to write about for a while, but haven’t had the time or inclination. after reading this article, which sohei pointed out to me at lunch, i finally feel inspired to talk about it. is the new female “raunch culture” really a form of women’s liberation? are we showing how empowered we’ve become? or have we been tricked into this behavior by a capitalist society mainly run by men? is “girl power” all about the freedom to run around in skimpy outfits and act as boorish as men have been for ages? it’s a bit tricky.

Levy goes further. “In this new formulation of raunch feminism, stripping is as valuable to elevating womankind as gaining an education or supporting rape victims,” she writes. “Throwing a party where women grind against each other in their underwear while fully clothed men watch them is suddenly part of the same project as marching on Washington for reproductive rights.” This unlikely feat is possible because in 2005, there’s no consensus on what feminism, or a feminist, is — there are S/M feminists, radical lesbian feminists, NOW and Planned Parenthood feminists, even some pro-lifers who call themselves feminists. While the big-tent approach to feminism has created space for everyone, it has also allowed for conservatism, exploitation and commercialism to pollute women’s hard-won gains.

i do think, regarding raunch feminism, that commercialism has intruded as it has in almost every other culture, and polluted something that could improve so many lives. as a fat chick, i can tell you, there are a multitude of conflicting ideas on what being a strong woman is about. i’m supposed to be proud of my body, and love it no matter what. but at the same time, i’m constantly inundated with images of women that i could never hope to look like in a million years, and told to look that way or suffer. (frankly, i don’t like the stick look, and typically have no desire to look like that.) so, on a daily basis, i’m encouraged to love myself for who i am, then told in the next breath that i could stand to lose 100 lbs. that if i don’t wear skimpy clothing, i’m boring, and setting back the women’s movement, but if i do wear it, i’m surely disgusting the populace with my unsightly body and, of course, setting back the women’s movement. so what’s a girl to do? aside from occasionally fantasizing about going on killing sprees, and banging her head on her desk in frustration?

oh, did you want an answer? i certainly don’t have one. if you come up with something, though, do let me know.

thanks to the bipolar society i live in, i have some personal thoughts on the matter. this doesn’t mean you have to agree with me. but, as of this moment, this is what i think about all of this:

a woman should be proud of her body. this does not have to mean she should become a stripper or dress like a skank. you can be proud of your body without becomming an object for men to drool all over. i can see how some women would equate this attention with having control over a man, or allowing them to be on the same level as a man. but you aren’t really on the same level, are you? or better? does a man have to behave this way to get your respect? not typically. so should a woman have to do this? besides, just because a man is ogling you doesn’t mean you have his respect. yes, you’ve reduced him to a slavering idiot, which admittedly can feel good or empowering. but what are you getting out of it? he might spend money on you, or act like like he cares about what you say. but all he really cares about is your body. and once you’ve had sex with him, chances are you won’t be hearing from him — or getting any money out of him — again. (just ask a stripper.) i guess if you’re okay with someone being primarily focused on your looks, that’s your business. but don’t fool yourself into thinking it makes you some kind of feminist. any power you have over a man in this way is purely superficial. it’s pretty sad if a woman believes that the only way she can level the playing field is by taking her clothes off. unless we prove to men that there’s more to us than perfect face, tits, and ass, we’re never going to get anywhere. flashing your tits to millions of people in exchange for a free t-shirt doesn’t empower you. it makes you into a (really cheap) object. the guys watching girls gone wild don’t care about your personality. they don’t care about who you are, as a human being. you’ve just become something for them to jack off to, or joke with their buddies about. to them, you’re just another dumb slut, and you’re making the rest of us look bad, so cut it out.

and this treachery and sabotage women practice on one another has to stop, too. again, this smacks of yet more victimization at the hands of a capitalist, patriarchal society. why do we do this to each other? fighting over men? always trying to show everyone else up? and the gossip… telling your friends that jane is a slut, then going out to a bar in your undies and drunkenly hitting on her boyfriend? then making out with a bunch of other girls in a sad effort to attract attention and maybe hook up with some other drunken loser? what the fuck, ladies? it makes me wonder about the world we live in when women can only feel good about themselves by getting men to ogle them or by making other women feel like shit. why are we constantly forced to compete with each other, or made to feel that we have no other choice? why do we buy into this? we need to band together and prove that our self esteem goes beyond “winning” a man or fitting into a size 0. enough with the back-stabbing.

we don’t need to act like whores or take on men’s worst personality traits to get ahead. if things are that way now, it’s because we’ve allowed it to happen. if we refuse to go that route, men will be forced to appreciate us for the same qualities in which they are judged. you should get a job because you’re smart, confident, and qualified, not because your outfit enhances your physical assets. yeah, it’s our bodies that set us apart from men. we have things they don’t, which is part of the mystique that has attracted men to us from time immemorial. but we’re not neanderthals anymore. while some of us may be mentally stuck in that period, it’s really time we moved on.

so enough of just shrugging and saying, “that’s the way it is.” it doesn’t have to be that way. quit fighting your sisters, and start fighting the society that’s trying to make you into an object, and trying to hold you down. don’t just accept what the media is selling as the perfect woman. if you happen to be hot, great. and you should be allowed to wear whatever you like. or be anything you want, even if that means being a stripper or porn star. but at least realize why you want to do these things, and be honest about it. if you’re dressing to impress men, don’t claim it’s about “girl power” or something. we already have the right to pretty much wear whatever we want, so it’s not like you’re taking the fight to the streets when you wear daisy dukes. if you’re wearing them because you happen to like them, fine. wear things that make you look good for yourself, not to make men hot or other women jealous. it’s not really furthering the cause, otherwise…

or maybe you don’t care about feminism at all. if you’re a woman, then you’re kind of shooting yourself in the foot, as far as that goes. but i’m not going to force it on anyone. just understand that the brand of feminism that’s being sold right now is the brainchild of a rich, white, out-of-touch man. sure, there a
re some female executives taking part in this, too. but, as far as i’m concerned, they’re just selling out their own.

we’re all in this together, ladies. it’s time to put the pasties and knives away, and focus on the real issues facing women. and i’m betting you won’t find any answers in cosmo.

Yet as Levy points out, being the exception that proves the rule — the girl who gets raunch, who laughs at Howard Stern — just means the rules are still intact. As long as “acting like a man” is valued, acting like a woman will be devalued. And regardless of how you understand gender, being a woman — having breasts, bleeding once a month — will be a handicap.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can’t make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you’ve likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

You Are Japanese Food

Strange yet delicious. Contrary to popular belief, you’re not always eaten raw.

You Are Balanced – Skeptic – Empowered

You feel your life is controlled both externally and internally. You have a good sense of what you can control and what you should let go. Depending on the situation, you sometimes try to exert more control. Other times, you accept things for what they are and go with the flow. You are a total skeptic when it comes to luck. You believe that people use luck as a crutch to avoid responsibility. You control your own destiny. The universe has nothing to do with it. You believe everything can be explained – and you tend to over analyze situations. You have a good deal of power, but you also know the pecking order. You realize that working the system does get you further. You know who to defer to and who to control. When it comes to the game of life, you play things flawlessly.

[music|feel good, inc. - gorillaz]

blogger is being a pain in the ass about publishing today…

and when will i quit having all these nightmares?

actually, i was in the midst of a lovely sex dream this morning (the only good dream i’ve had in what seems like weeks) when sohei woke me to remind me that brumby needed walking.

and i finally got my diploma today.

meh, i’m still sick. i’ve had a cold for a week now, which is weird coz i usually get about one a year, and i just had one in august…

anyway, i guess the interview went okay. don’t know. i took my ring out, and the hole didn’t seal over this time. w00t. and i wore my lucky underwear, and i think i looked pretty nice. sohei took my picture before we left, and i’ll post it later. with pics of brumby. the pic isn’t great coz my hair was still kind of wet, so it looks flat.

yeah, so. i’ll find out in a couple weeks whether i got the job. i need a drink.

