well, little bear is just slightly ahead in the photo contest in his category. i’m a little embarrassed at how much i want him to win. this has been a good lesson, though, in that i don’t think i’ll enter him into any more contests. competitiveness is not my thing. (still, go little bear!)

okay, maybe i went a bit far in my last post. but it pissed me off when this lady was acting like those of us who don’t use the tv as a babysitter are idiots. it’s not stupid to want to spend time with your baby. and i think this lady was kind of a bitch for suggesting that. (oh man. i’ve been such a moron. here i’ve been, paying attention to my baby instead of setting him somewhere and ignoring him. why didn’t i think of that? god, i’m dumb.)

okay, i read this thread on the baby board i frequent, and i have to bitch. if you’ve done this, or know someone has, i apologize for being nasty, but i. must. rant. (let me put it this way: if you let the tv babysit your six month old, please just stop reading now.)

yes! sitting your baby in a bumbo in front of the tv while you have your “me time” is a shitty thing to do! if your baby is “high maintenance” that’s no excuse. (newsflash: babies are “high maintenance” creatures.) i have about the most high maintenance baby ev-ar and the only time he watches tv is when he’s with his negligent father while i’m cooking or cleaning. (his dad at least holds him while he’s playing his stupid video games, but i’d still much rather he’d put the fucking controller down and read to the boy.) i’m not a goddamn saint, but i somehow make it through the day without ditching him. even if that means holding and entertaining him from the time sohei leaves until he gets home nearly 12 hours later, and having to do the housework and stuff while his father keeps an eye on him. i don’t get “me time.” (unless you count the ten or so minutes i get in the shower every other day.) if i sound pissed about that, it has more to do with sohei than it does little bear. he’s a baby and he needs someone to care for him. i’m not going to lose my shit or snap (at little bear) because i don’t get any time to myself. most of the time, i really like spending time with him. but no matter how tired i am, i still feel that i’m better company for him than the tv.

that isn’t to say i’ll never let him watch tv ever. when i get back from megacon, i’m going to order some baby signing dvds from the library that i’ll watch with him. (i want to learn some songs and stuff, because i’m not entirely sure i’m doing it right.) and when he’s a bit older, i’ll let him watch tv and movies by himself. but he’s six months old. he won’t be this reliant on me forever, and i realize that. so i’ll spend as much time with him as he needs me to. besides, in about six months, i’ll be going back to work, and i don’t want to regret not spending more time with him.

i guess part of the reason this pissed me off so badly was that i’ve been alone with little bear since thursday, and aside from some time in his fun jungle, he’s pretty much been with me 24-7. (and i stay in the room with him when he’s in that, because he’s not supposed to be unsupervised in it. i work on sohei’s anniversary present while he plays.) and there have been plenty of times when sohei does stuff with his dad after work, while i stay home with the baby. want to know the last time i got to do something without little bear? when i went to the skinny puppy concert in november. (oh, except for a trip to the grocery store.) for whatever reason, sohei refuses to ask his mum to babysit, and i had to ask the two times we’ve had her do it before, and i’m getting kind of embarrassed about having to ask. so, yeah, i think i’m pretty badly in need of some goddamn “me time” and i still don’t resort to plopping him down in front of the tv. and no, you aren’t teaching baby to “entertain himself.” the tv is entertaining him. if you’re that intent on teaching him to entertain himself, put him on the floor or in the playpen with his toys, or put him in an exersaucer or something. oh, but then you might actually have to watch him.

anyway, little bear is up now, so i’ll leave off here. let me just say this: it’s crap to let the tv babysit your infant, and if you’re going to insist on doing it, don’t make dumbass excuses like it’s teaching him something. you’re doing it because you’re lazy. you can teach your baby way better than the tv can, and if you want him to learn independence, teaching him to rely on the tv ain’t gonna do it. kthxbai.