[music|with or without you - u2]

it is still driving me crazy that my page looks bloody awful in anything other than explorer. i’m too tired/lazy/busy to fix it, though. and juchan’s page is in desperate need of fixing as well. however, i need to figure out what’s wrong with my page, so i know what to do about hers. if anyone’s feeling particularly bored/generous, please tell me how to make my page look, in firefox, how it looks in explorer? unless it would take you forever, in which case, never mind. in the meantime, just view my page in explorer, coz it’s a total embarrassment otherwise. also, i can’t get the music rss thingy to get rid of the spaces between the lines.

i am so braindead lately. i blame school, and brumby for waking us before 7 a.m. every morning.

[tv|ignoring]

guess who has an interview on monday? it’s for that online librarian job. i am both nervous and excited. i need this so badly. my interview skills suck, though. i don’t do “confident.” still, it’s certainly worth a try. i wonder how many people i’m up against… i need to get a haircut, dye my hair, and get a decent interview outfit. and a lip ring i can take in and out a little easier. sohei says i should just wear this one outfit i have, but that was an outfit i wore to try for secretarial work. unsuccessfully, i might add. this is a real job, and i want a more business-type outfit. but we all know how he is about shelling out money for clothes. (still no white bra. still wearing jeans with gaping holes in both knees. etc.)

anyway, things are going well with brumby. he’s so well behaved — for the most part — and friendly and adorable. we took him for a walk last night, and he kept up pretty well. he’s definitely harder to take care of than neko, but it’s also so fun to take him places.

as usual lately, i haven’t much time to post. i have a big assignment due by saturday, and to complete it, i have to go to two different kinds of libraries, and hang out at the reference desk and take notes on some stuff. then write a paper about it. so i have to go get ready coz tonight i’m going to the local library. and tomorrow night, i’m going to the stetson law library. w00t.

we drove all the way to orlando yesterday and got our mini schnauzer. he was the only one left when we got there, and he was also the biggest, apparently. we named him brumby. i took him to juchan’s house, and everyone thought he was cute. he’s a bit of a handful, tho, so i can’t write much more. full story and pics to follow. when i finally have time. :wink:

[tv|ignoring]

part of what started today’s racial diatribe was a result of a conversation at uu101 on thursday. (which i haven’t talked about yet, but prolly will.) one of the guys was talking about how pissed off he was at this article. which is what i was getting at when i was referring to liberal self-righteous fury. you already know how i feel about the subject, but wanted to share this with you, anyway.

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Sister Machine Gun of Enlightened Compassion.

Get yours.

[tv|ego trip's race-o-rama: in race we lust - vh1]

gah, why does race have to be such a big deal?? i’ve been watching the above show, and it’s kind of depressing. and when i first saw a picture of dad’s girlfriend, the first thing i thought was, “wow, she’s really cute! how did dad manage to end up with someone that good-looking?” which was then followed by, “ya know, i hope no one gives them any trouble.” i do think they’ll be okay. it seems like most racist people just keep it to themselves nowadays. mostly.

just watching these shows and the depictions of different races on tv throughout time, though, makes me wince. it’s a difficult line to walk, in some ways. on the one hand, it would be nice if people could see beyond color and stereotypes. on the other, if everyone were “colorless” they’d miss out on their history and heritage. and while you have your crazy kkk racists, you have your liberal apologists, which can be embarrassing, too. let’s face it, most white people have no idea what it’s like to be black. or of any other race for that matter. so to claim something like that just sounds ignorant. also, in my case, my family is — with the exception of my nana’s grandmother — completely european. english, danish, and polish-jewish. and we didn’t arrive in this country til the 20th century, none of us in the south. so i doubt we owned slaves. but, as sohei will point out, white people are the cause of a lot of problems, in a lot of places, throughout history. we’re evil, he says. so i’m sure there are some atrocities lingering in my family’s past. i don’t like when people use generalities, but i can’t get all defensive and offended when another race feels disenfranchised due to something my race did. i am not my race, and there’s more to me than that. but that goes for everyone. i just think it’s funny when left-leaning people get all bent out of shape when a black person makes fun of or accuses them of something. because they’re “more enlightened” somehow. i will repeat that i think generalizing is pretty much crap. still, you see that so much these days. “i’m pissed that you’re calling me racist, or prejudiced, because i never did anything to you.” that’s an understandable sentiment. but it’s completely possible that you did something to this person indirectly. like getting into college, getting a job, or even getting a much sought-after house or apartment, in their place. because you’re white. no, it wasn’t your choice. and you can’t help that you were born white. but in this society, whether you want to admit it or not, being white gives you a definite advantage. i know that pisses a lot of people off. there are a lot of people that insist that there’s no more racism in the good ol’ u.s. of a. sorry, but that’s a damn lie. and if it upsets you that much to hear, and you’re in such denial, then you’re a little disconnected from reality, maybe.

i saw this a lot in the aftermath of katrina. people would insist that it wasn’t a race issue. bull. shit. no, the hurricane didn’t choose to “attack” poor black people. (by the way, if you’re one of the people that chose to refute my statement with that, in any number of arguments i had after the disaster, you’re an idiot.) but our government chose to ignore them.

“What I’m hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them.” –Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on the hurricane evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 5, 2005

“You simply get chills every time you see these poor individuals…many of these people, almost all of them that we see are so poor and they are so black, and this is going to raise lots of questions for people who are watching this story unfold.” –CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, on New Orleans’ hurricane evacuees, Sept. 1, 2005

(i was chatting with juchan on aim when i saw him say this, firsthand, and i remember juchan saying, “wtf?? is he going to get fired for that?” no, he just said something stupid. and if you could get fired for that, bush wouldn’t be president anymore.)

“We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn’t do it, but God did.” –Rep. Richard Baker (R-LA) to lobbyists, as quoted in the Wall Street Journal

“But I really didn’t hear that at all today. People came up to me all day long and said ‘God bless your son,’ people of different races and it was very, very moving and touching, and they felt like when he flew over that it made all the difference in their lives, so I just don’t hear that.” –Former First Lady Barbara Bush to CNN’s Larry King, after King asked her how she felt when people said that her son “doesn’t care” about race, Sept. 5, 2005

“A young [black] man walks through chest deep floodwater after looting a grocery store in New Orleans…”
“Two [white] residents wade through chest-deep water after finding bread and soda from a local grocery store after Hurricane Katrina came through the area in New Orleans…” –captions at Yahoo News, Aug. 30, 2005

we, as a country, won’t be able to eradicate racism until we’re willing to admit that it’s a problem. until then, we’ll keep walking around with our eyes shut, fingers in our ears, getting pissed off when someone dares to point out how unfair the status quo is. and nothing will ever change because “there’s no problem.”