sohei went out of town thursday-sunday, so it’s been me and little bear and brumby. it’s been going alright, though i’m overtired now and can’t sleep. he’s been pretty good, though, especially considering his teething. unfortunately, i’ve had to leave him in his crib a few times to do things like shower and go to the bathroom, and he screams and cries every time. i refuse to do cry it out on purpose, but sohei is going to start pushing it soon – like probably when he gets back. i’ve been doing a lot of research to try and figure out if there’s an alternative or anything. i tried the sleep training thing where i sit next to him the whole time, but it seems to have made things worse. and then i read all this awful stuff about crying it out, and now i’m even more sure i don’t want to do it. apparently the baby stops crying and goes to sleep because the experience was so traumatic to him. and when he eventually gives up crying altogether, it’s because he’s given up on receiving comfort from his parents. i’ll come right out and say it: i can’t handle that shit.

today, after i got out of the bathroom, i went and retrieved my crying baby from his crib and sat him down next to me on the bed. he looked up at me, his face still red, tears running down his cheeks, lip quivering. then he buried his face in my arm and hugged me. and not just the arms thrown around me thing he does when i carry him, but actually clutching me. i picked him up and cuddled him until he felt better. his tiny hug melted my heart. as far as i’m concerned, if it’s that important to him, i don’t see why he can’t just keep sleeping with us. he clearly hates his crib and hates being alone. it’s not like he’s going to be doing this for five years. i should just tell sohei that little bear and i took a vote and it’s 2-1 for him staying. even if his vote is only .5, we still win. seriously, though, i don’t know what to do. sohei has the right to sleep the way he wants, but little bear and i have that right, too. and, to be fair, i do my best to keep the baby from waking him. most mornings, sohei can’t even remember little bear waking him at all. i just don’t know what to do about this. separate beds are no good, either, because i hate sleeping without sohei… i have a feeling he’s going to get his way. but the idea of little bear feeling like he can’t rely on me is killing me.

anyway, in other news… ever since i started feeding little bear solids – about a month ago – he’s been trying to take the spoon and do it himself. a lot of the time, he’s more willing to take what’s on the spoon if he puts it in his own mouth. so, against the advice of the book, i let him help. well, tonight, he damn near fed himself. i would fill the spoon and move it towards him, then he’d grab it and slurp the rice cereal right off. he’s so independent. at christmas, he was opening his own presents. we’d pull a strip of paper off, and he’d finish it by himself. he also wants to drink out of a glass. he sees me drink, then reaches out for it. sometimes, if i’m drinking water and there’s just a bit left, i hand him the glass. he can hold it in both hands and put it to his mouth, but he hasn’t mastered tipping it back yet. when i tip it for him, he struggles against me, as if to say, “i can do it myself, ma!” and when the water actually reaches his mouth with my help, it seems to weird him out. this stuff isn’t milk! what the hell? still, he’s always willing to try. why he’s independent about everything but sleeping, i don’t know…

i really need to try to sleep, so i’m going to leave off here. i’ll do his six months post sometime this weekend, hopefully.

and, in what was another rich, full day for little bear… i was reading his new book, where is spot?, and asked him if he saw the dog. to which he replied by saying what sounded a whole lot like “dog.” (at first, i thought he was just saying “da” all the time since we liked it so much, but when he tries to say “dog” it sound more like “daw” than “daa.” if that makes any sense.)

then, during his bath, he apparently pulled himself to standing in the tub. i usually bathe him but of course sohei was today. and i didn’t really see him do it the other day because he was holding on to my back. my baby is growing up tooooo fast!

well, the photo contest is over at midnight, and i doubt the numbers will change much, so here are the results:

Best Friends: 1st (on to the finals!)
Daddy and Me: 2nd (lost to a pic of a boy peeing on his dad )
Best Hair: 5th
Best Newborn: 3rd
Best Smile: 2nd

so i’m actually a little psyched that he’s going on to the second round in one category. isn’t it funny how you don’t really care about winning until you’re actually about to?