[music|once i flew - white town]

we’ve called just about everyone with ads for scotties and mini schnauzers, and they’re all either a) too expensive b) too old or c) sold out. and, mind you, the search has gone state-wide. and we still visit the spca often, of course. we went last night, and there were no small dogs available at all, and only four puppies, all of which were pit bulls. so, obviously, i’m just going to have to be patient. and we all know how great i am at that…

and last night i overheard some of sohei’s conversation with his dad. he was telling him about the puppy search, and his dad was surprised, coz he thinks i don’t like dogs. (he thinks this coz his german shepard terrifies the hell out of me on a regular basis, what with his being gigantic and jumpy and snappy and all. i do like fritz, too, he’s just crazyscary.) and sohei says, “well, she doesn’t ask for much, so i figure if she wants a puppy, she should have one.” i can’t tell you how much hearing that has meant to me. i don’t even really know why. i guess i assume he thinks i’m some kind of burden most of the time — which is prolly more of a father issue than husband issue — so i was just really touched to hear that. i mean, i don’t ask for much. but for him to say so made me really happy. :blush:

then the other day, we were watching food network, and sohei asks, “why don’t you ever cook paula deen’s recipes?” and i said that i did, but if i did that regularly, i’d look like paula. and did he want that? (not that she isn’t a pretty lady, coz she is. but she also prolly outweighs me by 30ish lbs. and considering i’m about 50 lbs overweight as it is… well.) he shrugged and said, “well it’s not like you’re going to be young forever. who cares what you weigh? i just want to eat well.” i suppose you could take this one of two ways, but i decided to take it in a good way. at least he’s realistic, right? :lol: sohei’s priorities: 1) good food 2) hot thin wife.

i complain about him sometimes, but he can be a great guy. and when i’m not mad at him, i can see where he’s coming from a lot. and though he doesn’t say so, i know he’s the same way. he really has been working on his temper, which i’m really glad about, obviously. and though i’m still annoyed about his not helping me out with my resume, i know why he did that. he honestly thinks that if i’m forced to do it myself, i’ll learn how. i still don’t agree, though. i’m obviously not learning anything, and i’m totally stuck. and i never heard back about an interview, so i’m thinking i failed again. but i don’t think he’s trying to sabotage me. i think he honestly believes i’ll learn from this. unfortunately, i’m no closer to a decent resume or a job, but if i ever get there, at least i’ll know i did it myself. no great comfort, however, because right now i have no way to pay for school next semester. which could be a problem, coz i have to finish asap, since it’s looking like we may be going out of state for his law school adventure. and there’s no way i can pay out of state tuition.

but i guess i should talk about that, since he’s not going to. he got an offer from the university of michigan. (which is ranked #8 law school in the country.) the letter he got said they’d love (underlined in blue ink) for him to apply, and eagerly await his application. :ooh: his dad and i are mightily impressed. he’s going to apply to about five schools, and i’ve picked a few for him. if i get my way, he’ll be applying to: university of chicago, university of michigan, duke, georgetown, and university of florida. (uf being his “safety school.”) i like northwestern, too, but we’re trying to limit the list to five. at first, we thought georgetown was a pipe dream, but after getting that letter from michigan (which is higher on the list) we figured he might as well just go for it.

i’m so proud of him. after mum died, he didn’t feel motivated to study for the lsat anymore. the exam was in december, less than two months after her death, and he didn’t want to take the test. he was dragging his feet right up until test day. but i told him, my sister and i were still going to school, and if we could do that he could take the test. so he did. and he got an awesome score. i’m sure mum would’ve been proud of him, too. (i do have to wonder what he might have scored if he’d studied more and wasn’t so depressed, but it doesn’t matter now.) i just wish he’d enjoy the process. to me, this is incredibly exciting. i look forward to seeing what other offers come in, and where we end up. he’s stressed about having to move and starting school again. and i’m a little stressed about being able to finish my library degree. but, overall, i can’t wait to see what’s going to happen next.

life can be exciting sometimes, ne?

[tv|everyday italian - food network]

still no luck regarding the puppy search. we’re assuming the woman sohei called will never get back to us… so we started looking state-wide last night. we’re pretty set on a scottish terrier puppy now. sohei found an ad from somewhere around ocala (i think) that seems kind of promising. another option is the schnauzer, of course. i think they’re so cute. :love: there’s a local ad for one at a decent price, but it doesn’t seem like sohei likes them as much as scotties, so i’ve been afraid to call. besides, apparently it makes me seem wishy-washy. i just don’t think we’re going to find a scottie for the price he wants to pay. and the schnauzer isn’t “second best” to me, coz i think they’re neat, too. but sohei thinks it means i’m settling. meh. i wish i could be more decisive…

[tv|ignoring]

everyone is stupid.

tell them i hate them.

[radio|democracy now]

…$1200??

we spent all weekend looking for a dog. we’ve been wanting a dog for a while, but decided to wait and see if we still wanted one later. well, we do. the idea of fostering a katrina victim animal kind of set things in motion. we didn’t get to foster an animal, as i’m sure i’ve mentioned. so we’ve been visiting the local spca. a lot. we found a dog we really liked on friday night. she’s a golden retreiver/chow mix. she looked so much like a fox, with reddish fur and tufts on the side of her face. the name on her cage was lexie, but we called her kitsune instead, which is japanese for fox. though as we discussed her throughout the evening, we shortened it to kitsu. we didn’t adopt her right away coz we kind of wanted a puppy, and we weren’t sure she was the right size. our condo association won’t allow us to have a dog over 18 inches tall. (no weight limit, though.) we went back on saturday, and she was still there. they let her out and we pet her and stuff, and asked the woman whether she thought, at 11 months, kitsu would get much bigger. she didn’t know. but it didn’t matter coz kitsu was over 20 inches. we had really been hoping we’d be able to adopt her, but we couldn’t risk bringing her home, only to have to give her up when the condo association decided to be nazis. so we left, and spent the rest of the weekend looking around.

this past weekend was supposed to be petsmart’s annual adoption weekend, so i called the four nearest stores to ask about the event. two of them said there would be puppies, and the other two said they would only have greyhounds. so i went to the first store and there wasn’t one puppy there. the next day, we drove all the way to the north of the county, and the people scheduled to be offering animals didn’t show. which pissed me off to no end. mostly because it was one of those operations out of someone’s home, and we haven’t been having a lot of luck with those people. these people keep all these animals at their houses, and foster out a few as well, i guess. they all want you to submit an application, to start with. then, they come and look at your house. that’s okay, coz i wouldn’t want an animal to end up in a bad home. but then they charge you way too much to adopt the animal (non-refundable, of course), and make you sign a contract which gives them the right to come back and inspect your home at any time they choose, however many times they like. um, no. i don’t mind the initial inspection. i might not even mind them coming back after a few months to see how the animal is getting along. but there’s no way i’m going to allow people i don’t even know to just come over any damn time they feel like, with little or no warning. not to mention, the terms of the contracts i saw are often so vague, it seems like they could take your animal back at any time, without a concrete reason. i’m sorry, but once you’ve found me worthy of owning the animal, and i shell out $300 for it, the animal is mine. especially since i won’t be getting any of my money back. and that’s another thing. what if neko and the dog don’t get along? neko was here first, so the dog would have to go. if i return the dog, they will be able to get the fee from whoever adopts it next. so why can’t we get our money back? we don’t have $300 to just throw around. and when one of these “organizations” is supposed to show up to an event that could help them to adopt out their animals to good homes, and they blow it off, it looks bad. it really seems like these places don’t want their animals adopted at all. and it’s really frustrating when you want a pet, presumably helping the animal in some way by giving it a good home, and it’s a huge pain, with obstacle after obstacle.