little bear’s been saying, “mummmm” when he’s upset for a while now, but i figured it’s random. and he says, “da” sometimes in the morning when sohei’s getting ready for work. i didn’t really think it was directed at him, because he tends to make a lot of sounds when he first wakes up. but today, i’m pretty darn sure he meant it. sohei was turned over in bed, watching tv, and little bear rolled over on his side and reached out to him, and went, “da-da.” and i was like, “omg, [sohei], turn over and acknowledge him! he was talking to you!” he also tried to climb me this morning, which isn’t all that unusual. what was different today was, sohei said he was pulling himself to standing. (using the straps on my nursing tank top as grips, of course. ) he tries to do that a lot, but he actually succeeded today, apparently. (he was climbing my back, so i couldn’t see it.) i can’t believe how fast he’s growing. what a neat baby!

why can’t i stop worrying about the shape of my son’s head? that there are too many bumps and dents and the way it looks? probably because half the women on the baby board i read are getting shaping helmets for their babies. (i don’t want him to wear a helmet, but i also don’t want him to hate me when he’s a teenager because his head looks weird.) (also, i doubt i would have noticed that his head doesn’t look “normal” if it wasn’t for the internet.) (i still think he’s beautiful and i’m just going to quit worrying about his head because he looks just fine dammit.)

i’ve been doing some “sleep training” with little bear this week and it’s not going well. i put him in his crib every day for his afternoon nap, and sit down on the floor next to him and pat him and sing to him and stuff. i’ve tried just leaving him in there by himself and he screams. i’ve tried sitting in the recliner in the corner, and he cries until i pick him up. so this week i’m trying it this way. crying it out doesn’t work for this kid, even if i wanted to do it, and i don’t. my stomach issues haven’t been as bad as they were pre-baby, but i still have flare-ups which require me to leave him in his crib sometimes. he fusses the second i put him down. i turn on his mobile and pat him and leave. then he starts crying, but i’m sick, so i can’t go pick him up. the crying turns to screaming and it does. not. stop. he just screams until i can come back for him, and then it takes a while to console him.

so leaving him to cry it out just isn’t an option. besides, it just feels wrong. when i come in, he raises his little tear-stained face to look at me, as if to say, “mama, why did you not come for me?” honestly, though, i don’t know what to do. he cries even when i’m sitting right there. the whole point of me sitting next to him was so he could relax and sleep. we do this for an hour every day and not once has he even come close to sleeping. he just cries. i don’t pick him up or anything, i just pat him and sing and stuff, but it doesn’t help. he just gets louder. i guess we’re kind of doing cry it out, but i’m there so he doesn’t feel abandoned. i’m not sure if this is a good idea, though, because a) it’s not doing any good and b) i’m afraid he’s going to start hating me.

i would be fine with letting him continue to co-sleep except that as he gets more mobile, it’s getting more dangerous. he burrows under the covers now and likes to pull them up over his face. when i’m awake, i just pull them off, but when i’m asleep it about gives me a heart attack to wake up to him like that. he also likes to bury his face in our pillows. i sleep really lightly when he’s there, because i can’t relax and i’m always keeping watch. (one time, sohei almost accidentally put his arm over little bear, and – in my sleep – i caught his arm and pushed it away.) when sohei takes him downstairs with him some weekend mornings, i sleep completely differently. so deeply, in fact, that when i wake up, i panic because i worry that i might have rolled on little bear or something.

so, yeah, i’m at a loss with this sleep training thing. i’m going to keep doing it because everything i read says that if you give up, it’ll just confuse him. i think it’s just going to take a long time…

also, he’s always very interested in what people around him do, and wants to emulate them. so we’ve been working on cup training. he watches me drink and reaches out for the cup. i hand it to him and he takes it and puts it to his mouth. but then he doesn’t know what to do with it. usually, he gets frustrated and tips it over, spilling the water down his front. (it’s only a small amount, at least.) it’s so cute watching him try, though.

well, he’s fussing, so i’d better sign off. i swear he has a.d.d.