so we still haven’t found a dog. we’ve been to the spca and humane society so many times. there are never any puppies (aside from pit bulls – no.), which i’m totally willing to overlook. but there are no small dogs, either, and we aren’t allowed to have a large dog. and i’m not even going to bother with those smaller organizations, coz i’m not entirely sure of their real motives. so then we figured, the spca doesn’t need us to adopt a dog from them, since they obviously have no trouble finding them homes. (kitsu was gone when we went back on sunday.) so then we started looking at stores, to see what breeds we like. we were hoping to get a mutt from the pound, coz we aren’t really purebreed people. but there weren’t even any mutts available in the classified section of the paper. after looking around, we figured we were most interested in scottish terriers (we knew that already), mini schnauzers, and shiba inus. and these dogs ranged in price from $500-1200. and we didn’t want to buy from pet shops anyway, since most of the dogs they sell are from puppy mills. so we looked through the classifieds again, even though i’ve read that “backyard breeders” are not the best place to get a dog from. but we don’t have $1000 to spend. so.

we found some scotties advertised at $250. this was the lowest price i’d seen. so i wrote down the number for sohei to call today. i’m glad i got the number coz the ad isn’t there anymore. i’m hoping she just paid for a week’s ad, and that the puppies aren’t gone. i’m also hoping the puppies, if still there, are healthy, and that sohei may be able to talk the price down a bit, since he’s not willing to pay more than $150-200 for a dog. frankly, if the puppies are still there, i’m a little worried they may be sickly or something, considering the low price. of course, we can’t afford a full-priced dog, anyway. i’m not entirely sure we could afford the dog for its current price. mind you, this is because after buying the dog, there are still tons of supplies to buy as well as food. we could spend $500 on a dog, but there wouldn’t be a lot left over for supplies or medical costs.

anyway, it may be moot. sohei called a couple times and got her machine, so we don’t know whether the puppies are still there. i assume she’s at work, and i’m hoping we can reach her sometime this evening. i want a puppy sooo badly. it just doesn’t seem to be working out so far. the biggest problem is that they’re so expensive. i seriously wouldn’t mind having a mutt, but there are none to be had. everyone claims their dogs are purebreed and want an average of $800 for them. i’m not kidding. and i seriously doubt these dogs are purebred anyway. not that i care, but i’m not paying that much for what is essentially a mutt. sorry. i guess, to be positive, the spay/neuter program must be working out pretty well, coz there doesn’t seem to be such a thing as a mutt anymore, and finding a puppy is nearly impossible. i’m seriously beginning to think that we’re just not meant to have a dog…

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
– Take the Personality Disorder Test – – Personality Disorder Info –

so i’m schizotypal, avoidant, and rather dependent. w00t. no real surprises there.

[music|little dudes - pee shy]

i fixed the format again, as you can see.

anyway, last night’s uu101 meeting was neat. sohei actually looks forward to going. too bad he can’t look forward to going to church as well. :nyah: i still have a lot of questions, but i have a feeling they’ll be answered at the next meeting.

and, since i was starving, i cheated like mad on my diet last night. last week, they had south beach-friendly snacks, so i just figured i’d eat when i got there. this week, though, there were only cookies. so i ate cookies. then we went to mcdonalds for dinner, and instead of ordering a salad, i ate a cheeseburger and chicken nuggets. i didn’t drink any soda, though. :blush: see, on south beach, the first two weeks are really strict. and if you cheat, you’re supposed to start over again. well, my two weeks are up on monday. and if you think i’m starting over again, you’re crazy. besides, the whole point of phase one is to detox, get rid of cravings, and take off water weight. i did detox and lose my water weight. i lost ten pounds in a week, as of monday. but then i abruptly quit losing weight, because my body thinks i’m starving it. i know my body, especially as it relates to diets, and when i stop losing weight, i actually have to take in more calories to start losing again. so my metabolism starts working again and all. and i never get rid of cravings, no matter what. feh.

i still think diets are stupid. i felt so much better when i was exercising every day. on phase one, i’m too weak and tired to work out at all. it even says in the book not to work out during phase one. yeah, that’s healthy. but i do it anyway, because being fat isn’t “acceptable.” and while i don’t usually care what society thinks, i get really sick of everyone telling me to lose weight. and, frankly, as much as i like my body the way it is, i don’t like all that stuff under my chin. booty = okay, double chin = not okay. it’s not even like i want to be thin. i just want to be back at the weight i spent most of my life at. which is still considered overweight, but i don’t care. it really would be easier, too, if everyone would just fuck off about it. the more people harp on it, the less i want to bother. paradoxical, yeah, but the whole thing is stupid, so who gives a fuck?

Broken Toys – UBIQ AND I ARE GOING TO HELL.

currently watching: videos on vh1. then food network, coz they started repeating the damned videos.

i’ve discovered the thingy on blogger that allows you to put the same thing in each post. formatting. thingy. you know. that’s what that is, up there.

and the thing is, i’m not too into that many people. but they’re all flawed. i mean, everyone is flawed. but i think liking musicians, mostly, has a lot to do with that. what a strange lot of people they are. for the most part. and my latest sex interest is jim marcus of die warzau coz he’s really, really smart, as well as talented and hot. as far as i can tell, he’s not a junkie, like al and ogre or ohgr or kevin or whatever. but i do think he’s a sex fiend. which is okay, as far as flaws go, i guess. it seems like we’re all addicted to something. though sex can kill, too. but i don’t know that he’s a sex fiend. what with not knowing him personally. but i suspect that may be the case. or he’s just really funny, on top of being all those other things. (and i still don’t believe he’s actually into goats. i know that was a joke, fuckers.)

i do think it’s good i met sohei so young. coz if left to my own devices nowadays, i’d prolly end up with a kiddie fiddler or serial killer or something equally terrible. my taste in people sucks that way. i seem to have gotten lucky, though. not that sohei isn’t flawed, but he isn’t a junkie or sex fiend. or kiddie fiddler or serial killer.

just really cranky or whatever.

all i consciously like is skinny boys with big, brown eyes that can work the eyeliner. (i only got sohei to wear liner, like, once. i think he was prolly incredibly high, but who knows? not me.) oh, and they have to be really smart, and literary, and musically talented, and not ashamed of going to museums and liking it. but they can’t brag about liking museums, coz that’s just snobby, and i hate that. (no bragging at all, actually, please.) you can be smart all you like, but don’t be an ass about it. and being nice to my family is important, as well as liking your own. i used to have mum-related specific rules, but i’m not going to dwell on it. and being sensitive and compassionate is important, too. you can be sensitive without being a pussy, and if you don’t think that’s possible, then you’re an idiot and there’s no hope for you. in regards to me, anyway. fuck you. and, in this vein, a buddhist outlook is a plus. like zen/mahayana. laid back, pacifist, enlightened, etc. and, call me boring, but monogamy is a must. (sorry, jim.) i may be old-fashioned, but nothing turns me off more than being given an std. (i’m assuming.) so don’t be a slut. cheating isn’t on, sorry. and you just get the one strike. besides, good luck keeping up with me. you don’t need to look elsewhere. :wink: and while i can put up with some artistic dysfunction, i don’t think i can handle anything too hardcore. i.e. drug addiction, violent behavior, sexual weirdness, etc. (and, by that, i mean animals, children, poo, or whatever other outright bizarre things some strange fellow may be interested in.) and respect. there must be respect. i suppose all of this goes for a girl, too, but i prefer some curves and a booty on her, rather than the very skinny i like in guys.

now i’m just getting incoherent, if i wasn’t already. but my point is, in the huge list of things i want in people, nowhere does major dysfunction appear. i suppose that’s what comes of getting all hot over rock stars…

i just talked to rosemary for the first time, briefly. she doesn’t usually answer the phone, so i was surprised to hear her voice. (was i expecting that she never pick up the phone?) so i ummed and uhhed and asked for dad by name, which was also weird. coz i only ever call him at home or on his cell. so, yeah. she couldn’t find him, so i asked if they were going to see any of the hurricane or whatever. i’m a total idiot on the phone, so it was pretty awkward. but she’s really shy, too, apparently. so we didn’t say a whole lot, and i didn’t know what to talk about aside from the hurricane. so i just told her to have him call me back, which he did a couple minutes later. and i asked dad if she thought i’d been rude, and he asked, and she laughed and said no. she seems really sweet. i think she wants to get to know me, too. it’s so exciting and weird to have a potential family you haven’t even met yet. and i may not meet them til christmas, at the earliest. which will prolly be here sooner than i realize.

but i’m babbling.

and i got an email back from the lady i sent my resume to, saying that she’ll contact me for an interview if i met their criteria. mind you, there wasn’t much in the way of criteria, and i met all of it. i have taken this to mean that my cover letter and resume really sucked, and sohei pretty much agreed. but we’ll see.

the library school emails out job openings from time to time, but so far they’ve all been in tampa, which doesn’t really work out for me. i got a promising email today, though, so i updated my resume and wrote a cover letter. now i’m just waiting for sohei to have a look at it. of course, he’s not available. i mean, the email was just sent out a couple of hours ago, but i figure the earlier i get my resume in, the better. i really, really need this job. really. it’s an online reference position, so i won’t have to drive or anything. it’s perfect. (well, it’s only ten hours a week, which isn’t much, but it pays $12/hr. so it’s nearly perfect.)

while i was writing the cover letter, i was wishing you could just be straight with people when applying for a job. but i guess there’s no way of saying, “i can’t drive and have absolutely no job prospects right now and i really need this job, or i won’t be able to finish school, and my husband will divorce me,” that doesn’t sound pathetic.

so send some good energy or whatever my way?

things have been pretty sucktastic lately, hence the silence. i went to the class meeting on saturday, and learned that, to be an academic librarian — which was what i wanted to do — you have to have not only a masters in library science, but a masters or phd in another subject. i don’t even know how i’m going to be able to finish this degree, let alone another one. i just can’t. i’ve already been in school so long, and everyone’s been in this huge hurry for me to finish, since i went back in ‘04. i had suspected this might be the case, but couldn’t believe someone would have to have so much schooling to help students research papers, and write articles and stuff. so now i’m at a loss. there are other job options, of course, but i’m really upset that i won’t be able to do what i wanted to do. i assume this will work out somehow, but i can’t help but be a little depressed. since i’ve already paid for this semester, i’ll finish it, but i don’t know what to do at this point.

this always happens to me. i always pick the wrong thing to study. in middle school, i wanted to be in band, but was talked out of it by the guidance office and mum. mistake. then, when i dual-enrolled at sfcc, i either wanted to do the legal or mechanic program. but noooo. everyone told me that medical transcriptionists were in high demand. so i completed the transcription program. did i ever get a job as a transcriptionist? no. i couldn’t even get a decent office job. so there was two years of work down the drain. then i decided to major in english literature, with the understanding that i’d be going on to get my library degree. because i know i can’t do a damn thing with that degree on its own. nothing i’d want to spend my life doing, anyway. before mum died, she promised my schooling would be paid for, because she knew (for reasons that will remain unknown to you for now, dear readers) that i’d never finish otherwise. so she’s gone now, and so is my school money. not that it matters anyway, because i won’t be able to do what i want to do with this degree, either.

so now i’m completely lost again. maybe i’ll just quit school after this semester and work til i can figure out what the fuck i’m going to do. here’s betting that i’ll never get to go back.

on top of that, the situation with dad seems to continue to get worse. i tried to write about this the other night, but i couldn’t get my feelings across in the right way. growing up, when he was actually around, we were kind of friends. after mum died, though, he’s been kind of nasty to me at times. i’ve been made to feel like a burden or something. even though he doesn’t support me at all anymore. and now that rosemary is living with him, he doesn’t call. i’m hoping this is some kind of temporary thing, and that we’ll all settle into some kind of routine after a while. but what it feels like is that dad has found a family he actually likes, and my sister and i can just fuck right off. if he hadn’t been acting so resentful toward us before this, i would probably be more mature about this. in fact, i was thrilled that he found someone, and isn’t alone anymore. but i can’t help but feel weirded out. it’s like juchan and i can’t do anything right. i’m too excited and too nosy, and juchan isn’t excited enough, and doesn’t ask enough questions. so i figure i’m just going to back off and see what happens. he doesn’t remember anything i talk to him about, anyway.

i try to be happy, but i’m having a real hard time with that right now. i need to talk to mum. really badly. she could always help me figure things out regarding school and stuff. i never felt as hopeless after talking to her. it’s times like this when i feel really alone.

oh, and it’s looking like i won’t be fostering a hurricane animal, either, since no one ever got back to me. it seems like they all found temporary homes, though, so that’s good. then we were going to adopt a puppy (permanently) but we went to both shelters in town, and there were none. i suppose it’s just as well, as far as neko is concerned.

i just hope something goes right soon, coz i haven’t been this unhappy in a while.

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you’re with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don’t try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren’t loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You’re not going to mow over everyone to get ahead… But you’re also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it’s an ugly place. You just don’t get ugly yourself – unless you have to!

i went to uu101 tonight. it was really neat. basically, we all got to know each other. most of the people seemed nice. we had to get into groups of three, and then introduce a member of our group. the lady that introduced me said so many sweet things about me. :blush: the evening did make me realize how weirded out i get, socially, when i haven’t left the house in a while. but this nice guy came over and talked to me during the break. as usual, i rambled. no wonder people don’t like to talk to me. he was good about it, though.

and it was lovely outside, too. and sohei mostly behaved himself. it was a neat evening.

so tomorrow i’m emailing this lady about adopting a hurricane animal. i guess there are a lot of animals that need temporary homes. the email said up to three months or so. i think the hardest part will be giving the animal back when the time comes. :cry: chris and i kind of want a dog, coz i’ve never owned a dog, and it would be a good opportunity to see if i’d like having one full-time. it will have to be smallish, though, due to the size of our house. i think, what i’m going to do, is ask her what animal needs adopting most, and just adopt that, cat or dog. i’ll love it no matter what it is. :love:

i tried to post about this, but it didn’t come out the way i wanted it to…

it’s my dad’s birthday.

his girlfriend moved in tonight, with her son. i finally know his name. dad just met him tonight. that must’ve been weird.

and my dad can be weird, too.

yeah.

Your Brain’s Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent. You’re always making pictures in your mind, especially when you’re bored. You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts. And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won’t always be.

What Your Underwear Says About You

When you’re bad, you’re very bad. And when you’re good, you’re still trouble! You’re comfortable in your own skin – and don’t care to impress anyone.

Daily Kos: Bush’s use of firemen: props

not a lot to update about, really. i’m dieting again. (yes, i know. shut up.) and though it’s my first day, i totally cheated already. meh. but thanks to my little binge-fest, there’re no more sweets in the house. i think i’ll do a lot better tomorrow…

i talked to dad today, and his girlfriend is moving in with him this week. with her 15 year old son. that should be interesting. :shocked: i hope this works out for him. he lived through two daughters, though, so a stepson shouldn’t be too terrible. right? i wonder if they’ll get married. and how soon. i hope she’s nice. i hope she wants us all to be a real family. no one can replace mum, and i don’t expect her to, but i want to at least be friends with her. i really, really want to meet her. i’ve just been kind of assuming she’s a sweet person, coz she seems like it, according to dad. but of course he thinks so. i just don’t want to end up feeling cut off from dad. and i don’t want her or her son to feel like they don’t belong when juchan and i are around. i have a feeling i’ll be really relieved when i finally meet her. i’m still excited for dad. and i’m glad he’s not alone anymore. i won’t feel like i have to worry quite as much. ya know? i guess i’m just really surprised by everything. it was less than a month ago that dad was asking my permission to date again, and now his girlfriend is moving in with him. i’m not lying or in denial when i say i’m happy for him. i am. in fact, i’m kind of excited about all this. i just hope it all turns out well, i guess. my parents were married for nearly 30 years, so i’ve never experienced the whole step-family thing. :confused: a lot of people i know didn’t have very good experiences with theirs. but then, their situations were different than mine. and, if i don’t like her for some reason, at least i don’t have to live in the same house as her. besides, it seems like most problems stem from step-fathers. except like in cinderella, i guess.

anyway, i’m totally rambling now, and if sohei catches me out of bed, i’m doomed. :cry:

this weekend has mostly been teh suck. and now i’m being forced to go to bed. so i can lie awake and stare at the ceiling for three hours. with my mind still going and going. he’s still yelling, so i’d better go.

it’s hard to believe i’m an adult, isn’t it?

Daily Kos: Bush Visit Grounded Relief Helicopters:

And for the entire time Bush was in the state, the congressman said, a ban on helicopter flights further stalled the delivery of food and supplies.

More BushCo Tragedy Fakery?:

ZDF News reported that the president’s visit was a completely staged event. Their crew witnessed how the open air food distribution point Bush visited in front of the cameras was torn down immediately after the president and the herd of ‘news people’ had left and that others which were allegedly being set up were abandoned at the same time. The people in the area were once again left to fend for themselves, said ZDF.

Politicizing A Tragedy: BushCo Fakes Levee Repairs for Photo-Op

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) reports on BushCo faking levee repairs for a photo-op:

[T]he greatest disappointment [regarding the federal response] stands at the breached 17th Street levee. Touring this critical site yesterday with the President, I saw what I believed to be a real and significant effort to get a handle on a major cause of this catastrophe. Flying over this critical spot again this morning, less than 24 hours later, it became apparent that yesterday we witnessed a hastily prepared stage set for a Presidential photo opportunity; and the desperately needed resources we saw were this morning reduced to a single, lonely piece of equipment.

it turns out all that anger has a use, after all.

apparently, sohei and i won’t be useful to the relief effort unless we’re trained red cross volunteers. (that’s what we may do for our vacation this year, ya know. i mean, we were thinking of going to new orleans anyway, so we may as well go anyway and do something useful.) so i’ve been looking into it, and i think i may join up. i have to talk to sohei about it, of course. and even if i can’t help during this disaster, i can help my community any time. like their website says, think globally, act locally. the not driving may be a bit of a problem, but i will be getting my license soonish, i hope. and if sohei becomes a volunteer, too, i don’t guess the not driving thing will be as much of a problem. we’ll see. his track record on acting on things hasn’t been fantastic. (sorry, boo, but it hasn’t.) like that d.c. protest i really wanted to go to at the end of the month. i guess sohei thinks it would be bad if i got arrested or hurt or killed. yeah, i guess. it seems to me, though, that since i’m unemployed, now would be a great time to do stuff like this. meh.

oh, and my first week of grad school seems to be going okay. not a ton of work yet. it still doesn’t seem real. but i’d better snap out of that mindset, fast.

apparently, i’m a big, stupid jerk for being angry about what’s happened in new orleans. did i do my share of crying about the tragedy? yeah. i just didn’t feel like blogging about myself crying. if you’ve done, that’s fine. i chose to blog about being angry. i think i have a right to be angry. i’m not “politicizing” the disaster. i’m pissed because our government’s response to this disaster was absolute shite. but gish, i hear you saying, bush is there now, along with supplies and troops. great. if the food, water, and medicine had shown up a few days earlier, maybe some of the people left to fester in the sun wouldn’t have died. i don’t give a fuck who the president is. this has nothing to do with politics. if this were clinton, or any other dem, or even a green (har har) i would be just as mad. there is no excuse for this amount of ineptitude. we’re one of the richest nations on the planet, and it looks like the goddamn third world out there. none of them should have had to suffer like this, for so many days. and the only reason they were made to suffer is because they’re poor. and that just pisses me the fuck off.

so you can say i’m being petty or divisive. that situations like these bring out the worst in “people like me.” but i maintain that i have every right to be angry, when i have to watch my poorer countrymen suffer at the hands of not only nature, but an incompetent government.

do i need to try to be a better, more patient buddhist/human being? yes.

do i need to go to bed? also yes.

You Are Reverse Pocky

Your attitude: rebellious and clever Non-conformist, but curiously a trendsetter With you, up is down… and it’s a wild ride!

You Are Subversion!
You are systematic and secretive. Sometimes even very calculating. Most everyone trusts you but they have no idea what really goes on in your head. You are capable of being nice or mean, whatever a situation calls for. You look out for #1.

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

You scored as Winter. You are WINTER. You’re more introspective, thinking deeply, feeling deeply. You love nothing better than to enjoy one on one time with those who are important to you. You are cautious, and sometimes second guess yourself. Dreams, though you have them, are a luxury, because life is not a plaything.

Winter		95%
Fall		85%
Spring		55%
Summer		25%

What Season Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

i posted this in response at orb’s to yet another idiot who seems to think the hurricane victims had it coming. (not orb, as if i needed to say that.) i’m so sick of rich and middle class american fucktards talking out their asses about things they obviously know nothing about. it’s things like our reaction, as a nation, to this disaster, that make me hope america crumbles like the toxic empire that it is. i don’t mind going down with the ship, as long as i get to watch a few idiots drown first.

here’s my comment:

I don’t know whether you’ve ever been to New Orleans. I have. I know, from having been there, and not just from looking at a census, that the city has a large population of poor blacks. Have you ever seen a ghetto? Are you aware that a lot of people that live in ghettos don’t own cars? What were these people supposed to do? Walk out of town? Where the hell were they supposed to stay, assuming they could just walk away? Do you think they had money tucked away to stay in a hotel? I’m assuming you have never lived like these people or personally know or love anyone who has, or you would know what kind of situation these people face. And let’s not forget all the people we keep seeing and hearing about that are sick or in wheel chairs. What were they supposed to do? Wheel themselves out of town?

When people make it sound like these people had a choice about staying, it makes my blood boil. And it is a fucking race issue. Too many blacks in the south are poor. And when things like this happen, they are allowed to see just how little the country cares about them or their wellbeing. Their own president, who is supposed to be representing them, couldn’t be bothered to put down his fucking guitar and plate of cake, and actually be a leader.

‘Cause you see, it’s hard.

And, the fact is, if the federal government hadn’t slashed the budgets for things like the levees (and safety programs for coal miners, who have been dying in record numbers, etc.), in favor of the clusterfuck in Iraq, maybe the levee that had been specifically pointed out as a problem much earlier, wouldn’t have given way. Even if the levees had nothing to do with it, the fact remains that precious little has been done to help any of those souls. There are still people here in Florida, living in cars and tents, because our government thinks our tax dollars are better spent killing people half a world away.

Culture of life, my ass.

think i’m overreacting? go to every goddamn link below, and then tell me i’m a traitor for being disgusted with my country right now.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2005/9/1/211114/2959
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/9/1/17259/23125
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/9/1/15739/85431
http://americablog.blogspot.com/2005/08/white-house-web-site-shows-bush.html
http://www.gawker.com/news/condoleezza-rice/breaking-condi-rice-spends-salary-on-shoes-123467.php
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/9/1/132822/4063
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/8/31/235829/261
http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1001051313
dailykos’s archives are full of reasons to be pissed off. and hop over to salon.com and watch a short commercial for a day pass, to read yet more on this travesty. i’m too tired to continue.

Nola.com: NewsFlash – Superdome evacuation disrupted; More Guardsmen are sent in:

At least seven bodies were scattered outside, and hungry, desperate people who were tired of waiting broke through the steel doors to a food service entrance and began pushing out pallets of water and juice and whatever else they could find.

An old man in a chaise lounge lay dead in a grassy median as hungry babies wailed around him. Around the corner, an elderly woman lay dead in her wheelchair, covered up by a blanket, and another body lay beside her wrapped in a sheet.

“I don’t treat my dog like that,” 47-year-old Daniel Edwards said as he pointed at the woman in the wheelchair. “I buried my dog.” He added: “You can do everything for other countries but you can’t do nothing for your own people. You can go overseas with the military but you can’t get them down here.”

Just above the convention center on Interstate 10, commercial buses were lined up, going nowhere. The street outside the center, above the floodwaters, smelled of urine and feces, and was choked with dirty diapers, old bottles and garbage.

“They’ve been teasing us with buses for four days,” Edwards said.

People chanted, “Help, help!” as reporters and photographers walked through. The crowd got angry when journalists tried to photograph one of the bodies, and covered it over with a blanket. A woman, screaming, went on the front steps of the convention center and led the crowd in reciting the 23rd Psalm.

John Murray, 52, said: “It’s like they’re punishing us.”

i haven’t been writing about this for the same reason i don’t generally write about disasters: i can’t adequately say what i feel, and i feel too depressed to even try. i kind of spazzed on a comment over at tony’s blog, but that’s about the extent of it. this disaster is just terrible, and the lack of leadership, and actions surrounding the disaster just disgust me. it’s always the poor that suffer the most.

…i told you so.

Brace for more Katrinas, say experts – Yahoo! News:

For all its numbing ferocity, Hurricane Katrina will not be a unique event, say scientists, who say that global warming appears to be pumping up the power of big Atlantic storms.”

Cheese Pizza

Traditional and comforting. You focus on living a quality life. You’re not easily impressed with novelty. Yet, you easily impress others.

Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro. You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

You Are a Martini

There’s no other way to say it: you’re a total lush. You hold your liquor well, and you hold a lot of it!

i was just looking through verizon’s ringback tones. to my surprise there were a lot of ministry songs. and since the service doesn’t seem too expensive, i actually thought about getting a song or two. (provided it’s not 99 cents/song/month.) then i thought, since you can assign ringbacks to specific people, wouldn’t it be cool if i got a unique ringback for a couple of entries in my directory? but then it occured to me that no one ever calls me, so it wouldn’t be as cool as it first seemed. also, as i went through the songs, i saw some that would be very good to assign people in certain situations. or for people that really liked that song. for instance, i would assign hey mama to dad, since he likes it so much. and if my old boss still called me, i’d have to assign metallica’s one to him, since he said that song makes him want to kill people. and, as you can imagine, for certain people, american idiot, hit ‘em up style, or no scrubs would be pretty appropriate. i can tell you, if i had this sort of thing in high school – or at any point in my life where i received a lot of phone calls – i would be using the hell out of it. despite only ever getting calls from sohei, as well as the occasional call from my dad or sister, i am mightily tempted to get a ministry song. i’m trying to decide between so what and cannibal song.

oh well. i doubt sohei would be for it. though i do look forward to telling him that there’s a wide selection of songs by bands he really likes. :wink:

speaking of getting him to part with money, we parted with quite a bit of it this weekend. we went over to tampa on saturday to buy my books. ouch. because school starts tomorrow. :shocked: of course, while there, we went to the used music store. where i finally found the verve cd i wanted, used, and bought it with some of my birthday money. (a storm in heaven, if you care. and, if you’re like sohei, you don’t.) on the way home, we managed to drive through the only tail of katrina that hit our area. of course. but we made it back alive. then, today/sunday we went to a store that sells instruments musical and drooled over some stuff. we ended up buying new strings for my bass, and his guitar, some picks, and – finally – a decent mic. i wanted this yamaha synthesizer, and he wanted this sweet black ibanez guitar (he was looking at this one and this one, i think, preferring the former), but since we spent so much on my books, he said we’d have to wait til another day. (i have just discovered that ibanez has an h.r. geiger series of guitars. sweeeet. :ooh: )

okay, i really need to go to bed.

i’m chatting on aim with my father. at 4 a.m. about his new girlfriend. and he’s lamenting the fact that she’s out of town, and he’ll be out of town next week, and having no contact with her, for reasons that are long and involved. and he’s using words like “prolly.”

is it any wonder that i find this time of year so surreal?

dad sent me some pics from our trip, and a picture of his girlfriend, so i thought i’d share. (by the way, juchan, if you want me to take down the ones of you and ga-kun, let me know.) i won’t torment those of you using dial-up, so just click on the links below.

gish and sohei, together at last

ga-kun, awake at last

juchan, amused (i love this pic. she looks more like mum all the time. :happy: )

and, finally, dad’s new girlfriend. she’s so cute! he’d better not screw this up… oh, and isn’t his neighborhood pretty? except for his lawn? :lol:

okay, well that’s all.

gah, my stomach’s been a bit off again, lately. despite this, i will be playing trophy wife again at one of sohei’s work events, this evening. (i am obviously joking about the trophy wife thing.) i wonder, occasionally, whether i’m supposed to take my lip ring out for certain things. i know i have to take it out for job interviews, and i took it out when i had to meet with the homeowner’s association. but i don’t take it out for sohei’s work gatherings, and i didn’t take it out for mum’s funeral. in fact, at the funeral, i had chipped black nail polish, a lip ring, bright red hair, and a coat lined with leopard-print fur. i didn’t really care at the time, but sometimes i have to wonder what all those people that didn’t know me, must have thought. i still don’t really care. but they must have thought me odd. (i’m relatively certain that anyone living where mum was buried, that saw me, must have thought me odd, in general.) but mum was cool with me by the time she died, so it bothers me little.

okay, it’s 2 a.m. now. thought i’d update about the outing before i continue my post. we went out to eat with some people from his department, in honor of one of them retiring. i love his co-workers. the man who’s retiring, and his wife, got their undergrad degrees in english lit, and masters in library science, like me! and the guy sitting next to me said he knows someone important in the hillsborough library system, so i might have an in. between uncle mike’s friend in the usf library system, and the guy chris’ co-worker knows, i may have a shot at a job. in hillsborough county. :lol: well, that’s what i’m getting my license for, ne? i always heard all this stuff about networking, but didn’t think it would ever apply to me, since i don’t know anyone. guess i was wrong. :happy: anyway, as usual, i had a bit much to drink, without really meaning to. so i tried not to talk too much or smile excessively. coz i look quite silly when i’m tipsy. but everything was nice, and i wish i saw more of everyone, like when sohei first started working there.

anyway, i didn’t really end up talking about my birthday. coz it was a busy day. and i’ve just been busy in general. but it was awesome. sohei’s mum, pam, came over, and gave me this cute kimono picture thing, coz she said it reminded her of my wedding kimono. it did look very much like it. i think i’ll hang it in the bedroom, which is where my kimono is hanging, over my bed. and we went for lunch, and i got a wrap and some fruit and it was yum-o. then we went to the museum, and all the meiji stuff was so cool. and there was this actual photo of a guy committing seppuku. (a grainy copy of the very same pic can be seen in the wiki article below.) and there were these two old women marveling at it, and wondering aloud who the guy with the sword was that was standing behind the suicide guy. so sohei and i explained – at length – the seppuku process, and about the second. and i blathered on about the last seppuku. but they were actually interested, so it was okay. and we saw the monets that mum had loved so much when we went to the museum with her. (that museum has so many memories for me… sohei and i went there on a field trip when we very first started dating. and we took mum there for mother’s day the year she died. and so on.) and we saw these pictures blake did of the book of job. sohei wants to name our son blake, coz william blake is so cool, but i think the name sounds a little preppy. (sorry if your name is blake. i hope we have a girl.)

so it was a really nice day. and tonight was nice, too. i actually seem to miss mum more when things are going well. i always find myself wanting to tell her everything. and if you wished me a happy birthday, thanks. :blush: i promise to catch up with my email soon.

Rickie 41 personality

A typical yet interesting adolescent of the grunge-era. Ricky is conflicted and realistic. He is a very understanding and sympathetic friend, but there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit he can take. You were most likely on a constant (though usually private and subconscious) quest for identity, independence and the fulfillment of a full range of relationships. You were probably a good friend to many eccentric and equally lost characters, but you were usually more stable than the company you kept.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 0% on MSCL character

Link: The My So-Called Life Test written by kellyo820 on Ok Cupid

i am now closer to 30 than 20. :cry:

so, today sohei’s mum is taking us to the museum for the meiji exhibit. and lunch. and sohei is taking me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. unfortunately, i’m tired, and kind of feel like crap, but i’m hoping it’ll pass.

sohei’s mum has always been good to me, but she’s been even nicer since mum died. i really do love my in-laws. they’re like family to me.

i’d like to say more about everything, but i feel kind of incoherent right now… maybe i’ll post again later…

i keep forgetting to mention that i didn’t actually make it to the rally the other night. it stormed til past six, so we didn’t go. and i guess she had to leave her post, anyway, coz her mother had a stroke. i feel so sorry for her. she loses her son, pundit idiots are downright nasty regarding her, her husband files for divorce, and now her mother has a stroke. she says she may be back. bush is such a blind idiot, though, i don’t see how it’ll make much difference at this point. people, it seems, have already made up their minds one way or the other regarding the issue, and i don’t see him backing down now and talking to her. what with living in his own little world and all. it’s beginning to come crashing down, though… i wonder if he’ll have some kind of breakdown or something. it would be amusing if he weren’t capable of destroying the world. which he’s doing a good enough job as, “sane.”

my kaos/smilies aren’t working, for some reason. they’re supposed to be animated, you know… i’m thinking maybe it’s temporary, but if not, i’ll work on it later. just so you know.

if this is all the heaven i get, i’ll gladly take it.

this long stretch of general happiness is due in part, of course, to sohei. :love: it’s always nice when i go out of town for a while, coz i get all kinds of appreciated. this time around, he actually took the day off the friday i left, which was pretty nice. and we’ve been having a decent time of it since i got home. i didn’t get yelled at for any of my purchases or anything. :shocked: since i tend to complain about him sometimes on here, i thought i should mention when he’s good, too. you know, to balance things out. :wink: but not too much, coz that sort of thing is just disgusting.

and my happiness goes beyond sohei, anyway. and school and everything. i think that part of the reason for my general sense of well-being has to do with the aftermath of mum’s death. i’m obviously not glad she’s gone. but maybe i’m a tiny bit proud of myself for not completely losing it or killing myself. sure, you say, people lose loved ones every day and get through it eventually. but a year ago, i had a hard time coping with the smallest of problems. and even when i didn’t have problems, i would make them up in the form of imagined illnesses and stuff.

but i’ve done a lot of growing in the past year. i’m still of the opinion that, upon witnessing mum’s death, i grew ten years in about ten seconds. or, more realistically, in the span of that week. i am essentially the same person i’ve always been, but just more able to, well, cope. i went through, what i considered, at the time, one of the worst things that could ever happen. and i got through it somehow. i still miss her, of course. the other night, after watching that movie with joan allen, i cried a little in the car on the way home. she just looked so much like mum, i almost got weepy while watching her. (i know it sounds terrible, since the character was supposed to be something of a bitch, but the look she was giving her daughter’s boyfriend was so similar, it was unbelievable. i felt silly making the comparison, but sohei actually pointed it out before i did.) maybe the best way to describe it is, i feel invincible. like i can make it through anything. i lost my mother, and my best friend. and while it hurts that she’s gone, my life didn’t end there. it really felt like it would, for a while, but it didn’t. in part, because i know she wouldn’t have wanted it to.

i think i’ve been off buspar since june. i really should have kept better track of when i quit taking it. but it’s been about two months. i’m proud of that, too. i thought it would be something i’d be dependent on for the rest of my life. it’s not like life has been perfect since i quit taking it, either. i’ve just learned not to let things bother me. and since i’m less afraid of death, the hypochondria is no longer a problem.

so i just feel beautiful and unafraid and lovely and invincible. i know that bad things will happen to me. i know that someday, something will happen that makes mum’s death pale in comparison. but at least i don’t feel like i’m at the mercy of that, of my fear, anymore. i feel like i have some answers now, to help me get through the bad times. that things just happen, and not because i necessarily did anything wrong. but when i have done something wrong, i need to own up to it, and quit pawning my problems off on others, or some unseen entity or vague idea. i can’t begin to solve my problems unless i realize what the source is, even if it’s me. and i need to accept that sometimes things just are. i feel like i can do that now. at least, better than i could a year ago. every second, something changes, making me a new person. i need to decide who i want to be in that moment. and, lately, i’ve decided i want to be happy. i want to create heaven for myself, without ignoring the bad things going on in the world. it’s all such a fine line, but i’m learning to walk it, i think.

but enough navel-gazing or whatever. my mother-in-law is possibly taking me to the museum of fine arts tomorrow, to see the meiji era exhibit (i am really, seriously excited about this), and i have to clean up around here. which is why i’ve been posting so much, and not talking to anyone. if she doesn’t take me tomorrow, we’ll go next weekend, but it’s better to be safe than sorry regarding the house. maybe i should email w-sensei about the exhibit, coz i sure didn’t know about it…

oh, and a happy birthday to birdy, whether he likes it or not. what is up with all the august birthdays? :confused: a lot of my old friends had birthdays in august, too. in fact, i know at least three people that have birthdays on august 8. hum.

i’m supposed to be doing something else today. can you tell?

anyway, i’ve been really involved with music stuff lately. like jsff, but also listening to a lot of different bands, and watching concert dvds and stuff.

and, my goodness, but ogre of skinny puppy is hot. hot, hot, hot.

while it’s generally not in my nature to mark out for celebrities, there are a few musicians that i have huge crushes on. ya’ll already know about how madly in love i am with alain jourgensen. or maybe you don’t. whatever. i am now also madly in love with nivek ogre. he makes being covered in blood fucktastic. if it wasn’t already. mmmm. and i think eminem is hot, too. but i think that’s pretty much it.

there’s just something about activist musicians…

i start school on the 29th… i’m so nervous and excited, i can hardly stand it. i’ve been in two grad-level classes before, and they were really hard. it’s only two classes, thankfully, so i’ll have time to get used to it. the sylabii(?) are already posted, so i looked over them. one of